I felt stunned. They really thought that way? Would Dusa and the others go to such lengths to make me do as they felt best? Even to the point of clanning another woman when their first year as a stable unit was up? I didn’t want to believe that, but there was no subterfuge on Betra’s face.
Seeing that I was getting the gist of the argument, Betra added, “You’re also forgetting a major issue in all this.”
I thought he’d given me enough bad crap to think over. “Which is?” I said with more than a little force.
“The child may not be Clan Dusa’s.”
I couldn’t hide from that. I pulled a face and propped my chin in my hand. The suckfest just kept rolling on.
Betra reached across the tiny table in his quarters to stroke my hair. “I know, I’m wrecking everything in your happy scenario. But you have to understand how much you’re complicating things, especially for the child.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to hear anymore, but I’d asked for this. “I guess it would be tough for a kid to have two parent clans, huh?”
“Especially if one of them has no business in the child’s life. That’s the other angle I looked at this from: the babe’s. Think on it from the worst-case viewpoint, Shalia. Your son or daughter is raised by one set of men. There is another set he’s told are his actual blood fathers. They flit in and out of his life, confusing his loyalties. Then he discovers they may not be related to them at all! What do you think that does to his head? How would you feel in his place?”
I knew how I’d feel. The scenario Betra painted was pretty fucked up, not to mention unfair to my child. My choices were to be wrong on the baby’s behalf or wrong in that Clan Dusa would never know their maybe-child.
“Damn it,” I said.
I’d been staring at my dinner plate. It blurred. Doubled. Trebled. I blinked and tears rained down on the few scraps of food left on it.
Betra leaned over. He plucked me from my seating cushion to cuddle me on his lap. He held and rocked me, holding me tight and keeping me warm and safe while I cried out my confusion.
I’d made a mess out of everything, making my unborn child a victim of my bad decisions. The only way I could right any of it was to either give birth and find it a good set of fathers or to give up the embryo to someone else and never see it again. None of those options included Dusa, Esak, and Weln. My selfish heart cried out against it.
I’d never felt so alone. Unfortunately, when I feel this way, I look for support in the worst way imaginable. The way I had with Commander Nang back on Earth. True to form, I did it again.
I lifted my face to find Betra looking down at me, his face tender with compassion. I let my need for the shelter of someone strong overcome my good sense. I strained upward so my lips met his. I kissed him.
He stilled, his entire body going rigid with tension. It made me realize what I was doing, but it was too late to back out. Even as I started to break the kiss, Betra’s lips moved against mine and he kissed back. My lips parted instinctively, and his tongue found mine. We melted into each other, giving and taking, clutching hard and kissing even harder.
We seemed to come to our senses at the same time, tearing ourselves apart. Thank goodness we’d been sitting on cushions on the floor, because I sprang back like I’d been confronted by a bear. Had we been on chairs, I would have busted my ass.
I crab-walked backwards to put space between us. We stared at each other, scarcely believing what had just happened.
I knew what had happened. I had screwed up yet again. Or was about to.
“I’m sorry, Betra,” I finally managed to say. “That was terribly inappropriate of me.”
“My apologies as well, Matara,” he said. “I should have better control than that.”
I got awkwardly to my feet, and he jumped up to help me. “I’m going to return to my quarters,” I told him.
“I’ll walk you.”
“No. Please don’t.”
“Shalia—”
I held out a hand to stop him. “I’m okay, Betra. I am. I need to have my space right now, though.”
He swallowed. “I am so sorry, Shalia.”
“I know. Me too.” I turned away from him and headed out the door. I needed to get away from Betra. For the seconds we’d clung to each other, he’d felt too damned good. I needed space so I didn’t try to make more out of that kiss than it had been.
What is with me? Am I so weak that I can’t stand to be without a man in my life? No sooner had I acknowledged that I might really and truly have to let Dusa, Esak, and Weln go than I jumped on the first convenient man I could find. I immediately tried to fill the emptiness that threatened. That I found Betra attractive, that I consider him a friend, only made me quicker to the false shelter of his arms.
Crap. I haven’t got any sense whatsoever.
January 8
Have I mentioned lately that I’m an idiot? An unmitigated fool? I have? Good, let me say it again.
I am an utter ass.
After all the stupid shit with Nang, after getting pregnant and not knowing who the father is, I have not learned one damned thing. Not. One. Damned. Thing.
After a mostly sleepless night thinking about how up close and personal I’d been with Betra, I got up this morning. I dealt with the light morning sickness by taking a shower and doing my best to ignore it. By the time I was scrubbed clean, it had passed. I could contemplate the thought of a piece of toast and maybe a little juice.
Dumb Mistake Number One Billion: I was wondering what to wear today when my door announce went off. My back was to the door, and I had a towel wrapped around me. Thinking it would be Candy and Katrina stopping by to see if I was conscious yet, I called, “Enter,” without bothering to verify it was my friends.
The door hissed open behind me. Light footsteps came in and stopped. I heard the door hum closed again, but no one spoke.
I turned with a blouse in my hands, already yapping. “Hey, I was just getting dressed—”
I froze and shut up. Betra stood feet away, his face thunderstruck as he looked at me still dripping and wearing only a towel. A towel that chose that very fucking moment to untuck and fall off me. I do not lie ... I am the walking embodiment of Murphy’s Law. This law states, “If a man you are attracted to and have no business having sex with comes upon you wearing only a towel, that towel will fall right the fuck off in front of him.” And if Murphy’s Law doesn’t say that, it damned well should.
Betra’s eyes went so wide open I thought they might fall out of his head. His jaw tried to crash through the floor. Meanwhile, I was so stunned I could only stand there staring back at him.
Dumb Mistake Number One Billion and One.
By the time I recovered my senses enough to drop the blouse I was holding and swoop towards the floor to retrieve my towel, it was too late. Betra had me in his arms. He kissed me and my ridiculous nymphomaniac brain short-circuited.
What can I say? It felt good to be held again. Hell, it felt better than good. It felt amazing. I’d been kissed with raw passion before, but never as desperately as Betra kissed me this morning. His tongue surged in my mouth as if he’d die for want of me. I responded to it, to the frantic grip he held me with, to the forceful, agonized way he plumbed my mouth. He acted as if after the initial taste he’d never be satisfied again. He even moaned as he kissed me, like he was begging me to not stop him, that it would kill him if I did.
I didn’t try. All the hurt of leaving Dusa, Esak, and Weln behind and of realizing we had a damned slim chance of ever reuniting exploded in my heart right then. I felt like I was drowning and had only Betra to keep me afloat. So I grabbed onto him and hung on for all I was worth, kissing him with as much needfulness as he showed me.
Super-Duper Dumb Mistake Number One Billion and Two.
I’m not sure when we made it to the bed. We were just suddenly there. I’m guessing my Imdiko liaison carried me. He must have sprinted for it.
I clawed at his uniform, pul
ling the front seam open to get at his wide, muscled chest. From there, it became a wild melee of us rolling around, grabbing at each other, yanking at his clothes to get him naked, kissing each other all over as well as biting like a couple of animals. I think we went temporarily insane for a few minutes.
The only thing that spoke of lucidity was that Betra managed to prepare me for anal penetration. He shoved his fingers in my pussy and fucked me hard with them for a few seconds, collecting my juices as I jerked and bucked beneath him. He never said a word, he just growled as fierce as Esak had ever been. For an Imdiko, he was a savage thing. Then he shoved his dripping fingers up my ass, stretching me open in preparation for his cock.
Meanwhile I grabbed hold of him, pumping both his cocks to make his muscles cord and veins pop out. He was so slick with the lubricant pouring out that it was actually hard to keep my hands on him. He kept sliding out of my grip as he worked me with one hand, squeezed my breasts with the other, and licked and nipped every inch of skin he could get to. Betra was a beast, but then again, so was I. It was a miracle neither of us drew blood.
Then he was on top of me, pressing his cocks against my pussy and ass. Shoving them in. Making me take him. It was the kind of glorious hurt I’d enjoyed before with my other Kalquorian lovers, and though I squalled in pain, I fought to impale myself on him at the same time. It makes no sense to say this, because the last thing I need is to be fucking another damned alien I can’t clan. Yet I needed Betra. Yes, I NEEDED him.
We didn’t make love. We fucked. Pure and simple, we fucked the living hell out of one another. I fought to take some control and have Betra the way I wanted, but he wouldn’t stand for it. He held me hard against that wide chest, not letting me move against him. His hips pounded against me, shoving his dicks deep inside. The friction was crazy hot, making me kick and claw him in reaction. I was in heaven to have a Kalquorian inside me once more, making me overly full with two thick cocks that hit every sweet spot I possessed. Carnal heat rose so scorching that I was sure we’d catch on fire. Within seconds my pussy had started shallow convulsions, tiny preludes to the big blast. It pulled at Betra’s primary cock, coaxing him to fuck me harder and faster, to make us both come. I wrapped my legs around his flexing ass, squeezing to yank him in even deeper.
His face burrowed against my neck. I turned my face away, giving him more room to sink his fangs into me. He bit. The pain stabbed, a fierce brightness amid the chaotic tumult the rest of me was in.
I exploded. Ecstasy rolled through my body, bursting me at the seams. I know I screamed, but I didn’t hear myself do it. All my focus was on the torrid streaming of electric bliss pouring through my being. While I acknowledge fucking Betra was probably not a smart decision, it felt damned fine right then and there. In that moment, the only thing I knew was rhapsodic pleasure. All my pain and anger disappeared for a few precious seconds, giving me peace despite the tumult of orgasm.
As I rode the simmering waves back down to myself, Betra’s breath caught. His face tightened with strain. An instant later his moans rang out as he filled me with pulse after pulse of release. I guess it had been a long time since he’d been with anyone, because that man came longer than any male I’d ever seen. Even after his body turned lax and his weight sank down on me, I could still feel his cocks twitch and jerk.
As my torn thoughts slowly knit themselves together, I realized what I’d let happen. Again. Even the euphoria of Betra’s intoxicating bite wasn’t enough to mask my stupidity from me. At least Betra didn’t seem too pleased with himself either.
“Damn it,” he breathed, his head turned so I couldn’t look into his face. “I came here to apologize again for kissing you last night. I didn’t show up to seduce you. To – to have sex. But when I saw you there, wet and wearing almost nothing – and then you really were wearing nothing – I had to have you.”
I didn’t say anything. What excuse did I have?
Betra finally looked at me. His expression was one of torment. “I’m sorry. That was not what I intended to happen. I swear to you, I did not mean to lose control.”
I sighed. “Don’t beat yourself up, Betra. It’s not like I tried to get you to stop.” I shook my head. “What is it with me that I have to screw a man when I’m feeling alone?”
He offered me a half smile. “Because being alone sucks, to use your Earther vernacular. That endless emptiness is the most awful thing in the universe.”
“You sound like you know a lot about it.”
“I do.” Betra huffed a breath. “If I didn’t find sex with other men so off-putting, I could be a lot happier. I’m sick of being lonely, Shalia. I’m sick of it.”
“But not sick enough of it to take a cock up your ass.”
He stared at me for a moment then burst into laughter. He kept laughing for a long time until tears poured down his cheeks. I grinned at him, glad to have taken that flash of angst from him. Poor guy.
Finally he calmed down. “No, I’m not to that point yet.” He sobered again, but the smile remained put, thank goodness. “Now what do we do?”
“You are asking the wrong woman,” I sighed. “I have all these good, noble intentions that I keep screwing up no matter how hard I try to do the right thing. My notion is to say let’s be friends and put this behind us, but I’m afraid the moment I do, we’ll be going at it again.”
Fucking Murphy’s Law.
Betra nodded. “I have to admit, I’d hate for this tempestuous romp to be the only example of how I make love. I can do more than just hump like an animal.” He reddened. “And I can last a good deal longer.”
“You men. Always worried about your performance.” I gave him a peck on the lips. “Quick and dirty has its place too. You don’t hear me complaining, do you?”
He grinned. “No, but they might have heard you yelling two levels up.”
I rolled my eyes. “You are not allowed to brag.”
We never did come to a decision about where our ‘relationship’ stands. We haven’t agreed to have sex again. We haven’t agreed to not have sex either. One thing is for certain: I am not going to lose my heart to this guy. In the end all it will do is get me hurt, and I’ve had more than enough of that.
January 9
I told Candy and Katrina about my wild time with Betra. True to form, Katrina cheered me on. “How was he? He is so delicious looking,” she enthused.
“Good Lord, Katrina, I’m not going to give you the dirty details,” I snorted. “But I will tell you he was as good as he looks.” I had to give credit where it was due.
She gave me a long, searching look. "How are you with this unexpected romp? I doubt you've gotten over Clan Dusa, Shalia. You've been carrying that torch with so much angst, I'm not about to believe you're letting those boys go."
It was a bit odd to have Katrina turn serious about sex. My heart warmed at her obvious concern. "I don't know where my head is precisely," I admitted. "I'm trying to do the right thing, especially where the baby's concerned. That's assuming I decide to have it. I'm still sorting it all out."
“How do you feel about Betra?” she prodded. “That's important too.”
“I'm not head over heels, if that's what you're asking. I like him. He's a sweetheart. He deserves a little happiness, especially since it looks like he will never join a clan. Although I'm not quite sure he's going to find anything remotely near joy with me,” I added a bit sheepishly. Poor Betra could do a hell of a lot better than my messed-up ass.
There was a note of warning in Katrina's tone. “Shalia, you just made an important point. Betra is not clanned with anyone. Chances are, he never will be. You cannot fall in love with another Kalquorian that you have no chance of keeping.”
I blinked at her in surprise. “I don't plan to fall in love with Betra. That's the last thing I want. I think my heart's been shredded enough.”
“So long as you keep that in mind.” Katrina smiled a little sadly. “You remind me of my youngest daughter with your rela
tionship troubles. When she first dated as a teenager, the world ended and began again depending on whether or not she was breaking up with a young man or finding someone new. You have that same tendency to ride an emotional rollercoaster.”
I sighed. “As a teenager, huh? I guess I'm a little behind.”
“How much did you date back on Earth?”
I shook my head. “I didn't. The first time I was molested, I was only fourteen. I never trusted men after that, and they seemed to go out of their way to prove they weren't worth the effort.”
Katrina shook her head. “No wonder you're such a mess when it comes to relationships. You're just now having your first experiences. Chin up, sweetie. You'll figure it out. Just give yourself time. Oh, and don't fall in love with Betra. Fuck him silly, but don't give him your heart.”
Shalia's Diary #3 Page 10
