My heart froze for an instant as a shadow passed over the bus. It was just a zeppelin from Hindenberg Werbemanufaktur, high overhead, pimping the new Osiris Casino in the Valley of the Kings. His gleaming onyx face stared down impassively over the city, regal, enticing, intimidating. It made me feel too visible.
“Let’s hop out here. We have to move unconventionally. Change things up.”
The bus was cruising through lower Stripmallia, an endless procession of Asian nail salons, video rental stores, convenience shops, and take-out joints. We piled out at the corner in front of a dry cleaners located in between two Starbucks. A few people trickled out behind us. I walked towards a bench and stretched my back.
“We just wait here until Monkey shows his face?” Eve asked.
“I’m already here.”
Monkey stepped out from between two elderly people shuffling down the sidewalk. He knew one of the keys to being a master of disguise was not to reveal yourself as you get out of disguise. No Hollywood theatrics for Monkey. One minute there’s nothing, the next, there he is. His Evel jumpsuit was covered by a long flapping duster, the collar hiked high to cover his face.
“Good. We’re all here, well met, et cetera. This girl has cleared at least two of her tests. The empty crystal serves as proof of one, and I saw the other. We have to figure out who this belonged to, because she’s one ahead on her own quest now, whether she knows it or not. How far are we from your garage, Monkey?”
“We’re not using any more of my cars. Hell no, not after what you did to my baby.”
“Okay, it’s that or more time on the bus. I have a few people near here that we need to see. Couple of meetings, walking distance, really, and then one train ride,” – at this, Monkey’s face flushed – “ one ! Just one train ride, we’ll take the express back to my place and you can tinker with one of my cars. You’ll have wheels again by midnight.”
“I like trains,” Goliath said.
“You’ve got ten minutes to find us a ride or I quit,” Monkey grumbled.
“You can’t do this to me, Monkey. Take one for the team here, huh?”
“Take one for the team? Do you have any idea how many favors you owe me already? Remember your one night stand with Grendel’s Mother? Who got you out in the morning? Who brokered peace between the centaurs and satyrs in your stead so you could go fishing? And who gave up his car today, who sacrificed his most prized possession, his chariot, his months – years! – of bloody knuckles and sweat – just so you could chase down something you were already supposed to be keeping track of?”
I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. I couldn’t help it. Getting yelled at by an angry three-foot-tall monkey is just humorous. But if I laughed, I could lose my driver.
Traffic was light on our street, and the parking lots were strangely devoid of cars. Things looked a little brisker at the end of the block. I jogged ahead of the others. “You’ll have a car in two seconds.”
“It better be good. Something unique. Something flashy and Italian.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers, Monkey,” I scowled.
“You’re begging me, remember? Get me what I asked for.”
I jogged around the corner and down the block to a busier intersection. Vine Street ran the length of many quarters, so there were always plenty of cars to choose from. The only problem is, they don’t really stop or slow down for anything. But, I had a way. I hoped. I had to try something. I waited to make my move until the light had been green for a minute or so. Traffic was really cooking along when I spied my target. It was a burgundy SUV, built for off-roading, solid steel and motorized muscle. Not Italian, but we needed the power. I could make this work.
I took a deep breath, waited until it was thirty feet away, just inside what I hoped was its safe braking distance. I jumped into the street. Everything seemed to go into slow motion, which gave me plenty of time to think about how stupid I’d feel if this didn’t work. The idea was simple, shock somebody into stopping, then jack the car, get my crew, and get out of here. I was positive Monkey could thread us out of the here before our pursuers chased us down again.
As I reached the peak of my jump, a different reality took shape. The SUV driver happened to be pretty good himself. He slammed hard on the brakes and twisted the wheel, sending the vehicle skidding into oncoming traffic. He almost hit me, which might have saved me some later embarrassment, but the only hit I took from his car was his bumper brushing my hair as he tore by. I heard his curses disappearing into the distance as I stumbled hard onto the pavement. Then the honking started.
One car kept honking, a nasally whine that grew in intensity but still struggled to be heard over the noise of the engine. I looked up and saw a 1957 Fiat Nuova Cinquecento bearing down on me, mere yards away. If you’ve never seen one of these cars, it’s probably because a small poodle was obstructing your view as you walked by. Tiny, tiny, tiny. But, it was still made of iron, still moving at a good clip right for my face. I saw the driver ’s face go pale, saw the veins jump up in his hands as he white- knuckled the steering wheel. The “Lord of Darkness” was going to be vanquished by a rusty Italian Clown Car.
* * *
Ten minutes later, I was still flying down the road.
“I told you unique, Italian and flashy. Two out of three ain’t bad, right? Plenty of leg room for me though!” Monkey started to laugh at his own joke, but we were all too uncomfortable for humor. He coughed. “Let’s see what’s on the radio…”
We stopped the car only once, to get some fuel and let Monkey tinker under the hood. It seemed like he took more parts out than he put in, but the car was an absolute spitfire when he was done. As we were all feeling chivalrous, Eve was riding shotgun. What about us? You think a Cinquecento looks small on the outside, you should try the view from the back seat. Compounding my discomfort was a giant’s ass compressing one shoulder and an angel’s head on the other.
“I still don’t think it was very nice what you did to that man,” Lenny said.
“We needed a ride. I told him I’d give it right back when we were done. It’s his fault. He raised the fuss,” I said.
“Still,” Lenny said, “all he asked was to keep the dashboard Jesus.”
“He’ll think of Him every time he sits down.”
“Goliath, please take your hand off of there,” Eve growled.
“That’s not my hand,” Goliath answered. He was difficult to hear over the roar of the wind, as most of his upper body and head were through the sunroof.
“Is that your tail, Monkey?” Eve asked.
“Shut up back there or I’m pulling this car over!”
“Nothing would make us happier!” Lenny answered.
I knew better than to say anything. Monkey was breaking in the beast. Talking to the car. Listening to the engine, seeing what it told him and what he could coax out of it. This would be our ride to Cinvat Bridge. If The Righteous had any mental faculties left (and if he hadn’t been swallowed up by the beasts of the lake), he might be able to point us in the right direction.
“There it is!” Goliath pointed excitedly ahead, his gesture almost enough to topple the car. There was something odd about the bridge, probably the fact that I could see it disappearing over the horizon. Cinvat Bridge was the nexus of several entry points into the land of the dead. We were above the source of the River Styx, on the bridge or path or stairway to beyond, depending on your faith. Very few cultures tell you that the moment after death is sunny skies and clear waters. It’s supposed to be doubt, uncertainty, introspection. This, this was picture-postcard perfect.
The car jostled as Monkey took us over the trellis and onto the bridge. The benefit of the Cinquecento was that we would have plenty of space to maneuver if something came at us. Monkey increased his speed, the engine sounding like a cross between a gun battle and a large blender. The world began to fade away behind us. It was an odd feeling, being on this infinite strip with nothing around us but
water. A bit like a bridge over the Pacific Ocean, I’d imagine.[16]
Monkey, seeing that we seemed to be going nowhere fast, put the hammer down. He shifted into higher and higher gears, beyond fifth, seventh, ninth, the car ’s tach pushing into redline territory. Had it not been for the roar of the wind through the sunroof, we wouldn’t have known we were moving. The sea was vast, infinite, immensely flat, and as boring as the plains of Kansas.[17] Monkey slammed a hand on the steering wheel and started downshifting. He pulled the car over to the side of the bridge and hopped out.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I just need to stretch,” Monkey said, balancing on the handrail of the bridge.
“Is it safe to stop?” Lenny asked.
“Safe enough. We’ll get a good look at anything coming our way.”
Eve stared out to sea. The water was perfectly clear. If this particular body of water had a bottom, you’d be able to see all the way down. I moved to her side, marveling at the sight of my waters free of their shroud.
“I’m kicking myself,” I said.
“Why?”
“Had I known it looked like this without the fog, I would have designed a sunset for us to watch.”
“Yeah,” she smiled wistfully.
Her face looked lighter somehow, the angry wrinkles on her forehead fading. She tossed her hair back over her shoulder and leaned on the rail, inhaling deeply. “If you’re thinking about putting your arm around me, please don’t.”
“I would never!” I said, subtly adjusting the trajectory of my arm into a stretch.
“We should walk,” she said softly.
“Walk? Are you nuts?” Monkey yelled.
“Nothing’s after us, near as I can tell,” Eve replied. “I don’t know how the bridge works, but I’m sure we’re not intended to drive across it.”
“I’m not walking. Monkey doesn’t walk. We go into the Badlands, we do it on wheels or I don’t do it at all.” Monkey folded his arms and wrapped his tail around one shoulder for emphasis.
“We can start driving again when we get back to land. In the meantime, we can harness the car to Goliath. Shouldn’t be anything for him to pull it, right?” Eve asked.
Goliath shrugged. “Why, I’m sure if yez all piled in, I could get this box up on my shoulder. Probably toss it to the other side. It would hardly be a test of my strength. But if ya wanna walk, be my guests.” He picked up Lenny and tossed him to Monkey, then hefted the car up onto his shoulder.
“We’re burnin’ daylight,” he said, trudging forward. A hubcap popped off of the rear wheel. It clattered to a stop by the railing.
“Just be careful! That fuel tank is pretty thin plastic!” Monkey said.
“So?”
“So you trip over, hell you even step too hard, and we’re gonna commit an unintentional terrorist act on this bridge. Nobody’ll be able to cross over for a long time…”
“If we fail at this, nobody will cross over ever again,” I said. Monkey sighed. “You’ve been dying to say some dramatic bullshit like that this whole trip.”
“I’m a drama queen, aren’t I?”
Goliath stretched his arm, the metal of the car moaning as he shifted around. “This would make a pretty good shield in battle. I ever tell y’about the time I was forced to fight a wind demon wit’ only a pair a’ legs stolen from a metal goddess statue?”
“Is he serious?” Monkey asked. “That was like, two hours ago.”
“Tell us,” Eve said.
“I have a feeling it’s going to be a long walk,” Lenny muttered from the bag on Monkey’s back.
“Of course it’s going to be a long walk. It’s called the Long Walk. We might as well be entertained,” Eve smiled.
“Thank you, miss,” Goliath beamed. “I was mindin’ my own business, eating a fine repast with other brave travelers, when this foul Demon appears and challenges me to a battle for my very soul!”
And with that, we marched onward to the sound of the giant’s tall tale.
* * *
Four hours and several seemingly endless stories later, we had made absolutely no progress. “Something’s wrong here,” I said.
“You’re telling me. That guy stretches the truth like taffy,” Monkey said.
“I do not!” Goliath bellowed.
“You said I soiled myself during our last battle!”
“You were scared.”
“My driving saved us.”
“You did scream like a girl,” Lenny said.
“He’s got you there,” Eve said.
“I’m a Monkey! Hello? That’s how we communicate. I can’t help it if you don’t appreciate our cultural differences. In my language, screaming is a form of defiance and bravery.”
A few feet ahead of us, something glinted in the sun. I squinted to get a better view. It looked familiar somehow. If it was what I thought it was, I would be the one screaming soon.
“How long have we been walking?” I asked.
“Hours. Days. Who knows?” Lenny said.
“How far?”
“Ten miles?” Monkey offered.
“It has actually been fifteen point eight miles, according to the pedometer in your backpack,” Lenny corrected him.
“Just don’t drool on anything in there, alright?” Monkey said, tapping Lenny through the backpack.
“You use a pedometer?” I asked.
“I do not.”
“You use a pedometer.”
“I’ll use your mother if you don’t shut up,” said Monkey.
“Is that your hubcap?” I asked.
We ran ahead to the spot where it lay, shiny, casting its accusatory glare at us, angry at having been abandoned.
“That’s impossible,” Monkey said.
“Nobody’s minding the bridge,” I said. “If The Righteous was here, he’d have greeted us by now. I think the bridge just isn’t working right. Which means something happened to The Righteous.”
“Or maybe,” a voice boomed, “he’s been following you for the past few hours, waiting for the perfect time to give you this!”
I turned in time to see a black shape hurtling towards me. With a wet slap , a catfish nailed my forehead and slid down onto my shoulder. The Righteous stalked closer.
“They don’t listen to me anymore!” he shouted, his knees trembling.
“Is that a Chihuahua on your head?” I asked.
“Just the skin,” he answered. He slumped down by the hubcap. “I’ve no purpose. No more use for fish. The spear…my mighty spear has been taken.”
“Was it the Brothers? Were they here?” I asked him.
“It was a monstrous thing. A she-devil with wily powers! She bewitched me. I thought she was another wanderer on the path, but it was a disguise.”
The Righteous ran a hand forward through his hair, whipping the dog carcass into his lap. He picked it up by the hollow paws and made it dance on his lap.
“Who’s a winner?” he mumbled. “Who wins?”
I moved to his side and crouched down, giving him the calming smile that had worked on thousands of millions of lost souls. He stared up at me, his lower lip trembling, eyes wet and shiny.
“Can you get us off of this bridge?” I asked.
He flipped the Chihuahua pelt onto his head. His head slowly rocked back and forth, as if the weight of the dogskin was too much for his skinny neck to support.
“How long has it been since I mattered?” he flipped the dog into his lap again.
“Hey…you matter,” I said, praying he wouldn’t ask me how , because there was no way I could answer it without lying.
“They don’t tell stories about me anymore. I’m not a legend. Not even a ghost of a legend. I was a god.”
“You are a god,” I corrected him. “We just…can’t all be at the top of the mountain all of the time, you know? We age. We become irrelevant. Doesn’t mean we lose any of what makes us who we are. It just means we have to find new purposes. Look at you! You’ve g
ot all of this!” I motioned down the expanse of the bridge.
“I have this because you left it to me,” he said.
“Yes, but I left it to you because I needed someone I could trust. Someone who was strong enough to—”
“You felt sorry for me.”
“Well,” I paused, not sure how to bridge this gap, pardon the pun. “I did. I do. I mean…The Boss dropped me down here with a bunch of lost souls and lost gods, and what was I supposed to do? I have no pity for the souls, because they’re just part of the Larger Plan, but us? We’re the apex predators! You know how it makes me feel to see one of my own stripped of his strength, his essence?”
The Righteous gave in to his tears, moaning so loud it felt as if the bridge would splinter beneath us.
“Is this supposed to inspire him?” Monkey asked.
“I’m getting to that part,” I said.
The Righteous picked up in intensity, his tears creating small pools near our feet. Goliath and Monkey shifted uncomfortably, finding anything else to look at. There’s nothing more embarrassing than watching a god cry. Goliath even had Lenny’s head on his palm facing towards the Endless Sea. Eve, on the other hand, was scooping one of the small puddles into her hand. She cupped her palms and brought them to her lips, blowing a gentle breath across the tears.
I lifted The Righteous by his arm, bringing him to his feet. He stood unsteadily, leaning against the railing. His eyes were watery, his lower lip still flopping like one of his many catfish, and a long drop of mucus dangled precariously from one nostril. The dog pelt was askew on his head, covering one eye, the tail dangling into his mouth. Other than that, he was every bit the image of a god.
“Listen. Righteous,” I started, feeling a bit like a tool. “This is never easy to accept. I know how you feel. I’ve been where you are.”
“When?” he shrieked, “You’ve never known the suffering I know. You made me useless. You! My sole purpose was to judge the souls of the dead. I was the one who would mete out their punishment. I would pronounce judgment on their souls, and they would know they were truly damned. You made me…redundant! You made me pointless. You left me on this endless bridge with nothing but endless water and these endlessly disgusting catfish! Day after endless day!”
Angel Falls Page 8
