“I’ve been chasing Mama’s dreams for me since the day she died. I’d never wanted to settle until I’d made her proud…until I’d become a success.”
“What does success really mean?” Leo ran a finger across his lower lip while keeping his eyes on the traffic.
It was a stupid question, so I didn’t bother answering. Everyone knew what success meant…and I was so far from reaching it, it was a joke.
He glanced at my frown, a half-smile tugging on his lips.
“Because to me, success is living a life that I love, being with someone that I love. Money and fame are worthless. They can be there one day and gone the next, but love—that’s there through thick and thin, and that’s the only thing you should really be fighting for. Being happy with what you have…that’s success.”
My heart stopped beating for a second, my dry mouth taking a minute to find its voice. “I’ve never heard anyone talk that way before.”
He shrugged, throwing me a rueful smile. “Believe me, it took me a long time to figure that one out.”
“All I ever wanted to do was make Mama proud. I thought being rich and famous would do that.”
“Look, I didn’t know your mum, Rachel, but I’m sure she was proud.”
I scoffed. “I doubt she’d be proud of my recent choices.”
“She’d be proud you’re getting out of it. Now that I’m a parent, I know that feeling of just wanting your kids to be happy. That’s all you want, really. If you’re happy, she’s happy.”
“I ain’t happy yet.”
“You’ll get there. You just need to figure out what makes you shine…and follow that dream.” He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. “I’ve got a song for this moment.”
I didn’t know what he meant by that, but kept my mouth shut as he pulled out his phone and plugged it in. He waited until we were stopped at the lights before he found the song and pressed play, grinning at me like an excited schoolboy.
I’d never heard it before, but I liked the sound.
“What song is this?”
“‘Permission to Shine’ by Bachelor Girl.”
Closing my eyes, I let the words seep into me, enjoying the soft, hopeful melody. I wasn’t sure if the song fit me perfectly, but I liked the idea of shining…and shining my way, not half-naked on a stage but holding my guitar and strumming out a song to people I cared about.
My eyes popped open, that lightbulb coming on so bright it was blinding.
I’d had that.
I’d had my stage, my love…a life I wanted.
According to Leo—success.
If only I’d realized at the time that it was enough.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Josh
The bar had been quiet the last few weeks…or maybe it was just me. I couldn’t crack a smile if I tried. I was dead on the inside, and nothing could pull me out of the slump I’d fallen into. Brock was trying to kick my ass out of it, but I wasn’t ready. I’d never felt sadness like it. A weight sat within me, dragging me down while images of my girl dolled up like a prostitute ran on repeat in my brain. She chose that over me. I’d been such a fool, believing she’d loved me all along, but I’d just been a stop along the way.
I rubbed the glass clean and popped it on the shelf behind me. It was close to closing, but the bar already sat empty. It was a Wednesday—my quietest night of the week, so I wasn’t that surprised. Rachel usually sang on a Wednesday, and I had yet to replace her. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and the jukebox didn’t seem to be cutting it on that particular night either. There was no big game on, so my few regulars went home early. I guess my morose mood brought them down, and they trickled out the door an hour before closing. I let Melody go early, too, leaving me to do the clean-up on my own. I didn’t mind. I wasn’t enjoying the company anyway. I’d even sent Uncle Amos off traveling again. He’d been pretty reluctant to go but I’d barked him out the door, and he knew he wouldn’t budge me. I was the kind of man to heal on my own, and in my own sweet time.
Duke grumbled at my feet. I’d let him back in, seeing no one was around anyway, but then he stood and barked, letting me know someone was on their way. The main door opened, and I was about to turn and tell the patron we were closed, but that would have been a lie…besides, when I saw her walking in, I lost my voice anyway.
I had no idea who she was, but she had a look about her that had me intrigued. I clicked my fingers and sent Duke out back. He whined but did as he was told, smacking his lips together as he went.
The girl was dressed in skinny jeans and a black leather jacket. She wore thick, army-style boots and carried a black motorcycle helmet under her arm. Her long, dark waves of hair were a tangled mess, her large brown eyes soaked in sadness. She was cute though, with her round face and her button nose with the little silver piercing. There was a sweetness about her, but it was tinged with an overriding despair I connected with immediately.
She was a skinny thing, reminding me a little of Rachel as she slid onto the stool and gave me a tight smile. I figured she must have been a teenager. Her face was too fresh, her skin too young to be much older than twenty.
“What can I get for you?”
“A drink,” she muttered, digging into her jacket pocket and pulling out some rumpled bills.
“You got ID?”
“It won’t do me no good.”
I gave her a half-grin, trying to figure out where she might be from. Her drawl wasn’t as thick as most folks around Payton. She almost had a city twang marking her words. It had me curious.
I pressed my palms against the counter and shook my head. “I can’t serve you liquor.”
Her eyes flashed with defiance as she met my gaze head-on. “I ain’t asking for liquor. Just give me a Coke.”
Keeping my eye on her, I snatched a glass and threw some ice in before filling it to the brim with Coca-Cola. “How old are you?” I placed the glass in front of her.
She took it with a heavy sigh. “Nineteen.”
“And what are you doing in Payton?”
Her eyes grew distant for a second, that despair swamping her for a long moment before she finally shrugged. “Just passing through.”
She looked lost…alone, and I understood the feeling.
Leaning against the counter, I rested my forearms along the beveled edge. “I’m Josh.”
Her smile was soft and fleeting. “People call me Ness.”
“Is that your real name?”
“It’s the one I like.” She sipped at her Coke.
“So, Ness, where are you passing through to?”
She shrugged. “I’ve got no idea.”
“You from around here?”
“I grew up in Mississippi, but moved to Chicago when I was thirteen.”
“That where you coming from?”
She shook her head. “I’ve been in the City o’ Angels.”
I scoffed. I couldn’t help it. As far as I could tell, I ain’t seen no angels in LA.
A spike of anger burned through me and I leaned away from her, tapping my fingers on the counter. Part of me wanted to leave her to her drink, head back into the kitchen and finish off the last of the cleaning, but I couldn’t do it.
She looked so sad. She needed to talk, and I was the only one around to listen.
With a sigh, I ran my fingers through my hair and asked her, “So, what are you running from?”
Her big brown gaze hit me for a moment, all glassy and wet before dropping back to the drink in her hand. Her jaw clenched tight, and she swallowed then whispered, “Love.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Rachel
I spent the afternoon playing with Angel until she went down for a nap, and then I casually chatted to Jody about everything from music to the fact her sister was marrying a film star. Leo popped through the door mid-afternoon and beckoned me to follow him. I shot Jody a confused frown, but she just shrugged and tittered, turning back to the pile of laundry I’d b
een helping her fold.
I followed him to the studio apartment but didn’t close the door behind us. Angel tottered through every now and again, and I knew she’d want to check things out when she woke.
Leo grinned at me before jogging across the room and lifting a shiny guitar from behind the piano.
“Here’s a little gift from me to you.” He held it out, and I stood there like a frozen fool.
He chuckled. “Aren’t you going to take it?”
“You can’t be buying me a guitar. You’ve done too much already.”
“Would you just accept it, please? I can’t have you living without a guitar after seeing you weep over the last one you lost. I know it’s not from your mum, so it can never mean as much, but…” He sighed. “Look, we both know your mother wants you to have it.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, wagging my finger. “Don’t you be pulling out the mama card. That ain’t fair.”
He gave me a cheeky grin and stepped toward me. “If it makes you feel any better, it was Jody’s idea. Now don’t be stubborn. You know you have to take it.”
“I thought it was too quiet in here this afternoon. Jody said you were working.”
“I was. I was working on finding you the perfect guitar.”
I tried biting back my grin, but it was pointless. Stepping forward on hesitant feet, I gently lifted it from his hands, a sense of awe riding through me as I ran my fingers over the shiny black exterior.
Resting on the arm of the couch, I pulled it against me and found my fingering. A smile brushed my lips as I strummed a few chords. It was pretty well tuned, and I only had to tweak one string before I was happy.
“You’re smiling.” Leo grinned. “It’s a great feeling, right? Getting lost in the music.”
I tucked a springy curl behind my ear and gave him an impish grin. “I love it.” I brushed my nails over the strings, the comforting sound making me warm down to my toes.
Leo rested his butt on the piano stool. “I get that same sensation every time I press down on these ivories.” The piano trilled as he raced the back of his fingers up the keys.
I chuckled. The expression on his face was adorable. He settled properly into his seat and started playing a sweet tune. For some reason, I recognized it. I don’t know where I’d heard it before, but it seemed to suit him perfectly. I think the song was called “Music,” and his voice sounded fantastic rising and falling over the melody. I shuffled my guitar and got ready, grinning widely when the faster pace kicked in. I strummed along with him. He called out the chords to me, and we laughed together as we fluffed our way through it.
The song was cut short by tottering steps we only just heard. In fact, I saw her before I heard her. Blond curls and ruddy red cheeks appeared beside me. Angel’s wide blue eyes were sparkling. She gave me a cute grin before toddling over to her father. He lifted her onto his lap, kissing her cheek and winking at me.
“Nice playing.” Leo grinned over her head.
I laughed.
“Ting!” Angel raised her chubby little arms in the air, nearly smacking Leo in the nose. He ducked out the way just in time. “Ting!” she yelled again.
Leo grabbed her hands and gently lowered them before smiling at my confused frown. “She wants you to sing.”
“Oh! Okay.” I wriggled my butt on the armrest, trying to think of something good. Glancing at Angel’s cheerful face, I couldn’t think of any other song but “Happy Girl.”
I tapped my heel in the air and started strumming. A smile stretched my mouth wide when I started singing. Angel clapped her hands and squealed. I let my voice take over and went for it, closing my eyes and loving the feel of singing my thing, my way.
Halfway through the song, Angel wiggled out of Leo’s arms and jumped off the stool, dancing in a little circle as only a toddler can. I started to laugh, chuckling my way through the second chorus. I managed to pull myself together and ended the song with a flourish. Leo joined in Angel’s clapping and then pulled her back onto his knee. He rested his chin on the top of her head and smiled at me. “You were just shining.”
My cheeks grew hot with a blush, and I dipped my head.
“That’s a decent set of pipes you’ve got there, little lady. You write your own stuff?”
I pursed my lips while my nose wrinkled. I wasn’t sure whether to admit the truth or not. I didn’t want to have to play anything for him.
His penetrating gaze stayed on me. In fact, Angel started staring at me, too, so eventually I spat out, “I’ve tried a little, but I don’t really want to share it.”
“Why not?”
“Because! It’s like…I’d be baring my soul. It’s terrifying. What if people don’t like it?”
“I get that.” He tipped his head with a nod before gently running his hand over Angel’s soft curls. “But what if they love it? What if it touches their hearts?”
I lost the ability to breathe, the air thickening to fog in my lungs as I listened to him.
“You never know the kind of power your song could have on another person. Songs can change your life, make you see things you’ve never noticed before. Music comes from here, remember?” He pointed at his heart. “That’s why it moves us. If you can write from the heart, you’ll have a masterpiece; one that you don’t need to be afraid of sharing.”
And with that, he stood and left me to my guitar. I waited for the click of the door before sliding onto the couch. Resting my feet on the ground, I leaned against my guitar and strummed again.
I liked Leo’s theory of music impacting another person. I understood that. Songs had been affecting me my whole life. I thought of Josh and the look on his face when I’d sing for him. I think he loved me in those moments, even if he never did say it.
I missed him.
I missed the way he looked at me, spoke to me…made me feel safe.
Fingering the yellow bruises on my face, I could only imagine the thunderstorm he’d unleash on Aren if he could. I didn’t want him to. I hated the idea of him getting in trouble for beating on Aren, but I loved the idea of hiding behind him or being wrapped up in his arms. I missed my head on his shoulder when we’d fall asleep at night.
I knew better now.
Nothing could beat that feeling.
It was home…and it broke my heart to think I might never get it back.
My fingers rested on the strings, and I strummed an A before dropping down to a D and finding my rhythm before changing up to an E. The riff quickly grew into a tune and words started flowing out of me…straight from my heart. Josh would probably never be willing to hear it, but that song was for him—my feeble attempt at an apology that would never be good enough.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Josh
“I thought love was supposed to be something you ran to, not away from.” I went to pour myself a beer but changed my mind and filled my glass with Coke as I waited for Ness to keep talking.
“Not when it burns you.” She scoffed at me, shaking her head and blinking at tears.
“Who is he?”
“My best friend, Jimmy.” She leaned forward, pulling a photo from her back pocket and dropping it on the counter.
She tapped on the face of a good-looking guy with sharp features and a pair of bright blue eyes. His hair was covered with a floppy beanie and his cocky smirk made me dislike him immediately.
“I’ve been in love with him since freshman year.” Ness picked up the photo and gazed at it with a wistful smile. “The first time I saw him, I was messing around playing drums in the music room. He followed the noise inside and asked me what I was doing. He was so gorgeous I could barely speak.” She chuckled. “And then I opened my mouth and said, ‘What does it look like I’m doing?’ He just gave me this slow grin. Sexy as hell, that boy, and all kinds of wrong, but I wanted him just the same. The next day, he showed up at school with his guitar and found me at my locker. He told me he wanted to start up a band and needed a drummer, and I was going to be it.�
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The look on her face told me everything. In spite of her heartache, that girl was still in love.
“I couldn’t have said no if I’d wanted to.” She dropped the photo with a sniff.
“What was your band called?” I collected it up and looked at the photo again.
“Chaos.”
“And how long did you last?”
“We’re still together…apparently.” She muttered a curse and thumped the counter. “We just won Shock Wave, this reality TV show, and our prize was a recording contract with Torrence Records. An album plus a tour.”
“Wow, congratulations.”
“Yeah, I don’t know if I’d be saying that right now. I’m supposed to be in LA recording as we speak, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.”
Her face bunched with agony, and I had to lean toward her again. “What happened?”
“We got together.” She gave me a trembling smile. “The night we won. We’d been working our asses off, and we were so stoked to win. Everybody was celebrating and after the party it just…it just kind of happened. One night of pure magic, that I’d been waiting years for. I thought he meant it, but it ended up driving a wedge between us. He kept on seeing other girls—his damn groupies—and he pushed me away. I’m not his best friend anymore. I’m now just another girl he’s slept with.” She sucked in a ragged breath. “I don’t even know why I love him so much! He’s the world’s biggest jackass!”
Her final shout almost echoed in the empty bar, making the following silence heavy and suffocating.
I cleared my throat and ran my finger along the edge of the bar. “I understand why you left. I wouldn’t have been able to stick around either.”
She pressed her elbow onto the counter and pushed her fingers into her hair, gripping a small handful. “I couldn’t face him anymore. I mean, I know I have to go back at some point. Torrence Records will be flipping a switch right now, but I can’t work with Jimmy when I feel like this. I can’t go on tour with him, watching him take all these other girls to his bed. I need to get over him and move on, and then I can go back with my head held high.” Her shoulders slumped after her impassioned speech, her voice weak and pathetic. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved and he doesn’t want me.”
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