by Jeff Strand
Chloe. Right. Back to work.
The group came in as a mob, and he could tell that the auditorium was going to fill up quickly. That sounded impressive as hell, but the room only had 160 seats, enough for exactly four tram cars’ worth of people.
There was a sign that very clearly stated that Monster Biology 101 was not for the squeamish and was not recommended for younger children.
The thing about cryptozoology was that it was mostly speculative. The thing about the Haunted Forest cryptozoologists was that they got to do a shitload more hands-on work than any of their peers. Mark smiled when he thought about that. He and Hannah were the envy of damned near everyone working in their specialty. They got to play with monsters.
Well, the dead ones. He wasn't so keen on the idea of actually trying to dissect a live one. People lost fingers and throats that way.
He checked his remote control to make sure it was on as the crowd settled in. Then he looked over at Hannah. She was straightening her skirt and looking at the crowd. For one moment he allowed himself a daydream, in which he got to play with her skirt the same way.
Chloe. Right. Back to work.
"Happy Halloween everyone!" His voice came through the PA system without any extra feedback. The microphone never had feedback. It was actually kind of unnatural and disturbing.
The audience gave an enthusiastic "Happy Halloween" right back.
"Welcome to the Haunted Forest Tour! Actually, welcome to what I like to call Monster Behavior and Biology 101. My name is Dr. Mark Harper. I'm one of those obnoxious people who put Dr. in front of their names without being medical doctors. The lovely lady to my left is Dr. Hannah Chambers, who is equally obnoxious. We're both cryptozoologists. We get paid to study unusual life forms and to discover them whenever possible. Now, most of the people in our line of work might run across a new form of fish or even get lucky enough to catch a glimpse of a Sasquatch if they spend their entire lives hunting for it. Technically, cryptozoology is a new science, but really it's just the name that has changed. There have been people looking for new types of life as long as there have been people, and there have been people for a long time."
That line never got a laugh, but Mark was going to continue to use it until it did.
"The difference for us is that we get to work here, right at the edge of the Haunted Forest."
Hannah stepped forward with a dazzling smile. "What that means is we get paid a very mediocre salary to find out about everything in there." Several people chuckled. A few of the men looked at Hannah with decided interest. "We've had a few delicious encounters with the things in the Haunted Forest, and we're going to show you a few slides of the things we've encountered. But, again, we do not recommend this part of the tour for anyone who is squeamish, and we also don't suggest that any children sit through the presentation."
Hannah looked out into the audience, first at where a tyke sat with his mother and father and then where a couple of preteens could be seen. The people took the hint and the little kid left with his mother and father. One of the preteens stayed, but the other left with her father.
"The reason for my warning is that a big part of what Mark and I do is perform autopsies on the creatures that live in the Haunted Forest."
Mark smiled as he stepped back up to the microphone. "I'm sure you'll all be disappointed to hear that we won't be performing an autopsy in front of you." The audience groaned in mock disappointment.
"Unless any of you volunteer to lie on the table, of course," said Hannah.
I'd love to have you lie on the table, thought Mark, which was the same thing he thought every time she used that joke.
Hannah's joke earned a few chuckles from the audience. It was easy to work with them, because they were there to be amused. They were hyped as hell and excited about the trip they were about to take.
Given what they had paid to be here, keeping the visitors happy was extremely important.
It was also a good chance for Mike and Hannah to strut their stuff.
Mike stepped back and let Hannah do the talking. She took care of the main speech, and they took turns handling the questions afterward.
"We've been investigating the Haunted Forest since shortly after it first showed up. That's right, long before we allowed a tour into the dark and scary woods, we started investigating and cataloguing everything we could find. And believe me, there's been a lot to find."
Hannah pointed to Mike and he flicked the ON switch for the projection screen. The first image showed up, an extreme close-up of an ogre's mouth, all of the teeth in full display. The gums were black, and the huge teeth were put into perspective by a ruler that clearly showed the smallest of them was over four inches in length.
They'd had the fortune to run across a decomposing ogre a couple of years back. The body was still in cold storage, and from time to time, just to scare himself, he read over the autopsy notes and reexamined the facts. Muscular density was four times what it was for a human being, and the bones were almost as dense as petrified wood. A creature that should have already weighed in at close to a thousand pounds, the ogre corpse was closer to a ton. When you counted in the missing limbs and decomposition of the body, that was pretty damned scary. When you added in that the corpse belonged to an adolescent ogre, it was terrifying.
The good news was that they had never run across a living ogre. Mark suppressed a pleasant shiver at the thought.
Mark and Hannah continued the half-hour presentation, stopping on several occasions to answer questions even though they usually asked people to hold their questions until the end. It was one of the most excited, interested crowds they'd ever had.
It was going to be one fun Halloween.
CHAPTER THREE
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Haunted Forest Tour!"
Christopher and Mindy sat near the back of the tram. It held about forty people total, with only two people per row so that everybody got a window seat. They'd boarded after passing through a metal detector, an X-ray machine, and receiving a generous pat-down search. "Biggest thrill I've had in years," his mother had said with a grin.
"My name is Barbara, and I'll be your tour guide today," said the perky young brunette in the park ranger uniform. She stood up front, speaking into a microphone. "I'm so glad you could be here for this special Halloween event. Is everybody excited?"
The crowd indicated that, yes, indeed, they were quite excited.
"Good. Now what I want everybody to do is knock on your window. Go ahead. Knock on it."
Christopher knocked on his window as instructed.
"The reason I asked you to do that is not because we want somebody to answer the window." Barbara waited for polite laughter. "No, I wanted you to see that the windows are very solid. They may look like glass, but they're actually made out of a very special kind of plastic with a long scientific name. The creatures in the Haunted Forest are far from domesticated, and some may come right up to the tram, but rest assured, they can't get in to eat you."
Most of the tourists laughed.
"Also, the bottom of the tram is a giant electronic magnet that our driver can turn on with the flick of a switch. If he does that, not even a team of charging rhinos could knock us off the track. And since you're all wearing your seat belts, you can enjoy the rhino attack in safety and relative comfort. Are there any questions or concerns about your safety while onboard? Good."
The young boy seated in front of Christopher, who was probably about six years old, looked as if he had plenty of questions or concerns about his safety while onboard, but his father winked at him and ruffled his hair.
"It's important to remember that this is a real forest," said Barbara, "and we've only just begun to explore it. There are no animatronic animals out here. This means that your tour will be—say it with me—unpredictable. Your driver will be focusing on driving, and though I'll be watching for interesting sights, I only have two eyes. Therefore, it's your job to not be shy and to let
the rest of us know if you see something. Just raise your hand and we'll stop the tram. Another tram will be following about half an hour behind us, so we can't hang out forever, but we do want to make sure that all of you get a chance to see the fascinating sights within this forest. Are there any questions?"
A man raised his hand. "What if we don't see anything?"
"Well, then we'll be forced to erase the memory of each and every one of you to ensure that you don't tell anybody about your disappointing experience. No, of course I'm only kidding. Believe me, the forest is well inhabited, and I guarantee that you'll see things you never imagined. I would like to take this opportunity to warn you that some of the sights may be disturbing. These aren't all cute fuzzy little animals. Some of them may be quite frightening. But it's Halloween, and that's why you're here, right?"
"Hell yeah!" said Mindy.
"Heck yeah is right," said Barbara. "So fasten your seatbelts, unfasten your imagination, ask the person next to you for permission to grab them if things get scary, and get ready to experience the awesome sights of...the Halloween Haunted Forest Tour!"
The lights illuminating the inside of the tram suddenly turned red. "Mood lighting," Barbara explained. "We do that just to put you in a spooky mood. Is everybody in a spooky mood? Good." The lights went back to normal.
Christopher grinned as the tram began to move. The next batch of tourists waved them goodbye. The tram left the small station and glided slowly and silently along the tracks. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and the Haunted Forest loomed ahead.
"If you want to wimp out, I'm sorry to inform you that your last opportunity for cowardice expired, oh, about fifteen seconds ago," Barbara informed the group. "If you wish to close your eyes and hide under the seats, please be aware that there's not enough room under there for even the tiniest of children, and that we cannot guarantee your comfort. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to leave the world that you know and love behind in five...four...three..."
Christopher almost wanted to giggle. He didn't, though.
"...two...and...one!"
The tram entered the path cut in the forest and was immediately cast into darkness. Not total darkness, more like gloom, but there was definitely very little hint of the beautiful, sunny day. Christopher peered out his window and strained to see what was out there.
"Though light does get through the trees, it's not enough to give you an optimal viewing experience," Barbara explained. "So we have to bring our own."
Bright lights on the side of the tram turned on, illuminating the forest all around them. The tram slowly moved along the track. The forest looked pretty normal so far, but—
"Look at that!" said his mom, nudging him harder than necessary. "In the tree!"
Several of the other tourists looked where she was pointing. There was some sort of furry brown creature, about twice the size of a squirrel, perched on a low branch, eating what looked like a bird. The creature had large fangs and paid no attention to the tram.
"Oh, yes, what you see there is a Laura. You may think that's an unusual name for a creature like that, but an amusing piece of trivia is that many of the people who discovered creatures in the Haunted Forest were allowed to name them. The Lauras were in fact named after the ex-wife of the person who discovered them. I'm sure that's not the way she wanted to achieve immortality, but that's the way it goes."
The Laura stuffed the bird's feet into its mouth. Mindy grimaced.
"Yes, we've already seen one of the grisly aspects of the forest. Hopefully there won't be too many of those, but you never know what's going to happen...on Halloween!"
At this point, Christopher had to admit that he was ready for Barbara to speak a bit less frequently. So he tried to tune her out and watch for cool stuff outside.
There was a definite flash of movement behind one of the larger trees, but he couldn't tell what it was.
The tram continued moving deeper into the forest, and Christopher realized that he was starting to develop a nervous knot in his stomach. The tour was exciting as hell, but at the same time, the forest was almost creepy in a bad way. He wasn't into any of that "negative energy" crap, yet he couldn't quite get over the feeling that, yes, this place was giving off negative energy.
"Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!" said the little kid in front of Christopher. "What's that? What's that?"
"That looks like a ghost!" said his father. He raised his hand. "Is that a ghost?"
Barbara glanced out the window. "I don't see it, point it out."
"It's gone now."
"Well, we'll stop the tram and see if it comes back." The tram came to a gentle stop. "The Haunted Forest does contain some spectral activity. You wouldn't expect to be able to see a ghost in our bright lights, but actually they show up just fine."
"Are these the ghosts of the people who died when the forest appeared?" the man asked.
Barbara shrugged. "Like so many things about the Haunted Forest, that's a mystery. But it would not surprise me if the spirits of the people who were killed on that bizarre and memorable night were not at rest."
"Can they get through the windows?" asked the little boy.
"No, they sure can't."
"Why not?"
"We put ghost spray on the windows."
"Oh."
Barbara grinned at the other tourists as if sharing a private joke. Christopher thought the little boy had brought up a darn good point. How did they keep the ghosts out?
They waited for about three minutes, but the ghost did not return. The tram slid back into motion.
The delighted tourists saw several other creatures as they moved through the forest: a humanoid whose face was ninety percent teeth, a beetle the size of a small dog, bat-like things with glowing red eyes, and a wolf with bloody fur.
"We're now about to reach our first scheduled stop," Barbara announced. The tram veered a bit to the right as it passed a large tree, and then the tourists let out a collective "Oooooh!" as they saw what was beyond: a large bubbling pit, about the size of an Olympic swimming pool. It looked like it was filled with molten lava. And things were swimming in it. Lots of them.
It sort of looked the way Christopher imagined the pits of Hell, except that Hell probably didn't have souls in torment leaping out and doing back-flips.
"We have no idea why this pit is there or what those things are that are swimming in it," Barbara admitted. "But it's a fascinating sight, isn't it?"
Not all of the creatures looked like they were swimming. Some were fighting. In fact, Christopher flinched as it looked like one ripped off the head of another. He was secretly glad when, a few minutes later, the tram pulled away from the pit.
"Spooooooooky, huh?" his mother asked.
As they moved deeper into the forest, the creatures became more and more frequent. They hadn't exaggerated that element at all; the Haunted Forest was packed with monsters. Beasts with claws and fangs and tentacles and huge bloodshot eyes and every kind of grotesque appendage he could imagine. Some were recognizable, some were like nightmare versions of familiar creatures, and others bore no resemblance whatsoever to anything Christopher had ever seen.
Despite the knot in his stomach, Christopher knew how this ranked: Best. Halloween. Ever.
The tram stopped.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now exactly two miles deep into the forest. And now, for a special Halloween scare, let's look at the forest in its natural glory."
Both the lights inside and outside of the tram shut off, casting them into almost complete darkness.
"We're out here, all alone, with nasty creatures on every side of us," said Barbara. "Can they see in the dark? Who knows? Can they smell us?"
Christopher caught a glimpse of a pair of glowing eyes right outside his window.
"Let's just sit here quietly for a moment, shall we?"
The tourists sat silently in the dark. Christopher was surprised to not even hear nervous giggling. There was dead silence for almost a full minut
e.
"Okay, let's turn the lights back on," Barbara said.
The lights remained off.
"Lights," she repeated.
Nothing happened.
"Sorry, we're having a bit of technical difficulty. Nothing to worry about."
A set of claws scraped against Christopher's window. He couldn't see what they belonged to.
CHAPTER FOUR
Tommy Walker knew a fake smile when he saw one, even when it was gloomy and kind of hard to see. He liked Barbara, the lady talking to them in the front of the tram, though her voice hurt his ears a little, but he could tell that she was really upset. She walked toward the front of the tram as the things outside slithered and crawled over the exterior.
A few of the people around Tommy looked at the woman with wide, fearful eyes. For his part, he sat perfectly still and chewed on his bottom lip. Mommy and Daddy didn't like it when he made a fuss. They weren't here with him, because they were going through a d-i-v-o-r-c-e, but his Uncle Perry and Aunt Jean were still being pretty calm, so he hoped this meant that the monsters weren't going to get him.
Without saying a word, Uncle Perry, who sat one row ahead, in front of Aunt Jean, reached into his pocket and took out his cell phone. They'd taken away most of the cell phones before the tour began, but Uncle Perry had shown that his didn't have a camera on it.
Aunt Jean reached across the aisle and patted Tommy's knee. "It's okay, Big Tom. They're just trying to add to the scares." Aunt Jean was ten years younger than his mommy, and her hair was red instead of brown, but they looked enough alike that he found the contact comforting.
Tommy was the youngest person on the Haunted Forest Tour, and his eyes were wide as he stared out the window. Something was staring back at him. He couldn't see it all that clearly with the lights off, but he could make out the hard, bony ridges around its burning green eyes and the long segmented body, held up by a series of skeletal arms that ended in hooked claws, as it scrambled over the outside and looked first at him and then at Aunt Jean.
