2. Talk When You’re Ready: Sometimes you feel like talking things through and sometimes you don’t. When you’re ready to talk, find someone who you can talk to as an equal and whose opinion you value, and pour your heart out. Sometimes, just having someone who cares and who is there for you, no matter what, gives you the boost you need, to move on from the first step (even though you may feel still the need to grieve from time to time).
3. Escape When You Need To: but not too often. Sometimes life just takes a dump on you, and your heart and mind are too full to process things in a healthy way. In these moments, escape is essential; watch a TV show or movie, read a book, or veg out on the Internet. Take a break from the things that are weighing you down, and come back to them later with a fresh outlook. But I caution you on escaping too often, because escaping never makes your problems go away, and you always have to deal with them eventually.
4. Start Small: If the big things are too overwhelming at any given moment, start small. Instead of worrying about a huge appointment next week that you’re afraid might hold bad news (perhaps similar to where you just were) try to focus on smaller more attainable goals. Rather than brooding about the appointment, focus on your exercises, your chores, or even your homework assignments. You’ll get there in the same amount of time, whether or not you worry about it.
5. Find Your Muse: Your muse is the source of your inspiration. Find the thing, or things, that inspire you the most, and absorb them into your world. These could be anything. For some, it could be their children, others music or nature, and for people like me, poetry or literature.
6. Reach Out: Interaction is an important thing in any person’s life. Reaching out doesn’t necessarily mean telling everyone about your struggles, rather it means finding people you enjoy, and spending time with them. It can mean laughing and teasing each other, but it also means support. Maybe not support like that of step two, but support that lets you know that they care and that they’re thinking of you. This kind of support is a bulwark that can bolster you through any storm. These are the people who know how to cheer you on, when you’re going through a hard time.
7. Channel Your Nervous Energy: Often you may find yourself stressing out and worrying. The best way to prevent this is to throw yourself headlong into another project, albeit a more relaxing one. For me, this usually means writing, scrapbooking, or artwork of some kind. I actually find that some of my best poetry is written when I’m trying not to freak out.
8. Help Someone Else: Helping someone else is actually a great way to help you deal with tough things that are going on your own life. It may sound selfish, in an ironic way. But not only does helping someone through their problems distract you, it also fills you with a pleasant satisfaction. Plain and simple; it feels good to help someone else out.
9. Focus on the Good Things: If you go through life with a “woe is me” attitude, things can seem harder than they really are. Granted, I’m finding that optimism comes more easily to me than most, but I cannot help but feel that some optimism is imperative to dealing with any situation. By focusing on the good things in your life, you can muster up enough strength to hope. And I believe that hope is ultimately what allows you to move on.
10. Take One Day At a Time: We spend so much time worrying about things that are far in the future, that we miss the things that are happening in the moment. Even if the moment you are in seems difficult, and there are things on the horizon that seem even more difficult, it is important to focus on the moment you are in. We can’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet, or that may or may not happen. If you must worry, worry about the day you are in, and worry about tomorrow, well, tomorrow. But remember also, no matter what you’re going through, that you will get through. No matter how hard it seems in that moment, or how bleak the future looks, time will move you forward against your will. Eventually you’ll find that things don’t seem as hard, or hurt as bad, and life will take on a new routine. And you’ll be okay. Or . . . at least that’s the way it’s been for me.
~Angela Sayers
Ask for Help
A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
~Grace Pulpit
The curse of the over compulsive and the addict is the belief that we can rein our behaviors in — all on our own — especially if the behaviors, such as mine, are done in secret. In the beginning my maneuverings afforded me some measure of comfort, helping to ease my mental pain. But in the end, choosing addictive compulsions instead of doing the real work of facing my fears and inadequacies pulled me into the dark underworld of self-loathing.
What had formerly eased my pain was now actually making it worse! Oh what a hellish concoction I had mixed for myself. How I loathed the way my behaviors commanded my will, the way they mocked me. I felt like they were talking to me and saying: “Loser.”
I began plotting and planning ways to break free. I battled my secrets by buying books and CDs, consuming reams of information, believing that if I could just find that one bit of information — that one key that fit my lock — then I would be free. I truly believed that I could tame these compulsive addictions all by myself.
Of course, I was wrong. Instead, for many years, the torture of my secret battle raged on.
Then I came across a copy of Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul and realized I had never acknowledged the most liberating bit of information. I could ask for help!
In “Friends of Bill W., Please Come to the Gate. . .” a flight attendant who is a recovering alcoholic is having a hard time passing the bar in an airport, so in a moment of inspiration, she pages “friends of Bill W.” throughout the airport. More than a dozen people come to her aid, even at the risk of missing their own flights, to talk her through her craving for alcohol.
The most important sentence in the story for me was: “Grace had a moment of sanity, realized she could not do it on her own, took the action of asking for help and received it immediately.”
I began to weep. I finally understood that I could not rein in my destructive behaviors on my own. Alone was my mortal flaw!
I would not be here today if it were not for eye to eye, soul to soul contact with people who were familiar with my condition and helped me.
The road to self-respecting freedom begins by telling someone, “I am powerless. Help!”
~J. Fullerton
Friends of Bill W., Please Come to the Gate. . .
Once you learn to walk, crawling is out of the question.
~James D. Davis
Sometime in the early 1990s I was treating a woman in an intensive outpatient chemical dependency group. Let’s call her “Grace.” Grace was a flight attendant and had been suspended from her job with a major airline due to her untreated alcoholism. She had been stealing the miniature liquor bottles, drinking in airport bars in uniform, and so on. Her employer, realizing she needed treatment, sent her to us.
After the eight-week program, I suggested to her it might be a good idea to solidify her foundation in recovery before returning to work, as she would be working in a high-risk environment (serving alcohol, being out of town alone, etc.). Grace did, however, return to work shortly after completing outpatient treatment. One day while she was departing from a plane at the end of a long day, a major craving for alcohol overpowered her. There she was, in the Los Angeles International Airport, pulling her roller-bag behind her when this massive craving to drink came over her. She tried to just “think through it, ” or “just forget about it, ” but it was way too powerful. It was so powerful, in fact, that she was resigned to the fact that she would just go drink.
Grace thought, Oh, the heck with it, I’ll get another job . . . or maybe no one will find out anyway. But deep down inside, Grace did not want to drink. She truly had wanted to stay sober, but she was in trouble.
On her way to the bar in the airport, Grace had a moment of sanity. She stopped, picked up the airport paging phone and said, “Will you please page friends of B
ill W.,” she paused, quickly looking around for an empty gate, “to come to Gate 12?”
Within minutes, over the paging system in the L.A. International Airport came, “Will friends of Bill W. please come to Gate 12? Will friends of Bill W. please come to Gate 12?” Most people in recovery know that saying you are a friend of Bill W. is an anonymous way to identify yourself as a member of AA.
In less than five minutes there were about fifteen people at that gate from all over the world. That brought tears of amazement, relief and joy to Grace. They had a little meeting there in that empty gate, total strangers prior to that moment. Grace discovered that two of those people had gotten out of their boarding lines and missed their flights to answer that call for help. They had remembered what they had seen on many walls of meeting rooms: “When anyone, anywhere reaches out their hand for help, I want the hand of AA to be there and for that I am responsible.”
Grace did not drink that day. I would venture to guess that none of the people who came to Gate 12 drank that day either. Instead Grace had a moment of sanity, realized she could not do it on her own, took the action of asking for help and received it immediately. This help is available to all of us if we want it and sincerely ask for it. It never fails.
~Jim C., Jr.
Sticks and Stones
Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.
~Vincent van Gogh
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me,” is an old adage my fourth-grade teacher once told me. This saying has been etched in my memory, and I have reflected on this saying many times since I read the story “Two Little Words with a Big Impact” by Linda O’Connell in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution.
I grew up thinking that as long as people didn’t physically hurt each other, hurtful words were to be tolerated, but I changed my mind after reading Linda’s story. She discusses two words: “and” and “but” and she explained how “but” can be one of the most destructive words in the English language.
I realized that I had felt the sting of the word “but” many times, and that I had wounded others, too, by using the word thoughtlessly. For example, when I was a teacher and edited my students’ stories, I would always tell them their content was good, but then I would add comments such as “but you need to proofread your paper more than once” or “but you need to make your characters more realistic.” I could have said, “Your content is good, and proofreading will make it even better,” or “Your content is good and making your characters even more believable will increase your chances of publication.”
In setting up guidelines for critiquing writers, I now realize that we need to praise each other, make helpful comments, and then praise each other again, without using the word “but.” I remember a college professor who said, “There is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism.” She has now passed on, but her words will remain with me always.
While listening to the service taken from the Book of Common Prayer in church, I listened for the word “and” and “but.” For the first time, I noticed that the word “and” was used countless times; but the word “but” was never mentioned. “How positive,” I thought.
When a friend once cooked a scrumptious meal and baked a cake for my husband and me, I told her the meal looked delicious, but she was two hours late. As she lifted a perfectly cooked roast from the oven, I saw the look on her face turn from joy to disappointment. I thought I was just being truthful and meant no harm.
I could have said, “The table is beautiful all decked out in fancy linens and your best china. The food smells and looks delectable. You must have spent hours preparing for us, and it’s been worth waiting for.” Proverbs 12:18 says, “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.”
I have watched a smile come to the faces of my own children and grandchildren when I praised them and put their art projects on the refrigerator. I have seen that a loving and nurturing word like “and” will lift their spirits and build their self-esteem as they proudly present me a paper they have improved on.
My fourth-grade teacher’s quote was aimed at what she thought was harmless playground teasing, but she was wrong. Even teasing hurts. And today, the news relates many stories where young people have committed suicide because they were the victims of ugly words.
Now I realize the importance of thinking before speaking, even to avoid seemingly inconsequential words like “but.” Sticks and stones break our bones, but thoughtless words also do harm. They can leave scars for a lifetime.
~Janet N. Miracle
Two Little Words with a Big Impact
Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.
~Maurice Setter
I have always considered myself a positive thinker, an upbeat person and an optimist. I try to find the best in every situation. I’ve recently become aware of how two little words in my vocabulary have had a tremendous impact on people. I didn’t even realize it.
I’ve been listening to myself lately, and I don’t like the way I sound. As a veteran teacher, I know that praise can be a huge motivational tool. I realize the importance of developing a child’s self-esteem. I generously sprinkle uplifting comments around my classroom like I am fertilizing flowers. Each new school year brings a garden variety of students, and they all blossom with praise and encouragement. I know how to thank my grown kids, my grandkids and my husband for a job well done. I toss compliments to the unsuspecting if it appears someone needs a lift. I also yo-yo my positive comments right back when I use the word that makes my preschoolers giggle — BUT.
When one of my students attempted to print her name, I oohed and ahhed. “Wow! That is a great A, and your letter D is nice and tall, but your letter E should be short; can you erase it and try to make it shorter?” I asked. She wasn’t crushed by my comment. She tried to live up to my expectation. I thought I was helping, preparing her for kindergarten, showing her the difference in size between upper case and lower case letters. I don’t believe that my comment would have any long term affect on her self-worth. I imagine though, if I’d substituted the word BUT with the word AND, she’d have been proud of her accomplishment instead of questioning the “right way” to print her name. I wish I had said, “I like your nice tall letters, AND I like how hard you are trying to make your letter E.”
My recently divorced daughter called to tell me about a house she was interested in. I listened to her. I applauded her for moving forward with her life, and I said, “Honey, I am glad that you’ve found something you like, but. . ..” There, I did it again! “Don’t you think, with the gas prices, you might want to buy closer to your work?” As she told me all about the prospective house, I could hear the excitement and joy in her voice. The moment I spoke the word, BUT, it was as if I pricked a balloon with a needle. I could hear her slowly deflate. I sure wish I’d used the word AND. “Honey, I’m glad you found a house in your price range, AND I’m happy for you.” She knows I freely express my opinions, and I know she’s used to my mouth. I suspect that if I had leashed my tongue, her emotions wouldn’t have flip-flopped, and we’d have both hung up feeling better.
Recently I visited my son and his six-year-old little boy and six-month-old daughter. I scooped up my grandchildren and bragged. He babysits while my daughter-in-law works weekends. I told him he was a great father; I praised him for his devotion to his family. He beamed as though he was a little boy, and then I flubbed. “You should be commended for spending your whole day taking your little boy to his sports events, but don’t you think he might be worn out and ready for a bath?” There I was with my bad word again! My son’s smile slid away, and he said, “He’ll be fine. I’ll get him to bed soon.” I planted an ounce of doubt, when I should have been planting the seeds of confidence. I wish I’d said, “You’re a good father, AND I admire your ability to recognize the children�
��s individual needs.”
My granddaughter showed up at my door dressed like a princess on her way to the prom. I told her how beautiful she looked. I told her I was proud of the young lady she has become, and I said, “Sweetheart, I want you to have a great time, but please don’t drink tonight.” I know she doesn’t engage in risky behavior; she’s responsible and sensible and trustworthy. She looked as though I’d snatched her crown. “Nana!” The tone of her voice indicated how I’d made her feel. How I wish I’d said, “I want you to have a great time, AND I trust you.”
My dear husband helps around the house; he did the dishes, emptied the dishwasher, and folded the laundry. I was thrilled he had lightened my workload. I thanked him. I told him how wonderful he is, and I used that naughty word again. “BUT, why did you leave crumbs all over the counter?” Why? Why? Why didn’t I say, “Thank you, AND I appreciate all you do around the house.”
I’ve been doing some self-reflecting. I’ve given up on losing those twenty pounds. I’ve decided a walk around the neighborhood is a good substitute for vigorous exercise. I’ve watched dust bunnies cuddle under the sofa. I’ve prayed in the dark instead of at church more often than not. In other words, all those New Year’s resolutions are now null and void. I lose a pound; I eat a chocolate; I gain a pound. The bar on my treadmill makes a nice rack for hanging laundry. I’ve attended church for grandchildren’s christenings, and I pass the sanctuary on my way to the church office. I vacuum on weekends. I figure if the dust bunnies don’t mind snuggling for another day, I don’t care either.
My house isn’t spotless, my thighs are heavy, my soul, like my face could use some uplifting, but I have decided that I simply cannot keep all those resolutions I made on January 1st. I’m ready for some spring cleaning. I’m tossing those old resolutions out and I am making one, just one, which I intend to keep. I am going to refrain from using the B word. I think I can do it, and I am going to give it my best. I know it will have a positive effect on others. BUT if I mess up, I will try again, and again, and again to remove that naughty little word from my vocabulary. I resolve to replace it with the word AND. This is a resolution I intend to keep!
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Reader's Choice 20th Anniversary Edition Page 3
