“Quinn?” I heard Him whisper. “Are you asleep already?”
I lied there with my back to Him and continued the pretense. I felt Him slide the straps of my heels from my ankles and free my feet from the agony of the night. Then He gently placed the throw blanket from the end of the bed over my body and kissed me sweetly on my temple. “Good night, Sweetheart. Happy Birthday,” He whispered delicately in my ear. The vacant person that I talked to downstairs only hours ago was gone, and the sweet, gentle person that I fell in love with had returned.
I felt like complete and total shit.
The ride back to Texas was uncomfortable to say the least. I was hung over and exhausted, and although no one else knew about my conversation with Judd, I did. I couldn’t shake the guilt that was twisting my stomach into knots. I knew I hadn’t done anything truly wrong, but I also knew that the feelings inside of me were. I spent the six-hour drive back to my parents’ house gazing at the man beside me. My best friend. My boyfriend. He looked so peaceful and content; meanwhile, I was emotionally wrecked and completely unsure of everything I thought I was certain about.
My mind wandered and replayed and reviewed my life over the past few years. College wasn’t anything like it was in the movies or on T.V; it wasn’t all frat parties and kegs. It was messy and complicated and full of choices. Choices that I was in no way prepared to make.
I decided to stay at my mom and dad’s that night after He dropped me off instead of returning to my own crappy apartment. My mind was so conflicted and the only foreseeable solution was to turn to my mother for help. She was always candid and honest and I was hoping that more than anything she would just tell me what to do.
“Quinn, I’m not going to tell you what to do, honey. This is your life and only you know what’s best for you.” Great, a lot of help you are, I thought, as I sat on the couch across from my mom. I told her all about Judd. Every last detail and hoped she wouldn’t mind my candor. My mom wasn’t naïve, she knew that we (my sisters and I) had sex, but we didn’t usually talk about it this openly, but I felt like there was no way that she could truly help me unless she knew it all: The MOS, Our Night, Whiskey Sours…everything. Then I told her about us. Me and Him. The Non-date, News Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Friday night at the casino and everything in between. I reread the text message conversation between Judd and I back for her and then begged her to tell me what to do.
“But Mom, I need you to. I need to you tell me if I should meet up with him like he asked. I need you to tell me what to do!” I pled once more. “I am just so confused, and I hate feeling like this. I feel dirty and guilty. I feel like I’m cheating.”
“Quinn,” she started slowly, using her most soothing tone that I had grown to miss once I moved away. “The only person you are cheating here is yourself, unless you do exactly what your heart truly wants you do to. I know you say you are confused, honey, but deep down, you know what choice you have to make.”
“But what if I love them both? And what if I choose Judd and he doesn’t love me back, or what if I don’t choose Judd and stay right where I am: In an amazing relationship with my best friend, who I know loves me whole heartedly, but then I end up regretting it? And what if I don’t regret it?”
We sat in silence for a moment while she came up with her response. She scooted closer to me on the couch and tilted my head until it rested on her shoulder as her hands gracefully stroked my hair. “I’ve been with your father for twenty-nine years, and in those twenty-nine years, I have never once doubted that I made the right choice in choosing him to be my husband and the father of the three most beautiful and amazing girls in the world.”
“OK, so you never had to choose between two men, and everything worked out perfectly for you. How is this helping me?” I asked.
She giggled a bit and then turned my chin to look directly into my eyes. “The point I’m making here, Sweetie, is that you should choose the one that you know you have absolutely no doubts about. It should feel natural. Love should never feel forced.”
Is that what June meant when she said, “don’t force it?” Did my whole family think that I was forcing my relationship with Him just so that I could feel loved? How pathetic do they think I am?
May 1, 2011
The next morning I headed back to my crappy apartment, with my decision waiting inside of me like a loaded gun about to go off at any moment.
I want to meet up.
Great! Is tomorrow good for you?
Tomorrow is fine. Time?
How’s 8:00, at Big Joe’s?
Can you just come to my apt? I’d rather we meet somewhere less crowded where we can actually talk.
Umm, ok, if that’s what you want. See you tom. night.
Ok, see you.
And Quinn, I’m looking forward to it.
May 2, 2011
I woke up around six-thirty AM after tossing and turning all night. Sleep never really did find me, so I figured I might as well get out of bed and get that day over with. I was nervous about seeing Judd again after so long, but even more nervous about the conversation we would later have. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and had it all planned out in my head. I was prepared for however he was going to take what I had to say and I tried as best as I could to prepare for his response.
Once I took a shower, ate a bowl of cereal and did a load of laundry it was around 8:30 AM. I could hear my phone ringing from the kitchen so I ran into my bedroom to answer.
“Good morning, Sweetheart. I didn’t know if you’d be awake this early or not.”
“Good morning. I’ve been up for a couple of hours now. I couldn’t sleep for some reason,” I lied. I knew the reason, but I could not tell Him that my sleep deprivation was caused by the anxious anticipation of my meeting with Judd that evening. “Why are you up so early? I thought you didn’t have class until the afternoon on Mondays?
“I don’t, but I couldn’t sleep either. I was up all night thinking about you,” He said. I could hear the slight teasing of a smile on His lips, while mine immediately dipped into a frown. Why did He have to go and say something sweet? Not today, not when I already feel like a monster for lying about my plans tonight.
I forced a slight laugh. “Well, I apologize for being such a nuisance.”
“No apologies necessary. If there’s anything I want keeping me up at night, it’s thoughts about you. And not-so-innocent thoughts at that,” He laughed. “Besides, you can make it up to me later.”
I could really here the smile in His words then. He was teasing me and joking about sex, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. “I have a class in thirty minutes and I have to get ready; I’ll call you later, ok?”
“Oh, ummm, ok,” He answered. I could tell that He was disappointed in my lack of participation in dirty talk with Him. “Call me later, then, Sweetheart. I love you.”
“Love you, too.” Click.
My classes drug on and on, and I was certain that I hadn’t actually learned anything. I just kept picturing how the night was going to go in my mind. I even had Judd’s clothes picked out; right down to his shoes.
My lab partner in Physics was doing all of the work and I could tell he was giving me the evil eye beside me. I was absolute shit when it came to Physics, but normally I at least pretended to help. Not that day, though. I couldn’t concentrate on things like velocity and motion, or whether or not the elasticity of a balloon would react to a change in momentum, or whatever it was that we were doing, when so many other things consumed my every thought. I could hear his mumbled cussing of me under his breath, but I choose to ignore it and wait out the hour that was ticking by slowly in my last class of the day.
Once the lab finally ended at 5:30, I drove back to my crappy apartment, put away the laundry from the dryer and then got ready for my talk with Judd. I sat in my tiny, crappy closet for what felt like days trying to decide what to wear. We weren’t going anywhere so I knew I didn’t need to get dressed up, but I also really wa
nted to look good. I finally chose a pair of light, distressed denim capris and a tight fitted, pink and white striped, v-neck tee. Casual, but flattering. I left my hair down in loose curls, reapplied mascara and lip gloss, and then went to the couch in the living room to wait for his arrival.
When he knocked on my door at 7:50, it felt as if my heart were going to leap right from my chest. I took two deep breaths before turning the knob to answer. The deep breaths did not help. As soon as I pulled the door far enough open to see him, my breath caught in my throat, my chest heaved shakily, and butterflies swarmed my core.
He looked better than I could have conjured in my mind. Better than I remembered. His skin was darker, probably from countless practices and games under the hot Texas sun, and his shirt seemed to be struggling even more against the muscles of his chest and arms. It was the gray one. The one from the first night in Our Hallway and the one that I pictured in my mind while daydreaming in class. His jeans were light and he had on the same pair of worn in brown boots. And then there was the smile. His perfect, shiver-inducing smile; waiting for me to do or say something.
“Hey, umm, are you going to let me in or do you want to talk from opposite sides of the threshold?”
His voice snapped me from my admiring stare. “Oh, right. Yes. Come in.” My words were coming out in choppy breaths and I could only hope that he couldn’t sense how nervous I was.
“Is Quinn Lizabeth Borders nervous?” He asked in a tone dripping with his signature charm and sarcasm.
Shit. He noticed. “Nervous about what? No, I’m not nervous. Sit,” I said, gesturing towards the couch.
He sat down on the shiny black leather, not quite in the middle, but not on the edge either. Since seating was limited in my tiny apartment, I was forced to sit closer to him than expected. I folded my right leg nonchalantly beneath me on the cushion beside him, while the left dangled towards the floor. Being this close to him again made heat spread quickly through my entire body. I knew that my cheeks were flushed, and my palms began to dampen.
“You look good, QLB,” he interrupted the silence.
“Thanks. Nice shirt,” I replied.
He looked down at his shirt with cool, unwavering eyes as if he hadn’t intentionally worn the same shirt from the night of our first kiss and from the night we slept together. “Oh, you like it? It’s an old one, but a favorite.”Just as I looked up to meet his eyes….he winked. He cannot do things like that. He cannot smile. He cannot act all cool as a cucumber, and he definitely cannot wink! Or I’m never going to get out what needs to be said.
“So how was your birthday celebration? Glad to finally be twenty-one?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess. Not much has changed. I never did have a problem getting alcohol, so I don’t really see what the big deal is.”
“Well now you are actually legal to drink, and if you do ever have a run-in with the law, you won’t get a ticket for underage drinking,” Judd replied in a very parental tone.
“Ha! Me? Ticket? I don’t think so. You’re talking to the queen of getting out of tickets,” I said cockily.
“A speeding ticket and a Minor in Possession of alcohol are two very different things, Missy,” he scolded through a smile. “I don’t think you would have been able to hike up the skirt and turn on the water works to get out of one of those. You should thank your lucky stars that you never got caught.”
“Yeah, yeah, I got lucky. Anyways, you didn’t come over here to lecture me about underage drinking did you?” I wanted badly to just get on with what really needed to be discussed.
“No, I guess I didn’t. Where would you like to start?” he asked; giving me full reign of the direction in conversation.
I wanted to start off simple. Casual. “So, you excited about graduating next month?” Judd was the same age as Fool and the other Neighbors, and they would all be finished with school in less than four weeks. Although we hadn’t hung out in a long while, I was really going to miss those guys. They were like a second family to me when I first transferred in.
“I am, very.” I could tell he wasn’t really in the mood for small-talk, but he continued. “I’ve been asked to play for a Double A team up in North Texas, The Frisco Roughriders. They are affiliated with the Rangers, so hopefully I’ll get to stay in Texas to play ball in the majors. If I make it to the majors.”
“Wow, Judd! That’s great!” I truly meant it. I knew how much baseball meant to him and how big of an opportunity this was. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” he replied sincerely. “But, you didn’t ask to me meet me here to talk about baseball or graduation either. Why don’t you start with why I am really here.”
My face flushed with heat. There were so many things that I needed to get off my chest, that I needed explained and resolved, and I wasn’t even sure where to begin. “Okay,” I began shakily, “why don’t we start with what happened between you and what’s-her-face.”
“Erica. Her name is Erica. But you knew that already. And I’m sure Miss Gossip University has already told you about the night we broke up, and how the fight started to begin with. Yes, she found your, ummm, souvenir, that you left me, but no, that’s not why we broke up. Like I said, I broke up with her.”
“Why though? I thought you really liked her. Y’all were together for a while, and I just assumed that any girl that could get Judd Walker Vaughn to actually commit was going to be the one or something.”
“Are you insinuating that I’m a man-whore?” He asked with feigned dejection.
“I would have used the word, player, but are you insinuating that you’re not?”
“I was a guy in college just testing my options until the right choice came along, and as it turns out, that choice wasn’t Erica.” I tried to cut in but he continued. “Besides, how would you know if I was the commitment type, you never stuck around long enough to find out?”
I had no idea how to respond. Is he saying that he would have committed to me? That I wasn’t just another “test of options”? Then why didn’t he ever act like that’s what he wanted? “I didn’t stick around because it never really seemed like that’s what you wanted. I didn’t want you to think that because I spent one night with you that I thought we were all of a sudden going to run off and get married.”
“It was a little more than just one night, Quinn. Yes, we may have only slept together once, but it was so much more than that. Wasn’t it?” He didn’t let me answer. “You and I had something. I may have been too stupid to notice at the time, but we have something electric and exciting and I’ve never had that with anyone else.” Did he just say have something…as in currently?
“Just being near you drove me crazy, but in the best possible way. And it still does.” He moved in closer until his leg brushed up against mine. I held completely still, shocked by the current that his touch sent through me. “I couldn’t be with Erica, because she wasn’t the right choice. We didn’t have the same electricity that I feel with you. That first night in Our Hallway, when I told you I had butterflies: I didn’t even know that those really existed. I thought that they were just something some sappy romance novelist made up to make women want to keep reading. But they were real, Quinn. They are real. I feel them again, right now; like I always do, just being in the same room as you.”
He inched even closer to me then. His leg was pressed hard up against mine, and again I didn’t move. He reached his long, thick fingers out towards my face and swept the fallen curls back behind my ear. “Don’t you feel them, too?” Before I could answer, he leaned in and gently brushed his lips against mine. My head swirled and everything went dim. I kissed him back. I let him take my lips into his even harder until his tongue begged my mouth to open. My hands instinctively went to the slight curls at the nape of his neck, causing him to react with determination and desire. He laid me back until my head was pressed hard into the leather of the couch and his body hovered anxiously above me while our tongues continued their effortless dance. I
could feel him release his weight when his hips fell heavily on top of my own.
I was getting lost in his touch and in his kiss when all of a sudden I pressed my hands hard against his chest, “Wait, we can’t do this,” I let out breathlessly. My hands were fighting back the urge to rip open his pearl snaps, but my mouth was telling him to stop. He pushed himself up and off of me, allowing me to sit upright and face him once again. “Judd, I have a boyfriend. He’s my best friend and I love him. We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
“But you said you wanted to meet up. That you wanted to talk,” he replied with a confused tension in his brow. “I guess I just assumed that meant that you and I were on the same page.”
“Yes, I did want to meet up. I did want to talk, but not about butterflies and electricity or anything else from the past. I wanted you to come here and meet me in person so that I could finally move on. I wanted to tell you that I’ve found someone that I don’t have to play games with. That I don’t have to sit around and pine after, because he’s always there. He’s always been there; I just didn’t recognize it before. And he loves me.”
Judd’s eyes darkened. “Someone you don’t have to play games with? Quinn, that’s what made you…us….so exciting. We were always chasing each other, even when the other wasn’t around. If you can’t be with someone that you want to chase, than you’re probably just forcing it with someone that you can settle with. Someone’s that’s easy. And I’m sure he does love you, but what’s not to love? I’m sure there are hundreds of guys out there that could love you, but is that really enough?”
I was stunned speechless. I didn’t know whether to be insulted or flattered, but I did know that I couldn’t sit there, alone, with him anymore. It was time for him to go. For good.
Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series) Page 14
