“I don’t know who I’ve become these past three years,” I said. “But I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”
Still they remained quiet. Dragging it all out of me with their unspoken sympathy, understanding, and—hopefully—acceptance.
Dakota might be a different story.
My heart hammered in my chest. “Can you forgive me?”
“On one condition.” Ella folded her arms across her chest, like a disappointed parent scolding her child. “We’re allowed to ask you questions and make you talk about stuff. We care about you. You shouldn’t have to hold all of that in.”
“Ella!” Avery said, laughing.
“No, that’s fair. Absolutely,” I said. “It’s a deal.”
“We’ll have more girl time later,” Avery said. “Now go have fun with that gorgeous guy waiting on you.”
I nodded and turned back to Kai.
When I neared him, he reached out his hand. “Grab it. I don’t want to lose you.”
As soon as I gripped his fingers, I could breathe again.
He was my anchor, my respite, my North Star.
I don’t want to lose you either, Kai.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Kai
As we trudged to down the grassy slope, the rain began to fall in heavy layers, so we darted beneath the cover of the pavilion. We looked up the hill to try to spot our friends but couldn’t make anything out through the mayhem of people sprinting to their cars. Of course, plenty of people had remained to splash around in the rain and watch the show’s headlining band.
The Black Tresses’s first note sounded as we made our way to our seats. We seemed to be a million miles away from our blankets on the lawn, and I was thrilled that Rachel had accompanied me to watch my favorite band play.
Our clothes were drenched, our hair dripping wet, our eyelashes glued together. We found the fifth row and I was practically elbowed in the face and kneed in the balls while getting to our primo spots. We were practically close enough to touch the band, and I could feel the frenetic energy of this crowd as they yelled and swayed to the music. We remained standing at our seats, because everyone around us was up and moving like a tightly wound live wire.
Eyes glued to the stage, I leaned toward Rachel. “You okay?”
She smiled and nodded, hovering close to me since the people on either side of us were attempting to dance on their chairs.
I recognized the band’s first couple of numbers and reveled in seeing them perform live. The bass player was one of the best I’d heard, and his upright, which looked hand-carved, with an ebony fingerboard, was fucking sweet. Rachel held up her phone with a text from Dakota that our friends had piled in the rental van and were heading home.
I felt guilty that Shane and Dakota would have to squeeze into those seats to fit, but also thankful that I had driven separately, so I could enjoy the entire show. Even still, I leaned down and asked, “Do you want to take off, too?”
“Hell no,” she said and then lifted her phone to snap a selfie of the two of us. I felt like I resembled a drowned rat, but Rachel looked gorgeous with her brown hair plastered to her forehead and her green eyes beaming at the lens. She also took a few shots of the band, which she promised to text me later.
By the middle of the set, I noticed that Rachel was shivering beside me. I slid over and wrapped my arms tightly around her, hoping to keep her warm. She immediately relaxed against my chest, so I knew I’d made the right decision.
It felt like we were in our own little sanctuary—surrounded on all sides by people we didn’t know, and, fuck, I wanted to savor it. The privacy and the freedom to be out in the open with her. Nobody questioning anything. Questioning us.
Overcome with emotion, I leaned forward to kiss Rachel’s hair, at the exact location of her scar. I hadn’t even thought it through—it just felt natural. She looked up at me, eyes wide and lips quivering, as if I’d done something so private, personal, secret.
Then she cast a quick glance over my shoulder, and at the crowd, as if we’d been caught being close. Intimate. The moment she realized that we were anonymous, the corners of her lips tugged into a gorgeous and playful grin.
I planted a soft kiss on her shoulder and then my fingers traced her chin before slipping down her throat. I brushed aside her hair to feather my lips along her hairline. She trembled and tucked her head against my neck.
My fingers traveled down her arm to the soft sliver of skin above her shorts and I tugged her more firmly against me. I was sure she could feel how aroused she made me, but I didn’t give a shit. It felt too damn good—too damn right—having her so close.
It was amazing how responsive she was to me. Her breaths escaped from her lips in shuddery whispers, and her nipples pebbled beneath her shirt. I could hear—or rather feel—her low moans, despite the chaos of the crowd and the noise of the band.
She swung her ass across my crotch, and it was so seductive, my breath scattered in gusts of wind against her hair. If anyone had been watching, they might have assumed we were simply swaying to the music, when in fact I had the impulse to lay her down on the grass and strip her naked. Feel her soft skin and bury myself deep inside her.
She placed her warm hand over mine, urging my fingers beneath her shirt. My palm crept upward, slipping over her moist flesh, and enclosing her breast. Skimming beneath the lace of her bra, my thumb traced circles around her nipple, as she whimpered and arched her back.
I groaned into her neck and then trailed the tip of my tongue to her ear. “I fucking want you so bad.”
Her eyes wilted to half-mast upon hearing those words. Twisting her head, she kissed the hollow of my throat, her lips like a suction cup against my damp skin.
She clutched my shoulder and tilted her face, her mouth moving closer to mine. My tongue flitted out, outlining her lips, and her eyes darkened with need. Our breath mingled and our lips brushed as we stole the smallest of kisses. Kisses that did nothing to quench my craving for her.
Her mouth found my ear. “I want you, too . . . so much.”
I could barely focus on the music because her fingers were in my hair, and her other hand had slid up my shirt to tug lightly on my nipple ring. My knee was resting between her legs, and my dick was pulsing so goddamn hard against her back.
I looked into the deep pools of her eyes and saw something there.
It was more than desire. It was more like a promise of things to come.
I sealed my mouth over hers and our tongues darted out to taste each other. She spun in my arms and wove her hands around my neck. I deepened the kiss and pulled her body flush against mine, keeping in mind that we were in a public place.
We stayed close throughout the rest of the set—stealing kissing and touches and secret glances against the backdrop of my favorite music, not giving two shits if anybody was observing us.
I watched her expression as the lights from the set illuminated her features, and I saw how lost she was in the moment. She was as engrossed as I was, and it felt like something had shifted between us. I wasn’t ready to name it, nor did I want to. I just wanted to feel it, experience it, live it tonight—with this girl who meant the world to me.
After an impressive fireworks display as the grand finale, we weaved our way through the crowd, fingers interlaced, never once considering letting go. I was positively drunk on Rachel, and given her furtive glances my way, she seemed equally as intoxicated. Call it longing or passion or lust—I didn’t know which.
Her hair had begun to dry, and it fell in soft waves at the top of her neck. She looked sexy as hell. Even the black eye makeup that had crept beneath her eyes made her look like a seductive vixen. Her thumb was rubbing circles against my palm, and, God, I wanted her more than ever right then. If only we could head somewhere private, where I’d have her to myself all night.
She tripped over a puddle, getting our shoes even muddier, and we laughed about the state of our clothes.
All of a sudden
we heard a low voice behind us. “Rachel.”
We turned to see Miles behind us and an audible gasp fell from Rachel’s lips. Miles looked from Rachel’s face down to our entwined hands, and just like that, our secret bubble of happiness was ruined.
His eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Are you two . . . ?”
I dropped her hand and felt frustration well up in my chest.
“Of course not,” I said, leaving out the words asswipe. “I’m just looking out for her, like a good friend would.”
There was deeper meaning in those words, and Miles understood it immediately. He flinched as if I’d slapped him.
“Okay, dude, no harm,” he said, holding up his hands as if in surrender. “You’ve always been a great friend to Rachel.”
Rachel snapped out of her surprise and seemed to finally find her voice as her eyes warily scanned the crowd. “So . . . who are you here with?”
She was afraid that someone else had seen us, and now my gaze searched the area as well.
And that’s when I saw her, the same blond from the casino standing between two parked cars off to the side. Shit. Just what Rachel needed tonight.
I noticed how Rachel squared her shoulders and waited on Miles’s response. Miles turned and stepped a couple of feet forward, awkwardly grabbing for the blond’s hand. “I want to introduce you to someone, babe.”
The blond stepped into his embrace, and he wound a secure arm around her shoulder. She had trouble meeting Rachel’s eyes. “This is my . . . girlfriend, Melanie.”
My eyes shot to Rachel, wondering if she’d need me to have her back, but she stood strong and resolute. And then she stretched out her hand. “Melanie, nice to meet you. I’m Rachel.”
Melanie’s face brightened in relief. After all, she knew who Rachel was and what a fuck up Miles had been. “You, too.”
For the first time in ever, I felt a bit of admiration for Miles. At least he had the balls to admit he’d made a mistake. To try to move past what an idiot he’d been.
I’d been a dumbass all these years, as well.
We all fuck up in some way or another. The point was to own up to it and move on. And I could tell that was what Miles had been trying to do.
“Hi, Melanie. I’m Kai.” I moved closer to Rachel and placed my fingers at the small of her back, no longer caring what Miles thought. “Did you guys enjoy the show?”
Miles’s face broke out into a grin. It was probably the first time we’d ever shared sincere pleasantries with each other. “Yeah, it was cool. But now we’re beat and headed home.”
“We are, too,” Rachel said, and then turned as if to continue walking to my car. Like she didn’t want to stay another moment to make small talk with her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. And I didn’t blame her.
With a small wave she said, “Drive safe, Miles.”
She and Miles shared one last lingering gaze. Almost like a normal good-bye between friends.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Kai
Rachel laced her arm through mine and said, “So, where were we?”
She seemed lighter somehow. As if seeing Miles had been a good thing, after all.
She smiled and tugged me along through the puddles. The hike to our car looked like it went on for miles, and the parking lot was filled with mud and potholes. I offered her a ride on my back. and we jog-walked the rest of the way to the virtually empty auxiliary section.
As we neared the car, I felt her lips skim across the back of my neck, setting my nerve endings on fire. Letting out a growl, I swung her around into my arms, and then pinned her against the passenger door. My forehead rested again hers and I stared into her eyes for minutes, hours, days before nipping at her bottom lip.
“Kai.” She sighed and then tugged my head toward her until our lips met. Her mouth was warm and wet, and when the tip of her tongue flitted out to meet mine, I felt a spark of electricity.
I flattened my body against hers and practically devoured her lips. We were making out like horny teenagers, out in the open, in a wide expanse of space, and it felt so damn good.
As if we were unrestricted. I was free to show her how much I wanted her. And she was free to return the favor. Even though this was just physical for her. Even though our time was limited. I’d take it. If only to experience this sort of exquisite moment.
She broke away to catch her breath. “The way you kiss me . . . you . . . you turn me on so much.”
“Tell me about it,” I mumbled. I kissed her neck and then ground my hips into hers. “Can’t you tell how insane you make me?”
“Yes.” Her breath was a hard gust against my hair. “And I love it.”
I looked into her eyes and saw moments of clarity there. Like she was working through some kinds of feelings. I was afraid she was thinking too hard about what we were doing and would decide to pull away. And I wasn’t prepared for that yet.
“We better get out of here before I eat you up—right here in public,” I said, allowing my gaze to slide down her body. “I’d let the world see how good you taste.”
Her breath caught. “Damn, Kai, the way you talk to me.”
I kissed her ear. “I thought you liked how I talk to you.”
“I do, but”—she spoke into my shoulder—“it . . . it makes me want to get lost in you . . . all the time now.”
I was too afraid to look at her. Terrified she’d see the potent, visceral emotion in my eyes.
I wanted her to get lost in me . . . forever.
“Isn’t that what this is about—getting lost in each other?” My words came out strangled. My heart was in my throat. “Forgetting about the outside world?”
She pulled back suddenly and stared at me. Really looked at me. Her eyes were filled with confusion and even some regret.
Had I said the wrong thing? Didn’t she want reassurance that what we’d been doing was okay? That it was only temporary?
Fuck, even I didn’t know anymore what this had become between us.
I opened my mouth to speak, but her features had transformed into something unreadable. She seemed to be struggling to smile.
“Yeah.” She nodded and the moment felt lost on the wind. “That’s exactly what this is.”
“Rach . . .” I said, trying to find the words.
“Let’s get going,” she said, straightening herself and reaching for the handle of the door.
My shoulders slumped as I slid into the driver’s seat. Rachel stared out the side window, rubbing her temples. My stomach was in knots. I felt as if I was already losing her.
“Hey,” I said, reaching for her hand. She didn’t resist. “You okay?”
“Totally.” She took a deep breath and then turned toward me. “Just horny as hell, Kai. Because you make me . . .”
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, my brain spinning, trying to make sense of the change in her. “Make you what?”
“Make me . . . forget that what we’re doing is off-limits,” she huffed out. “If Dakota was here, we could never stand so close or . . . or touch like that.”
“Do you not want to do this anymore?” My heart was crashing out of my chest. Maybe this was it. This is where we’d end, after an amazing day together. “Are you done . . . pretending?”
I was asking her two things at once. I was ragged with the effort of holding it all in. Everything I was feeling for her. I knew what we were doing was confusing as hell—for both of us—because of who we had been to each other.
Sometimes she seemed to be on the verge of having stronger emotions for me, something more than just lust, but then her eyes would clear, and I’d wonder if all of this blurring of lines was just fucking with my head.
“Pretending,” she whispered, as if testing out the word. She stared straight ahead at the streetlamp, which was illuminating her face. Her eyes looked sad, weary—and I didn’t want to be the one who’d put such a drain on her.
I wanted to be her light, her release, her salvation
.
I probably needed to end it all right here. Right now. But I was too weak. I wanted her too much.
Then she turned and offered the slightest shake of her head. “The end of the summer is coming soon enough.”
And there it was. She was laying it out. Setting the parameters for what this was between us.
I nodded, feeling completely numb. My brain was having trouble keeping up. One the one hand, I was already grieving. On the other, I was on a high from being given the additional time to touch her.
I swallowed the boulder lodged in my throat. My heart was dying, practically on its last leg, and I didn’t know if it would make it until the end of summer and beyond.
But I had created this situation, the one that now resembled a shallow grave. And I was going to lie in it, whether I liked it or not.
“These last few weeks have been great,” she said. She was still grasping my hand. My palm felt clammy and cold. The finality that hung in the air between us was so thick I was almost choking on it. It was filled with unspoken things. And it had never been this way between us. We had always been more open and real.
But a deeper part of me was certain that we had wrecked all of that this summer and I had no earthly idea if there was any way back to the people we once were. Or if I would even welcome it.
“Mostly because of you. Talking to you,” she said, finally releasing my fingers and folding her hands in her lap. “You’ve made me braver. Better, Kai.”
“You’re way braver than I ever was, Turtle,” I said, trying to get back there. To that place where we were on the same page. Friends. Confidants.
Lovers.
Fuck.
I turned the key to start the ignition. I had the strong urge to vacate this place. Leave these heavy feelings behind. Get on the open road and just drive.
All at once her warm hand was on my leg. “And I need to think of a way to thank you.”
Whisper to Me Page 18
