“You made it so! You planned it!”
“Damned straight I did! Had I allowed my son to be born an American Citizen, do you think that when his dad and mum had enough of each other and I wanted to leave off for Wales they would let me take my son from the nation of his birth?”
“You knew it even then?”
“I knew we weren’t you and Ollie. You and Ollie, now, that’s a rare thing indeed. Melissa and I hadn’t been together long enough for me to know. I knew she had problems. She told me there were issues and I saw warning signs, but I didn’t think at first she and I could never see it through. I knew a couple of weeks after we got here that she wasn’t all right. I tried to make it better, but I only made it worse and it was obvious that something was seriously wrong after Nigel was born. She doesn’t want much to do with him, does she?”
“She’s a cow.”
“No, she isn’t. Don’t say that. I never told you and I should have. She’s ill. She has bi polar disorder. She’s been on medicine since she was nineteen only when she got pregnant she quit taking it. She didn’t want to hurt the baby. She’d only started to get back on it when she got pregnant again and she went right off.”
“Oh, Alexander! I’m sorry!” That suddenly made things loads more clear.
“She’s not right. She leans heavily toward the depressed, but the mania’s even worse. She doesn’t want anything to do with Nigel, but it’s not that she doesn’t love him. She just can’t love him correctly,” Alexander looked like he was a hundred years old, “All she does is cry and get angry at him or she gets excited and forgets about him. She hates herself for it, but she really can't help it. She’s afraid she’ll hurt him. She hates you because you do what she can’t. She’s got this ridiculous notion that you and I are lovers or at least we want to be. And we should not have gotten pregnant so soon, but we got arseholed one night and weren’t careful and…” He trailed off, “You know how it goes,” He shook his head, “She’s unstable. I’m afraid to leave for work because she’s tried to kill herself. I never know what I’m coming home to. Most nights she’s happy to see me and then ten minutes later she’s swinging at my head. She punches me closed fists. Not that it hurts mostly, but her hitting me like that in front of our son? Or she locks herself in the loo and sobs for hours. She’s impossible to live with.”
“How horrible.” I had been so caught up in the thought of Nigel not being safe that I'd forgotten what Alexander must have been going through emotionally. He was so unhappy standing there talking to me that day, so drained of the energy that he'd always exuded. Alexander, mouthy and rebellious his whole life, was now a man heavy laden with burden and responsibility, trapped in a situation he had no idea of how to successfully escape.
“She doesn’t want the baby,” He continued, “She’s not at all excited about it. She refused her ultrasound. I have to force her to appointments. She doesn’t even want to discuss names. All she talks about is going to the US after she has it and being with her friends and her family.”
“She’s having the baby and then taking holiday?”
Alexander didn’t look at me. “She’s divorcing me, Sil.”
“What?”
“After what I just told you you’re surprised?”
“Well, with two wee babies that’s the last thing I expected to hear!”
He nodded. “Bit sick, yeah? But so is she. She’s sick, not evil. She thinks it’s the right thing to do. I tried to tell her that I’d stick with her. All she has to do is have the baby and get back on medicine and we’d work together until we had it right, but she says no. She’s going back state side as soon as the baby’s born.”
I was not quite sure what to say, “Are you contesting the divorce?”
“I can’t stop her from leaving. If she leaves, and she will, what’s the point? No, I think Melissa and I are divorcing straight away.”
“Before she has the baby?”
“Yes, she wants the marriage ended as soon as possible. I don’t want to, but I’m not going to fight her. I’ve tried to help her and I’ve accepted that there’s nothing I can do. I told her I’d give her the divorce without any argument, but I’m keeping both of the children.”
“What did she say about that?”
“She cried for about an hour and then she went to bed. I do know that I can keep my children in Wales, at least. She can’t leave and take my children, too. Not without my saying so.”
“She’s far gone then. I’ll tell you for nothing that you’d have to pry Carolena out of my cold stiff arms. I’d fight until I was dead before I’d leave her for a day.”
“Yes, and you love your child. She does hers, too, in a way that I can’t understand.” There was a sadness I’d never seen in Alexander before, “There won’t be a fight if she goes home without them. If she doesn’t come back I won’t bother her ever again. If she comes back it’s just as well for everyone. I still want custody. She’s too unpredictable to keep the children.”
“You’re a good dad.”
“I am! And Melissa…I just don’t understand why she won’t stay and get help. I can raise the children, I know I can. But a child needs a mother!”
“I’ll do it then.” I said a little too quickly, “I want them. I mean, I know that they’re your children, but with a couple more rooms on top they could just stay here. You could stay as well. And all the children could be raised right and proper here in the wood.”
I looked down at Nigel and Carolena who were sleeping together on a blanket. Duncan lie about a foot away, opening one eye from time to time to check on them. They were angels. Little bundles of magic, they both were. Funny how a fifteen pound runt of a litter meant to keep them safe and close while Nigel’s own mother was walking away. What a fool she was.
Alexander was staring at me with a look that I could not place.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Melissa’s not so off base,” He said softly, “I love you so much, Sil. I always have. You’re my brother’s wife. You were Oliver’s wife long before you married him, but I love you, too. It’s like this ache right here,” He rubbed his sternum, “Every now and again when I look at you or I think of you, it actually hurts. It’s been a bit disturbing the way I’ve felt sometimes,” He smiled, “Don‘t look sickened! The truth is that I’m jealous because Oliver has you through and through. I’ve never seen anybody love anybody the way you love him. I used to wonder if the hurt was because I was in love with you, too-like… like, really, really in love with you. Now I wonder if it’s not just jealousy because no one’s ever loved me like you love him. Or maybe I’m just a man who’s not used to being ignored and recognizes a woman that has always been out of his reach. Maybe deep down from time to time I’m tempted by the challenge? No matter. I’d never try. The thought of being romantic with you is just too weird,” He shuddered, “Plus I’d never do that to my brother and you’d just crush me anyway. But whatever it is, I know that I love you and it‘s obvious to Melissa as well. She takes it to a different place than we do, she makes it a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. You’re my sister, yeah? What she thinks is all wrong. Still, I’d be honoured to call you mother to my children.”
“It would be an honour to mother them, Alexander. And I love you, too.” I looked at him carefully for a second, digesting all he had said. We‘d been friends for so long that I had been aware of his affection without him telling me about it. Nothing he had said took me by any surprise. “Only it’s not confusing for me how I feel about you. It never has been.”
“I know!” He grinned, “And that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Could you imagine the mess we’d be in if it ever had been?”
It would turn out that this divorce was something that Melissa had been mulling over for nearly as long as Nigel had been alive. The plans to change the house, however, had been something Oliver had mentioned before the idea of having Alexander and the children move in had come up. Xander, however, thought it better that he and the
children still keep their own home, which I thought was a bit silly.
It was only two days after Melissa gave Alexander the divorce proposal that she moved out. She left her son with his father and she rarely checked in. It was the hospital that called Alex on a Sunday afternoon five weeks later to tell him that he had a new baby daughter who was born the morning before.
Oliver and I raced to the hospital to see her. We peered at her through the nursery window. It wasn’t a good view, but there she was, our little niece, sleeping peacefully.
Oliver held a fussy Carolena. “Shush, Caro,” He tried to put the pacifier into her mouth and she spat it out, “She’s getting teeth, Love,” He told me as he peered into her mouth, “About three of them all at once from how it appears. Two on the bottom and one on top.”
“I know. She’s drooling and chewing on everything.” I wiped dirt off of Nigel’s nose, “Look at your new niece in there! Poor little baby all alone! She’s not even named!”
“Alexander won’t allow her to go anonymous for long,” Oliver peered through the glass, “Maybe she’s named and we just don’t know it.”
It was just then that Alexander rounded the corner, “Well, it’s done.”
“What’s done?” Ollie turned to his brother and asked.
“She’s signed the final papers. She’s going,” He looked down at Nigel, “And that’s that. My attorney’s faxing them over to the US tomorrow. I’ve filled out the birth certificate as well. Melissa’s agreed to leave the children with me. She didn’t really have a choice, not if she wanted to go home.” We watched a nurse enter the nursery and lift the baby into her arms. She walked out of the room with her. “And now I get to meet my daughter.”
“What name did you give her?” I lifted Nigel, who was reaching for Alex.
“I’m calling her Natalie,” Alexander looked older than his father as he stroked Nigel’s hair, “Hey, Buddy! You’ve got yourself a little sister! Natalie Christine! Want to meet her?”
He was about to say something else when the nurse came around with the baby. “Here you go, Dad!” She stopped in her step, “Doctor Dickinson!”
Alexander took a step forward and relieved her of her burden, “That’s Doctor Dickinson,” He motioned to Oliver with his head, “I’m his twin. The good looking one. Hello, Natalie, my love,” He pulled the blankets away from her chin and peered into her little face, “Hello, Muffin! It’s me, your dad! And this is Nigel! He’s your big brother! Oh, hello! You’re beautiful, aren’t you? You look just like your Mummy! So beautiful, aren’t you?” He kissed her gently and wandered off for a private moment, speaking to her in Welsh whispers.
The nurse laughed nervously, “Oh!” She said to Oliver, “I didn’t know you were a twin! Identical, too!”
“We prefer mono-zygotic, but close enough, Millie,” Oliver smiled and moved to look at the baby. “Silvia,” He called gently, “You have to see her! We have someone very special here!”
I rushed over and put my hand against Alexander's biceps. He turned and lowered her so I have a peek.
Oh, she was lovely. I’d never seen a full term baby so tiny. She was pale as snow, her pointed little head covered in thick honey coloured hair. “She’s truly beautiful,” I told Alexander, thinking she looked like one of the babies from the covers of magazines. “She’s amazing. Look at those fingers! Long and slender…she has your hands, Xander.”
“This,” Alexander whispered as tears began to stream down his cheeks. He took Natalie‘s little hand and she curled her tiny fingers around his thumb, “Is the most important woman I’m ever going to meet. This is the one who‘s going to teach me what love is all about.”
Oliver patted his brother on the back. None of us said another thing.
Even though he said he was not moving in, that night there were three babies and one Duncan sleeping in the nursery and Alexander sleeping on our sofa. It stayed that way until spring when a new top went on to the back of our little cabin. And then there were three babies and one Duncan in the nursery and Alexander sleeping in the smallest room upstairs.
I never heard another thing about Melissa until a year later when she rang us, weeping, “Silvia! It’s Melissa,” She sounded like she’s been at the pub all night, stuffed up and drunk, “Please don’t hang up on me! I know you know! How are Nigel and his sister?”
“Her name is Natalie. Didn’t you know that?”
“Yes, I knew that! It’s so pretty! Natalie. How are they?”
“They’re healthy and happy.” I wanted to hang up so badly my hand twitched, “Why don’t you speak to Alexander?”
I held the phone out at him. He was sitting in the middle of the floor playing a toy xylophone with Nattie. “It’s her, isn’t it?” He asked. I nodded. “Nigel’s out with Oliver?” I nodded again. “Jeez, it’s three in the morning stateside!” He stood up with a great sigh and took the phone. “Melissa?”
The rest of the conversation was held in hushed tones, “You want to see us? Well, I can help you with a ticket back to Wales. No. They’re babies, Mel. No. I’m not bringing them there, no way. Because I have a job. I can’t just go jumping the pond on a moment’s notice because you called. You’re working, yeah? You can come here then. Come on! Be reasonable! A toddler and a baby on a plane for twelve hours when you can come here?” There was a pause, “You did what? Well, that wasn’t very well thought out then, was it? I’m sorry. I don’t bring you up. He’s too young, he won’t get it.” He stopped speaking, obviously listening to her, “No!” He said suddenly and angrily, “Don’t you give me that shit, Melissa! They’re babies!” He sounded so sad I wanted to go over and comfort him, “Yours and mine! You left us!” Another pause, “It’s harder than you thought? Oh aye! For me as well! Don’t tell me that. It’s a lie. It’s a lie and you know it.” A half an hour later, Alexander had had enough, “This is going nowhere. I can’t do this with you. Because it hurts, that’s why. Go to a doctor, please. Please get on medication and get your life straight. Call again when you’re sober, right? Yes, I’ll answer. Yes. Goodbye, Melissa,” He hung up the phone with his head low.
“Are you all right?” I asked from the kitchen doorway.
He shook his head and looked at his daughter, “No, not really. I pretend I am, but I’m not.” He stood like he meant to walk out of the room, but he sat down on the sofa instead, “I’ll be honest. I’ve been waiting for her to ring. She does from time to time. I check my mobile every day, wondering if I’ve missed her. I actually hope she’ll ring, you know? I hope she’ll tell me she’s well. Just then, she was wrecked. She couldn’t carry on a conversation, she just babbled. Confessed her very soul to me, she just did.”
“She wants to see you and the children?”
He ran his hand through his dark hair, “Aye, it’s the first time she’s said so, but she can’t come here to see us. She wants me to bring the children there.”
“You said no.”
“I did. I can’t do it.” He was quiet for a long time. “No woman ever touched me, you know that, yeah? All those girls, all those girlfriends, even the ones I liked. Not one touched me, but Melissa broke my heart. I hate her for all the pain she caused me. I hate her because I loved her and I know she didn’t love me. And the really mad thing is I swear if she knocked on that door right now I can’t say I wouldn’t invite her in and do it again.”
I knew he would. If she had knocked instead of phoned he would have taken her back even after all she had done to him. Alexander was world renown for holding a grudge. Very few understood he had a vast capacity for forgiveness as well.
“I loved her, Sil. I truly did. I still do in this weird, masochistic sort of way. I could have loved her forever if she’d have let me,” He seemed dazed, as if this were something he'd gone over in his head a thousand times and had never been able to sort out, “We had a family. We could have been a right and true family, but she pushed us away. If she didn’t love me, that’s fine. It hurts, but I can live with it.
That’s my fucked up karma. I think of Meredith Ainsworth and what I did to her and I know I deserve it. I just can’t understand why she didn’t love the children.” He dropped his head and rested it in his hands. When he looked up, he might have been crying, but there were no tears in his eyes, “Simple of me?”
“There’s nothing simple about it.”
“It’s just a damn shame,” He shook his head, “It’s just such a damn, tragic shame.”
I said nothing else.
Years later when she was grown and on her own, Natalie’s younger daughter had a health scare. Nattie looked her mother up and phoned her to ask some questions about the family’s medical history. Melissa answered all she asked, but at the end of the conversation she requested that Natalie never call again. Her voice was, she told her, too painful a reminder of a life she’d chosen to leave behind.
“What a complete bitch!” Natalie exclaimed as she hung up. “I’m still her daughter and this is her grandchild whether she likes it or not!”
I patted my niece on the shoulder. Alexander’s words rang through my mind. I was inclined to agree with him.
It was a damn tragic shame indeed.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Perhaps it was because he never let go of his sense of adventure or his quest for merriment, but his entire life Oliver Dickinson had a special way about him. He was always happy, always smiling, rarely did a negative statement ever escape his lips. By the time Carolena was two, he was the leading area paediatrician and he knew every child and every parent within an hour of the area. The children loved him to bits as he was kind and funny. Some adults, however, didn’t trust how odd he was. And my husband was odd, too, and unapologetic about it. He had his own method of doing things and he didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought because he was an excellent doctor and an excellent human being. He knew it, as well, although he never boasted.
After Forever Ends Page 38
