by Dee J. Stone
Dani’s features soften. “You came back for her.”
I don’t say anything, just watch kids building sand castles.
“You love her,” she says.
I shift in my chair. I should leave. The hell I’m doing, having a heart to heart with a girl who can’t stand my guts.
She lays a hand on my arm as I try to get up. “Wait.”
I look at her.
“Rey’s been good to her, Cruiser.”
I fall back in my chair. Snap my eyes shut. I know he’s been good to her. I know he will continue to be good to her. Look out for her, protect her. Yeah, he messed up Monday night, but he’ll never hurt her. Lex’s been good to him, too. I don’t want them to break up. Except, I do. I really do. How screwed up is that?
“Why don’t you try to be friends with her,” Dani says.
I open my eyes. “What will that accomplish? I don’t want to be friends with her. I want her.” My brother’s girlfriend.
She doesn’t say anything for a bit. Just stares out at the ocean. Then she says, “You never know what will happen. Maybe things won’t work out between them.”
I look at her. “Why wouldn’t things work out?”
She doesn’t say anything again for a few seconds. “Just try to be her friend. I think she can use you as a friend. Maybe if you stopped sleeping around—”
“I don’t want to sleep around,” I mutter. “I quit in New York.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Then stop.”
I squeeze the sides of the chair. “Maybe I should just go back to my grandparents.”
She opens her magazine and flips through it. “If that’s what you want.”
I watch her for a while. “Rey’s good to her,” I say.
Her gaze is on her magazine. “Maybe a relationship needs more than just ‘good.’”
“You’re saying she’s not happy with Rey?”
“I’m not saying anything.”
“I’m not breaking them up.”
She turns a page. “You better not.”
I get up. Swipe my surfboard off the sand and make my way to the ocean.
Friends. Maybe I can do that. Maybe Dani’s right and they will break up. Not saying I’ll do anything to jeopardize their relationship, but in the slight chance they do break up, I don’t want her running to some other guy. I want her to run to me. To my arms. Yeah, I know how fucked up that is. Brothers’ ex-girlfriends are off limits. But I can’t help it. I don’t care that she was with Rey, that her lips touched his. I just want her, dammit.
If they don’t break up, ‘least I can have her in my life. As a friend. Not sure if I could handle it, but it’s worth a try.
Chapter Twenty
Lex
No matter how many times I do this, the butterflies never go away. Peeking at the audience is a bad idea. No one’s here to cheer me on, but having all those people watching sends the butterflies into a frenzy.
“Hey, you okay?” Holly, captain of the squad, squeezes my shoulder.
The host school, Hamilton, is on stage now. Murrow High’s up next. We’re third. The audience is really into Hamilton’s routine—some people are practically off their chairs. They’ll win first place for sure. Just like last meet, and the one before that.
Exhaling, I say, “I think so.”
The squad’s been working extra hard this week, even missed some class. Will it pay off? Will we place at this meet?
Will I be on my game?
“My parents couldn’t make it either,” Holly says.
I turn around to face her. Her mom’s a professional singer who’s always at a gig or raising money for charity. She usually hauls Holly’s dad along. Ever since Rosie’s accident, Mom couldn’t make it to any of my meets. She was always so busy. She and Rosie are probably with a doctor now. Dad’s at work.
My cell phone buzzes in my bag. Rey wanted to come, but he couldn’t reschedule his violin session. With his next recital only days away, I told him to focus and not worry about me. He’s been to many of my meets, and there will be more in the future. If I stick with dance.
I glance over to make sure Coach Lewis isn’t looking—she hates cell phones during practice, let alone dance meets—and check my phone.
Hey baby. Wishing you lots of luck. Kick some ass! xoxo
A smile creeps onto my face. Those words fuel me with confidence. Rey may not be here in body, but his spirit stands next to me. Move over, Hamilton Wolves, the Sharkettes are taking the gold.
“South Beach High on deck,” the announcer calls.
I stash my phone in my bag and join my team in a huddle. Holly pumps us up with a short speech and we cheer, “Goooo, Sharkettes!”
The Wolves pass us on our way to the deck, pressing their shiny white and gray poms together, singing a short good luck tune. Murrow High runs off the stage and we get into position. Just as the music starts, I look out into the audience and my heartbeat echoes in my ears. Standing in the corner is Cruiser Dalton.
“Lex!” Holly hisses. I jerk and realize my teammates have their poms in their hands. Mine are still on the floor at my feet. Shaking my head so I can get back into this and not screw up, I grab my poms and join my team in the routine.
As I raise my arms over my head and wave my poms, adrenaline shoots throughout my body. My legs move on their own, totally in sync with the beats of the music and my teammates. The stage is my runway and I feel like the spotlight is on me. I haven’t felt this alive since before the accident. My heart’s telling me that this is where I belong.
Two minutes later, our poms are back on the floor, and the audience is cheering. My teammates jump up and down. We…we did it.
“Lex!” Holly throws an arm around my shoulders, pulling me off stage. “We rocked it! Oh my God, did you see the crowd? We were on fire!”
I glance at the corner of the auditorium. Cruiser’s not there. He’s not anywhere. A defeating feeling slides inside me.
“Did you see Cruiser Dalton here?” I ask Holly.
She stares at me like I asked her if humans have two legs. “Cruiser?”
“Never mind.” I dump my poms near my bag and run outside, then almost fall flat on my face when I find him leaning against the wall of the building, playing with a blade of grass. I just stand there gawking at him as he tears the blade in two and drops one half on the ground.
“Hey,” he says.
A lump as big as my poms forms in my throat. I force down a swallow. “Hi.”
He flicks a loose strand of hair off his forehead.
I cross my arms over my chest because I suddenly feel like I’ve been dumped in a pool of ice-cold water. “What…what are you doing here?”
He doesn’t say anything, just continues to play with the blade.
“You skipped work to come to my meet? Why?”
He raises his eyes and looks at me, so intense it feels like our minds are merging into one. He drops the second half of the blade of grass and folds his arms. “Someone had to be here for you.” His tone is as soft as the breeze rushing through my hair.
My heart pounds so loud in my ears it’s drowning out the cheers coming from Hamilton’s gym. How did he know no one was going to be here?
He pushes off the wall and takes a step toward me. “You were really great up there, Lex. I just want you to know—”
“We won first place!” Lizzy from the squad grabs my arm and tries to tow me away from Cruiser. “We won first! Coach is taking us for pizza to celebrate. Come on!”
“One second,” I tell her, then look back at Cruiser. “You want me to know…?”
His gaze travels from Lizzy to me. Then he shakes his head. “You know, forget about it. Congrats on the win. Enjoy the pizza.”
I’m about to ask if he’s sure, but Lizzy grabs my arm and pulls me farther and farther away. His eyes don’t leave my face. Right before I get on the bus, I give him a smile and a small wave.
***
After Holly drops me off at my h
ouse, I hurry inside to tell Rosie and Mom how well the squad performed today. But my mother is on the phone in the kitchen, probably with another doctor.
And Rosie’s with Cruiser in the living room.
Instead of the fury I got the last time he was near her, this time I feel…I’m not really sure how to describe it. The unease is still there, but at the same time, this warm feeling invades my stomach, kind of like the same feeling I had when I saw Cruiser’s ship last week. Rey’s never spent any time with Rosie. I’d like my boyfriend to love Rosie as much as I do. But is Cruiser spending time with her out of guilt? Or does he truly care about her?
He’s sitting near Rosie on the couch as they play a split-screen racing game. Rosie’s winning. I wonder if Cruiser’s sucking on purpose. He’s never been the competitive type. Rosie’s face shines with joy, something I hardly see these days.
“You lose!” She cheers, bringing a fist over her head.
Cruiser pouts. “Okay, best of three. This is my first time.”
Rosie sees me and waves. “Hi, Lexi.”
I’m about to wave back, but Cruiser’s eyes jet to mine, and all of the sudden I want to hide in the closet. My uniform has a big pizza stain right between the “k” and “e” of my “sharkettes” letters. So embarrassing.
“Hey,” Cruiser says.
Why does it feel like my second pom’s squeezed in my throat? I manage a low, “Hey.”
A few seconds of awkward silence pass. Rosie’s eyes travel from me to Cruiser, from Cruiser to me. He just stares at me.
“Um…I’ll be right back,” I say.
As I head to my room, my heart beats rapidly. I’m not even sure why. Just because Cruiser came to cheer me on at my dance meet, things are better between us? He skipped work and traveled all the way to Hamilton—a good hour drive. He made me feel like my dancing is actually worth something.
What does all this mean?
I drop down on my bed and dial Dani. It rings three times. Does she have karate this afternoon? I can never get her schedule down.
“Congrats on first,” she says.
“How do you know?”
“Lizzy texted everyone at school.”
“Oh.” I finger the floral pattern on my bedspread.
“Everything okay?”
“Cruiser’s in my living room.”
A few seconds pass. “How long until you kick him out?”
Someone else might laugh at that, but I frown. The way she said that makes me sound like a bitch. So what if Cruiser likes to spend time with Rosie, even if it may be out of guilt? She adores him—she always had since she was really little. It’s not like he’s going to throw her into the street before a speeding car.
“He was at my dance meet today,” I whisper. I don’t know why. I’m sure Cruiser’s ear is not pressed to my door. Maybe it’s because it feels like it was a secret thing between Cruiser and me, something only the two of us shared.
“He was?” Her voice sounds as surprised as I felt at the meet when I first saw him.
“Yeah. He skipped work to be there for me. Dani, what…what do you think it means?”
“That he wanted to see you dance?”
I lie down and stare at the ceiling. “Do you think he came because he really wanted someone to cheer me on, or was he just looking for an excuse to skip work?”
“In my most honest opinion? I think he came because he knew you’d have no one else and he wanted to be there for you.”
Tears gather in my eyes. Why? What is it about Cruiser coming that me makes me feel this way? Is it because it means that if Cruiser actually came for me—and not as an excuse to ditch work—he cares about me?
“I met him at the beach the other day,” Dani says. “We spoke for a bit. He’s not what I thought at all. I bet he’s not at all what you think, either. There’s much more to him than meets the eye, Lex. Much, much more.”
I don’t know why that makes the tears spill down my cheeks. “What am I supposed to do?” I ask, trying to keep the tears out of my voice.
“Honestly? Give the guy a chance. Try to have some sort of relationship with him instead of bottling up all this hurt and anger.”
“But Dani—”
“I don’t mean you should break up with Rey and date him or fall in love with him. I just mean you guys should work on building some sort of relationship, friendship, whatever. He cares a lot about you, Lex. Give him a chance. Do you really want to carry this grudge for the rest of your life?”
I lower my phone to the bed as Dani’s words sink in. She’s right. Cruiser’s not the one who holds a grudge—it’s me. He tried to apologize so many times, and I pushed him away, didn’t want to hear a single word. All of this is my fault. Had I not put the blame on him, we would still be close.
Do I really want to spend the rest of my life not speaking to him? Next year we’ll be seniors and who knows what might happen after that? If I don’t make things better between us now, I might lose him forever.
I put the phone back to my ear. “I have to go, Dani.”
“Good luck with whatever you do.”
I head back to the living room and watch Cruiser and Rosie play. He cares about her, he really does. There’s definitely guilt there—just like I feel when I’m with her. But I really think Cruiser genuinely cares about my sister.
“Hey, if it’s okay with Mom, do you guys want to go out for ice cream?” I ask.
They both turn around. Rosie’s eyes shine with excitement and Cruiser’s are shocked, wary, like he’s asking me, Are we cool now? Do you forgive me for everything I put you through?
I’m not sure what I feel. I know I’m not as hurt as I used to be. The accident was just an accident and it’s been over a year since he broke my heart. Cruiser isn’t the same person, and like Dani said, I really don’t know him at all. And if I want to be honest with myself, I know that I want to get to know him again. He’s Cruiser. My other best friend. He used to mean everything to me.
“Yeah!” Rosie says. I don’t have to wait for an answer from Cruiser—I see it in his eyes.
“Okay, cool,” I say lamely. “Let me just go change first.”
I run up the stairs to my room and fling open my closet. Crap, what should I wear? It’s Cruiser, just Cruiser. Someone I hope to be friends with again. But oh God, it’s Cruiser.
After a few minutes, I pick a teal tank and a white skirt, and head back down. I tell Mom we’re going to the ice cream shop, and she nods, the phone still clutched to her ear.
“I’m ready,” I say when I step into the living room.
Cruiser jumps to his feet, a little too enthusiastically. He does a small scan of me before he closes his palms over Rosie’s wheelchair handles and rolls her to the door. Oh, crap. With rushing to find a good outfit, I totally forgot to check how my hair looks. Dani told me my hair always looks wild after practice or a competition—do I look like a cavewoman? I probably do. But what does it matter? Cruiser and I are friends, well I hope we will be, and friends don’t care if friends look like cave people. Maybe I should just quickly run to the mirror?
“Ready?” Cruiser asks.
“Okay,” I say and follow him outside.
We head down to the ice cream shop two blocks away. I thought things would be awkward, but Rosie turns into a chatterbox, and I relax. She doesn’t seem to mind when all the kids on the street point or stare at her. Or maybe she’s putting on a brave front. Does she feel more at ease when Cruiser’s there? It probably makes her feel good to have a hot teenage boy pushing her in her wheelchair.
We finally reach the shop and walk up to the counter. Rosie orders her favorite vanilla and chocolate cone drizzled with hot fudge and Reese’s pieces, and Cruiser turns to me. “Chocolate chip cookie dough?”
I smile and nod. He returns it. He hardly ever smiles a real genuine one. I’ve forgotten how warm it looks.
We get our cones, pay, and head to a table in the back. Cruiser pulls a chair aside to make room
for Rosie, lowering himself on the chair near her. I sit across from him.
“Rosie, did you hear Lex’s pom squad placed first?” Cruiser asks, licking his cone.
“First place? Cool.” Rosie crunches some Reese’s pieces. “Were you there?”
My eyes lock with his. I don’t realize I have my tongue out like it’s frozen in place. Cruiser’s eyes drop to my mouth. My stomach does a cartwheel.
“Yep,” Cruiser says, bringing his eyes to my sister. “She was kickass. And might I say, the best dancer on the team.”
My cheeks heat up. “He’s just flattering me.”
“Nope. I say it like it is.”
Rosie’s eyes widen as she stares at us. She’s not thinking…God, is Cruiser flirting with me?
I need to change the subject and fast. “Rosie, did you ask that boy from your bus to come over?”
“A boy?” Cruiser asks, his eyebrows raised in surprise. “What boy?”
“She rides a special bus to school,” I tell him, feeling relieved that this is neutral territory. “Another kid in a wheelchair rides with her. I’ve been trying to get Rosie to invite him over.”
Rosie shrugs. “I don’t want to ask him anything. He’s weird.”
“What do you mean by that?” I ask. She needs to be with people her own age. She used to be such a lively girl, and popular amongst her friends. She can be that person again, despite her handicap. She can be even more. But she just won’t give herself a chance.
She shrugs again. “I don’t know. A few weeks ago, I was eating a snack on the bus. And he was staring at me. So I asked him if he wanted some. He just spun his head away and stared out the window.”
“He’s just shy, Rosie Posie,” Cruiser says. “I bet he wants to be your friend. How about you listen to your sister and ask him to come over?”
Rosie makes a disgusted face. “No way.”
He chuckles. I stare at his chest as it moves up and down. It’s so ripped. I have no idea how much he works out. I peeked from the guestroom window once and saw him on the bench in his room. I shove the image of his bare chest away.
Someone’s foot touches mine and I jerk back. Was it Cruiser’s? My knees quake when I realize it was. Rosie can’t move her legs.
