“Whatever,” I say, stepping back into the dressing room. I keep my eyes away from my reflection. I struggle to get the dress off while my mother apologizes from the main room. I ignore her. Ignore Norah’s annoyed voice—at my mom, not me, but it all comes back to me anyway.
I pull on my clothes and walk out of the room, shoving the dress at Norah.
“Honey,” my mom says.
“I get it, it’s embarrassing. People will ask questions, and everyone can see that I had a total break-down. It’s all there, in permanent scars.”
Tears fill her eyes and Norah grimaces. “Liv, listen, Mom’s just worried.”
“I know she is,” I shout, “but I’m okay. You don’t have to stress out about me all the time. I’m fine.”
I turn on my heel and walk out the door, passing a horrified storekeeper on the way out. I reach my bike and fumble for the lock, getting it off just as they come out the door. Good thing I’ve spent the summer working on my stamina because I’m gone faster than they can react, biking through the town, trying to figure out where to go. There’s only one place I want to go. Only one person I want to be with. The only one that sees past the scars and the past and the pain.
23
Ben
My afternoon delivery was a nightmare. Three flights of stairs and a cast iron bed that didn’t want to make the turns on the stairwell. I had one of those moments where I couldn’t figure out how they ever got it up there in the first place.
By the time I get it down, load and deliver it to the second-hand store, I’m officially done with this day. I want a shower. And some food. And Olivia.
Only two of the three are guaranteed.
I missed her this afternoon, and not just because I could have used her help on the staircase. Because I, well, missed her. Her smile. Her taunts. Her amazing legs. Her mouth. I’d fallen completely under Olivia Saddler’s spell and didn’t ever want to come out of it.
My heart leaps when I see her bike leaning by the back gate.
Maybe she’d missed me, too.
“Liv?” I call. I pass the pool and walk around to the stairs that lead up to my guest house. I see her feet first, then those legs I obsess over. I stop when I notice her arms wrapped tight around her body and her red, tear-streaked face. Worry seizes in my chest. I drop to my knees before her.
“I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Are you okay?” I check her body, my eyes going straight for her arms. “Are you hurt?”
She rubs her face. “Just my mom and Norah. That stupid dress shopping.”
I take her hand and sit at her feet. “You’re going to have to give me more than that.”
She looks at our hands and then over her shoulder, toward my apartment. “I just wanted to see you,” she confesses. “Can I hang out here for a while?”
“Yeah,” I say, still not sure what’s going on, but if she needs a safe place to stay, I can provide it. I stand and help her to her feet. “Did you really ride your bike all the way here?”
She laughs softly. “Two miles. Uphill. I almost died.”
Happy her sense of humor is still intact, I throw my arm around her shoulder and kiss her temple. “Such a champion.”
At the top of the stairs I tell her to wait and I run inside, scrambling to clean up some of the mess. Shoes on the floor. Dirty dishes on the coffee table. At least I’d actually cleaned the bathroom this week. No one comes over, especially girls—the only one I spend time with right now is standing in the doorway. I know they’d kill me for having her here alone. For being the one that’s kissing her, maybe even being the one that she’s come to. It feels like a betrayal. When I look over at her and see her sad eyes, I know it’s worth it. She’s worth it.
“Okay,” I say, assessing the space. “You can come in now. I think I’ve cleaned up anything that would require a tetanus shot.”
She steps inside, looking defeated. “Can I get you something to drink? Food? I can order something.” I cross the space, heart pounding, and reach for her. “Tell me what I can do to make it better.”
She falls against my chest, and I wrap my arms around her. I feel the tension in her body slowly relax. “Can you just do this? Hold me?”
“All night, if you want.”
She nods and rests her cheek against my chest, surely able to hear and feel the racing of my heart.
“Remember how angry I was with you the first time I was here?” She asks a while later.
“We’ve come a long way.” That first night she could barely speak to me and closed herself off in my room. Tonight, I’ve managed to get her to eat a little and move to the couch. She surprises me by stretching out and encouraging me to do the same. It doesn’t take much. We lie on our sides with her back pressed to my chest. She doesn’t want to look at me, and every time I touch her arms she shies away. I rest my arms and hands away from her—giving her space while trying to provide comfort.
Basically, Olivia Saddler is a cat after all.
“I look back at that night and can’t believe I was so dumb. Spencer McKenna?” She snorts. “What a tool.”
“I tried to tell you.”
“I guess I should thank you for stopping me from making a huge mistake that night.”
“I’ll never turn down acknowledgement for being a hero.”
She shifts to look at me, incredulousness on her face. “Hero is pushing it a little, don’t you think?”
I shrug, loving the way she feels next to me. I reach for her hand and thread my fingers through hers. She looks down at them but, for the first time, doesn’t shift away.
“Why didn’t you tell me you’re applying to college for the fall?”
That comes as a surprise. Is that what she’s mad about?
“Norah mentioned it,” she adds.
“I wasn’t trying to hide anything,” I say, not sure that’s completely true. “I just wasn’t sure if it would happen, or if I could get in. I didn’t want to get my parents' hopes up or admit to them that I was considering going.”
“Would you give up your business?”
“No. That’s actually what made me want to go—or one reason. I figured taking some business classes may help me figure out how to take this bigger.”
“Ben Rowland, college student.” Her fingers tighten against mine, latching on.
“Yeah, we’ll see.” I kiss her neck, eliciting a shiver. “Are you going to tell me what happened today?”
I feel her exhale though her back. “When I was trying on dresses, my mom freaked out about my scars.”
I glance down at them. They’re ugly, and it makes my stomach hurt to think about the pain she inflicted on herself.
“I’m trying to accept them—to move on—but I can’t when she looks at me like that.”
“Like what?” I ask quietly.
“Like I’m damaged. Irreversibly.”
I don’t know how to respond to that, to such hurt. I’ve never been good with words or being serious. I’m the kid no one thought could go to college or hold a job. The side-kick to the power team of Gabe and Norah. I do the only thing I know how. I kiss her neck, soft as a butterfly, then travel down her shoulders, until I place a gentle kiss on her scar.
She squirms at the touch, but I hold her hand tight in mine. “You’re not damaged, Liv. You’ve fought an ugly beast and won. Be proud of yourself.”
“My mom can’t see it that way.”
“She’s just scared.” I take a deep breath. “Running off today probably doesn’t make her feel better about it.”
She doesn’t respond to that, but she also stops fighting me. I wrap my arms around her and pull her tight against my chest. My heart pounds at her closeness, and man, do I want to kiss her more, show her how I really feel. I don’t. For once I rein in my impulsiveness and just hold her. That’s what she needs more than anything and that’s what I want to be.
Her anything.
24
Olivia
I fall
asleep wrapped in Ben’s arms. It’s the loss of that warmth that rouses me, bleary-eyed and in the dark. That and the sound of his voice, quiet out on the deck.
“She’s here. Why? Because she needed somewhere to cool off. Because we’re friends, Norah. It’s a simple as that.”
The conversation is one-sided, but I can image my sister’s confusion. Why would Olivia come to your house? Since when are you friends? What is she doing there?
“No, don’t come get her. I’ll bring her home.” He pauses. “She’s not a kid anymore, Nor. All of that is in the past. You and your mom need to figure that out.”
He hangs up and walks back in, stopping when he sees me awake. I rub my face. “What time is it?”
“Ten.”
“I fell asleep.”
He leans against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets. “You were tired.”
I stand and reach for my phone. There are dozens of missed calls and texts from my mom, dad, and sister. I groan. “They’re going to be mad I left like that.”
“I told Norah to be nice.” He holds my eye. “She pulled up the GPS tracker on ChattySnap and saw that you were here.”
“So she knows?” I ask, feeling the anxiety blossom in my chest.
“That we’re friends. I told her that much.” He watches me closely. “I’m ready to tell her more.”
I shake my head. “If you think they’re worried about me now, there’s no way they wouldn’t flip if they found out I’m with a guy almost three years older.”
“I’m not just a guy,” he says.
“You’re worse. You’re trusted. Safe.” I look at the couch. “Safe boys don’t let girls sleep on their couches with them like that.”
“I was a gentleman.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Do you think they’ll believe that?”
He grimaces.
I walk over to him and reach for his hand. “Thank you for helping me out—again.”
“That’s what friends are for,” he replies, emphasis heavy on the word “friends” while pulling me into his chest. He tilts up my chin and kisses me in that way that makes my whole body turn to mush and my brain forget all my worries.
Secret or not, Ben Rowland may be exactly the friend I’ve been waiting for.
Ben drops me off with a squeeze of my hand—not venturing to kiss me in the driveway of my parents' house.
I walk in and my mother comes around the corner, mouth open. I hold up my hand. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run off like that.”
“Honey, no, I’m the one that needs to apologize. I wasn’t thinking…”
“You’re worried. I get it.” It’s hard for me to say, but Ben was right. Lying and running away doesn’t do anything to gain my mother’s trust. “I’m really doing okay right now. My anxiety is better—no panic attacks. I like my job and working with Melina and the kids.”
Her expression softens, and I see my father lurking in the hall. It’s hard for him to deal with all this too. “Melina seems nice.”
“She is.”
She walks over and gives me a hug, squeezing me tight. I’m not great at affection—especially with her. She pulls back and smooths my hair. “Tell Ben thank you for giving you a ride home. He’s always done a good job of looking after you.”
“I will.”
My dad catches me on the way up the stairs and gives me a tight hug. All of this is out of his range. He grew up with two brothers. Girl stuff—especially when I fight with my mom--throws him off completely.
“Next time,” he says, giving me a stern look, “call. She was about to send the police looking for you.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
He kisses my forehead. “I know kiddo, but this trust thing goes both ways. You’ve both got to give a little.”
I head up the stairs feeling guilty about not telling the truth about Ben. Why can’t I? They like him. Love him, really. He’s already a member of the family. What am I so worried about?
I take the steps to the third floor and find Norah in her room. She looks up from her laptop and says, “Hey.”
“Hi.”
I’m too tired for another round of apologies, so I say, “I really like the blue dress today. Whatever style you want to pick is fine by me.”
She closes the laptop and I see a giant Photobooth Society sticker on the back. “I showed it to Delaney, she liked it, too.”
“Good.” I glance toward the stairs. I can hear the TV on in the living room. “Do you think Mom is okay with it?”
“Mom and I had a long talk this afternoon while we were driving around looking for you.”
I make a face. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. You two needed some space.” She walks over to the doorway. “Every time Mom sees those scars, it’s a reminder that she wasn’t there for you—that she let you down—”
“What? That’s not true.”
“In her mind, it is.”
“Mom always did everything to help me. Therapists, medication, doctors, activities.” The list rolls off my tongue. My mother drives me crazy, but she didn’t actually make me do that stuff. “That was all me.”
Norah rubs her forehead. “It was. In the past. But you’re doing so much better. Even I can tell after being gone for a few months.”
“I feel better,” I admit truthfully. “It’s taken a while, but over the last few weeks things have clicked for me.”
She studies me. “So what’s going on with Ben?”
“Ben? Nothing.”
“You went to his house tonight, Liv. I saw you two talking the other night downstairs. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you two talk to one another.”
“Sure we have,” I say lightly, ignoring the tickle of fear in my stomach. “Remember how Dad would send me to the movies with him? And how we’d play video games all the time?”
“I guess.”
“He was bored. I was bored. Mom made me go help him haul all your stuff to the second-hand store. It’s not a big deal.”
Norah watches me, and I realize in this moment what I’ve been afraid of. What if Norah says we can’t be friends? Who would Ben pick? Me or Norah? I already knew the answer to that.
“I can see that,” she says. “I’ve been a little worried about him anyway since he’s not in school, and Gabe and I have been gone so much.” What she says next takes me by surprise. “Maybe we can all hang out together sometime.”
“Really?” Norah never asks me to hang out with her and her friends. Ever.
“Sure.” She gives me a smile. “You’re not a kid anymore.”
“No,” I say, returning her smile, “I’m not.”
With that I head back down to my room, feeling a bit lighter than I had before. Things aren’t perfect, and I’m still not ready to tell them about Ben, but we’ve made a little progress.
My phone buzzes as I walk through the door. I sit on my bed and read the message.
B: Everything go okay?
O: Yep. My mother wants to thank you for always taking good care of me.
B: If she only knew.
O: I thought you were a gentleman.
B: On the outside, but I don’t think you want to get a look in my mind.
O: Tomorrow?
B: Yeah, tomorrow. Night.
O: Night.
I put down my phone and stretch out on my bed, heart warm with the knowledge that Ben Rowland, at least for the moment, is mine.
25
Olivia
When I step out of the girls' home the next day, I spot Ben’s truck waiting in his normal spot. I wave and skip (yes, skip) up to the driver’s side door and tap on the window. He rolls it down and that’s when I notice two people in the back seat.
Norah and Gabe.
“Hey,” I say, trying to compose myself. “What are you guys doing here?”
“I don’t have any appointments this afternoon, and these two thought we should go to the beach.” I look in the back of the truck. Two surfboards are stra
pped down. Ben raises his eyebrows. “Want to come?”
“Um,” I look over my shoulder and see Melina getting into Hector’s car. I wave goodbye. “I have group at six.”
“Then that gives us four hours,” Norah says. She makes a pleading face. “Don’t make me sit out there all by myself, Liv. Come with? We’ll get you back by group.”
Ben looks at me expectantly. He wants me to come. I want to come. Worlds are about to collide, and I hope everyone survives.
I nod. “Okay, yeah,” I say. “Let’s go.”
The boys are dots in the distance, Ben’s blond hair a glimmer against the dark water.
Norah and I stretch out on our towels.
“How come you never learned to surf with them?” I ask, leaning back on my elbows.
“I tried a few times. It’s pretty hard and you know I have a legit fear of sharks, but mostly it was kind of something Gabe and his dad did together.”
“What about Ben?”
She shrugs and flicks a bug away. “You know Ben, he just tagged along or something.”
We’re quiet as they wait for a wave to build out in the Pacific, their boards bobbing along with the current.
“What’s been going on this summer? Anything fun?” she asks.
“Just volunteering down at the girls' home and group, mostly.”
“I miss working at the comic book shop and just hanging out all summer. The conventions are fun but exhausting.” She looks over at me and smiles. “Chilling out like this is nice.”
“You guys could take a break.”
She snorts. “Seriously? Getting the two of us to slow down would be like stopping a runaway train. The movie’s doing really well—the second one starts filming in the fall. They want to do a big spring push. Gabe’s got all these ideas for a new series, which is ridiculous, with the current one still in progress and the wedding and everything else.”
Just listening to her makes me anxious. I focus on the water and the waves and the boy floating. From a distance, it’s never easy to tell which waves they’re going to let go by or catch, it’s just a sudden flurry of movement as they race to catch the right moment.
Olivia and the Older Boy: Young Adult Sweet Romance (Love in Ocean Grove Book 5) Page 10
