Spud and Dick laughed their heads off. “Make it stop!” Spud mocked. “Don’t let the metal monster get me!”
“Aaauuugh!” Dick shrieked, flapping his arms à la Max and running around the driveway in circles. “You screamed just like a little girl! ‘Save me . . . from the scary Dork Man with the . . . dragon cape!’” He was wheezing too hard to say anything else.
But Spud wasn’t finished. “TKO!” he boomed in an announcer voice, then stood over Max and counted down from ten to one. “Ladies and gentlemen, Max-the-Loser-Loving has been defeated and we have a NEW WORLD CHAMPION . . . PSYCHOOO INSANITY!” He gave a flying fist pump into the air, leaping off the ground and nearly landing on Max’s head. “And the crowd goes WILD!”
Dick bent over and held his gut.
“C’mon, Nixon. Let this baby take his nappy. He’s not worth our time.” They took off down the street, and Dick flapped and shrieked every few feet while Spud laughed.
I stuck out my hand to help Max up, but he glared at me and smacked it out of the way. He groaned and eased himself into a sitting position. His face was smeared with something black and slimy that had leaked out of the minivan and onto the driveway. Add a bloody nose to that, and Max looked pretty rough.
“Hey, Loving,” I couldn’t help asking, “still think Dragon Sensei is for dorks?” Max scowled at me and grunted. I whipped out my Swiss Army knife and cut him loose from the Insanity. The second he was free, he jumped up and limp-stomped down the drive.
“Hey, don’t you want the board?”
Max turned and lunged at me. I jumped back and held out the Insanity to him. He started to grab it but glanced into the garage instead. “Keep it,” he spat through the blood. “And tell your little monsters they win . . . this round.”
I plopped down in the yard and watched him limp away. How had I ever thought Max was cool? He wasn’t even that big. And I’d never noticed it before, but his greasy black hairdo made him look like a windblown Elvis impersonator.
I’d never needed him, anyway. I already had cool friends. Three of them were hiding somewhere in my yard. “Thanks, guys,” I whispered to the grass. “I owe you one. Well . . . more than one.”
“Who are you talking to?” Mom asked, walking out the front door and stopping just behind me. “Say, isn’t it time you were heading to Duddy’s party?” She held her hand out to help me up. “And,” she said, smiling, “we don’t even have to ride that filthy bus. I can drive you! The strangest thing happened this morning. I tried the minivan again, and the engine started right up.”
“It did?”
She laughed. “Yes, it did. It’s a miracle!”
“Yeah.” I looked down into the grass and smiled. “It is.”
CHAPTER 29
I pretended to pick up a dime off the driveway and held my hand open for the Toddlians to climb aboard. While Mom went to grab her purse, I hustled to the garage and grabbed my Oora robe, then ran to my room and set down the Toddlians on the carpet to relax while I transformed myself for the party.
When I was finished and took a look at myself, I couldn’t help but grin—even though Emperor Oora is a pretty stoic guy. No question about it, this was the coolest costume ever. I adjusted the tassel on my hat and bowed to the mirror. Who was that creature with the maroon-and-black-spotted skin and wicked Fu Manchu mustache? “Emperor Oora, you are the rightful ruler of Fernsopi, and all your enemies will bow to you this day!” I gave my awesome self a fist pump.
Lewis had used a shard of Mom’s eyeliner to make my eyes look reptilian, and I’d even talked her into letting me leave my glasses at home. I might not be able to see far away, but who ever heard of an evil giant salamander wearing glasses? Besides, Dave and Buster’s was lit up like Las Vegas, so I’d be able to see fine and the dragon scales on the inside of my cloak would be extra shimmery.
My favorite part of the getup was when the Boom Shrooms on the collar of my purple velvet cloak oozed green vapor. I’d painted the doll heads black and used glow-in-the-dark white for the eyes and mouths. They looked just like the poison mushrooms that grew in the Swamp of Souls Oora had stolen from his niece, Saki. I whirled my cape around and did my best evil emperor chuckle. “You will die today, Saki. No one betrays me and lives.” I pretended to hurl one of the Shrooms at the mirror. “Ka-BOOM!” I thundered.
Suddenly a noise rose out of my room like hundreds of tiny hands clapping. It was hundreds of tiny hands clapping. The Toddlians were applauding my performance. I put on my micro-glasses and called for them to meet me in Toddlandia—that is, my closet floor.
Toddlandia was a little person’s paradise. I’d rescued one of Mom’s old fuzzy slippers from VanderPuff, washed it, and lined it with pulled–apart cotton balls to make a comfy bed. A margarine lid served as a watering hole (Persephone’s words) and swimming pool. I promised to change the water every morning and fluff the cotton every night. It was the least I could do for such good friends.
Speaking of good friends, Duddy’d given me an idea with his ant village. Toddlandia included a teeny playground with swings made from paper clips and rubber bands, pencil teeter-totters, a flexible ruler slide, staples set in an eraser for monkey bars, and a sponge trampoline. I had to admit, it was totally amazing.
Even Persephone thought so. She’d been out rustlin’ crickets when I’d built it. When she came back “off the drive,” she dismounted Camo and whistled. “Not bad . . . not bad at all. For a tenderfoot.”
“Hey, Lewis!” I called when I spotted him splashing in the pool. He dried himself on a piece of cotton and hopped on my finger.
“Yes, Great Todd?” He gave me his goofy grin. “Or should I say Emperor Oora?”
We did the fist pump and chant together. “Oo-ra! Oo-ra! Oo-ra!”
“Okay, who wants to go with me to Duddy’s party?” I asked. “It’s gonna be a ton of fun and they have an out-of-this-world Mountain of Nachos that could feed you all for, like, the next five hundred years.”
“Enough is as good as a feast,” Herman quoted from the top of a pile of reeking gym clothes. “And our feast here is incomparable.”
I looked closer. The heap was crawling with Todd-lians purring. “Mmmmm-mmmmm.”
“As you see,” Herman said, “we prefer to dine on Sweat à la Todd Bod.”
I nodded. “You think that’s good? Next week in gym, I’ll do some extra push-ups for you. Then my clothes will be uber-ripe and tasty.”
“Oooooo!” they cried. “THANK YOU, GREAT TODD!”
“No problemo.” I held my finger up to my eyes. “Lewis, you wanna stay, too?”
“And miss the Mountain of Nachos?” He hopped from my finger to my shoulder and wedged himself between two Boom Shrooms.
I turned and looked at him. “Hey, thanks for what you guys did out there with Max.”
Lewis smiled.
“I mean it. That was . . .” I cleared my throat and tried again. “I mean, you’re a terrific friend.”
“Thank you, Great Todd. It would be my honor to accompany the Emperor of Awesomeness today.”
A half hour later, I walked into Dave and Buster’s. It was clear that I wasn’t the only Karate Chopper who had gone all out for Duddy’s party. The Sensei crowd was easy to spot amid the blinking, blinding lights. There was Ike, a.k.a. Mongee-Poo, in green tights and leotard, HOO HOO HOO HI-YAHing and shaking his long tail back and forth as he played air hockey. Thankfully he was slinging pucks, not poo. Wendell defended the other end, though his flowing red kimono sleeves kept interfering with his paddle action. I laughed at the thought of Sensei Nagee and Mongee-Poo duking it out in an arcade.
“Hey, guys!” I called. “You look fantastic!” Wendell waved at me, and Ike took advantage of the undefended goal.
“SCORE!” he yelled. “I win . . . AGAIN!” He did a victory dance around Wendell, HOOing and HI-YAHing loud enough for the whole p
lace to hear. One of the D and B workers scurried over to see what the commotion was about. Ike scratched himself under his arms and pretended to throw his secret poo weapon at the Tippin’ Bloks machine. The worker just shook his head.
“You look pretty incredible yourself,” Wendell said. I pressed the gadget Herman had helped me rig inside my cloak. Green vapor seeped out of the Boom Shrooms’ mouths and eyes.
“Whoa!” Wendell whispered, and Ike stopped scratching his armpits long enough to come check it out. About six of Duddy’s kazillion cousins ran over too. I was a hit.
A bunch of the cousins were dressed as Koi Boys, wearing mustache feelers, one orange and one black swim flipper, and fake fins. But there was a kid with them whose costume was even more ridiculous. He sported a white trash bag that had been covered in yellowish marker. On his head was a yellow bath towel twisted into a turban, and huge dark sunglasses covered most of his face. If he hadn’t been wearing vampire fangs, I never would have guessed he was SharkTreuse. “Thweet cothtume, Todd,” he lisped through the teeth. Ernie Buchenwald? There was no disguising that voice.
“You look cool too, Ernie,” I lied. Hey, at least he’d tried.
“Thankth!” he said, then chased the cousins over to the Skee-Ball area, squealing, “BONTHAI!!!”
I spied a stuffed Squidward I wanted to win for Duddy in the Giant Claw machine and wasted six coins on my power card trying for it. Lewis coached me from his perch on my cap. “Over to the left . . . a bit more . . . NOW! Oops! Try again.” I don’t think he understood that every time I swiped the card it was costing me. But Duddy was worth it. I’d just skip a few games of Monster Drop.
“Your problem is that you’re trying to grasp the head, which is too heavy in proportion to the power of the claw,” said a buzzing voice behind me. “But then you’re not wearing your glasses. Here, let me try.”
Vespa the Vengeful, Hornet of Hate, took the control from me. She had gold Christmas lights on wires for antennae, a glittery yellow mask with ginormous black prismatic eyes, and a black vest for the thorax. A massive stinger full of something that looked like yellow glow-stick juice shot out of her big gold-and-black striped abdomen. She even had an extra set of arms jutting from her middle.
“Got it!” Vespa buzzed as Squidward dropped down the chute. She handed him to me. “So, whaddaya think?” Wings shot out from a pack on her back. Only they weren’t real. They were . . . holograms? Holy moley. Only one person I knew could pull that off.
She peeled off her mask. “Not too shabby, eh?”
“Lucy!” I laughed. “You rock. Do you know that?” We high-fived. I was genuinely glad to see the girl.
She laughed too. “You’re not so bad yourself. Your costume is amazing! Hey, Lewis! Are you there? Is he treating you right?”
“Hail, Lucy the Valiant!” Lewis slid down the tassel on my hat and went on and on about her “valor in the face of opposition” and how she had to come see the new, improved Toddlandia. Finally Lucy got him to stop by saying, “Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad to hear you’re in such good hands.” Someone won a boatload of coins just then, and you couldn’t hear anything over the sirens wailing. When they finally died down, she said, “I’ve never been here before. Susan thinks video games rot your brain and whatnot. This place is AMAZING, if a little overstimulating. And that food smells incredible.” She closed her eyes and took a deep whiff. “Junk food heaven. Don’t tell Susan, but I’m going to eat enough cheese tonight to mess up my intestinal flora until I’m twenty.”
I saw Duddy before he noticed me. He was dressed as Saki, who didn’t wear a hat, so his blond bowl cut made him totally recognizable. His outfit looked basically like mine, only his cape was gold and his Boom Shrooms had pieces of glow sticks stuck in the eyes and mouths. Of course, his face didn’t look quite as good, but not everyone has their own personal Toddlian makeup artist. I think his mom had drawn on his mustache. Duddy spotted me and left the role-play battle that was brewing at his party station. “Todd! I LOOOVE it! I mean, how AWESOME!” He whipped his head around, looking for his friends. “Ike! Wendell! You guys gotta see this!” Mongee-Poo was busy throwing brown beanbags at people. He stopped and he and Wendell came over to re-admire my costume. I shot more Boom Shroom fog juice at them, and even Lucy was impressed. I gave credit where it was due.
“Yeah, well, some special friends helped me.”
Ike and Wendell trotted back to the battle zone, and Duddy leaned in to me. “Didja bring any special friends with you?”
I pointed to my hat. Lewis shimmied down the tassel. “Hello, Duddy the Dragonmaster!”
The Dragonmaster grinned. “They are SO COOL!”
“I know, right? I’m really glad Lucy had the idea to ask you if we could borrow your ants. I don’t know how we would have gotten the Toddlians home without them. Honestly, I didn’t think you’d let us, considering—”
“Don’t mention it.” Duddy shrugged. “The ants were glad to help out their fellow little creatures, and so was I.”
I handed Duddy the stuffed Squidward. “Thanks for coming through for me, ol’ buddy.”
Duddy shrugged, and his face turned pink under his black salamander dots. “That’s what friends do.”
“And leaders,” I said. “So lead on, Dragonmaster! What is your battle plan?”
“Well, since Vespa the Vengeful is the fiercest of all Fernsopian warriors, I think she should go attack Koi Boy with her Stinger of Sorrow!”
Lucy pulled her mask on over her braids and saluted. “Koi Boy will rue the day he left his peaceful pond when I point my posterior in his direction!” She buzzed over to the action, and those poor Koi Boys didn’t know what had hit them.
“Oh! My cousin Chris just got here,” Duddy said, pointing toward the party area. “He brought his nunchuks. C’mon, let’s go show him your Boom Shrooms!”
Duddy ran ahead of me, and I started to follow him. “Hey, dweeb!” shouted a huge kid from the Spin-N-Win. I recognized him as Mason, one of the goons from Max’s table at school. In my getup, he didn’t know who I was. “We wanna play too. Can we come karate chop with you babies?”
The guys with Mason mimicked Duddy and his friends. They yukked it up as one of them scratched and hooted like Ike.
I stopped and watched the chaotic battle scene. The D and B workers helping with the party were sharing looks that said they thought the whole thing was beyond idiotic too.
Mason called to me. “Whatcha waitin’ for, Lizard Man? Aren’t you gonna go fight with your dorky friends?”
I shot some poison Boom Shroom gas in his direction but didn’t hang around to watch his face melt off. I had better things to do—like help my friends defeat a legion of Koi Boy clones!
“You should use your Boom Shrooms on SharkTreuse,” Lewis suggested. “He looks like he is running low on squid power.”
“But I have to battle him underwater where Shrooms won’t work,” I said. “So I’ll have to steal Koi Boy’s bubble force field, or better yet, Saki’s ability to morph into other aquatic creatures. Then I can lure Sharky to his watery grave.”
“Very creative choice, Great—I mean, Emperor of Awesomeness.”
“But I’ll need a partner, since I don’t have any superpowers of my own.”
“I am with you to the death!” Lewis shouted.
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” I chuckled.
Vespa buzzed up beside me. “I’ve got your back, too!”
“But we’re sworn enemies,” I reminded her.
“Not anymore.” She shot out her hologram wings. “Life here on Fernsopi is too short for that.”
How right she was. Life was too short to worry about being cool. So what if my friends were dorks? They knew how to have fun and came through for you when it mattered.
Which meant I must be a dork, too, ’cause I couldn’t stop
smiling.
Lucy lit up the stinger. “Are you with me, Butroche?”
I saluted her and ran toward the battle.
“GERONIMOOOO!!!”
EPILOGUE
THE TODDLIANS
“And that, young ones, is how the Great Todd and his friends saved our people from slavery under the reign of Max the Mighty.”
The Grandlings leaped to their feet. “HAIL GREAT TODD! HAIL GREAT TODD!” they cried, cavorting all over Toddlandia like grasshoppers on hot concrete.
“But Grandpa,” said Little Andromeda, “if the Great Todd has always been so awesome and good, why did the Toddlians turn away from him?”
I felt heat creeping over my cheeks. “We didn’t turn away, exactly,” I said, but the Grandlings were quiet now, watching me with wide eyes. I struggled to find words. How to explain the Dark Time? “It was . . . there were differences of opinion . . .”
Herman stepped in, shooting me a knowing glance. “Now, children,” he said, “let’s talk of more happy times! Like the Great Todd defeating the treacherous Natick Nitros in the epic battle known as Baze Ball!”
“Or the lip-smackin’ feast that followed!” Persephone added, rubbing her belly. “Those were some sweaty togs, darn tootin’!”
Little Andromeda blinked, then let out a yawn. “What about . . . when Herman built the ark? Or when you set up New Toddlandia in Lucy the Valiant’s lab?” She snuggled down into the slipper but looked from Persephone to me, clearly not ready to fall asleep just yet. “There are so many Great Todd stories I want to hear. What happened after Duddy’s party? What happened to Max?”
I glanced at Persephone and Herman and sighed. Clearly our Grandlings weren’t going to be satisfied with just one story tonight!
“Very well,” I said, making myself comfortable on the slipper. “Here’s what happened next . . .”
By the Grace of Todd Page 15
