“I’m sorry,” She wiped her eyes.
“Don’t be sorry. Just be all right. For me.”
“OK. I’ll try.”
He looked lovingly down at her and kissed her lips, “Thank you.”
“I love you, Oliver.”
“I love you, too, Lucy. My sweet little sister. Little Lucy Cotton. I‘m so bleeding lucky!” He hugged her again, “I am! I am really the luckiest bloke who ever lived!”
Oliver had already discussed his wishes with his brother. It was obvious since they sat us down in the garden and positioned themselves side by side so Lucy and I were in a circle with them. They were going to tell us something important and they wanted us looking at them when they did it. Lucy and I listened while our husbands finished each other’s thoughts and sentences.
“This was the happiest place ever,” Alexander’s voice was mild, “When we were boys we’d come here every chance we got. It felt more like home than our house Welshpool ever did.”
“You may not believe that my brother and I spoke about things that were serious when we were boys,” Oliver’s tone was the same as Alex’s, something like vanilla would sound blending into a warm cup of coffee if it carried a tone, “But from time to time we did. We didn’t know anything about death until our grandparents died, but when they did we decided that we wanted to be buried there,” He pointed at a clearing between two trees, “Because we thought the trees were twins like us.”
“But Oliver hid in an old travelling trunk when we were nine and it locked on him. He was in there kicking and screaming until Mum pulled him out. After that he had this horrible fear of being shut inside of anything, so when we got to talking about dying, he’d have nothing of being locked in a box and set under the earth.”
“Oh, hell no!” Oliver shuddered, “To be asleep and wake up inside a box buried all that way under the dirt! I’ll have none of that and take no chances with it, either.”
“It’s always been difficult for either of us to imagine being without the other,” The night was casting an odd shadow across Alexander’s face so that I couldn’t diagnose his expression, “Mum used to say we were the same soul split in two and walking around on four legs. It seems unnatural being born together and then dying apart.”
“We were lucky, Alex, you and me. Having a twin brother for a best mate doesn’t happen every time,” Oliver was pensive for a moment before he spoke, “But we have always known that the chances of us both dropping dead on the same day at the same moment were slim.”
“So we decided that we’d be cremated instead of buried.”
“Whoever went first would go into an urn and the other one’d keep him. When the second twin died, he’d be turned to ash and somebody’d mix us up together.”
“Then take us back here to the wood and scatter us about in the place we loved best of all.” Alexander motioned around us.
“But what we didn’t take into consideration was the two of you,” Oliver finished quietly.
Lucy shifted, “What do you mean?”
Alexander took his wife’s hand, “You two became a part of us.”
“And a part of this place, too.” Oliver added.
“When we made the promise we had no idea that you two would show up one day and change everything. We had no idea that two sisters would become just as essential to our lives as we had always been to each other.”
Oliver smiled, “I’ve said it a million times. There’s magic in this wood and you, Silvia, and you, Lucy, are part of it. Alex and I spent the happiest days of our boyhood here. Silvia and I spent our whole life here. And it was here where Lucy and Alex were able to fall in love without bother. We are all part of the magic in this place and the magic in this place is part of us.”
“When Oliver dies, there’ll be no burial,” Alexander’s voice was like a whisper, “He’ll be turned to ash.”
“And I’ll wait. I’ll wait for the next one, be it you, Alex, or my Silvia or Sweet Lucy.”
“If it’s me, I’ll become ash as well and be mixed with my brother.”
“We’d like to ask you both to do the same.”
“We’ll mingle the ashes each at a time until we’re all mixed together in an urn…” Alex shifted himself on the grass.
“And then we’ll ask the children to scatter the four of us here all around the wood, so we can always be part of this place,” Oliver squeezed my hand.
“So we never have to leave it.”
“Or each other.”
I could see the tears on Lucy’s face even in the dark. “Oh, Alexander! I want to stay with you forever!”
I moved to my husband and sat myself on to his lap. I lay my head against his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him. The thought of what they’d suggested thrilled me. “That’s a beautiful idea! Return us to the earth in the place we love most and we’ll never have to leave it. We’ll become part of the trees, Oliver!”
“We’ll become the whispers, Love,” Oliver kissed me gently.
“Yes, Sweetheart, we will. I love it and I love you.”
The days passed. Long, difficult days, but we filled them with laughter as much as we were able. Oliver grew weaker, more and more pale and more and more tired. “I’ll stay as long as I can," He promised me over and over through strangled breaths as he pushed himself on, “I’m not done yet. I’m not done!”
And he really wasn’t. Oliver had lived his entire life at a pace that most people couldn’t have maintained for a week, but he took his time finishing up his stay. He struggled to breathe, he coughed until he bled, he had horrible pain throughout his body and headaches to the point where he was not even like himself at all. He was nasty to people and sometimes he’d lie on the bed and cry. Finally, one horrible Saturday morning he had a seizure. I was home alone with him at the time. I thought he’d be dead by the time the ambulance arrived, but he came round on the way to hospital. When we got there, he refused to stay. I begged him to for just one night, just until I could hire a nurse and bring him home.
“Please, Oliver,” I sobbed, “Please don’t make me go through that alone again…”
His eyes flashed with sudden guilt, “Oh, Silvia!” He whispered, “My God! I’m so sorry!”
Alexander and I found him a reputable nurse through the hospital referral service. Two days later we brought him home. He told us all he wanted was to go to bed. His head hurt. He was tired. So, so tired. We let him. There was nothing we could do but watch him.
Lucy and I decided that it was time we called our children. They reacted as children do, some with anger at not having been told sooner, some with shock, some with nothing but concern and understanding. They all came in pairs with their wives, husbands, children and grandchildren. They brought us food and drinks. They cleaned the yard and the house. They laughed together and held each other and cried. Every single one of them told me Oliver needed to be in the hospital and every single one of them received a scolding from Alexander, who was quick to protect his brother’s dying wishes.
In so many ways it was harder on Alex than anybody to watch his brother fail. It was easy to be selfish about Oliver and think of him as my own. He’d been the central part of my life for so many years. But Xander had known him longer. They’d once been the same organism, a single fertilized egg in a woman that had somehow split into two. They’d been born together and lived together for seventeen years and then again for nearly five. They’d loved and laughed, fought and hated each other, but they’d always had the other. Oliver, as he had been for me, had been the longest, most constant thing Alexander had ever known.
Caro stayed night and day when I first said she should come, but during those last long hours, she could not take watching her daddy suffer any longer. Theirs had been a tender union and I knew her heart was bleeding as their bond was being slowly ripped away. Carolena was not a young woman any longer, she was a grandmother in her own right, and the pain and toil was showing in the gentle creases of her still beautiful fa
ce.
Nigel was trying to get her to leave with him. Nigel had been doing the opposite of everyone else the last few weeks. Instead of dwelling in death with Oliver, he was concentrating on the living. “Carolena, please,” There was a deep concern in his voice, “Adam’s worried sick over you. Come on back to my house with me and have a decent dinner. Take a hot shower. I’ve got things to help you sleep. Take the weight off for a few hours. I’ll bring you back first thing in the morning.”
“Nigel’s right. You need a good night’s rest, Muffin,” I told her gently, “Your husband is worried about you and so am I.”
“What if I leave and he dies, Mummy?” She wept. Nigel put his arms around her and held her tight. “I can’t just leave him!”
“He’s going to die, Carolena. You don’t have to watch him do it,” I couldn’t see Nigel’s face at that moment, but his voice sounded like Alexander’s, steady and even, “He wouldn’t want you to. He wants you to remember the strong, happy man he always was. You don’t have to have the memory of his death mingled with all the good times. He wouldn’t want it. He loves you and he knows you love him. You don’t have to prove how much by torturing yourself. Didn’t you promise him to always be happy?”
“How can I be happy now?” She begged.
“Because you had him in your life for all these fifty-nine years!” I told her, “Because you had a father who loved you beyond love and who would tell you as I am that you need to get to your husband and leave your father to his wife. Your husband is at Nigel’s waiting to love and comfort you. Go to him, Carolena. There might be a time one day when you can’t.”
Carolena’s eyes were wide with sudden comprehension. She spent one last hour in the bedroom, sitting beside Oliver with his hand held in hers. She was silent. Sometimes there are not words. Sometimes there is no need for them. Sometimes the still and the silence say more than a person could if they tried.
Carolena left her Daddy, but not because she wanted to. She left because she knew Nigel and I were right. Nigel, her cousin, her oldest and best friend, took her in his arms and walked with her to the car. I saw him take a minute to hold her tight. When he released her, he told her something I could not hear. She nodded and smiled sadly. He helped her into the car and then he took her where she needed to be, back with her husband in the land of the living.
As Oliver failed, Gryffin and Warren sat by his bedside for long hours. Oliver had medication hooked up to an IV in his arm. A push of a button kept him pain free, but it kept him unconscious most of the time as well. Still every once in a while he would look over at them and make a comment like, “If you’re going to hang around, why don’t you go and chop some wood? Make yourselves useful. Clean a dish. Something.”
His sons would laugh. “We’ve chopped all the wood and Mum chases us out of her kitchen. Do you need anything, Dad?”
“Ah, just six or seven organ transplants, Lads. Got a liver?”
It was not long before the jokes stopped. Oliver would lie in that bed moaning and rasping for breath. Only the medication was a comfort to him, but it destroyed his ability to stay awake longer than it took to click the button. He stopped eating and refused a feeding tube. When the final days became obvious, the boys came and went. Seeing their father near death was more than either of them could stand.
I caught Warren outside on the last night pretending he was not crying. “It’s all right,” I told him, “You can cry, you know. No one will think the less of you.”
“If I start I’ll never stop.” He wiped his eyes with his hand.
“You will one day.” I put my hand on his arm, “No one cries forever, Ren. It’s hard to watch him go through this, I know.”
“I can deal with him dying. I just can’t deal with watching him do it. I’m sorry, Mum, but I wish he’d just go. He’s in so much pain and he won’t be getting any better. He’s suffering.” Warren hung his head, “I just need a minute before I go back inside. Gryffin’s talking about having the sick feeling in his stomach. I wish he’d shut his noise. I know this is the end. I don’t need to hear it from him.”
“Why don’t you just go home, Son? It’s late.”
“I just need a minute.”
“No, I think you and Gryffin both need to go for the night.” I patted his shoulder, “I sent Caro a while ago. She tried to argue with me and she lost. So will you. Stay here. I’ll tell Gryff.”
Gryffin didn’t argue with me, but he didn’t want to go either. “There’s blood pooling in his palms, Mum,” He was whispering in the kitchen as if no one else was aware of how dismal the situation was, “He’s not got a long time left.”
“Well, we already knew that.”
“I can’t leave him. He never left me. Not once. Not ever.”
“Helping your father to cross the veil is not your place. That’s mine and Alexander’s. What I need you to do now is take your brother someplace where he can deal freely with how he’s feeling. Please, he’s about to split at the seams. I can’t take care of everyone right now, Gryff. There’s nothing you can do for your dad, but you can take care of your brother for me.” I saw him hesitate, “Please, I need you to look after Warren for me.”
He nodded reluctantly. “I will, Mum.”
“Thank you, Muffin,” I had to stand on the tip of my toes to hug my son. My boys were both tall like their dad, who had been a head taller than most. I kissed Gryffin on his cheek and held him tight.
“Are you sure you don’t need me here?” He asked me seriously.
“You and your constant worrying, Child!” I patted his shoulder, “No, I’ve got Alexander and Lucy. I’ll be fine.”
Before they left, Warren and Gryffin went to their father.
“Dad,” Warren leaned over Oliver and kissed him on the cheek, “I’m going for a little while. Before I do, I want to tell you thank you. I’m not good with what I want to say, but thank you for everything, for all of it. I thank God you’re my father.”
He moved aside for Gryffin, who kissed Oliver’s forehead, “Ours was a happy childhood because of you, Dad, and we’re happy men because you showed us how to be. Thank you for all the laughs. I’ll keep you always. In my heart and thoughts. I’ll never forget all you taught me.”
Oliver didn’t open his eyes. I am sure that he was not able. “Thank you,” He barely whispered, “For being my sons.”
“We love you, Dad,” Warren’s voice broke.
“No words, Renny. I already know.” He drew a rattling breath, “I love you both. I’m just so, so tired. I just want to sleep.”
“Do that then,” Gryffin took a step back, “Go to sleep now. We’ll see you again. In time, Dad. We’ll see you again in time.”
If Oliver heard him he made no response.
After they left the cabin, my sons stood out in the front lawn for a long time with their arms around each other’s shoulders and their foreheads pressed together. When they had finally collected themselves, Gryffin did what I asked and he took his brother home.
Natalie appeared with Mickey about an hour later. She was checking on us all, making sure that we were managing. She’d brought over a shepherd’s pie and bottles of cold water. “A late supper is better than not eating at all,” She kissed Lucy on the cheek, “I know none of you are much up for cooking, Mummy.”
“You’re so sweet,” Lucy whispered, “Your dad is in with Oliver. Go say hello. They’ll both be happy to see you.”
“Is Ollie awake?”
“He’s in and out. Go. He’ll know you’re there.”
Natalie sat with Alexander at Oliver’s bedside for a while, her arm wrapped in her father’s. Alexander stared at his brother and patted his daughter’s hand.
“Nattie?” Oliver woke after a time.
“Hi, Ollie,” She bent beside the bed and kissed his cheek. He opened his hand and caught hers. He whispered something I couldn’t hear and Natalie laughed while drawing back her tears.
“Thank you, I will,” She smiled down
at him, “I promise.”
He held her hand for a moment longer before the medicine took over and he let her go.
“Will you three be OK, Auntie Sil?” She whispered to me later as she prepared to leave, “Should Mickey and I stay?”
“No, Nattie Muffin,” I had to smile at her. It was impossible not to. Even in her late fifties Natalie still kept the innocent, doll-like face she’d always possessed. “You two go home.”
“It’s not a problem.”
“Nattie, please. Go home and sleep in your bed with your husband.”
She got my meaning.
Annie and Bess called afterward, intending on coming by, and spoke to their mother, who told them as well that there was no reason for them to look after us. After Lucy hung up, the cabin was silent. It was just a nurse, Alex, Lucy and I who remained. None of us spoke a word.
Oliver refused to die. I could hear murmurs coming from the bedroom. Every so often he’d respond to them, but I couldn’t understand what he said. I knew he was with the Lord and the Lady. I wished I understood what words they spoke and I hoped that the Lady had some magic to comfort him the way she had me when she had asked the winds to make me sleep. I hoped that she could help him find freedom from his pain because I could not.
Lucy sat alone with Oliver for a long time while Alexander and I lingered together in agony in the front room. It was about an hour before he stood, “I’ve got to talk to him,” His voice was desperate, “He has to listen to me now. Someone has to get through to him.” I watched Alexander walk to the bedroom and I heard him ask Lucy to give him time with his brother.
Lucy and I stood in the hallway and held each other close as he began to speak.
“Oliver, I’m glad you’re awake. Listen, I need to tell you some things. Mind, I’ve always told you what I’m thinking, so I’m not stopping now just because you’re sick. Listen to me now. It’s important. You were the oldest by thirteen minutes. You were always the first, always faster, always a little bit bigger and better than me. Truth is I looked up to you. We all did. You were the bravest of anybody we knew. I hid in your shadow so often, Brawd. I don’t think you even knew it. I always felt as long as I had you somewhere close I was safe. I’ve always known that somebody would be on my side no matter what because I had you for my brother. ” He was speaking quickly, leaning over the bed, “I need to tell you some things, so all that’s never been said is said. You never let me down. I’ve always been proud to be your twin. It took me a long time to step out of your shadow and figure out who I was. Even then I wished I was more like you. You’ve got a rotten streak in you, but you’ve always been kind. I get angry and I do and say things I might not mean, but you…you only say what you mean and even when it’s nasty it’s fair. You did more good things in your life than I can count or probably even know about.” Alexander’s voice was losing its resolve, “Who knows how many children might have suffered or even died if you hadn’t been their doctor. And you with all of our kids…you were amazing to watch. I still admire you.”
After Forever Ends Page 61
