On every trifle. When he returns from hunting,
I will not speak with him; say I am sick.
If you come slack of former services
10
You shall do well; the fault of it I’ll answer.
[Horns within.]
OSWALD He’s coming, madam, I hear him.
GONERIL Put on what weary negligence you please,
You and your fellows; I’d have it come to question.
If he distaste it, let him to my sister,
15
Whose mind and mine I know in that are one,
QNot to be overruled. Idle old man,
That still would manage those authorities
That he hath given away. Now by my life
Old fools are babes again and must be used
20
With checks as flatteries, when they are seen abused.Q
Remember what I have said.
OSWALD QVeryQ well, madam.
GONERIL
And let his knights have colder looks among you,
What grows of it no matter; advise your fellows so.
QI would breed from hence occasions, and I shall,
25
That I may speak.Q I’ll write straight to my sister
To hold my QveryQ course. QGo,Q prepare for dinner.
Exeunt.
1.4 Enter KENT [, disguised].
KENT If but as well I other accents borrow
That can my speech diffuse, my good intent
May carry through itself to that full issue
For which I razed my likeness. Now, banished Kent,
If thou canst serve where thou dost stand condemned
5
FSo may it comeF thy master whom thou lov’st
Shall find thee full of labours.
FHorns within.F Enter LEAR FandF [four or more Knights as]Fattendants.F
LEAR Let me not stay a jot for dinner; go, get it ready.
[Exit First Knight.]
[to Kent] How now, what art thou?
KENT A man, sir.
10
LEAR What dost thou profess? What wouldst thou with us?
KENT I do profess to be no less than I seem; to serve
him truly that will put me in trust, to love him that is
honest, to converse with him that is wise and says
15
little, to fear judgement, to fight when I cannot choose
– and to eat no fish.
LEAR What art thou?
KENT A very honest-hearted fellow, and as poor as the King.
LEAR If thou be’st as poor for a subject as he’s for a king,
thou art poor enough. What wouldst thou?
KENT Service.
LEAR Who wouldst thou serve?
KENT You.
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LEAR Dost thou know me, fellow?
KENT No, sir; but you have that in your countenance
which I would fain call master.
LEAR What’s that?
KENT Authority.
30
LEAR What services canst FthouF do?
KENT I can keep honest counsel, ride, run, mar a
curious tale in telling it and deliver a plain message
bluntly. That which ordinary men are fit for I am
qualified in, and the best of me is diligence.
35
LEAR How old art thou?
KENT Not so young, FsirF, to love a woman for singing,
nor so old to dote on her for anything. I have years on
my back forty-eight.
LEAR Follow me, thou shalt serve me; if I like thee no
40
worse after dinner, I will not part from thee yet.
Dinner, ho, dinner! Where’s my knave, my fool? Go
you and call my fool hither. [Exit Second Knight.]
Enter OSWALD.
You, FyouF, sirrah, where’s my daughter?
OSWALD So please you –FExit.F
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LEAR What says the fellow there? Call the clotpoll back.
[Exit Third Knight.]
Where’s my fool? Ho, I think the world’s asleep.
Enter Third Knight.
How now, where’s that mongrel?
3 KNIGHT He says, my lord, your daughter is not well.
LEAR Why came not the slave back to me when I called him?
50
3 KNIGHT Sir, he answered me in the roundest manner, he would not.
LEAR He would not?
3 KNIGHT My lord, I know not what the matter is, but
55
to my judgement your highness is not entertained with
that ceremonious affection as you were wont. There’s
a great abatement Fof kindnessF appears as well in the
general dependants as in the Duke himself also, and
your daughter.
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LEAR Ha? Sayst thou so?
3 KNIGHT I beseech you pardon me, my lord, if I be
mistaken, for my duty cannot be silent when I think
your highness wronged.
LEAR Thou but rememberest me of mine own
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conception. I have perceived a most faint neglect of
late, which I have rather blamed as mine own jealous
curiosity than as a very pretence and purpose of
unkindness. I will look further into’t. But where’s my
fool? I have not seen him this two days.
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3 KNIGHT Since my young lady’s going into France, sir,
the fool hath much pined away.
LEAR No more of that, I have noted it FwellF. Go you
and tell my daughter I would speak with her.
[Exit Third Knight.]
Go you; call hither my fool. [Exit Fourth Knight.]
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F Enter OSWALD.F
O you, sir, you, come you hither, sir: who am I, sir?
OSWALD My lady’s father.
LEAR My lady’s father? My lord’s knave, you whoreson
dog, you slave, you cur!
OSWALD I am none of these, my lord, I beseech your
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pardon.
LEAR Do you bandy looks with me, you rascal?
[Strikes him.]
OSWALD I’ll not be strucken, my lord.
KENT [Trips him.] Nor tripped neither, you base
football player.
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LEAR I thank thee, fellow. Thou serv’st me and I’ll love
thee.
KENT Come, sir, Farise, away,F I’ll teach you differences.
Away, away; if you will measure your lubber’s length
again, tarry; but away, Fgo to,F have you wisdom? FSo!F
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[Pushes him out.]
LEAR Now, FmyF friendly knave, I thank thee. There’s
earnest of thy service. [Gives him money.]
Enter Fool.
FOOL Let me hire him too; [to Kent, holding out his cap]
here’s my coxcomb.
LEAR How now, my pretty knave, how dost thou?
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FOOL [to Kent] Sirrah, you were best take my coxcomb.
KENT Why, fool?
FOOL Why? For taking one’s part that’s out of favour.
Nay, an thou canst not smile as the wind sits, thou’lt
catch cold shortly. There, take my coxcomb. Why, this
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fellow has banished two on’s daughters and did the
third a blessing against his will – if thou follow him,
thou must needs wear my coxcomb. [to Lear] How now,
nuncle? Would I had two coxcombs and two daughters.
LEAR Why, my boy?
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FOOL If I gave them all my living, I’d keep my coxcombs
myself. There’s mine; beg another of thy daughters.
LEAR Take heed, sirrah, the whip.
FOOL Truth’s a dog Q thatQ must to ke
nnel; he must be
whipped out, when the Lady Brach may stand by the
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fire and stink.
LEAR A pestilent gall to me.
FOOL Sirrah, I’ll teach thee a speech.
LEAR Do.
FOOL Mark it, nuncle:
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Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
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Set less than thou throwest,
Leave thy drink and thy whore
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
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KENT This is nothing, fool.
FOOL Then F’tisF like the breath of an unfee’d lawyer,
you gave me nothing for’t. [to Lear] Can you make no
use of nothing, nuncle?
LEAR Why no, boy; nothing can be made out of nothing.
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FOOL [to Kent] Prithee tell him, so much the rent of his
land comes to; he will not believe a fool.
LEAR A bitter fool.
FOOL Dost FthouFknow the difference, my boy, between
a bitter fool and a sweet one?
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LEAR No, lad, teach me.
QFOOL
That lord that counselled thee to give away thy land,
Come place him here by me; do thou for him stand.
The sweet and bitter fool will presently appear,
The one in motley here, the other found out there.
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LEAR Dost thou call me fool, boy?
FOOL All thy other titles thou hast given away; that thou
wast born with.
KENT This is not altogether fool, my lord.
FOOL No, faith, lords and great men will not let me; if I
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had a monopoly out, they would have part on’t; and
ladies too, they will not let me have all the fool to
myself, they’ll be snatching.Q Nuncle, give me an egg
and I’ll give thee two crowns.
LEAR What two crowns shall they be?
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FOOL Why, after I have cut the egg i’the middle and eat
up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou
clovest thy crown i’the middle and gav’st away both
parts, thou bor’st thine ass on thy back o’er the dirt.
Thou hadst little wit in thy bald crown when thou
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gav’st thy golden one away. If I speak like myself in
this, let him be whipped that first finds it so.
[Sings.] Fools had ne’er less grace in a year,
For wise men are grown foppish,
And know not how their wits to wear,
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Their manners are so apish.
LEAR When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?
FOOL I have used it, nuncle, e’er since thou mad’st thy
daughters thy mothers; for when thou gav’st them the
rod and putt’st down thine own breeches,
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[Sings.] Then they for sudden joy did weep
And I for sorrow sung,
That such a king should play bo-peep,
And go the fools among.
Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach thy
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fool to lie; I would fain learn to lie.
LEAR An you lie, Fsirrah,F we’ll have you whipped.
FOOL I marvel what kin thou and thy daughters are.
They’ll have me whipped for speaking true, thou’lt
have me whipped for lying, and sometimes I am
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whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o’thing than a fool, and yet I would not be thee,
nuncle. Thou hast pared thy wit o’both sides and left
nothing i’the middle. Here comes one o’the parings.
Enter GONERIL.
LEAR
How now, daughter? What makes that frontlet on?
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QMethinksQ you are too much of late i’the frown.
FOOL Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no
need to care for her frowning. Now thou art an O
without a figure; I am better than thou art now. I am a
fool, thou art nothing. [to Goneril] Yes, forsooth, I will
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hold my tongue; so your face bids me, though you say
nothing. Mum, mum!
He that keeps nor crust nor crumb,
Weary of all, shall want some.
[Points to Lear.] That’s a shelled peascod.
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GONERIL Not only, sir, this your all-licensed fool,
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 277
