The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works

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by William Shakespeare


  295

  the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear

  that he is in her heart.

  CLAUDIO And so she doth, cousin.

  BEATRICE Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes everyone

  to the world but I, and I am sunburnt. I may sit in a

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  corner and cry ‘Heigh-ho for a husband!’

  DON PEDRO Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.

  BEATRICE I would rather have one of your father’s

  getting. Hath your Grace ne’er a brother like you?

  Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could

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  come by them.

  DON PEDRO Will you have me, lady?

  BEATRICE No, my lord, unless I might have another for

  working days: your Grace is too costly to wear every

  day. But I beseech your Grace pardon me, I was born

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  to speak all mirth and no matter.

  DON PEDRO Your silence most offends me, and to be

  merry best becomes you, for out o’ question, you were

  born in a merry hour.

  BEATRICE No, sure, my lord, my mother cried, but then

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  there was a star danced, and under that was I born.

  Cousins, God give you joy!

  LEONATO Niece, will you look to those things I told you

  of?

  BEATRICE I cry you mercy, uncle. By your Grace’s

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  pardon. Exit.

  DON PEDRO By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.

  LEONATO There’s little of the melancholy element in

  her, my lord; she is never sad but when she sleeps, and

  not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say

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  she hath often dreamt of unhappiness and waked

  herself with laughing.

  DON PEDRO She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.

  LEONATO O, by no means, she mocks all her wooers out

  of suit.

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  DON PEDRO She were an excellent wife for Benedick.

  LEONATO O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week

  married, they would talk themselves mad.

  DON PEDRO County Claudio, when mean you to go to

  church?

  335

  CLAUDIO Tomorrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till

  love have all his rites.

  LEONATO Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence

  a just seven-night, and a time too brief, too, to have

  all things answer my mind.

  340

  DON PEDRO Come, you shake the head at so long a

  breathing, but I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall

  not go dully by us. I will, in the interim, undertake one

  of Hercules’ labours, which is, to bring Signior

  BENEDICK and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of

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  affection th’one with th’other. I would fain have it a

  match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three

  will but minister such assistance as I shall give you

  direction.

  LEONATO My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten

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  nights’ watchings.

  CLAUDIO And I, my lord.

  DON PEDRO And you too, gentle Hero?

  HERO I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my

  cousin to a good husband.

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  DON PEDRO And Benedick is not the unhopefullest

  husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him: he is

  of a noble strain, of approved valour, and confirmed

  honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin

  that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, [to

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  Leonato and Claudio] with your two helps, will so

  practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit

  and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with

  Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an

  archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-

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  gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.

  Exeunt.

  2.2 Enter DON JOHN and BORACHIO.

  DON JOHN It is so, the Count Claudio shall marry the

  daughter of Leonato.

  BORACHIO Yea, my lord, but I can cross it.

  DON JOHN Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be

  medicinable to me. I am sick in displeasure to him, and

  5

  whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges

  evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?

  BORACHIO Not honestly, my lord, but so covertly that

  no dishonesty shall appear in me.

  DON JOHN Show me briefly how.

  10

  BORACHIO I think I told your lordship, a year since, how

  much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting-

  gentlewoman to Hero.

  DON JOHN I remember

  BORACHIO I can, at any unseasonable instant of the

  15

  night, appoint her to look out at her lady’s chamber-

  window.

  DON JOHN What life is in that, to be the death of this

  marriage?

  BORACHIO The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go

  20

  you to the Prince your brother; spare not to tell him

  that he hath wronged his honour in marrying the

  renowned Claudio – whose estimation do you

  mightily hold up – to a contaminated stale, such a one

  as Hero.

  25

  DON JOHN What proof shall I make of that?

  BORACHIO Proof enough to misuse the Prince, to vex

  Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you for

  any other issue?

  DON JOHN Only to despite them I will endeavour any-

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  thing.

  BORACHIO Go then, find me a meet hour to draw Don

  Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you

  know that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to

  the Prince and Claudio – as in love of your brother’s

  35

  honour, who hath made this match, and his friend’s

  reputation, who is thus like to be cozened with the

  semblance of a maid – that you have discovered thus.

  They will scarcely believe this without trial: offer

  them instances, which shall bear no less likelihood

  than to see me at her chamber-window, hear me call

  40

  Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and

  bring them to see this the very night before the

  intended wedding – for in the meantime I will so

  fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent – and

  there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero’s

  45

  disloyalty that jealousy shall be called assurance and

  all the preparation overthrown.

  DON JOHN Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will

  put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and

  thy fee is a thousand ducats.

  50

  BORACHIO Be you constant in the accusation, and my

  cunning shall not shame me.

  DON JOHN I will presently go learn their day of marriage.

  Exeunt.

  2.3 Enter BENEDICK alone.

  BENEDICK Boy!

  Enter Boy.

  BOY Signior?

  BENEDICK In my chamber-window lies a book; bring it

  hither to me in the orchard.

  BOY I am here already, sir.

  5

  BENEDICK I know that, but I would have thee hence and


  here again. Exit Boy.

  I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much

  another man is a fool when he dedicates his

  behaviours to love, will, after he hath laughed at such

  10

  shallow follies in others, become the argument of his

  own scorn by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio.

  I have known when there was no music with him but

  the drum and the fife, and now had he rather hear the

  tabor and the pipe. I have known when he would have

  15

  walked ten mile afoot to see a good armour, and now

  will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new

  doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the

  purpose, like an honest man and a soldier, and now is

  he turned orthography – his words are a very

  20

  fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I

  be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I

  think not. I will not be sworn but love may transform

  me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have

  made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a

  25

  fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise,

  yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till

  all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come

  in my grace. Rich she shall be, that’s certain; wise, or

  I’ll none; virtuous, or I’ll never cheapen her; fair, or

  30

  I’ll never look on her; mild, or come not near me;

  noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an

  excellent musician, and her hair shall be – of what

  colour it please God. Ha! the Prince and Monsieur

  Love! I will hide me in the arbour. [Withdraws.]

  35

  Enter DON PEDRO, LEONATO, CLAUDIO and BALTHASAR with music.

  DON PEDRO Come, shall we hear this music?

  CLAUDIO Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,

  As hush’d on purpose to grace harmony!

  DON PEDRO See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

  CLAUDIO O, very well, my lord. The music ended,

  40

  We’ll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.

  DON PEDRO

  Come, Balthasar, we’ll hear that song again.

  BALTHASAR O good my lord, tax not so bad a voice

  To slander music any more than once.

  DON PEDRO It is the witness still of excellency

  45

  To put a strange face on his own perfection.

  I pray thee sing, and let me woo no more.

  BALTHASAR Because you talk of wooing, I will sing,

  Since many a wooer doth commence his suit

  To her he thinks not worthy, yet he woos,

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  Yet will he swear he loves.

  DON PEDRO Nay pray thee, come,

  Or if thou wilt hold longer argument,

  Do it in notes.

  BALTHASAR Note this before my notes;

  There’s not a note of mine that’s worth the noting.

  DON PEDRO

  Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks!

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  Note notes, forsooth, and nothing! [Music.]

  BENEDICK [aside] Now, divine air! Now is his soul

  ravished! Is it not strange that sheep’s guts should hale

  souls out of men’s bodies? Well, a horn for my money,

  when all’s done.

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  The Song.

  BALTHASAR Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,

  Men were deceivers ever:

  One foot in sea, and one on shore,

  To one thing constant never.

  Then sigh not so, but let them go,

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  And be you blithe and bonny,

  Converting all your sounds of woe

  Into Hey nonny, nonny.

  Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,

  Of dumps so dull and heavy:

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  The fraud of men was ever so,

  Since summer first was leavy.

  Then sigh not so, etc.

  DON PEDRO By my troth, a good song.

  BALTHASAR And an ill singer, my lord.

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  DON PEDRO Ha, no, no, faith; thou sing’st well enough

  for a shift.

  BENEDICK [aside] And he had been a dog that should

  have howled thus, they would have hanged him, and I

  pray God his bad voice bode no mischief. I had as lief

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  have heard the night-raven, come what plague could

  have come after it.

  DON PEDRO Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I

  pray thee get us some excellent music; for tomorrow

  night we would have it at the Lady Hero’s chamber-

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