The vid in front of me suddenly came to life, filling up with line after line of clan names. My mouth dropped open.
“Holy cats,” I said. “There must be fifty clans here!”
Candy’s eyes were huge. “That’s only the first screen, Shalia. You’ve got eight more besides.” She pointed at the indicator in the right hand corner of the free-floating hologram. “With 72 clans per page that’s – that’s –” her mouth puckered and her eyes rolled as she did the math in her head. “—648 clans. And your offer page went live only seven hours ago.” She pointed at another indicator.
“There has to be some mistake,” I said, my voice wheezing from the lack of air in my lungs.
“Open one and see what it says.”
I clicked the first name on the list, Clan Seot. Their introduction came up, along with additional files that gave still pics and other information.
Candy squinted at the words on the screen. “Greetings, Matara Shalia. Dramok Seot, Imdiko Cifa, and Nobek Larten wish to express our delight that you have chosen to make Kalquor your home. We are assured we can offer you and your soon-to-be-born child a comfortable home—”
“Okay, so they got the part where I’m pregnant,” I muttered. “Jeez, Candy, do you need your eyes checked? You’re practically snorting that vid.”
“Maybe,” she said. “Stuff is kind of blurry. Hey, they’ve got a home by the sea and a mountain retreat on a moon near Kalquor. Nice.”
“Let’s see some of the others,” I said impatiently. “I can filter out all the ones that aren’t aware I’m going to drop a hot package in a few months.”
Candy giggled. “Drop a hot package? From that description, I don’t know if you’re giving birth or pooping.”
I brought up another offer. “Pooping? What are you, seven years old? Who the hell at your age says poop?”
She ignored me, choosing to read the next introduction through her narrowed eyes. Someone needs to get her a seeing eye dog. I decided to rat out her bad eyesight to Betra so he can make her go see Dr. Tep. That’s what she gets for saying ‘poop’.
“We look forward to the opportunity to get to know you and your child when you reach Kalquor...” she droned.
“Well, damn,” I said. “Is there a faster way of figuring out who mentions my bun in the oven than reading through all of these?”
“That’s a much better euphemism,” Candy said.
“I’m so glad you approve.”
“There is a faster way. Main screen of file.” The computer obediently went back to the first page of suitors. “Highlight all files that contain references to child, baby, or pregnancy.”
The whole damned list highlighted. “You have got to be kidding me,” I said.
We went through all the screens. Out of nearly 650 clans, only slightly over two dozen had no reference to me having a child as part of the package.
“Wow,” Candy said. “I guess Kalquorians like kids.”
“They like knowing the chick they’re spending all their time and energy trying to seduce can have kids,” I sighed. “I’m a sure thing, apparently.”
Candy smiled at me cheerfully. “So figure out your wish list with every dream and desire, and make them jump through hoops. What the hell, you’re a proven commodity. Your womb is your passport to paradise.”
Yeah, I’m going to tell Betra she’s blind as a bat. Right now.
January 6
I have to make a decision on this kid. Tep says I have to make my choice within the week for optimal success in removing and freezing my little hitchhiker.
Clan Dusa won’t return my messages. I didn’t think they would. The guys expect me to move on and find another trio of men to spend my life with. It’s just like men to think it’s so freaking easy to do such a thing.
What if Dusa, Weln, and Esak were the ones I was meant to be with? I worry that the universe or God or whoever runs this show said, ‘Here’s your happily-ever-after, served to you on a plate. Enjoy.’ And they won’t even talk to me now.
Fuck. I never should have left Earth without them.
I commed Dad, wanting a sounding board. Fortunately, it was after shift, Atlanta-time, and he was available to talk to me. He looked wonderful in his big bear dad way.
We did the obligatory, hi-how-are-you-you look-great-I-miss-you dance. I know I sound flippant about it here, but I do miss Dad. So much that dwelling on it too much makes me want to cry. So I’ll skip to the part where I got cranky with him.
“You are just like a father to meddle in my love life,” I told him. “You knew I’d never leave Dusa’s clan if I was aware I was pregnant.”
Dad raised an eyebrow at me. “All the more reason to not tell you. Besides, Nang was too much of a troublemaker to allow you to remain near him.” He sighed. “Shalia, you aren’t even sure that Clan Dusa is the right one for you. You’ve told me that yourself. How could I let you stay with them and make a mistake?”
“I’m an adult. I’m allowed to make mistakes and have to live miserably with them for the rest of my life.”
Background laughter let me know the other two dads were listening. Nayun darted a fierce glare to one side and went back to me.
“My daughter, you are now a part of my culture. The child you carry is half-Kalquorian. You have consented to the lottery. That means doing things our way.”
I pursed my lips at him. “I hope the Empire realizes that at some point, we Earther girls are going to demand some pretty significant changes.”
Nayun finally chuckled. “I have no doubt of that. With the shackles of your church and government loosened, many of you are taking the new freedoms to heart and demanding even more.”
“Give us an inch—”
“And you’ll take a mile.” His smile turned sad. “Shalia, this is not easy for any of us. For the good of all, we are having to make sacrifices, Earther and Kalquorian alike.”
I looked at him closely. “I’ve asked you before, and you never gave me an answer. Who is she?”
That got more laughter from the background. Bitev walked into the vid shot behind Nayun and smiled. “Our daughter is quite observant.”
“No fool,” Rak agreed, off-vid. “She gets it from my side of the family.”
That cracked us all up. When everyone stopped laughing, I prodded, “So?”
“We clanned a Matara,” Bitev told me. “A wonderful, wonderful woman named Joelle.”
“Congratulations,” I said, stunned. I’d fully expected such a good bunch of men to find a lady who would appreciate them, but I was startled they’d clanned so quickly. “So where’s the lucky woman?”
“On her way to Kalquor,” Nayun said. His smile faltered. “She left a week ago. We miss her terribly even though we speak once a day. That’s what I meant about making sacrifices.”
Rak walked into view. “It was too dangerous for Joelle to remain here. We had to do what was right for her and you, my daughter. Do not be too hard on your Imdiko father when all he was doing was looking out for you.”
Bitev added, “We asked Joelle to check on you once she gets to Kalquor. She’s excited to meet you. I hope that is acceptable to you?”
“Well, of course. I was hoping to give my approval before you up and got yourselves clanned.” I was only half-teasing. “Sneaky dads.”
They grinned at me. “She makes us very happy,” Nayun said.
“I guess that will have to be good enough for me.” I cocked an eyebrow at them. I saw an opening to get retribution for my dads clanning a woman behind my back. “Are you planning to give me little brothers and sisters? Ooh, a whole bunch of Shalias! I can teach them all I know about getting into trouble. Won’t that be fun?”
“Joelle is too old for having babes, thank the ancestors.” Nayun winked at me. “I would not trade you for any other child, my daughter, but you are aging this old man very quickly.”
Rak scowled. “Please do find yourself a good clan, my daughter. Then allow us to give our approval.”
His expression got that distinctive no man is good enough for my daughter look.
Bitev added, “And don’t waste time vetting your candidates. The two years you have will pass quickly, faster than you think it will.”
“But there’s no rush if I have the baby,” I said. “The mother of a Kalquorian citizen doesn’t have to leave the Empire.”
Nayun’s shoulders drooped as Bitev and Rak exchanged a dark look. Yep, they all looked like exasperated dads. I got myself a good bunch to adopt me. They may not be getting it right, but they care ... and here I am, ready to be weepy again.
Nayun said, “Who the hell told you? Damn it, Shalia, don’t shut your heart off from what could be a wonderful match by waiting for Clan Dusa to come home and claim you.”
“It could be many years before they return to Kalquor,” Bitev reminded me. “Years your child will not have fathers to look to.”
“I never said I was waiting for Dusa’s clan to make me their Matara,” I pointed out. “I just think it’s important they get to see their child.”
“It may not be theirs,” Nayun said, trying to be severe and failing at it.
“It’s not theirs,” Rak interjected. “The child belongs to the fathers you choose for it. No other men.”
Bitev nodded his agreement. “It’s our way, my daughter. Having another clan intruding on the life of yours is a disastrous course. And how confusing would it be for the child?”
“Let Dusa, Esak, and Weln go, Shalia.” Nayun said this very gently. “I know it hurts. I know you don’t understand it yet. But it’s best for them, you, and your child.”
I knew they were trying to advise me as best they could. I knew they wanted only the best for me. I’m beginning to understand that Kalquorian men are a bunch of well-meaning macho jerks who we Earther women will have to fix. They are exasperating, but I happen to love this particular trio too much to take offense.
I managed a conciliatory smile. “You make a good case for it. I have plenty to think about it.”
“You’ll com when you make your decision about the child?” Nayun asked.
“I’ll tell you first.” I blew the group a kiss. “Thanks for letting me bend your ears. I love you guys. Oh, make sure you give Joelle my com frequency. I need to get to know my stepmom.”
That earned me some grins. We yapped about a couple more things before we finally signed off.
Ah, Kalquorians. We are so similar but light years apart on the important issues sometimes. I understand they have their beliefs, but I think mine are just as valid. And I am the one who is pregnant. I have not changed my mind one iota about making Dusa’s clan a part of their child’s life if I have it.
January 7
Oh shit. I think I’m being stupid again. No, I KNOW I’m being stupid again. Idiot me.
After my conversation with the dads yesterday, I decided to mosey on over to Betra’s office to bend his usually sympathetic ear too. I know he’ll be up front and honest with me, even if it goes against what the Empire wants. I needed that, not the paternalistic advice of well-meaning but clueless Kalquorians.
When I got to his office, he was stepping out. “Hello Shalia,” Betra said. He actually seemed happy to see me. Poor fool. “What can I do for you?” he asked after a good look at my expression.
Only then did I note the time. Betra is always on call for his ten wards, but it was the end of the regular shift. I didn’t want him doing overtime because I was having a drama moment. So I said, “Ah, it’s nothing that won’t wait. Get out of here and eat your dinner.”
He cocked his head to one side. “My dinner can wait, especially since I’ve gotten to know that look you’re wearing on your face. What’s going on?”
“It’s just me being me. Honestly, Betra, it’s not a big deal. I’ll stop by first thing in the morning. I promise.”
Betra blew out a breath and rolled his eyes. “Shalia, we’re going to have whatever conversation you need to have now.” Then he gave me a smile that softened the ragged edges of my poor worn-out heart. “I can compromise, however. Why don’t you have dinner with me and we’ll talk over that?”
That intrigued me. “Somewhere besides the Matara dining room?”
He nodded. “I’ll have our meals sent to my quarters. We’ll have a private dinner where you can pour out whatever your burden is. Though I can guess.”
I snorted. “My baby daddy issues.”
“Of course.”
I slipped my arm in his companionably. “Lead on, big guy. And promise you won’t throw your food at me when I go through my old song and dance again.”
Betra gave me a shocked look. “I never waste food.”
That made me laugh. We went to his room, which is located just outside the Matara section of the ship. It makes sense to have him close with him being at our beck and call 24/7.
Over my beloved pilchok and ronka, I told Betra about my conversation with my dads. I ended my tale of woe with, “Give me your honest opinion, Betra. Forget how things are usually done on Kalquor. Am I crazy to want my child to know his or her biological fathers?”
Betra thought long and hard about it. I was glad to see he really considered my concerns and didn’t just brush them aside. We ate in silence for some time, nearly clearing our plates when he finally spoke.
“Shalia, I’ve thought about this from every possible angle I can. Disregarding the way our society operates, I’ve come to a few conclusions, some of which are in opposition to each other. Some you won’t want to hear.”
I gazed into his purple eyes, eyes so much like those of my child’s father, whoever he was. I took a breath. “I asked for your honesty. Lay it on me.”
Betra nodded. “I can see the issue from your perspective. You shared something incredible with Clan Dusa. You love them. They love you. The child may be theirs, and that means something from anyone’s viewpoint, but especially yours since this was no casual encounter you had.”
“Exactly.” I was so happy to hear someone got how it felt.
My relief must have shown, because it made Betra grin widely at me before he sobered. “Okay, now here’s the part you’ll really hate to hear.”
“Oh boy.”
“I’ve put myself in the place of the men of Clan Dusa. I have imagined it is me being told I may have a child on the way, being carried by the woman I love.”
I tried to imagine that too. When I looked at it from that viewpoint, I started feeling a little ill. “A child I know I may never get to raise. That I’m not even welcome to see, given the way things work on Kalquor.”
Betra nodded. “Even if you get your way and you do manage to include Clan Dusa in the babe’s life, they would be forced to allow another clan to raise it. They might be able to watch it grow, but they do not get to make the decisions as to its upbringing. They have to watch you be a part of another clan as well.”
“But if I wait—”
“Then they’re stuck worrying for perhaps years that their child and you are without the care and protection of a clan. They will not see this as an opportunity to reclaim you, Shalia. They will feel guilty that you’ve taken this course. They may even attempt to clan another woman as soon as they can just to make you give up on them and find their child a parent clan.”
I scowled at Betra. “You don’t know that.”
“It’s what I would do.”
I stared at him. “You’re kidding, right?”
He shook his head. “Not at all. For the welfare of the woman I love and the child that might be mine, I would do what I thought best for them. You have to understand, this is the way we were raised. This is the belief that has been instilled in the men of Kalquor all our lives.”
“That is nuts,” I vented.
Betra smiled. “I know it is alien for you to contemplate not having Clan Dusa as a part of the baby’s future. However, it is alien to most of us that you would want such a thing. Why wait on a clan you aren’t completely sure of when there are other men wh
o will love you? Men who would accept your child to protect, guide, and cherish as they would their own?”
“This is normal for Kalquorian men?”
“It is for the few who find themselves in such a situation. We’ve been in decline for centuries, Shalia. The Empire concentrates on what it feels is best for the few Mataras and children we are blessed with. Men who have the most to offer step up and take on the roles of fathers. Men who have sired but can’t give their children the time, finances, and stability needed know to get out of the way when it grants a better opportunity for mother and babe.”
Shalia's Diary #3 Page 9
