by Jason Letts
If he were indeed untroubled, Knoll might have little in common with the strained, stressed faces in his midst. The environment didn’t offer much chance for respite, and privacy became even rarer. Swiveling his head at the sameness in every direction, Vern sighed deeply.
“Who knew this was even up here? You’d think we were about to fall off the world,” he grumbled.
“Fortst did, and it’s been just like he told us. Don’t you remember what he called this place? The southern fingers of the frozen desert,” Chucky recalled, and Mira rested her head on his shoulder for a second. Indeed, many of the ice drifts around them appeared remarkably similar to fingers or even hands.
“You paid close attention on that one day, and it’s proven immeasurably useful,” she said, straightening herself up. “But we’ll have to find firewood to keep ourselves warm and hope our crossing doesn’t take long, because I doubt there’s a speck of food in this entire place.”
“Let’s send a wish to the web,” Aoi suggested, though she’d been remarkably silent lately.
“Yes, let’s,” Mira agreed.
They pressed on, their footsteps grinding and cracking the hard ground. There didn’t seem to be another living thing anywhere, making them feel out of place in the eerie desolation. Scanning the area during hours of trekking only produced a few odd sticks of firewood too.
“So what do you think Gloria and Jeremy decided to do?” Chucky asked Mira, causing her to roll her eyes and put up her hands.
“I don’t have the slightest clue. If they were smart, they’d keep as far away from this place as possible and stick to the mountains,” she surmised.
“I guess we can rule that out then,” Will quipped.
Silent steps seemed to extinguish the conversation as soon as it had begun, but Vern grimaced as though something itched in his nose and picked at his mind.
“Should we have really just let them go? I mean, what do they deserve?” he ventured. “We’ve run into all these people trying to stop us to further their own ends. They’re going to keep coming back and back until one side finishes the other off.”
Mira took a deep breath and sighed.
“What do they deserve? That’s a good question, and we don’t have the answer to it. We know what they’ve done to us, but do we really know why? People don’t do things for no reason, and it’s impossible to boil down an explanation to selfishness or hatred. When we hold the carafe, we can see into their painful memories too. I bet there are volumes Aoi or Roselyn know about Jeremy or Gloria, but even that would just scratch the surface of where they come from. Isn’t that right?” Mira concluded, turning the attention to Roselyn and Aoi. Roselyn nodded, but Aoi shook her head.
“I don’t know,” she shrugged, pressing her lips shut tightly.
“And what about Goober?” Will chimed. “What are we supposed to do about him? He’s not gone. He’s going to keep doing what he wants to do, and that means trying to kill us. I’m not convinced there’s anything human about him anymore. We don’t have a choice.”
Still walking, Mira twisted her neck to look over at him.
“You’re right. We don’t have a choice, but that’s not because we have to kill him. It’s because I’m not sure we can,” she argued, but Will simply scowled.
“Now come on! After what just happened? Aoi must be able to do it. Maybe she could even do it now and eliminate everyone who’s caused us a problem.”
“I don’t think so,” Aoi shook her head, and Vern watched her carefully. He began to perceive her restraint, and he wondered what was behind the tough veneer he had known in their youth.
“It’s no use hiding it anymore, Aoi,” Will pressed. “Let’s face the facts. What you did, the way you healed us, there’s nothing stopping you from doing the exact opposite. Why, there’s no telling what you could tear apart. You could be Goober if you had a mind to it!”
In a way, the anger Will’s words unleashed only served to prove him right. She glared at him so sharply that he slowed his pace to hide behind Chucky.
“Because that’s not how it works, and that’s not who I want to be!” she burst. “You heard what the twins said. It’s changing the product of a reaction, not making things appear out of thin air or bringing the axe to someone’s neck from however far away. And that’s if I could even do it again.”
After her outburst, all that registered on her face was pain. She shielded her eyes from the others. It surprised Vern when Mary came up alongside Aoi to offer her support. The only thing she could’ve possibly done to be friendlier would be to put her arm around her and pull her close. She must’ve known better than doing that though, as he imagined Aoi would rip her head off for it.
“There might be a few surprises to your gift yet to be discovered,” Mary said, causing Aoi to further recoil. “Hard to know what any of us might be capable of, really. I never thought I’d be able to absorb like you do or walk up the side of a wall…by myself.”
Mary’s comment reminded Vern of all the times he’d escorted Aoi up walls, and he had to guess Aoi contemplated the same thing.
“I guess now you know them in a way no one else ever could,” Chucky mused, and Mira hung her head. Aoi crossed her arms in front of her, grasping at her shoulders and biceps.
“Course you could’ve always said that. The way each of you feels to me is so unique and beautiful. It’s something I’ll never be able to forget,” Mary said.
Aoi stopped dead, bumping into Will and startling those around her. Changing directions, she stalked toward Vern and grabbed him by the arm. The painful pinch caught him off guard, and soon she was dragging him roughly off at an angle from their current path.
“Oww! What are you doing?” he whined.
“Just let them go,” Mira said to the others, though her voice already faded from the distance and the wind. Bowing to Aoi’s insistence, Vern let her pull him along a cold stretch of sand. Jerking his head back, everyone stared plainly at them. Aoi had the kind of possessed determination on her face he had long known and only lately had come to appreciate. He had a feeling about what he was in for, but he didn’t want to accept it. Finally, once their friends appeared small and remote, she turned on him.
“Why haven’t you told her yet?” she begged to know, throwing her hands in the air. Vern knew better to pretend he didn’t know who she was talking about, but he still felt an icky tension inside making him resist.
“Tell her what?” Vern replied, a hurt tone unconsciously finding its way into his voice. Aoi squelched back the tears welling in her black eyes. She reached out for his arm again, only this time her hold was soft.
“That it can never be! Mary loves you, and you have to let her down. That’s the only way it’ll work for us,” she implored.
“Aoi, you know I care about you deeply. So what does it matter what she thinks or does? We don’t have to let it affect us,” he said.
For a moment he thought he’d pacified her, and she looked back at the group out in the cold desert, but then she brought her eyes back to him, and they were full of hurt.
“Then why haven’t you told me you loved me?” she whispered.
Feeling the pressure and his own heart wrenching, Vern was taken aback at how much agony she was in. It had flattered him to learn of Mary’s affection, and that made it hard to immediately shut it out.
“I didn’t know it was that serious. I thought we were just having fun. What happened to all of the laughing and making jokes we used to do? How did it turn into this?” he asked as evenly as he could.
Aoi recoiled from him, crossing her arms. The wind blew through her hair, and she looked like she could disappear into the cold landscape.
“You have to tell her to forget about you. Don’t you see the way she antagonizes me? She hates me because I have you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t wake up one day because of it. She will never relent, I will never give you up, and we can’t both succeed,” she declared.
Vern
put his hand to his head. His ears felt cold, perhaps from all of the unwanted things they had to hear. Somehow, when he decided to press his feelings for Aoi in the first place, he didn’t imagine it would turn into anything like this. Where in the fine print had he signed on the dotted line for this?
“Why do I have to make all these serious decisions now?” he asked, frustrated.
“I can’t believe you think you have a choice!” she shrieked, throwing a hand up and then putting it to her heart to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry for yelling. All of the things we’ve been through, have they not been enough? To watch a city crumble together, to fight and protect each other, to endure and find happiness in even the worst times. What more do you need?”
Vern sighed. She didn’t seem to understand what he meant. The way she perceived the situation seemed so starkly different from what he saw.
“How old am I, Aoi? Yeah, we’ve been through a lot, but there’s a lot more to go through. Who says it all has to become permanent now? I think we should wait and see where it goes,” he said, nodding, trying to get through to her, but he only pained her more.
“Wait and see where it goes? How can you say that? You still haven’t even said you don’t want to be with her,” Aoi said, forcing Vern to step back as she moved forward. Even though she was shorter than him, her fury was still intimidating. “If you think I’m going to disrespect myself by letting you play the field for one minute you’ve got another thing coming. Because not making a decision is just as bad as choosing her, and I won’t accept either.”
She broke down and started to cry, putting her head down and hiding her face in her hands. Vern couldn’t blame himself for her tears anymore. He hadn’t done anything wrong.
“It can’t be like this. It can’t be so hard,” she mumbled, coming to him with her arms open. He hugged her, still wary of another outburst.
“Look, you’ve got nothing to worry about, OK. Don’t stress yourself out about all this stuff. Don’t let Mary get to you. We’ve got an important job to do out here, and you’re a big part of it. How could we ever reconstruct the carafe without Aoi?”
In a way, he felt like he was speaking to her as though she were a child. He much preferred the confident Aoi who didn’t need to constantly seek reassurance or validation. Still, it wasn’t the worst thing he had to put up with, all things considered.
“You really mean that?” she asked.
“Of course I do,” he said, and he could feel Aoi release a shuddering sigh.
“That’s good,” she said, her head on his chest. “Sometimes I worry you…”
“Worry what?” Vern asked after she trailed off.
Aoi pulled away from him and glanced back at the group. Vern followed her eyes and saw they were still mulling around in the same spot. He didn’t know how much time had passed, and it made him uncomfortable to think what sort of impression they must’ve gotten from the flurry of gestures and the raised voices. It was so hard to keep anything private out in the open like this.
“Never mind. Maybe we should just go back. Look, I’m sorry if I made you feel bad, but I’m serious that you have to make up your mind. Maybe we’re not that old, but some opportunities only come around once and then they’re locked away and gone forever,” she said.
Looking forlorn and disappointed, she started back across the icy plain, leaving him out there to do as he would.
“Aoi, wait!” he called, and she spun around faster than he had ever seen her move. She hung on his words, craning her neck in anticipation of them. But now Vern couldn’t recall what had motivated him to speak up in the first place. Saying yes or no would be easy, but having it be the right decision would be hard. At the very least, he didn’t want to walk back alone.
“Wait for me,” he said, catching up to her. She settled back down, her excitement leaking out. He put his arm around her shoulder as they walked back, and in the distance he could see Mary turn away from their approach. It was a shame anybody had to feel bad on his account, but it seemed unavoidable if the situation was as divisive as Aoi described.
Before they returned to earshot, Aoi leaned over to his ear, standing on her tiptoes. She whispered something soft and sweet. When there was so much uncertainty over everything, at least he didn’t have to wonder if she cared.
“Please choose me,” she said.
Even at midday it had never been that bright, the sun hanging lopsided in the sky. But darkness began to set in, and all at once the day’s long march came to an abrupt end.
“This place is as good as any,” Vern said, dropping his bag and their thin sticks on the Earth’s crusty, barren surface.
“Sounds good to me,” Mira agreed, and that was enough to bring the others to a halt. They looked worn and disheveled, hiding underneath their blankets. Will immediately slunk to the ground, sighing when it drew Mira’s attention. “But we’re not done for today yet. It’s going to get even colder tonight, so we need a fire. Let’s split up and canvas the area for wood, food, or anything else that might be useful.”
Roselyn helped Will back to his feet and led him off in one direction. Vern and Aoi drifted together and turned to another. Chucky stood a few feet from Mira, making it clear he wasn’t going anywhere without her. That left Mary alone, and she threw her sack at the pile hard enough to knock over the other bags.
“Of course!” she moaned. “I can’t say I’m shocked. Just go off and search for your own private make-out spots. I hope I’m not eaten by any monsters.”
Mary scraped her feet against the ground, limping toward the setting sun. When she looked back and saw the others halted in pairs, she motioned to push them away. It was the latest in a long string of insults she would have to bear.
“Maybe Clara will come back and keep her company,” Will mocked, snickering until Roselyn’s scornful glance stopped him cold.
“Or you could give her Knoll,” Aoi said. She at least seemed to hide her malice when she spoke, but of course she was the one person who didn’t need to add it for it to be there. Mary knew Aoi wouldn’t trust her with a ball of belly-button lint, much less a baby. It didn’t help that Chucky wrapped his arms around the child even more tightly as a response.
“Will you be OK without me?” Mira asked Chucky. His big eyes blinked rapidly for a moment and then he nodded, taking a step back and craning his neck around.
“He can come with us,” Vern offered a moment later. Aoi crossed her arms but said nothing.
“There, everybody’s accounted for,” Mira said, catching up to Mary. “Are you happy now?”
Mary had to accept that she’d been appeased even though Mira wasn’t the one she would have chosen if she’d had her pick. The way Mira looked at her, that restrained friendliness, always gave Mary the vibe she was being lectured at, scolded. She could feel it coming, if it hadn’t already begun. There’s only one way to respond to well-meaning authority, a mix of derision and sarcasm.
“What do you think?” Mary said.
Together they strolled out into the wasteland, which looked like a massive beach except there was neither water nor solid land on the sides. Mira swallowed, watching her own footsteps.
“No, I don’t think you’re happy,” Mira answered, as though Mary had wanted an answer. “And nobody else here is either. Everybody’s under too much stress as it is, and then to have all this dirty laundry out in the air is enough to suffocate us.”
“I’m not causing a problem, am I?” she drawled, well aware she was causing a problem.
“There’s nothing out here at all,” Mira said, leaning over to peer at the dunes. Finally, she straightened up and returned her attention to Mary. “No, you’re not causing a problem. I think we all need a chance to reevaluate what we’re doing this for and what we really need.”
Mary stopped to confront Mira, pushing her on the shoulder to make her turn.
“You don’t have to lie to me, Mira. Just say it. I’m the problem and the reason you’re here is to fix
it. So don’t tell me it’s about reevaluating something or whatever other fancy terminology you want to use. I’m not worth being the object of one of your plans, and I know when I’m being manipulated.”
She searched for traces of resentment and anger on Mira’s face. Even the slightest frown or squint would have been enough to make the case she’d already judged against her. But Mira maintained the same simple attention even though Mary had tried to aggravate her. Mary may not have achieved the desired effect with her indignation, but at least she got Mira to speak to her directly.
“Mary, it’s not right what you’re doing to Aoi and Vern. They are happy together, and infringing on that is impacting our stability as a whole. In some ways you’ve grown so strong and changed so much, and now you’re going to need all of that strength to let this go. You’re only going to cause yourself more trouble and prolong your heartache.”
Mary clenched her fists, fighting back the feeling to strike out at Mira for her hypocrisy. She shook her head and pursed her lips, but as long as she held them shut the pressure of what she had to say grew and grew.
“How can you—of all people—tell me to just ignore this feeling inside of me? What about being true to yourself and knowing who you want to be? Well this is who I am, Mira, and there’s no denying it. As much as I’m here because I’m your friend and I want the safety of the carafe, I’m here because of Vern and how I know he’ll be happier with me than he is with Aoi. There’s no lengths you won’t go to for your family, and there’s no lengths I won’t go to for him.”
This time Mira did squint and recoil, but it was not out of anger but of pain. Seeing her hurt instantly made Mary calm down and regret her harshness. She didn’t want to be the one inflicting this punishment on anyone, but the only other choice was to abandon life altogether.
“Do you remember when we were the same?” Mira asked, putting her hand to her heart. “At my birthday party, you asked me how I could live like this. Since then, I’ve fought so hard against my nature, doing anything and everything I could to deny it, but it never changed. All I did was estrange myself from my parents and leave myself hopelessly alone. That’s what this is for you, Mary. You can’t move them. You can’t change this.”
