“You think this is funny?”
“No, but you’re an enigma, that’s for sure. One minute you’re nothing but trouble, the next an innocent girl volunteering for community service.”
“I’m not a bad girl, Spencer. Sorry if that disappoints you.” He pulls the car into the McKoy Park lot. The ocean is visible below. He shifts to face me, tossing his arm over the back of my seat.
“I just think it’s time you figure out who Olivia Saddler really is. Is she the girl that sneaks out to go to parties, lies to your parents, has a secret, older boyfriend, or is she someone else?”
“I don’t know,” I say. He’s making me more confused than before.
He tilts his head and gives me a rueful grin. “For the record, I understand. The stupid meds I’m on keep me numb. Parties are exhausting. My friends think I’m depressing. Half the time I feel like I’m living a double life.”
I glance up at him, considering this may be the most honest thing he’s ever said. “But you? You get it. That need to just want to feel something real. Something good. No matter what it takes to get it.”
The way he says it hits home. “Yes. Exactly. Being with Ben makes me feel good, something that’s been missing for a long time in my life.”
His fingers graze my shoulder. “You don’t need that guy. I can make you feel something, Liv. We can both feel good and make the darkness fade, at least for a minute.” He leans toward me and I realize with a surge of panic that he’s going to kiss me.
“What are you doing?” I scramble and press my back against the wall.
“What I’ve been trying to for months, Liv.” He looks at me like I’m an idiot. “Let’s stop messing around, or,” he grins, “let’s start messing around.”
Maybe I am an idiot. I reach for the door handle.
“You’re leaving?” he says, anger crossing his face when he realizes I’m getting out of the car. I wrench the door open and basically fall out on my backside. “You’re such a tease, Saddler.”
I scramble to my feet. “No, Spencer. I keep making the mistake that you may be a friend, when really you’re just a big, fat jerk.”
I slam the door and the car reverses with a loud squeal before lurching to a stop. The window rolls down and before I can speak, he tosses my bag through. It lands upside down, my phone splintering into pieces. Spencer peels out of the parking lot as I bend to pick it up, including what little remains of my dignity, off the pavement.
I’d never experienced a walk of shame before, but the trek from McKoy Park home must be close. The whole way I come up with a million different scenarios of how to make this better, how to fix it, but mostly, how to run away.
I’m thankful it’s dark, the sun having set not long after Spencer peeled out of the parking lot. My mind spins, thinking about how I started the summer excited to get to know Spencer better—planning my days with Nicole. I should have known when it all fell apart so early that I was doomed. The weight of disappointment settles in the pit of my stomach. It feels dramatic but the same question rolls around my head over and over. Why does this always happen to me?
Why can’t I have friends. Why can’t someone truly understand me? Why am I destined to be alone? A little voice answers back every time. Because you’re Olivia. You’re not worth it.
There are no cars home when I get there and I’m both glad and disappointed. If my mom was home, she’d ask me what was wrong, she’d help me fix this. But I’d also refuse. I know it. How am I so twisted up?
That’s when the plan gels. I just need to go. Get out of here before anyone comes home. Save all of us the trouble. I won’t have to face Ben and the inevitable moment he tells me he’s choosing Norah. Or Norah’s looks of disappointment. I won’t have to explain all the lies to my mother. The sadness from my dad.
Inside, I go straight to my room where I change out of my suit and pull out my duffle bag. I toss in clothes, my toiletries. I reach for my hoodie and with it tumbles the shirt and shorts I borrowed from Ben when I stayed over at his house. I press the cotton to my nose and inhale. It still smells like him, like his house. Warm. Clean.
What am I going to do without him?
How can I make this pain stop?
I look in the mirror over my dresser and lift up my sleeve, staring at the long, pink scar.
I drop the bag and head over to my desk, rummaging around. One thing took the pain away before. One thing made me feel better, even if just for a moment. I pick up the tiny, handheld pencil sharpener and squeeze it tight in my palm.
Spencer was right about one thing. Feeling something is better than nothing, and if it can make the darkness fade for just one moment, it’s worth the pain.
33
Ben
I storm back through the gates and run up the steps of my apartment, grabbing my truck keys. Where is my wallet? I’m searching and dialing Olivia’s phone when I turn and see Norah in the doorway.
“Not now, Nor.”
The call goes straight to automated voicemail. I shut it off.
“Listen, that’s not what I meant to happen. I was just surprised to find you two,” she grimaces, “like that.”
“Well it did happen, and your sister freaked out, because you acted exactly like she suspected you would.” I hold up the keys. “I need to go find her.”
“She left?”
“Yes.” I spot my wallet under the remote control on the coffee table and grab it. I cross the room and stand in front of my friend. “Don’t fight me on this.”
“I’m not,” her voice quivers. “I’m coming with you. Let me grab my bag.”
I don’t wait for her, running down the stairs and past the guests. I do stop at Gabe and say, “I’m going to find Liv, stay here? Let me know if she comes back?”
He nods and touches my shoulder. “I will.”
I get in the truck and the engine roars with life. I’m about to back out when Norah opens the passenger side door and hops in.
“She’s not answering her phone,” she says. “I should call my mom.”
I clench my jaw. “And tell them what? You caught us kissing, freaked out, and Liv ran away?” Norah fidgets with her phone. “She’s stronger than you think.”
“I want to think that’s true,” she says, eyes searching the road. I’m looking for the blue of Spencer’s car, for Olivia, for anything. “But you weren’t really there when it happened before. It was so scary.”
I don’t know if I’ve ever heard Norah like this before. She’s always so tough—so smart. It’s why she’s hung out with guys all her life. Emotions don’t get the best of her. I reach over and squeeze her hand. “We’ll find her and work this out.”
I drive past the Market and then the Community Center. I hit all the regular spots; The Creamery, The Girls' Home, the Pier. Finally, I take the road that leads to McKoy Park. The lot is empty, but I see something black, rectangular, and broken on the ground.
“What’s that?” I ask, but Norah’s already out of the car. She comes back with a cracked phone in her hand. She holds it up. A Photobooth Society sticker is on the back of the case.
“It’s hers.”
Fear bubbles inside.
“Go home. Just drive there. I can at least tell my parents.”
My tires squeal as I speed out of the parking lot, getting looks from the kids at the skate park. I head toward our neighborhood, agitated.
“Tell me the truth,” she says suddenly. “Do you really like her?”
My heart thuds at the question, and a lump forms in my throat. “Yeah, I like her.”
“I just don’t want her to get hurt, you know?”
I pull up to the Saddlers' house and park the truck. I stop and look at Norah. “I can’t promise that she’ll never get hurt, because relationships are rocky and tough, but I’ll never do anything on purpose and I’ll do everything I can to take care of her.”
She wipes away a tear. “When did you grow up?”
I open the door. “We
all grew up, Nor. Even Olivia.”
We rush to the house and Norah quickly unlocks the door. Olivia’s pool bag sits right inside the foyer. She calls out, “Liv? You here?”
Lights shine down the stairwell and I run up them, taking two steps at a time. Olivia’s door is open, and I call her name again, panic seizing in my chest.
“Liv?” I say, walking over the threshold, scanning the room. I spot her on the floor, crumpled before her desk. I run over, drop to my knees and lift her by her shoulders. She looks up, wide-eyed, with a tear-streaked face. Her hands are balled. “Hey, hey, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” she whispers. I take her hands, unfolding he fingers. I feel something wet and I look down to see red blood in the center of one palm. The other holds crushed plastic and the silver glint of a blade. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t. But my head. It just wouldn’t stop.”
I look over her head at Norah, who’s clasped a hand over mouth and reaches for her phone. Removing the blade and the plastic, I wipe down Olivia’s hand with my shirt. The cut isn’t bad, thank goodness. I pull her into my arms.
“It’s going to be okay,” I tell her, never having been so scared in my life.
“I don’t want to do this,” she says, sobbing and pressing her face against my chest. “I didn’t want you to pick Norah over me. I’m a bad girl, like Spencer said.”
“I’m not leaving you,” I tell her, “and you’re not bad. Not even close.”
I hold her as she cries, and Norah calls her parents from the hallway. I don’t let go, not for an instant, even after Mr. and Mrs. Saddler show up. Not when they go through her bathroom and find the bottles of medication—still full—and confirm she never picked up the new ones. No one says a word as she finally falls asleep, their faces etched with worry as I lay her on the bed, and then ease into the chair in the corner of her room, refusing to leave her side.
34
Ben
I wake, neck stiff, angled weird on the chair in Olivia’s bedroom. She’s still asleep, her face smooth and peaceful. I ease off the seat and lift my arms over my head to stretch my back. Glancing down, I see the blood on my shirt.
What a nightmare.
I see the shirt and shorts Olivia borrowed from me weeks before. I pick them up and go in the bathroom to change. The last thing her parents need to see is her blood on my shirt. Last night was scary enough. No need for a reminder like that today.
When I come out of the bathroom, a figure stands quietly in the doorway. Gabe. He nods for me to follow him down the hall. The last thing I want is to leave her, but I know there are questions to answer, truths to admit. It may be better to do it while she’s asleep.
At the top of the stairs he turns and gives me a hug. “Thank god you found her.”
“I never should have had to run after her like that in the first place.”
He grimaces. “There’s a lot going on. Come on, they’ve been waiting for you to get up. Family meeting downstairs.”
Does that mean I’m one of the family?
Downstairs I find the Saddler family; her mom, dad, and Norah. Gabe moves to stand behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist. My mother is here, and she walks over and gives me a big hug.
“Are you okay?” she asks, a million questions in her eyes.
“I’m fine, Mom.”
Maya, the leader of her therapy group, stands near Olivia’s mom. There’s a full pot of coffee and no one looks like they’ve slept at all. I pour myself a cup and grab a muffin off the tray on the kitchen counter.
“To catch everyone up to speed,” Maya says, taking over for the Saddlers, who seem too exhausted to speak, “we wanted to get together before Olivia wakes up so we can all start off on the same page. It seems like although she’s made some really positive progress lately, there has been a bit of a backslide. At some point in the past few weeks, Olivia stopped taking her medication. It may have been forgetfulness or intentional. Sometimes it’s a little bit of both, but the consequences here were scary. Going cold turkey off the type of medication she’s on can be dangerous and often it’s really hard to tell what’s normal behavior and what’s a side effect.”
“Like what?” Norah asks.
“Moodiness, irritability, major highs and lows.” She frowns. “Last night was a major low, obviously. Have any of you noticed those types of behaviors?”
“I didn’t,” Mrs. Saddler says. “I was trying so hard to give her some space. After all these years of watching her so closely she seemed like she was finally doing better. I should have known something like this would happen.”
Mr. Saddler wraps his arm around his wife. “You can’t blame yourself.”
It’s pretty obvious that she does.
Norah looks at me. “Did you notice anything? You guys were spending a lot of time together.”
I think over the last few weeks. We had a lot of fun and I thought all of it was genuine, but then I remember the phone call yesterday morning where she’d forgotten to ask me about the tent—or her odd behavior up in Smyrna where her mood kept fluctuating. I cross my arms over my chest and say, “Yeah, I think maybe I did. I just thought it was normal Liv behavior. She’s always walked to the beat of her own drum.”
Maya holds her coffee. “I see her twice a week. I also thought she was doing better. She showed up to work on time and was engaged at group. Of course, those could have been a signal, too.” She shakes her head. “No one is to blame. We’re just looking for patterns while it’s still fresh. That’s how we know how to keep this from happening again.”
“Again?” I ask, worry bubbling in my chest. “You think this will happen again?”
“Olivia has bi-polar disorder, Ben,” my mother says, touching my arm, “there’s no cure. It’s something she’ll have to manage her whole life.”
“If she’s taking her medication, things should be okay, but going off is pretty common. People forget or think they’re doing better and stop.” Maya smiles sympathetically at me. “It’s manageable and Liv has proved she can do it. It’s just going to take a little more work.” She glances around the room. “Support from her family and friends is crucial, but she’s also going to need time to heal from this episode.”
There’s more discussion. Getting her into the psychiatrist to make sure the dosage is correct. A better system that allows her independence with some checks and balances. Most of it fades into the background as I step away from everyone to get some air on the porch and process.
“You okay, sweetheart?” my mom asks, coming out the back door.
“I didn’t know it was so serious. Like, she told me about some of it, and I thought I understood, but I didn’t know it was this bad.”
“Want to tell me what was going on with you two?”
I glance across the room at Mr. and Mrs. Saddler, feeling guilty for keeping this a secret. “We were dating. It just kind of happened. I know you think—”
“What? That we didn’t see this coming?” She laughs. “Shelly and I have joked for years that you two would inevitably end up together.” She rubs my back. “Our hot messes.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“It’s not an insult, dear, just a reality. Norah and Gabe were more of a long shot. It wasn’t a surprise, but it also wasn’t a guarantee. You and Olivia were like two magnets bound to collide at some point.”
I blink. “You’re kidding.”
“Ben, you’ve always taken care of that girl. Even when she was little. Going to the movies, playing video games. There was just a block of time where she was dealing with her issues, and you were growing up and doing your own thing.”
“So you don’t think her parents will be upset?”
“I think, especially under the circumstances, they’d like the truth.”
“That’s fair.” My heart is a conflict of emotions. Everything I’d just heard and confessed weighs down on me. I look at my mom and admit, “I’ve never been so scared as I was last night when I foun
d her like that, hurt and bleeding. I don’t know if I can do that again.”
She pulls me down so she can hug me. “You’re a good boy, Ben. Sweet and caring.” She releases me. “I heard you were looking into colleges.”
“Yeah,” I rub my neck, “I didn’t want Dad to get involved, but I’ve been looking at business courses.”
“Olivia is going to need stability and support. She doesn’t need someone that can’t figure out what’s going on.” She holds my eye. “I’m not saying you need to make one decision over the other. Just figure out what you’re doing so she’s not blindsided.”
I hear what my mom is saying. My decisions (or lack thereof) affect other people. In the past I didn’t care if I didn’t do what my father wanted, or if Norah and Gabe thought I was wasting my time. I lived my life day-by-day, but this summer things changed. I grew my business. I settled down. I have goals—and a glimmer of a plan.
I just need to figure out where Olivia and I fall into that.
35
Olivia
I sleep most of the first day, waking to a quiet house. I search the chair next to the bed, a memory of Ben sitting there lingering in my mind. It’s probably the confusion. I have a lot of it. I don’t remember much after storming out of the pool house. Maya says it’s from going off the meds so quickly. That it messed with my head. She came up with my mom and handed me two pills—cut in half from my normal dosage. I had to ease my way back up again.
I want to ask for Ben—call him. I don’t know where we’ve left our relationship. My phone is broken. Shattered in the streets. Mid-way through the afternoon, the doorbell rings. I sit up on the couch, pausing the TV. Mom comes back with a vase of wild flowers. A note is attached to the side.
“Love, Ben.”
It’s not much, but it’s something.
My mom watches as I tuck the card back inside and says, “They’re really lovely. Are they from Ben?”
Olivia and the Older Boy: Young Adult Sweet Romance (Love in Ocean Grove Book 5) Page 14
