For Chris Anderson,
To add to your collection.
CONTENTS
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
CREDITS PAGE
COPYRIGHT
ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
PROLOGUE
The Astoundingly Unbelievable Secret Origin of Ordinary Boy
Sure, it sounds like a great opening title, but the reality is, well … I’m ordinary. I know you’re thinking, “What’s the big deal? So are most people. That’s why it’s called being ordinary.” The problem is, I live in a place where absolutely no one is ordinary. It’s called Superopolis, and, as you might guess with a name like that, this is a city where everyone has some sort of superpower.
Nobody knows why everyone here has a power. Maybe it’s something in the water. Or maybe there’s a radioactive meteor buried under the city. Everyone here also eats a lot of potato chips, but I doubt that has anything to do with it. Whatever the cause, it clearly has no effect on me.
You’re probably wondering by now what my real name is. Well, I’m wondering, too. You see, in Superopolis, everyone’s name has something to do with his or her superpower. It doesn’t take too long before a baby starts showing some sort of power—like being able to float, for instance. Then the parents will probably start calling him Floating Baby. They may come up with something a little more original if they happen to be clever—but, frankly, most people aren’t. Then, when he gets older, he’ll become Floating Boy, and as an adult he’ll be known as Floating Man. Get it? That’s what happened to me. My parents waited around a long time to give me a name, but all they could say about me was “He’s so ordinary.” So it stuck, and Ordinary Boy I am.
This is my entry in the Li’l Hero’s Handbook . Inspiring, isn’t it? In spite of what it says about me (which I have to admit is basically correct), the handbook is really pretty fantastic. It gives all sorts of handy information on the people, places, and things of Superopolis. I carry it with me constantly.
NAME: Ordinary Boy. POWER: None. LIMITATIONS: Where do we begin? CAREER: Currently enrolled in Watson Elementary; member of the Junior Leaguers. CLASSIFICATION: Unique among Superopolitans, Ordinary Boy’s lack of any power earns him our sympathy.
As the handbook makes abundantly clear, everyone here, except for me, has a superpower. The thing is, though, they only have one power. You won’t find some guy who can fly and has X-ray vision and is strong enough to lift a truck. It just doesn’t work that way. It’s one power and one power only. Sadly, just as with looks, talent, and brains, the powers that people end up with are hardly equal.
Some folks have an awesome power, like the Amazing Indestructo, who can’t be harmed by anything. And I mean anything! There isn’t even some goofy, arbitrary substance—like, say, cottage cheese—that he’s vulnerable to. He’s the leader of Superopolis’s most popular group of superheroes, the League of Ultimate Goodness. We never hear much about the other members because the Amazing Indestructo gets all the attention.
On the other hand, there are plenty of people who have powers that are less impressive, like this kid in my class named Puddle Boy. He can create puddles wherever he wants, but who cares? And, to be honest, I’m not entirely certain what those puddles are even made of. Ick! Some things are better left unknown.
Most powers fall somewhere in between, like the Green Thumb, who can make plants grow instantly and owns a successful landscaping business here in
NAME: Amazing Indestructo, The. POWER: Invulnerable to all harm. LIMITATIONS: None. Oh, to be so perfect! CAREER: Leader of the League of Ultimate Goodness for nearly twenty-five years. CLASSIFICATION: Superopolis’s greatest hero.*
*SELF-PROCLAIMED.
Superopolis. Even the folks with a lesser power usually find some way to make a living off it. After all, not everyone can grow up to become a crime-fighting superhero—although, of course, that’s what every kid in Superopolis wants to be.
As babies, our silk diapers double as our first costumes. By the time we’re walking we’ve begun wearing tights; and once we reach school age, accessories like capes, belts, and masks have become part of every kid’s wardrobe. Even the people who don’t go on to careers as crime fighters still wear a costume of some kind. Except for me. Since I don’t have any kind of power at all, I usually just wear jeans and a T-shirt.
As it says in my profile, I’m part of a team called the Junior Leaguers. It includes Halogen Boy, who glows brighter depending on the amount of apple juice he’s been drinking; Tadpole, who can stick his tongue out as far as twenty feet; Plasma Girl, who can turn herself into this goopy jelly-like substance—and then there’s Stench. Everything about this guy is strong, especially … well, I’ll bet you can gas—uh, I mean guess from his name.
I’d like to say that we’re always out battling the forces of evil, but the truth is we spend most of our time hanging around our secret headquarters, eating potato chips and reading the latest comic book adventures of the Amazing Indestructo. Despite the fact that I’m ordinary, they still treat me like a full member of the team.
I’m not sure why I’m so ordinary. Both of my parents have superpowers. My dad, Thermo, is able to make his hands incredibly hot. It may not sound like much of a power, but he can do some amazing things. Lately, he’s been trying to become a member of the League of Ultimate Goodness, but he keeps getting turned down. I don’t know why. He’d be more useful than most of the current members.
My mom’s power is even cooler. And I mean that literally. She can freeze anything just by staring at it really hard. Her name is Snowflake. Sometimes I wonder if their powers canceled each other out when they had me.
Of course, when they were younger, my parents spent most of their time fighting crime. After all, that’s what people with superpowers do—at least until they realize they have to get real jobs. Just like any town, ours has some people who aren’t very nice. Only here, those people have superpowers, too, which I guess makes them supervillains. It makes sense. You can’t really be a superhero if you don’t have any villains to battle.
The worst of them is a guy named Professor BrainDrain. Like his name implies, he can boost his own brain power by draining the intelligence of others. In Superopolis, this can be a big problem since a lot of people here don’t exactly have an excess of smarts to begin with. After all, who needs brains when you have a superpower? Professor Brain-Drain uses his super-smarts to devise all sorts of devious schemes. Luckily, the Amazing Indestructo never fails to foil
his plans, which is just one of the reasons he’s hands down my number one all-time favorite hero.
SUPEROPOLIS
The City of Heroes! Superopolis is bordered on the east by the Ornery Ocean and on the west by the impassable Carbunkle Mountains. The exact date that the city was settled is unknown, due in large measure to a complete lack of curiosity on the part of Superopolis’s citizens. Current residents consider it the perfect place to live and raise families—despite alarmingly frequent volcanic and seismic activity in the area. For an overall view of the city and its environs, please consult the map at the beginning of this book.
CHAPTER ONE
The Cavities of Doom
The Amazing Indestructo sniffed the air as if he could actually smell the odor of evil wafting through the skies of Superopolis. His head tilted one way—and paused—and then the other, revealing both of his perfect profiles. Then the rocket pack on his back burst into life, and he shot into the air like a pillar of fire.
He was only airborne for a matter of seconds before he spotted his quarry. The Brain-Drain Blimp! It looked almost peaceful as it hovered silently above the rooftops of Superopolis’s warehouse district. But the Amazing Indestructo wasn’t fooled by its pleasingly puffy shape. He knew evil lurked on board. And sure enough, as he watched, the blimp landed and Professor Brain-Drain’s minions began unloading hundreds of cases of pilfered property. The Amazing Indestructo spoke into his wrist walkie-talkie.
“Attention, members of the League of Ultimate Goodness,” he announced. “I have discovered where Brain-Drain is hiding the stolen tubes of McCavity’s Ultra-Paste Tooth Whitener. I’m going in after him.”
He turned and looked right into the camera as he said this and flashed his own perfectly white teeth. A moment later, the scene cut to a commercial.
Wow! I thought to myself. What I wouldn’t give to be soaring through the air with Superopolis’s greatest hero. Instead, I had to settle for sitting on the couch on a Saturday morning in my Amazing Indestructo pajamas, watching The Amazing Adventures of the Amazing Indestructo (and the League of Ultimate Goodness). And, no, there isn’t anything wrong with my typing. That’s about the size of the credit that the rest of the league usually gets.
This morning’s episode was a new one. In it, AI (that’s what we real fans call him for short) was trying to save Superopolis from his greatest enemy, Professor Brain-Drain, who had stolen the city’s entire supply of toothpaste.
Brain-Drain is always trying to either take over or destroy Superopolis. He seems to change his mind from week to week as to which one he would rather do. In this week’s episode the Professor had so far succeeded with his plan, and everyone’s teeth had started to rot away. Everyone’s except the Amazing Indestructo’s, of course!
As in most episodes, the other members of the League of Ultimate Goodness were helpless (this time because of loose teeth and really bad breath). There are currently ten of them, but usually only five appear in an episode. They always try to help and as the show returned, that’s exactly what they were doing.
“The Amazing Indestructo needs us,” announced the Crimson Creampuff. “We have to hurry to his aid.”
“Whoo-wee! Shurin’ if yer breath ain’t enough to bring down a whole heap o’ bad guys,” said Whistlin’ Dixie. “And ma two front choppers are wigglin’ so fierce I ken barely whistle in tune. I say we go help round up the varmint what done this!”
“Why bother?” groaned Major Bummer. “We’ve all got to go sometime. It might as well be from halitosis.”
This was pretty typical of Major Bummer. He was always depressed and gloomy. I suppose that’s how he got his name—although it might also have something to do with his really big butt.
“I could try tunneling my way there,” proposed the Moleman, “except my molars are killing me.”
“I can immobilize the Professor with my coils of spaghetti,” proclaimed Spaghetti Man. The truth is, a ninety-year-old grandmother could break out of the limp noodles he produces from his fingertips.
“That’s the attitude, leaguers,” said the Crimson Creampuff as he slammed a fist into his hand and then winced in pain. “The Amazing Indestructo needs us and it’s time for us to come to his aid!”
Meanwhile, AI had decided to storm Professor Brain-Drain’s secret hideout single-handedly. Without hesitation he zoomed straight to the top of the building where the Brain-Drain Blimp was tethered. He crashed through the roof and came face-to-face with his greatest enemy.
“You fiend,” he said, as he stood amidst the smoke and dust. “Your plot to deny the people of Superopolis the whitening advantage of McCavity’s Ultra-Paste Tooth Whitener is at an end.”
And there, standing calmly amid thousands of cases of McCavity’s toothpaste, was that supervillain of all supervillains, Professor Brain-Drain—or at least the actor who played him. All the other characters on the show play themselves, but Professor Brain-Drain is always an actor. The funny thing is it never seems to be the same actor. Last week’s Brain-Drain had a high-pitched voice. The one before that actually had some hair. This newest one, I noticed, had a big mole on his nose.
I grabbed my copy of the Li’l Hero’s Handbook and quickly flipped to the entry on Professor Brain-Drain.
The picture was of a man significantly older than the guy on TV, and there was definitely no mole on his nose. Well, if he’s retired, I guess it made sense that he doesn’t play himself. Of course, his tendency to drain people’s intelligence and be superevil may have been a factor as well. I set the handbook back down just as the actor playing the Professor began to speak.
“Ah, the Amazing Indestructo.” The egghead of evil chortled. (This was the first Brain-Drain who chortled—most of them cackled.) “I expected you would be coming.”
“Your vile plan will never work,” responded AI. “I’m here to see that Superopolis will once again experience the amazing benefits of McCavity’s Ultra-Paste.”
“On the contrary,” Professor Brain-Drain corrected. “Without access to McCavity’s, the people of Super-opolis will soon see their teeth rotting and falling out of their mouths. With no teeth, they won’t be able to eat. In their starved, weakened states, it will be easy for me to drain the intelligence from every citizen of Superopolis, absorbing it all into my own brain. I’ll become a supergenius!”
How incredibly evil! I was so horrified by BrainDrain’s nasty plot that I ignored how little sense it made. Thank goodness AI was there!
NAME: Professor Brain-Drain. POWER: The ability to enhance his own intelligence by draining the intelligence of others. LIMITATIONS: Has a tendency to overthink things. CAREER: Superopolis’s most successful criminal mastermind for over fifty years. The Professor has been in semiretirement for over a decade. CLASSIFICATION: A major power and a twisted brain make for a lethal combination. His recent inactivity is greatly appreciated.
“You obviously didn’t count on me,” the Amazing Indestructo proclaimed as he bared his brilliant (and indestructible) white teeth.
“Of course I did,” replied the Professor matter-of-factly as he pulled a metal box from his lab coat and punched a button on it. “And now I’d like to introduce you to my latest invention. I call them my Robotic Rabbits, and I suggest you be particularly wary of their atomic incisors.”
Dozens of metallic bunny rabbits suddenly appeared from all directions. These weren’t your ordinary metallic bunnies, either. These bunnies were almost six feet tall! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, their front teeth were enormous! In fact, they looked like they could cut through a steel beam. The Amazing Indestructo remained as cool as an indestructible cucumber.
“Is that the best you can do?” he taunted the Professor.
Before the nemesis of niceness could even respond, the Amazing Indestructo picked up the closest Robotic Rabbit by the feet and began swinging it around in a circle. As the others rushed to attack they found themselves being smashed and pulverized. By the time AI stopped his spinning, the rabb
it he was holding had been reduced to a blunt hunk of metal. A lot of the attackers had been reduced to pieces as well. But others were still unharmed and not only that, more were joining them every second. In fact, they seemed to be multiplying like … well, rabbits!
They swarmed toward AI, and the ones that made it to him began to gnaw at him with their atomic teeth.
“This has no effect on me.” AI laughed at Professor Brain-Drain. “Have you forgotten I’m indestructible?”
“Curses! You’re right!” the Professor responded.
I find it a bit hard to believe that a genius like Professor Brain-Drain could actually forget something that obvious, but, then again, I guess there wouldn’t be a show if he didn’t forget it every week.
One by one, the Robotic Rabbits attempted to sink their teeth into the Amazing Indestructo, and one by one, each of their heads exploded. Before long, Professor Brain-Drain’s lair was littered with metallic bits of bunnies. The Amazing Indestructo calmly waded through the debris, grabbed the Professor by the collar, and hoisted him into the air.
Just then, who should arrive but the League of Ultimate Goodness. The Crimson Creampuff, huffing and puffing, led the group into the warehouse.
“Here”—huff puff—“we”—huff puff—“are,” he wheezed. “Is there anything”—huff puff—“we can do to”—huff puff—“help?”
Without waiting for instruction, Spaghetti Man lashed out at one of the headless Robotic Rabbits, spinning strands of spaghetti around its immobile body. The lifeless robot tipped over, and the strands of pasta broke easily, so it came crashing to the ground.
“Where’s everybody else?” asked the Amazing Indestructo.
“Well now, pardner,” replied Whistlin’ Dixie, “Moleman is diggin’ his way here. I reckon he’ll be pop-pin’ up in pret’ near three hours. And Major Bummer is still in the heliocopter, tryin’ to get his seat belt undone. If yer int’rested in ma ’pinion, I ’spect the best thing we all could do is get this here McCavity’s Ultra-Paste back out to the desperate folk o’ Superopolis.”
The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy, Book One: The Hero Revealed Page 1
