We spend the entire day together, in complete shock and relief. He calls his mother and tells her the story. Luckily, she hadn’t even heard about the crash and didn’t have to go through any of the trauma I did. I spoke to her again, needing to hear that she was okay with him staying with me a while longer. Thankfully, she was.
* * *
After a few days alone with Drew, I tell my boss that I’m quitting. After four years working there, it’s surreal to say goodbye. We’ve become hermits in the apartment, wanting as much alone time as possible before the big move.
I call up Julia and Kenna to plan an evening with them, so I can tell them in person and say goodbye, as well.
Drew stays back at the apartment and helps me pack as I meet up with the girls. He’s been so apologetic and sincere since he came back. I feel awful that I screamed at him about the whole situation, but I’m ready to move past it. I hate even thinking about it, because my heart still races knowing the what if.
I text both girls and tell them to meet me at the new Mexican restaurant.
“What’s up, ho?” Kenna greets me accordingly. She smiles and places her ass in the booth across from me. “Julia’s parking the car.”
“I just ordered us margaritas!” I exclaim, wanting to make this evening special and fun for us all.
“Yes. And chips. Don’t forget the chips,” she says all too seriously.
“Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about your weird chip obsession.” I roll my eyes and laugh at her.
The waiter comes back with three strawberry blended margaritas topped with fruit and an umbrella. Julia joins us right after and is giddier than ever.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you smiling?” I wave my finger at her.
“She met a boy,” Kenna exclaims, bouncing in her seat.
I grab my drink and take a sip before replying, “Dish. I wanna know all.”
She smiles cheerfully the entire time she talks about her newest love interest. I’m genuinely happy for her, knowing how her last relationship ended.
“So…have you guys done the nasty yet?” I ask just as the waiter brings us our baskets of chips and bowls of salsa. His face turns the brightest shade of red, making us all laugh as soon as he’s out of sight. “Oops.”
“If you must know…we have not.”
“Oh god. Please don’t tell me he’s another Winston?”
“No, he’s actually not at all like him, but this time, I’m the one holding out. I want us to get to know each other better,” she replies honestly.
“Alright, I can respect that.” I wink at her. “As long as you give me juicy details later, I’ll be happy.”
“You never give us any juicy details on British hottie!” Julia interrupts. I can tell she’s thoroughly enjoying her margarita.
“Okay…well, before we’re all too trashed, I better tell you now.”
“Oh my god! Did you guys elope?” Kenna cocks her head looking for a ring.
“Hell no! Are you insane?”
“Well, then what?” Julia asks, sipping on her straw.
I tell them the whole story before our food arrives. Their jaws drop…their eyes bug out…they’re speechless.
“Oh my god…why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Julia asks, finally speaking.
“And why didn’t you call us as soon as you heard?” Kenna asks concerned.
“I-I didn’t know what to do at the time. I was beside myself. It all happened so fast. At the time it felt like it was lasting forever, but now, looking back, I let my body take over my emotions. I wasn’t able to think clearly. I was…beyond words.”
They both reach a hand out to me, practically in tears as I continue the story of him showing up.
“So, now that he’s here, is he staying?” Julia asks.
“Yeah. Like, is he moving in with you?” Kenna continues the questions.
I bite my lip, bracing to tell them the news. “Not exactly.” They both look at me in confusion, not putting the pieces together. “He’s asked me to go with him. And…I said yes.”
“WHAT!” the both scream out in unison.
The waiter breaks our intense conversation as he places our plates in front of each of us. He asks if we need anything and we all shake our heads no.
“I’m sorry, I must have water in my ears,” Julia snaps. “Did you just say you’re moving to London?”
“Yeah…I’m moving to London.” I smile so they know how happy I am.
“When?” Kenna asks softly.
“Pretty soon. Like, next week. Drew is helping me pack right now. I told my landlord and he’s going to sublet it for me. I told our boss today.”
They both look at me shell-shocked, unable to speak.
“Come on. Say something.”
“I’m just so stunned.”
“And surprised.”
“I know, believe me. I am, too. But with Drew, it feels right. We’ve been through a lot this past year, he really knows the real me. And I don’t want to be apart from him, so I’m going to go.”
After a few moments of silence, Julia raises her glass. “Congrats, Riss. If anyone deserves their happily ever after, it’s you. I’m happy and excited for you. Really, I am,” she says genuinely, making me emotional all over again.
Kenna joins in and raises her glass, too. “To skanks finding the right guy!”
I laugh as Julia elbows her in the ribs. Kenna’s known for having no filter, so I’ve grown used to it by now.
I raise my glass up next to theirs and say cheers with them. We clink our glasses and sip our drinks.
“Thanks, girls, for that. This is really going to be a drastic change, but I have nothing holding me back here.”
“You better come back and visit! We need to live vicariously through you now,” Julia mopes.
“Don’t worry, I will.”
“We love you, Riss,” Kenna says sincerely for the first time. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Me, too.”
My eyes water and I laugh as I reply, “Ugh, I hate being such a girl now. Bunch of emotional wrecks.”
They both giggle. “Yes, we are.”
24
Besides telling Velaney my plans, there’s still one more thing I need to do before I leave. I haven’t thought of my parents in a long time, but with Drew’s help and understanding, I’ve decided I need to see them…one last time.
Forgiving them wasn’t easy for me. I’m still not sure I can forgive them completely, but I’ve been able to let go—of the hate, the rage, the anger. I let go so I could move on.
But there’s one more thing I need.
Closure.
I tell Drew of my plans, and although he offers to drive me, I tell him to stay in the car while I head in. I’m not sure what to expect when I see my parents again, but I need to do this alone.
We drive in silence for most of the drive. It helps me think and clears my head. Drew holds my hand the entire ride—rubbing small circles with his thumb over my skin, soothing and comforting me.
I point to my childhood house as we make the turn on to my street. It looks odd, but familiar. When I left five years ago, I had barely glanced back as Laney and I drove away. It wasn’t something I wanted to remember.
“This is it,” I say, motioning for him to pull over. The lawn is brown and dry, whereas most of the neighbors’ are green.
I take slow breaths in and out, pumping myself up. I can do this. I need to tie up all loose ends before I leave the country. I need to have this final closure before I begin the next chapter in my life.
Except for visiting Laney when she has the baby, I won’t be making plans to come back to the states except to see Julia and Kenna. I’ll have no other reason to come back.
“You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. I’m ready.”
He kisses me once on the lips and tells me he’ll be here waiting for me.
I walk up the sidewalk, bombarded with flashbacks of my childhood. Laney and
I would play outside as much as possible. We didn’t live on the same block, so we’d ride our bikes to a neutral place and play until dusk. We avoided being home as much as possible.
I hesitate before ringing the doorbell. But I finally gather up the courage and do it.
I hear stumbling inside and cursing. I brace myself as I watch the door open.
“Yes?” a male voice says. “We don’t want anything you’re selling,” he growls in an annoyed tone.
“Dad?” I blurt out, halting the door slamming he’s just about to do.
I watch as he opens it wider and stares at me. He reaches and opens the screen door for me. I grab it and open it all the way, so we’re face to face.
I can tell he’s not sober. He rarely was growing up, so it was obvious when he wasn’t.
“Hi, Dad,” I say quietly.
He swallows hard. “Carissa?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Jesus Christ. You’ve grown.”
“Yeah, it’s been a while.”
“What are you doing here?”
Honestly? I’m not sure how to answer that question.
“I wanted to see you and Mom. I’m…moving and I guess I wanted to feel some closure before I do.”
“You’re moving? Where the hell have you been living?”
“Boston.”
“This whole time?” he asks, surprised.
“Yeah. Velaney and I moved there. She doesn’t live there anymore, and I’m moving out of the country now.”
He cocks his hip and looks at me confused. I watch as he cracks his jaw and fidgets.
“I hated you for a long time,” I begin. “I kept that built up in me, it made me a really ugly person. But now, I’m letting it go. And I just needed to see you and tell you that. I know you’ll probably disagree and tell me what a fucking screw up I was, but I don’t care anymore. Your words can’t hurt me. So I came here for me. Not you.”
He hesitates before responding and eventually chuckles lightly to himself. “You remind me so much of your mother. Always a loud-mouthed spitfire.”
I feel my heart racing as my breathing picks up. “Where’s Mom?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“She died, kid. She died three years ago.”
My knees buckle, causing me to fall to the sidewalk. I hadn’t expected that. And I hadn’t expected to feel any emotion over the news, but it’s like being stabbed in the gut.
“Oh my god,” I mutter, wrapping my arms around my stomach, rocking.
He bends down and grabs my arms to help me back up. For the first time in my life, his touch isn’t cold, it’s warm. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I breathe out. “Just shocked…”
He helps me stand back up, leaning me against the doorframe. “How?” I ask.
He brushes his hand through his hair, looking at the ground before answering. “She OD’d.”
I breathe slowly in and out, wrapping my head around the news. I shouldn’t be surprised really, but I am.
“Where is she buried?”
“In the cemetery by the church. It’s what she wanted.” He shrugs nervously. “No one came.”
“To the funeral?” I gasp. “No one came?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
That’s the thing when you’re a junkie. You dismiss all your family and friends. And even though you have your drug dealers and drug-dealing friends, they aren’t really friends. The moment you can’t get high with them and deal together is the moment they cut you off. Dead or not.
I’m so shocked, I barely remember the conversation as I walk back to the car. I tell my father one last goodbye before I walk away, knowing I’ll never be returning.
* * *
I finally build up the courage to call Velaney. I hate going through the whole story again, but I do. She digs for information, hearing every last heartbreaking detail.
“Shit,” she spits out. “I always turn my phone on silent before bed.”
“It’s okay. I was a hysterical mess at the time. Nothing would’ve been able to calm me.”
“Are you moving to London?” she asks bluntly before I even get to that part.
“Who did you talk to?” I ask, not answering her question just yet.
“I know you, Carissa Mae. More than you know yourself. So spill it.”
I sigh. “Yes.” I breathe. “We’re leaving next week.”
“Oh my god!” she screams cheerfully. “I can’t believe you’re really doing it! You better be here by the time the—”
“Yes, I’ll be there for the baby, don’t worry. I already told Drew and have it all planned out.”
“Whew, good. Thank god. I can’t go through childbirth without you.”
“Ew.” I laugh. “You made the baby without me, I’m sure you can have it without me.”
“But I need you,” she pouts, and I can picture the look she’s giving me right now.
“I’m coming, stop worrying!”
I continue telling her about my visit to my parents’ house. She’s just as shocked as I was. Neither of us heard about it, hardly expecting it.
“Are you okay?” she asks cautiously.
“Yeah, of course I am.”
“I mean, about your mother. I know how you felt about her, but—”
“She was still my mother,” I finish for her. “It’s harder than I expected, I guess. I didn’t think I’d react that way, but then again, I’ve been through a lot this past week and pretty much anything sets me off emotionally.”
“I really like you this way. This softer, caring, yet still badass Carissa.” She chuckles.
“I do, too,” I admit. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”
“I can tell. I love you, Riss. And you deserve all the happiness in the world, no matter what.”
“Thanks, Laney. I miss you guys so much.”
“We miss you, too. So much is happening. Getting the nursery set up. Going through all these weird changes. It’s crazy.”
“Who would’ve ever thought—you’re about to have a baby and I’m about to go through the biggest commitment I’ve ever made.” I smile at the thought.
“Two broken souls—finally complete and happy,” she says happily. I can tell she’s genuine. Hell, she’s always genuine, but this is different. She’s giving us permission to be happy despite all the bad shit we grew up with.
Velaney had been through just as much shit as I had before she left Boston. After we said our goodbyes and hung up, I finally understand why Velaney confronted her parents before moving to Texas. I always badgered her about it, but suddenly it hits me. It’s like a weight lifted off our shoulders, we can finally breathe—and move on.
Being guarded with walls built up to protect ourselves all these years sheltered us from what’s really important—love, family, commitment. Finding that one person—to share our lives with, to share our ups and downs, to share in our joys and heartache, to share our true selves with—it finally makes complete sense.
Velaney and I ran away five years ago. But we didn’t stop running, even when we finally arrived in Boston. We’d been running the entire time until someone worthy enough was ready to catch each of us. We missed so much growing up. We didn’t learn what love was. Or passion. Or how to let anyone in. We pushed everyone away just enough so they wouldn’t get to know the real us, with the exception of a couple people. It’s how we’ve always been growing up, even in high school. We didn’t have friends outside of school, just each other. We were each other’s soul mates. And now, we’ve both been blessed and lucky to find that one special person worth fighting for, worth changing, for, worth loving.
25
“Are you ready?” Drew asks, reaching for my hand. I nod and stand up, clenching my hand in his.
“I’m ready,” I breathe out. We grab our carry-ons and head for our gate. Today’s the day.
I’m nervous as hell to be flying, but Drew is doing his best to comfort me. We booked with a compl
etely different airline, helping me be more at ease as we fly directly to London.
We get comfortable in our seats as we wait for take off. I plug my headphones in and listen to music. I have so much anxiety—the flight, the move, the whole new living in a different country—but it’s a positive anxiety.
When I have to shut my phone off, Drew talks to me and keeps my mind busy. It’s sweet, really. He tells me about the plans for when we arrive. We’ll have a drive, but I’m so excited to see everything that I know I won’t mind it.
I lean into his chest and close my eyes. The flight is finally smooth, and I can put my headphones back in and relax. Images from my past flood my mind. Velaney and I moving into our apartment the first day. Working at the bar together. Having our Sunday movie nights. Velaney meeting Eric. Me meeting Drew. Velaney moving away. And now me…packing up everything I own and walking out of the apartment for the final time.
“You okay?” he asks, leaning down and brushing his lips against my ear. It sends a shiver down my spine, jerking me from my thoughts.
I smile sincerely at him, pulling the ear buds out. “I’m great.”
The flight is long. Exhausting. But we make it, finally. The time change has my body completely fucked up, but I’m on such an adrenaline high, I ignore how tired I am.
There’s a car waiting for us at the airport. I keep my head glued to the window the entire time.
“Oh my god! This is beautiful!” I gush as we drive through the city. “Seriously? You live here?”
I hear him laugh behind me. “You live here now, too.”
I shake my head, still not believing that I’m actually here in London. “This is incredible. So beautiful.”
“We’ll make lots of time to do stuff. We can do tours and check out the museums. There’s so much to do here.”
“I can’t even imagine…” My jaw drops as I take in my surroundings. I’m simply in awe…
We arrive at his mother’s house after dark. I try to peel my eyes open so I can make a somewhat appropriate introduction.
His mom barrels out the door, arms flailing as she runs toward us. “Oh, my sweet baby!”
I look as Drew’s cheeks heat with embarrassment. I laugh to myself as I think how sweet it is she missed him so much.
FLAME (Spark Series) Page 21
