I pulled away and rose to my feet. It was the absolute worst thing she could say. “I’m not marrying for a fucking tractor, Courtney.”
She jumped up and chased after me as I headed to the barn. “You know I didn’t mean it that way.”
I spun around to face her. “Then what did you mean?”
Again she reached for my hands. “I mean I want to help you. I want to help your mom and Leah.” I couldn’t even look at her when she mentioned my sister’s name. “You don’t have to do this alone, honey,” she said as she stepped into my wooden embrace and wrapped her arms around my neck. I had to begrudgingly admit she felt glorious in my arms, just as she always had, even when we were just dumb teenagers learning about love in the back of my truck. Her body was so soft and supple, just like a woman should be. When she kissed me, I didn’t resist.
I couldn’t resist. I didn’t want to resist. It felt good… and I suddenly needed something in my life to feel good. Her mouth opened and my whole body caught fire when I explored the warm recesses of her mouth with my tongue. She moaned into my mouth. My traitorous body sprang to life between us. It seemed like a part of me was still raging at the fates, not unlike my breakdown over the tractor. All impulse control shut down as I lifted her up into my arms with a primal growl and slammed our way into the barn, kicking the door shut behind us. I deposited her on a bale of hay, and she had ripped off her shirt by the time she pulled me down on top of her.
Courtney had always been an adventurous lover. She was a good girl in church and for her parents, even in school. But in my arms she had always been a wildcat, ready to do anything I wanted to do from the very first moment we surrendered our virginity to each other when we were barely sixteen. I learned how to be a lover in her arms. She had learned how to please me in every way possible, like she was tailoring herself to be the woman of my dreams. She knew where to touch, where to kiss, what to say, to drive me crazy until we were locked in an embrace, much like we were now.
Her fingers were fast at work unfastening my jeans, loosening the denim so that she could slip her hands in my jeans to cup my ass, pressing me closer while she ground herself against me. Her breath was hot in my ear as she nibbled the sensitive area of my neck until my whole body shuddered. “Fuck me, Jonah,” she pleaded in a soft whimper. My good little Sunday School girl talking dirty against me was all it took. I tore off her jeans and kicked away my own. My dick was rock hard and she grasped it with her delicate hand. I moaned and shuddered against her. “Now, please, Jonah!”
I was barely coherent with need as I wedged myself in between her creamy white thighs. She was beautiful and naked under me, a willing flower as she opened up her legs. I sank myself into her with a grunt. It felt just like coming home, even though we hadn’t been together in two years. She wrapped her ankles around the backs of my thighs to urge me on. “Fuck me with that big dick,” she growled as she pulled me down on top of her.
I thrust hard, making her gasp. I delighted in every inch of her. “You feel so good,” I muttered, and she closed around me like a vice, a warm, wet, velvety vice. Finally reason began to knock at my brain. “Are you still on birth control?” I asked. It was a standard question I should have asked before I ever entered her.
“Does it matter?” she asked as she caressed my face and squeezed my cock with her body.
For a second, I couldn’t breathe. “Yeah, it matters. I don’t want a baby, Courtney.” Frankly I was surprised she did. She had always been a champion of birth control before, when we were exploring the miracles of sex as horny teenagers. She wanted to go to school. She wanted to be independent, maybe working someday as a teacher. She had plans, and not one of them was becoming a mother too soon. It was clear our conversation two years ago had changed some things. I started to pull out but she locked her legs behind me.
“Why not? What could be so horrible about having a baby with me? Marrying me? Don’t you love me, Jonah?”
I sighed. My cock withered inside of her. “I never thought I’d see the day you’d turn into the kind of stupid girls you hate.”
Her face fell and her legs loosened their grip, allowing me to pull away. I snatched my jeans and started to dress. There were tears in her eyes. I had to look away.
“I guess that answers my question,” she said softly as she fetched her clothes.
It only made me feel worse. “Look, Courtney,” I started but she wouldn’t even look at me. “I do care about you,” I said. “Too much to rush into anything we might regret later.”
She tucked in her shirt and fastened her jeans before she dared look at me. “I guess that’s the difference between you and me, Jonah. I wouldn’t regret marrying you.”
She stalked from the barn, slamming the door behind her.
I slid down onto a bale of hay. I didn’t return to the house until after sunset. Mama was just putting dinner onto the table. I noted the plate of fried chicken I instantly knew had come from Courtney’s kitchen. I said nothing as I sank down into a chair. Mama scooped some mashed potatoes onto my plate. “Hard day, sweetie?”
I nodded. “Tried to fix that old tractor. Just made it worse.”
She nodded as she took her place.
“Where’s Leah?”
“She wasn’t feeling good,” she told me as she smoothed a napkin onto her lap. “I gave her supper early and put her to bed.”
I nodded. “She’s not getting better, is she?”
“She has her good days and her bad days,” Mama dismissed with a shrug of her shoulder. I knew she didn’t want to worry me.
But the less she said, the more worrying I did.
“Did Courtney ever catch up with you?” she asked.
I nodded. “She brought me lunch.”
“She’s a sweet girl,” Mama said. “Your Daddy sure loved her.” Her voice caught on unshed tears. She hopped up and grabbed a pitcher of tea to refill glasses that were still full.
We ate in silence, both of us weighted down by our thoughts. Finally, after my plate was empty and Mama was spooning some homemade peach cobbler in a bowl for me, I asked, “Mama, how did you know Daddy was the one?”
A ghost of a smile crossed her face as she sat back down in her chair, with a small portion of cobbler for herself. “That is the big question of life, isn’t it?” she mused. “I think on some level I knew the minute we met. I went out to a club with some friends, not expecting anything other than just having a good time with the people I already knew and loved. And then I saw him, dancing with some other girl on the dance floor. He was spinning her around with such authority, like a man in charge. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.” Her voice trailed off as she reminisced. “He was handsome, but there were a lot of handsome men there. There was just something about him. Something magical. Like he knew a secret, and I just really wanted to know what it was. I was star-struck from the minute our eyes locked.”
“So you always knew?”
“My heart did,” she corrected. “That made every decision I made afterwards easier. I began to weigh each option of ‘with him’ or ‘without him.’ And I never wanted anything without him.”
I nodded but said nothing.
“You haven’t found that person yet, have you, Jonah?”
Our eyes met. “Of course I have.” Her eyes widened. “You and Leah,” I said with a smile full of cobbler and she tossed her napkin at me.
“Terrible boy. Terrible, wonderful, amazing boy.”
Despite her loving words, I couldn’t help but notice the bags under her eyes and the lines in her face. She sighed as she began to gather the dinnerware. I jumped up, ready to help. “Let me take care of this.”
She shook her head. I knew she was busying herself to keep herself from dwelling on anything. Just like the funeral and reception, I knew that her busy hands meant she was still finding a way to cope.
But late at night, every night since Daddy died, I had heard her weep softly from the empty bed they had shared. She had a lot on
her shoulders now, and maybe just like me and that old, stupid tractor she just didn’t know where to start.
I didn’t really start to worry until Mama called me into the den before she washed one dish. She sat at Daddy’s desk in the corner, staring helplessly at a stack of envelopes.
“What’s wrong, Mama?”
She gave me that smile, the one that had always warmed my heart and made me feel safe, secure and loved. Right then, however, I felt anything but. “We need to talk, Jonah.”
I sat obediently in the chair across from the desk. She held up the envelopes in her hand. “These are our financial obligations. The mortgages on the house. Leah’s medical bills. Daddy’s final expenses. I won’t lie, honey. It’s not pretty.”
I nodded. I didn’t expect it to be.
She held up a smaller stack. “This is what we can expect from Daddy’s life insurance policy and from his social security.” Her eyes met mine. “It’s not going to be enough. Not by half.”
My stomach sank. I briefly thought about Courtney and her offer, but I knew I’d never be happy settling into a marriage for practicality. There had to be another way. “What can I do?”
She smiled. “I love your enthusiasm, sweetheart. But unfortunately one person won’t get us out of this particular fix. That’s what got us into this mess,” she added with a sigh as she glanced back down at the huge stack of envelopes. “We need to partner together, you and me.”
My brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
She sighed. “I mean I have to get a job, too.” She sat back in the chair. “Daddy didn’t want anyone to know it, but there’s very little value left in our land. Even if we sell it now, it will only pay off what we’ve borrowed against it, if we’re lucky. It won’t help with Leah’s medical bills, past or future.”
We heard Leah coughing down the hall. Both of us knew that her even having a future depended on the kind of care we could provide.
She picked up another envelope. “This is a job offer from Austin. I took a chance with an old boss of mine, someone I worked with a few years before Leah was born, and it turns out he has a position open. It’s not a lot of money, but the benefits are good.”
I stood and walked away from the desk. What she was proposing was unthinkable. “Mama,” I said with a shake of my head.
“Beggars can’t be choosers, Jonah. It’s either this or we apply for welfare. You know full well that your daddy would turn over in his grave.” Her voice lowered.
I sent her a stern glance. “You think it is any better with you working at some factory?” It made Courtney’s offer a little more inviting. I’d never let my mom do hard labor to take care of us. Ever.
She stood, rounded the desk and approached me. “There’s nothing wrong with an honest day’s work, Jonah. Your daddy knew that. Mr. Bivens said there might even be an opening for you. It’s the best chance we’ve got.”
I shook my head. “We can’t lose this land, Mama. Daddy worked too hard.”
I had been there, watching him break his back from the time I was ten. I was out in the fields by the time I was twelve. This was our land. It was in our blood. I’d marry every girl in the whole damned county if I had to.
She wiped away another tear. It broke my heart to see her cry. “I know. But he would want us to do whatever we could for Leah. In the end this is just dirt and wood and cement. What’s really important is the three of us staying together, and staying healthy and well. If your daddy had realized that, maybe he would be with us right now.”
I turned away. My words were soft, because I didn’t want to add to her burden. But it needed to be said. “If this land meant nothing, then Daddy’s death meant nothing. He was working as hard as he was so we could have it all.”
Her hands clasped mine. “And we already do,” she said just as softly as me. “Tell me you see that, Jonah.”
Again, we heard Leah coughing. “I’ve got it,” I said before lumbering down the darkened hallway to my sister’s sunny yellow room. It had been painted to replicate the outside world she had loved so much. Since she had been sick so much in her childhood, she wasn’t able to enjoy the outdoors as much as she wanted. So Daddy brought a little bit of sunshine indoors for her, hoping it would boost her spirits and keep her well. I rushed to her side as she hacked and sputtered. “I’m here,” I said softly and her bloodshot eyes met mine. She couldn’t say a word, but conveyed her gratitude with the squeeze of my hand.
“Sing to me,” she croaked, and of course I complied. How could I not? Her eyes were as clear as a blue summer day, and her long brown hair tangled in two pigtails, resting on her sweaty nightgown stained with sputum. She was like a stained glass window, scratched and cracked, but beautiful and priceless. Wordlessly I reached under her bed and fetched my guitar. It was the most logical place to keep it, considering I never sang or played anywhere else.
Leah was my audience of one.
I picked one of her favorites. Somewhere Over the Rainbow had been a sentimental favorite for my little sister from the first time she watched The Wizard of Oz. She was three when she first became enchanted with wizards and cowardly lions and flying monkeys, and I had sung that song to her every week since.
She leaned against her propped pillows as I sang softly. I knew she wanted to join in so badly, but she could barely breathe, much less whisper. She mouthed the words as I lent her my voice. After the last note faded, her hand touched mine.
“Love you,” her voice strangled to say before trailing off. Instead she made a heart with her hands, resting it on her heaving chest as she gave me a brave smile. The littlest Riley, the strongest fighter of us all.
And just like that, all the tears I had withheld all day threatened to crash down my cheeks in some unyielding tsunami of grief. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before I escaped down the hall. I barely made it inside my room before the sorrow knocked me to my knees.
I knelt there on that hardwood floor, rocking back and forth like a child, as I wept for my family and my home.
I didn’t know where we would go from there, and suddenly I was frightened. I felt untethered, like a kite that had slipped from the strong fingers keeping it anchored and secure, swept away on a breeze heading to places unknown. Where was I going to go? What was I going to do? How could I leave the only real home I had ever known?
How could I change the only code I had ever lived by? Was that worth a marriage to someone I wasn’t sure was ‘the one’? Did I really have to compromise my heart for my honor?
I needed my Daddy more than I had ever needed him in my life, yet his wise voice had been silenced.
It seemed like just another painful injustice so I allowed a brief pity party of one in the darkened shadow of my childhood room. I didn’t rise to my feet until the grief was spent, purged like a toxin.
I staggered to my bed, landing with bounce on the springy mattress before rolling onto my back. I stared out my bedroom window at the tall mesquite tree that stood like a sentry just outside.
My heart ached and my stomach tied itself into a knot.
No, I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know what I would do, especially since leaving my only home seemed inevitable.
But I was a Riley, born and bred. I would have to find a way to be there for my family, to stay strong for my mother and determined for my sister.
I would make my Daddy’s life count for something, even if we didn’t own a scrap of the land he had nurtured. This house. That tree. Even the fucking roof he’d died trying to repair.
As long as I drew breath, my Daddy lived on in me. I was cut from the same cloth. It was my duty to live the life of greatness he had been denied.
I was barely twenty-four, but suddenly I knew that I became a man the day I buried my father.
The time for hijinks was over. No more romancing all the pretty girls or getting rowdy with my beer buddies. No more following the path that someone else set.
My family’s future was on me now.
And I had twenty-four years of learning from my father to know what he would have wanted me to do in his stead.
So I would do as Jackson Riley had done. I’d give anything to protect the women I loved, the two I knew, beyond all doubt, I couldn’t live one day without.
I swore then and there the devil himself couldn’t stand in my way.
2: Take the Long Way Home
It took six weeks for us to tie up loose ends and bid a final farewell to our homestead. The day I stood on our land for the last time was just as painful a goodbye as leaving Daddy behind in the cemetery. I knew it was true for Mama and Leah as well. They both clung to each other as they cried. A moving van had already been jam-packed with all the belongings we had left in the world, which wasn’t much after the auction.
It turned out that the sale of our property wouldn’t cover what we still owed, so we had to piecemeal everything over a scant few weeks. We sold the farm equipment first, because we wouldn’t need it in a two-bedroom apartment in the city. We sold the livestock, but at about half the cost of what it was worth. The neighboring farms benefited from our losses. Courtney didn’t accompany her folks to our auction who, to their credit, energized the bidding so we could get a little more bang for our buck.
But things had been tough all over. The Adams still had two kids in college and Old Mr. McCready was raising his daughter’s kids and barely had enough to pay his own ranch-hands. As much as everyone wanted to give us a fair asking price, they were simply unable.
Then we sold the furniture we couldn’t take with us. It seemed pointless to put it in storage. So all the pieces handed down throughout the years were sold at the bare minimum, including my Grandma’s piano. By the end, we had enough to pay off our mortgages, but the creditors for everything else were still circling above like the vultures they were.
Southern Rocker Boy (Southern Rockers Book 1) Page 2
