by Dee J. Stone
Then I hear her moans in my head. I can’t take it, so I get up and go to the window. To clear my thoughts. I haven’t been able to sleep well because of Lex, but this time it’s different. I saw her face when I stepped out of her room. Yeah, she was sleeping, but she didn’t look at peace. Even in her sleep she was worried, guilty. I wish she wasn’t. I wish she’d—
What? Choose me over Rey? Why the hell would she? What am I compared to my brother? He’s the smart one, the successful one, the responsible one. If Rey was with Lex and Rosie that night, Rosie would be fine. But because little, fucking stupid me thought with his dick instead of his brain.
The only people who are worth anything to me are Rey and Lex. I’m betraying my brother by going behind his back to fool around with his girl. What kind of a brother am I? Rey trusts me, looks up to me, believes in me. He’s the only one except for Lex to have shown an ounce of respect my whole life. He’s my best and only friend. And how do I repay him?
At the same time, I don’t regret what I did. And that’s the part I’m most pissed at.
“Cruise?” a sleepy voice says. I turn around. Rey’s at the door.
“Hey, bro. What you doin’ up?”
He treks inside and sits at the edge of my bed. “Can’t sleep.”
“What’s up?”
Rey rubs his eyes and squints at me. A bright light comes from the moon. “My recital this weekend. Man, I hope I don’t screw up again. The piece I chose is a little harder and I haven’t nailed it yet. If the other guy does better than me….”
He won’t stand up to the parents, no matter how stressed or suffocated he feels. That’s one big difference between us. Does that make me the weak one because I can’t handle the pressure? Or is he the weak one because he won’t stand up for himself?
“Can always sit this one out,” I tell him. He’s got too much on his plate. All his clubs, his straight As, SAT prep, AP classes, plus his violin. It can make anyone explode. “Give yourself a break, bro. If the scout won’t choose you at this recital, there’s always the next one.”
He shakes his head stubbornly, like a little kid who won’t give up learning to ride a bike. “I’ll get it.”
His phone is in his hand. I nod toward it. “Why you got that?”
He looks down at it like he forgot it’s there. Then shakes his head like he’s embarrassed. “Just worried, I guess.”
“About?”
“Lex.”
My gut squeezes together. I shut my eyes and quickly open them. “What’s got you worried?”
“I don’t know. She’s been so…aloof. I called and texted her and she hasn’t returned any of them. Do you think…you think she wants to break up? I thought we talked and figured everything out. I’ve been squeezing in special ‘us’ time. Maybe it’s not enough? Do I need to do more? Take her out to some fancy restaurant or buy her a gift?”
Shit. I walk to the door. Raise a fist and slowly bump it to the wall. I should tell him. He deserves the truth. But what’s the point? Do I want to lose him? The best thing to do is stay as far away from Lex as possible. I miss her, like an alcoholic being sober for twenty years and then taking a sip of wine. All I needed is one kiss and I’m addicted. I need to stay sober.
“Cruise?”
I turn around. “She’s got a lot on her mind, too,” I say. We didn’t talk much when we were in her room. But I could sense all the shit she’s going through in her kisses. She’s scared and confused and worried and she just needs someone to lean on. That person can’t be me. But Rey can be. She needs him. I got to stay out of it.
Rey gets up and looks out my window. “Yeah, I know. I try to talk to her about it, but she’s so closed.” He turns around so sharply, almost frantic. “Do you think she doesn’t trust me?”
Damn, I wish I could leave. Can’t stand any of this. “You need to be open with her. Listen to what she needs. Be there for her. Okay?”
He looks relieved. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, Cruise.”
“No problem. Now get some sleep.”
He nods and leaves my room. I close the door after him and punch a wall. Rey and I never lie to each other, at least I try not to. I hate having to keep this from him. I hate that I have something to keep from him. I wish it would all go away. Wish everything would all go away. The heartache, the accident, my feelings for her.
How the hell am I going to live like this?
Maybe it was a mistake coming home. Maybe I should pack my bags. Catch the next flight to New York. Dani told me Lex was fine before I showed up. Living life happily again. Then I came and ruined everything.
I punch the wall again. I shouldn’t have come back.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lex
Standing at my locker the next morning, I rummage inside for nothing really. I don’t want to turn around, because then I’ll have to face Cruiser. He’s standing at his locker, staring inside. He’s been doing that for the past five minutes. But I don’t want to go to class, because deep down a part of me wishes he’d come over and talk to me.
I bang my head on my locker door. Something is seriously wrong with me.
I avoided Rey this morning and caught a ride with Dani. But sooner or later I’ll have to face him and break his heart. I was awake all night crying, because I know he’ll be so hurt. I wish I didn’t have to put an end to us.
If only Cruiser hadn’t returned. Except, a part of me is glad he did. I cover my face and force the tears back.
“Lex?”
I lower my hands and turn around. Rey’s standing before me, his brow creased with worry and hesitation. I peek at Cruiser and find that his position has changed. I could only see his backside before, but now he’s leaning against the lockers and I have a clear view of him. His gaze is on me, but he looks away the second our eyes meet.
“You didn’t return my texts,” Rey says, reaching a hand to my face. “I was worried.”
Tears threaten to burst out of my eyes as his hand caresses my cheek. Before I could pull away, he digs his hand into his school bag and plucks out a stuffed toy shark. “Congrats on winning first.”
The guilt devours every cell in my body. I force a smile onto my lips, thankful my tears haven’t erupted. “Thanks.”
He dabs the shark’s opened mouth on my nose with a teasing smile. “I’m going to eat this cute, little nose,” he says in a squeaky voice. Then he bends forward to peck my nose. I step aside and his eyes fill with hurt. “Um…” He rubs the back of his head. “Are you gonna come to my recital this Sunday?” he asks, clearly changing the subject.
Crap. It’s this Sunday? My eyes search his and I see the stress and anxiety the recital’s causing him. The stress I’m causing. If I break up with him, will that make him fail? I can’t bear the thought.
But it’ll hurt him more if I stay with him while having thoughts and fantasies about Cruiser. I can’t do that to him.
I glance around. The hallway is filled with students. Now’s not the right time. “Can you come over after school?” I ask. “I need to…I need to talk to you about something.” The tears are now clouding my eyes and I can’t see well.
Rey rests a hand on my arm. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and blink, letting the tears roll down. “Just come over?”
His forehead creases with worry. “Okay.” He rubs the back of his head again. “Hey, I was thinking last night how after my recital, I’m going to have a big surprise for you. To make up for being such a lousy boyfriend.”
Why’s he doing this? More tears pour down my face, and his eyes widen in alarm. “Lex? What’s wrong?”
I quickly shake my head as he blots my eyes with his thumbs. “Nothing…just stupid girl stuff. I’ve got to go.” I close my locker and run into the bathroom, escaping into a stall. I drop down on the toilet and cover my eyes.
I can’t do this to him. I can’t hurt him.
But I need to. I don’t want to be a cheating girlfriend. He deserves to be with someo
ne who loves him and appreciates him, and who will never ever cheat on him. He’s a great guy and he needs a great girl. Not me.
I open the door to the stall and come face to face with Dani, who’s at the sinks playing with her dyed hair. When she sees my face, she says, “You okay?”
“No.” I turn on the faucet and splash water onto my face. “It hurts.” I grab a paper towel.
“What does?”
“Knowing I have to break up with Rey. I wish…” I bury my face in the towel and add my tears to it. “I wish I didn’t have to. I wish…I don’t know.”
Dani rests her hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to break up. Just promise yourself you’ll never cheat again, and stay far, far away from Cruiser.”
I continue to cry into the paper towel. “How can I love them both?”
“They’ve been your best friends all your life.”
I lower the towel and lean toward the mirror, studying my face. I need to figure this out, to make sense of all of it. I shouldn’t be with any guy, not until I know what I want. The best thing is to be single so I could explore my emotions. A clean break from both of them.
When I tell this to Dani, she nods. “That’s a good idea. I hope Rey takes it well.”
I shake my head. “I know he won’t, but it’s the right thing to do.”
I leave the bathroom and head to my locker to get my Spanish textbook. I scan the area, but don’t find Rey. He must have left to class. Just as I close my locker, I smell familiar cologne, and my knees crash into one another.
“Hey, we need to talk.”
I’m frozen like a Popsicle stick. Why’s he doing this to me now? I wiggle my toes to get some movement in my feet, then slowly turn around to face him. I shut my eyes for a second. He’s so…he’s so Cruiser. I can’t look into his face.
He presses his thumb and index finger under my chin and lifts my face until my eyes meet his. “You okay? Look, I know we’re both pretty messed up about what happened. I think we need to talk.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to talk. I want to cut off all ties with him and his brother so I can stop hurting the people I care about.
Except, I also want to spend every second catching up with him—and I don’t mean making out. I want to continue from where we left off, from before the accident.
But we can never pick up from there. So much has changed.
Cruiser touches my elbow. “Lex.”
I jerk away. “I’m sorry, I need to get to class.”
He leans closer, trapping me against my locker. I can’t escape. “I’m ditching third period,” he whispers, his breath tickling my ear. I tighten my arms around my Spanish textbook clutched to my chest. I need to feel something other than the hammering of my heart. “Come meet me?” His voice is as sweet as honey.
I stare into his deep, brown eyes. “I can’t, Cruiser.”
His eyes search mine. “Please?” He raises his index finger and runs it across my cheek, sending shivers down my spine. “Just to talk. I promise.”
My mind is telling me not to. I need to cut off ties with him if I’m going to figure out what’s best for me. But my heart is yearning to spend every second with him.
He presses his forehead to mine. “Please, T. Rex.”
Just to talk. What can that hurt? I look into his eyes. “I’ll meet you,” I whisper.
His face washes with relief. He presses his forehead to mine again, and that alone makes me want to gather him in my arms and beg him to tell me every single detail that lies in his heart. “The back exit at ten o’clock.” He brings his hand up, as if to stroke my hair. But he drops it to his side and walks away.
I squeeze my hand on my chest to calm my shuddering heart. The last time I ditched class was two years ago when Cruiser convinced me to come with him to watch a concert on the beach. That was probably the last time I had some real fun. I haven’t ditched a single class since then.
Doing it today with Cruiser sends alarm bells ringing. But I choose to ignore them.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Cruiser
She’s a no-show. Yeah, it was too good to be true. I climb onto my bike and pop on my helmet. Am about to rev the engine when something purple and black catches my attention.
Lex.
She’s got her bag hanging on her shoulder and her denim jacket draped over her arm. She keeps looking back like the VP’s gonna catch her sneaking out. I wave at her and she rushes to me, cheeks pink and eyes anxious.
“Hey,” I say.
She looks around again. “I…I’ve never done this before. I mean since…”
I wonder if she’s remembering the time I got her to come watch a concert on the beach. I don’t remember the band’s name, and I wasn’t even into them back then. Just wanted an excuse to skip school with Lex. I was doing it all along, but Lex was too much of a goody-goody. I finally convinced her and we had a great time. I bought her a hot dog and an ice cream cone and we sat down on the beach after the concert, just watching the waves. Was very peaceful. We didn’t need to talk—it was enough just to be with each other. At the end of the day, she kissed my cheek.
Lex is still standing in front of my bike. I pull off my helmet and hand it to her. She stares at it, then brings her eyes to me. “What are we doing?”
“I was thinking of heading to the beach. That’s the best place to talk, I think.”
She nods slowly. “Okay.” She lifts the helmet and pulls it over her head. “You don’t have a spare?” she asks.
Yeah, of course I do, but I didn’t think to bring it to school today. It’s not like I had this little adventure planned. It kind of hit me as I watched her talking to Rey. I didn’t want things to just end between us. I need this girl in my life. So we’re going to come up with some sort of plan. I can’t take her ignoring me.
“It’ll get cold as we ride, so wear your jacket,” I tell her.
She puts it on and takes a hesitant step closer. My gut does a flip. I’ve always dreamed of Lex riding on the back of my bike. Never thought the day would actually come.
“Just make sure your bag’s on tight and I’ll help you up.” Which involves touching her hand. Our lips touched last night, but our hands didn’t. The thought of touching her hand turns me on.
She loops the other strap of her bag through her second arm and walks up to the bike. I hold out my hand. She looks at it, and then slowly slides hers toward mine. Feels like it’s moving in slow motion. I bet I can count to a hundred and her skin won’t touch mine. Finally, I feel it. So soft. So smooth. Like silk. A hot feeling runs from our locked hands all the way up my arm, down my shoulder, to my chest, and into my heart. It jolts me, and I pull her forward, onto the bike. “Comfortable?” I ask.
“Yes.”
All I got to do is remember to breathe. “Okay, hold on tight.”
She doesn’t move. I’m tempted to turn around to see if she disappeared into a cloud of smoke. But I know she’s still there. That smell, remember? I’m breathing it in like it’s my oxygen. When this is all done, my bike will smell like her and I’ll never wash it, or take it out in the rain. Just so I can keep her smell.
Her hand comes around me, hesitant. Her right hand only. It’s so gentle it might as well not be there. Then her left hand comes, this one clutching me more tightly. My insides sear with fire. I gulp in a few deep breaths. Keep calm, keep calm. The last thing I want is to get into an accident. Got to get used to her hands on me.
I clear my throat. “You’re gonna have to hold a little tighter than that, darlin’.”
She lets out a breath. I feel it on my hair. Makes me want to do a one-eighty and kiss her. But I keep still. She shifts closer to my body and squeezes her hands around my chest. Geez. I don’t know if I can handle riding like this.
I kick into gear and zoom off. Lex’s hands tighten even more, and they slide higher up my chest. For a second, I lose my bearings and make a sharp turn to the left, almost knocking into a SUV. It only makes
Lex’s arms hold even tighter. Fuck, I feel her. She’s got her chest pressed into my back. This was a bad idea.
When we come up to a red light, I expect Lex’s hold to loosen. But it doesn’t. Gives me time to enjoy her close proximity, to savor the moment because I’m pretty sure it won’t happen again. I don’t know what solution we’ll come to this afternoon, but I know I won’t like it. Life’s not fair.
“You okay?” I ask over my shoulder.
Her response is another squeeze. Focus, Cruiser.
The light turns green and I speed up. My ride to the beach usually takes shorter than this. I’m not going a different route this time. Just feels different because I’m relishing every damn second. At the next red light, I say, “Ain’t nothing to be afraid of, Lex. Pick up your head and enjoy the view. You’ll love it.”
When we’re moving again, she raises her head. We’re almost at the beach now, so it’s very windy. Lex’s hands squeeze so hard she’s hurting me. I don’t say anything, though, because I like the feeling. And because I’d rather her squeeze me to death than let her be road kill.
I slow down in the parking lot and cut the engine. I thought Lex would jump off my bike as soon as she got the chance, but she just sits there. I don’t want to get off first, because when I do, the moment will be lost forever. Does Lex feel the same?
Finally, she moves behind me and climbs down, pulling off the helmet. I watch her hair tumble out. That’s got to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. It always turns me on when a girl pulls off her helmet and her hair rolls out. Seeing Lex do it…geez, I’m about to have a heart attack.
I cough to snap out of it and take the helmet from her. “How was the ride?”
A small smile reaches her lips. “Fun.”
Didn’t realize I was hanging on to her every word. She loved the ride. Wish I could give her more in the future.
I get off the bike. “Let’s head into the beach. You want a drink or a hot dog?”
