This Cressida in Troy? Had she no lover there
That wails her absence?
TROILUS O sir, to such as boasting show their scars
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A mock is due. Will you walk on, my lord?
She was beloved, she loved; she is, and doth;
But still sweet love is food for Fortune’s tooth.
Exeunt.
5.1 Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
ACHILLES
I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
Which with my scimitar I’ll cool tomorrow.
PATROCLUS, let us feast him to the height.
PATROCLUS Here comes Thersites.
Enter THERSITES.
ACHILLES How now, thou core of envy?
Thou crusty batch of nature, what’s the news?
5
THERSITES Why, thou picture of what thou seemest and
idol of idiot-worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.
ACHILLES From whence, fragment?
THERSITES Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
[Gives a letter. Achilles stands aside to read it.]
PATROCLUS Who keeps the tent now?
10
THERSITES The surgeon’s box, or the patient’s wound.
PATROCLUS Well said, adversity. And what need these
tricks?
THERSITES Prithee, be silent, boy. I profit not by thy
talk. Thou art thought to be Achilles’ male varlet.
15
PATROCLUS Male varlet, you rogue? What’s that?
THERSITES Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten
diseases of the south, guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,
loads o’ gravel i’th’ back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw
eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of
20
imposthume, sciaticas, limekilns i’th’ palm, incurable
bone-ache and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take
and take again such preposterous discoveries!
PATROCLUS Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou,
what mean’st thou to curse thus?
25
THERSITES Do I curse thee?
PATROCLUS Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson
indistinguishable cur, no.
THERSITES No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou
idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green
30
sarsenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s
purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with
such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
PATROCLUS Out, gall!
THERSITES Finch egg!
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ACHILLES My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
40
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honour, or go or stay;
My major vow lies here; this I’ll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
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Away, Patroclus! Exit with Patroclus.
THERSITES With too much blood and too little brain,
these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and
too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen.
Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough, and one
50
that loves quails, but he has not so much brain as ear-
wax. And the goodly transformation of Jupiter there,
his brother, the bull – the primitive statue and oblique
memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a
chain, hanging at his brother’s leg – to what form but
55
that he is should wit larded with malice and malice
farced with wit turn him to? To an ass were nothing; he
is both ass and ox. To an ox were nothing; he is both ox
and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a
lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I
60
would not care; but to be Menelaus! I would conspire
against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were
not Thersites, for I care not to be the louse of a lazar so
I were not Menelaus. – Heyday! Sprites and fires!
Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS and DIOMEDES, with lights.
AGAMEMNON We go wrong, we go wrong.
AJAX No, yonder ’tis –
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There, where we see the light.
HECTOR I trouble you.
AJAX No, not a whit.
Enter ACHILLES.
ULYSSES Here comes himself to guide you.
ACHILLES
Welcome, brave Hector. Welcome, princes all.
AGAMEMNON
So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
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HECTOR
Thanks, and good night to the Greeks’ general.
MENELAUS Good night, my lord.
HECTOR Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
THERSITES [aside] Sweet draught. ‘Sweet’, quoth ’a?
Sweet sink, sweet sewer.
ACHILLES
Good night and welcome both at once to those
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That go or tarry.
AGAMEMNON Good night.
Exeunt Agamemnon and Menelaus.
ACHILLES Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
DIOMEDES I cannot, lord. I have important business,
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The tide whereof is now. – Good night, great Hector.
HECTOR Give me your hand.
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus]
Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent.
I’ll keep you company.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses] Sweet sir, you honour me.
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HECTOR And so, good night.
Exit Diomedes; Ulysses and Troilus following.
ACHILLES Come, come, enter my tent.
Exeunt Achilles, Hector, Ajax and Nestor.
THERSITES That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue,
a most unjust knave. I will no more trust him when he
leers than I will a serpent when he hisses. He will
spend his mouth and promise, like Brabbler the
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hound, but when he performs, astronomers foretell it;
it is prodigious, there will come some change. The sun
borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I
will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him.
They say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor
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CALCHAS his tent. I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! All
incontinent varlets!
Exit.
5.2 Enter DIOMEDES.
DIOMEDES What, are you up here, ho? Speak.
CALCHAS [within] Who calls?
DIOMEDES Diomed. Calchas, I think? Where’s your
daughter?
CALCHAS [within] She comes to you.
5
Enter TROILUS and ULYSSES at a distance, and, separate from them, THERSITES.
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus]
Stand where the torch may not discover us.
Enter CRESSIDA.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses]
Cressid comes forth to him.
DIOMEDES [to Cressida] How now, my charge?
CRESSIDA
Now, my sweet guardian. Hark, a word with you.
[Whispers to him.]
TROILUS [as
ide] Yea, so familiar?
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] She will sing any man at first
10
sight.
THERSITES [aside] And any man may sing her, if he can
take her clef. She’s noted.
DIOMEDES Will you remember?
CRESSIDA Remember? Yes.
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DIOMEDES Nay, but do, then,
And let your mind be coupled with your words.
TROILUS [aside] What should she remember?
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] List!
CRESSIDA
Sweet honey Greek, tempt me no more to folly.
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THERSITES [aside] Roguery!
DIOMEDES Nay then –
CRESSIDA I’ll tell you what –
DIOMEDES
Foh, foh, come, tell a pin! You are forsworn.
CRESSIDA
In faith, I cannot. What would you have me do?
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THERSITES [aside] A juggling trick: to be secretly open.
DIOMEDES
What did you swear you would bestow on me?
CRESSIDA I prithee, do not hold me to mine oath.
Bid me do anything but that, sweet Greek.
DIOMEDES Good night. [Starts to leave.]
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TROILUS [aside] Hold, patience!
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] How now, Trojan?
CRESSIDA Diomed –
DIOMEDES
No, no, good night. I’ll be your fool no more.
TROILUS [aside] Thy better must.
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CRESSIDA Hark, one word in your ear.
[Whispers to him.]
TROILUS [aside] O plague and madness!
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus]
You are moved, Prince. Let us depart, I pray you,
Lest your displeasure should enlarge itself
To wrathful terms. This place is dangerous,
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The time right deadly. I beseech you, go.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses]
Behold, I pray you.
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] Nay, good my lord, go off.
You flow to great distraction. Come, my lord.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses]
I prithee, stay.
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] You have not patience. Come.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses]
I pray you, stay. By hell and all hell’s torments,
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I will not speak a word.
DIOMEDES [Starts to leave.]
And so, good night.
CRESSIDA Nay, but you part in anger.
TROILUS [aside]
Doth that grieve thee? O withered truth!
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus]
Why, how now, lord?
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses] By Jove, I will be patient.
CRESSIDA Guardian! Why, Greek!
DIOMEDES Foh, foh! Adieu. You palter.
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CRESSIDA In faith, I do not. Come hither once again.
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus]
You shake, my lord, at something. Will you go?
You will break out.
TROILUS [aside] She strokes his cheek!
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] Come, come.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses]
Nay, stay. By Jove, I will not speak a word.
There is between my will and all offences
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A guard of patience. Stay a little while.
THERSITES [aside] How the devil Luxury, with his fat
rump and potato finger, tickles these together! Fry,
lechery, fry.
DIOMEDES [to Cressida] But will you, then?
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CRESSIDA In faith I will, la. Never trust me else.
DIOMEDES Give me some token for the surety of it.
CRESSIDA I’ll fetch you one.
Exit.
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus]
You have sworn patience.
TROILUS [aside to Ulysses] Fear me not, sweet lord.
I will not be myself, nor have cognition
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Of what I feel. I am all patience.
Enter CRESSIDA with Troilus’ sleeve.
THERSITES [aside] Now the pledge; now, now, now!
CRESSIDA Here, Diomed, keep this sleeve.
[Gives him the sleeve.]
TROILUS [aside] O beauty, where is thy faith?
ULYSSES [aside to Troilus] My lord –
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TROILUS [aside to Ulysses]
I will be patient; outwardly I will.
CRESSIDA You look upon that sleeve? Behold it well.
He loved me – O false wench! – Give’t me again.
[Snatches the sleeve.]
DIOMEDES Whose was’t?
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 519
