The Haunted Forest Tour

by Jeff Strand

  "I'm not in the mood for games, old man."

  "It's a team-building exercise. C'mon, now, you can't tell me that somebody who carries around grenades doesn't have anything unusual to share about himself."

  Eddie gave him the finger.

  "We'll come back to you." Lee turned his attention to Tina. "What about you? One unusual thing."

  "I don't want to play."

  "Sure you do."

  "I...I can touch my nose with my tongue."

  "Let's see it."

  Tina extended her tongue and briefly touched it to the end of her nose.

  "That is absolutely astonishing," said Lee. "I salute you. What about you, young man?" he asked, ruffling Tommy's hair. "What's weird about you?"

  "Lots of stuff."

  "For example?"

  "I dunno."

  "Just name one."

  "I can burp longer than anybody in my class."

  "No, you can't. A little guy like you? I don't believe it."

  "I can."

  "Prove it."

  Tommy took a few gulps of air, closed his eyes, then let out a belch that lasted for a full ten seconds.

  "I stand corrected!" said Lee. "You are truly a talented young man. Someday you'll be president of the United States. Keep up the good work." He looked at Christopher. "And you?"

  "Well, I don't know if I'll have a job when I get back on Monday."

  "And that's unusual?"

  Christopher chuckled. "Maybe not. I do have to say that the experience of facing my boss doesn't seem so bad anymore."

  "Perhaps Eddie will let you borrow one of his grenades."

  "Now there's an idea."

  "Okay, I'll let you get away with the job answer," said Lee. "What about you, Barbara?"

  "Before I got this job as a tour guide, I used to work at a meat packing plant, and I'm a vegetarian."

  "You were a vegetarian before you got the job?"

  "Yes."

  "And it didn't make you want to become a carnivore?"

  "Nope. It solidified my decision."

  "Okay. Good answer. And you, Mindy?"

  Mindy smiled. "I like Rob Schneider movies."

  "No, you're supposed to share a true thing about yourself."

  "It's true. I have them all on DVD."

  "She's telling the truth," Christopher admitted. "Oh, God, how I wish she weren't."

  "Okay, well, let's move on. Brad, what about you? Brad?"

  Brad lay silently on the floor.

  Oh, shit, thought Christopher, staring at the man's unmoving body. But, no, he was still breathing, if only faintly.

  "We'll excuse him," said Lee. "Back to you, Eddie."

  "Screw you still."

  "Why do you find it necessary to be so rude?"

  "I guess I'm just an unpleasant human being."

  "You realize that there'll be book and movie deals galore once we get out of this. Do you really want to be known as the prick?"

  "Fine. I have a tattoo of a cougar on my ass. How about that?"

  "That's sufficient. No evidence is necessary."

  "So what about you?" Christopher asked Lee.

  "Oh, there's nothing unusual about me. I'm just your standard-issue debunker."

  "What's a debunker?" Tommy asked.

  "Somebody who proves that monsters don't exist. Otherwise known as a complete idiot. So let's discuss our plan of action."

  "Okay, here's what I think," said Christopher. "We need to figure out exactly where we are. The best way to do that is just climb a tree as high as we can. For all we know, we're five hundred feet from the edge of the forest."

  "You volunteering?" asked Eddie.

  "Sure."

  Mindy looked as if she wanted to protest, but then lowered her eyes and said nothing.

  "You can't go by yourself," said Lee. "Who knows what kind of things are lurking in those trees? And no, I'm not volunteering. I'm in pretty good shape for my age, but I'm well past my tree-climbing days."

  "I'll go," said Tina.

  Christopher looked at her in surprise.

  "I don't climb trees in my spare time, but I used to be a gymnast. I'll go with you."

  "Okay, that sounds good to me."

  "I'll search the building," said Barbara. "There might be a more secure place for us to hide out. Eddie, do you want to help me?"

  Eddie shook his head. "I should head back to the tracks. If they've got things working again and send another tram, I want to be there."

  "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Christopher asked.

  "No, I'll probably get eaten."

  "You should at least wait until Tina and I scope out our location. Like I said, we could be close to the edge."

  Eddie shrugged. "Fine. You two let me know if it's a merry little stroll to safety, then I'll head off to the tracks. Anybody want to come with me for bait?"

  "I'd go, but I think I'd slow you down," said Lee.

  "Yeah, I think you would, too. Maybe I'll bring Brad along."

  "That's not funny," said Tina.

  Eddie glared at her, then softened a bit. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry. Okay, so, you and momma's boy are going to climb a tree. Barbara's going to look for a better hideout..."

  "I'll help her," said Lee.

  "...with Lee as her chaperone."

  "Mom, do you want to stay here and make sure nothing happens to Tommy and Brad?"

  "I can do that, sure."

  "Good. So let's go."

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  "You know, this may be a terrible idea," said Christopher, gazing up into the tall pine tree. Not much light streamed through the branches. Lots of places for nasty things to hide. And, even if the tree was monster-free, he could always have a nice long fall and break his neck.

  "Yep, definitely a terrible idea," Eddie agreed. "I sure as hell wouldn't go up there. Have fun."

  "We're trusting you, Eddie,," said Christopher. "If anything scurries toward us, shoot it."

  Eddie nodded. "No problem. What percentage of your body do you want to be eaten away before I deliver the mercy shot?"

  "You're a very grim man."

  "It's a very grim forest."

  Christopher turned to Tina. "You ready?"

  "Sure." She sounded like this was a big fat lie, but Christopher wasn't about to call her on it. "If we watch each other's backs, we'll be fine, right?"

  "Absolutely. Which side do you want?"

  "The one with the fewest monsters."

  "Fair enough. What do you think: slow and easy, so we don't wake anything up, or as fast as we can?"

  "Slow and easy."

  "Hey, if you want me to spot you, you'd better go with the 'as fast as you can' idea," said Eddie. "I'm not hanging around here much longer."

  "Well, that answers that," said Christopher, reaching up and grabbing the lowest branch. "Let's get a move on."

  Tina walked around to the other side of the tree. Christopher pulled himself up and stood on the lowest branch. It seemed to be perfectly sturdy. He could only see Tina's arm as she pulled herself up to the lowest branch as well.

  They began to climb.

  The branches were thick and difficult to maneuver around, but there didn't seem to be anything living in them. Nor did any of the branches spring to life and try to impale Christopher or toss him into the air, which was nice. He asked Tina how she was doing every minute or so, even though she was outpacing him by a full body-length.

  "Oh, gross," said Tina from the other side.

  "What?"

  "Sap. But it's green. Kind of looks like snot."

  "Maybe the tree has a cold."

  "That would be our luck. It'll probably sneeze."

  "Stop talking about sneezing trees and climb, dammit!" Eddie called out.

  They continued to climb. The first sign of life crawled over Christopher's arm when they were about fifty feet high.

  It looked like a ladybug, although it was one hell of a ladybug, approximately the size of a computer
mouse. It left Christopher's arm before he could even flinch and moved around to the other side of the tree.

  "Watch out for the bug," he said.

  He heard Tina gasp. Seconds later, the ladybug flew past him and fluttered away.

  "See, not every creature in the forest wants to devour us," Christopher remarked. "Some of them are rather...oh, crap..."

  Hundreds of oversized ladybugs streamed down the tree towards him. They washed over him like a ladybug shower, as Christopher squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to panic. It's okay...it's okay...they're probably not carnivorous...

  Tina screamed on the other side.

  Then, as quickly as it had begun, the flood of ladybugs ended. Christopher watched as the red tide moved down to the bottom of the tree. Eddie stomped a few times as they moved past him.

  "You okay?" Christopher asked Tina.

  "Delightful."

  They resumed climbing, picking up the pace. The trees were all very similar heights, so it looked like they were going to have to go all the way to the top—two hundred feet or so—to get a good vantage point.

  "You okay?" Christopher asked.

  "Quit asking me that."

  "Sorry."

  Christopher froze and stared up into the darkness. Had something moved above him, or was that just a rustling in the wind? He didn't see any glowing eyes or gleaming fangs. Probably just a rustling in the wind. Definitely just a rustling in the wind. Best to be optimistic.

  He looked down and was suddenly much less optimistic.

  The panther—at least it looked like a panther—struck Eddie from behind before Christopher could even start to call out a warning. Eddie hit the ground hard, but quickly rolled over on his back as the panther lashed out at him with its front paw.

  Christopher let go of the branch with his left arm and waved it in the air. "Hey! Hey, you! Up here!"

  "What the hell are you doing?" Tina asked.

  "Drawing it away from him!"

  "Well, don't!"

  Eddie squeezed off a shot. The panther yelped as a streak of red appeared on its side. The beast leapt off of Eddie and onto the tree that Christopher and Tina currently occupied. It started to climb at a much more rapid pace than Christopher had been able to achieve.

  "Shit!" he shouted, because it seemed appropriate, as he frantically grabbed for the next higher branch. "Eddie, shoot it! Shoot it! Shoot it! Shoot the damn thing!"

  Christopher heard the shot as Eddie fired. The bullet sliced across his upper arm. It took a moment for the realization to sink in ("That son of a bitch shot me!") and another moment for the pain to kick in.

  He'd just been grazed, but damn, it stung.

  The panther was climbing fast.

  Another shot. The panther yelped and stopped climbing...but only for a second. Then it let out a loud, unnerving snarl and resumed its upward movement. Christopher tried to grab the next higher branch, but his arm wasn't working right and he missed. He tried again and managed to get hold of it, and a bolt of pain shot through his arm as he pulled himself up, enough to make him feel dizzy. He was going to have to do this with one arm.

  Tina was now two full body-lengths above him. He thought about the old joke with the two friends and the bear: "I don't have to outrun the bear; I just have to outrun you."

  "Crap!" he heard Eddie say. Christopher was pretty sure this meant "Crap, I'm out of ammunition."

  At least it's going to be a macho death, he thought. How many people get killed by panthers, after all? There was no shame in going that way.

  The panther snarled once more, and then opened its mouth wide. Its tongue shot out, frog-style, and wrapped around Christopher's foot. He hadn't expected that. He smashed his other foot against the tongue, and it quickly withdrew back into the panther's mouth.

  Now the panther seemed to be just as angry as it was hungry. As it crawled up the tree after him, Christopher realized that there was simply no way he was going to outrun it. He also probably wasn't going to defeat it in one-on-one combat. His only option was to hope that Eddie was able to quickly reload his rifle and then shoot with improved aim.

  Or...kick.

  He kicked the panther in the face so hard that he thought something in his foot might have snapped. The beast seemed unphased. His second kick got it right in its open mouth, knocking out some teeth. The panther slashed with its front paw, creating a two-foot-long gash in Christopher's pants, as well as his leg. A third kick connected directly with its skull, and the panther fell out of the tree and landed on its side on the ground below.

  It immediately got up, shook itself off, and climbed back up the tree. This was a very resilient panther.

  "Jump to the next tree!" Tina shouted.

  The closest tree was about four feet away. Not that much of a jump, unless your leg had recently been savaged by a panther's claws.

  The panther was moving fast. Christopher decided that Tina's advice was sound and leapt toward the next tree. Several branches scraped him all over, and the pain in his leg exploded as he made the leap, a sensation that was only slightly less intense than the pain when he landed on the other tree.

  His foot struck the intersection between two branches, and he lost his balance. Though he kept from plummeting to the ground below, thanks to lots of very sharp branches that blocked his fall, he found himself lying on his side, frantically struggling to get back to a standing position.

  Tina leaped onto the tree, landing above him with a hell of a lot more grace than he'd managed. Some pine needles rained onto his face as she hit.

  The panther climbed up to Christopher's level and looked over at him, as if trying to decide whether to make the jump. Christopher was pretty sure it was going to. He pulled on some branches to lift himself up, but his foot was tightly wedged.

  Oh no. No way. I can not be stuck in this frickin' tree. My life can not be a comedy of errors like this.

  He yanked as hard as he could, confirming that his foot was indeed stuck. Tina hurriedly climbed down toward him. "What's wrong?"

  "My foot's stuck!"

  "Are you fucking kidding me?"

  The panther leaped onto their tree, landing right beneath Christopher.

  "Go!" he shouted at Tina. "Get out of here!" No sense both of them getting ripped to shreds just because he was an incompetent klutz.

  Tina ignored him. She dropped down onto the large branch that was supporting most of his weight and snapped off one of the smaller branches.

  The panther lunged upward.

  Tina slammed the branch into its eye.

  The panther let out a howl of such extreme agony that Christopher couldn't help but feel a little bit sorry for it. Not too sorry, though. It dropped off the tree and struck the ground a second time, landing on the branch and driving it into its skull. This time, the panther didn't get back up.

  Eddie shot it.

  "Oh, that was real helpful!" Christopher shouted at him.

  "Screw you."

  "You shot me, you penis!"

  "Your arm got in my way!"

  "You were supposed to be protecting us!"

  "Screw you."

  "Um, how about we focus on your foot before another one of those things shows up?" asked Tina.

  Christopher nodded. Tina grabbed onto one of the intersecting branches with both hands and pulled. Christopher popped his foot free.

  "Thanks."

  "No problem. Do you want to head back down?"

  "No, no, we still need to figure out where we are."

  "I can do it."

  "Nah, we should still watch each other's back." That was only part of the reason. Christopher didn't relish the idea of returning to the others with a report about how he'd nearly gotten killed, forced Tina to risk her life, and then failed to accomplish anything worthwhile. He was completely willing to admit to himself that he suffered from macho pride, and going back in disgrace would hurt much more than his leg and arm would as he climbed to the top.

  That said, the
actual climb threatened to prove him wrong. Every step was like a rusty fishhook jabbing into his body. Fortunately, though, there were no other wild animal attacks, and even the ladybugs stayed away.

  They reached the very top of the tree, which swayed in a rather unnerving manner, and gazed out at the thick forest. There were a few clearings and a narrow winding path, but it was impossible to see what lurked beneath the trees.

  "That path is where the tram goes, right?" Tina asked.

  "Yeah, I think so."

  She sighed. "Then we ran in the wrong direction after the accident. We went deeper into the forest."

  "Yeah, but still, if we just go that way," Christopher said, pointing to the nearest edge of the forest, "we can be home free in just...what, two miles?"

  "Two long miles."

  "At least we have a direction now. That's a start."

  Swish swish swish...

  Christopher spun around. "Did you hear that?"

  "Yeah. What is that?"

  Swish swish swish...

  "Let's climb back down before we find out," Christopher suggested.

  "Good idea."

  An instant later, a bird flew above the trees, less than twenty feet from them. A huge bird, at least the size of a car, with black feathers and red eyes.

  It flew at them, claws outstretched.

  Christopher had just enough time to say "Shi—!" as the bird snatched him out of the tree and flew away, its talons digging deep into his chest.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Mark Harper had gone nearly an hour without flirting with Hannah, and it was starting to bug him. He hoped to get in several more clever bits of subtle and not-so-subtle innuendo before the day ended a few hours from now. Then he could head home and take his three kids out trick-or-treating. Later he could have sex with Chloe, since of course his wife was the only woman he would have sex with.

  And of course, Hannah was not the only reason he lived for working on the Haunted Forest Tour. It wasn't often that a cryptozoologist got such a high-profile, well-paying position. He thoroughly enjoyed cataloguing the new life forms they discovered inside the forest, and Hannah's presence was a mere bonus.

  God, he wanted to do her. It could be in a tender romantic manner or a rough animalistic manner, quietly or noisily, but he wanted to do her.