by Rae, Nicki
I stand with resolve, hoping to find the son of a bitch who has wrecked my house and my life in essence. I find an empty balcony and extend my vision beyond to the pond and am disappointed when no one is there. I make my way back through the house ending with the same feeling of unrest as I decide the house is safe.
I need a game plan. I refuse to walk into this type of situation again. Inner turmoil begins boiling over as I look around at the chaos of my house that essentially is a representation of my life. How do I fix this? How do I keep the people that I care about safe? I take the stairs two at a time when I decide that there is only one place I can think through what I need to do. Before I make it to the gym, I head back to my room to check on Andy. When he doesn’t lift his head when I enter the room, I lay my head on his side and am relieved to hear his steady breathing. When I’m sure he is only sleeping, I leave him and walk back to the gym.
While lacing up my gloves, I decide against the headphones. I want to be able to hear if someone shows up even though I don’t believe anyone will. I think they came looking for something and when they didn’t find it they left.
The tension begins leaving my shoulders almost immediately. Even though it has only been a day or so since I have been in here, so much shit has happened to get me wound up. As the punches begin coming in a steady flow, my mind begins racing. I need to talk to Marla. I can’t get to the bottom of Gibson’s murder without learning what she knows. I don’t even know if she will talk to me but I need to try. I owe it to him to find the bastard that murdered him. My instincts are already pointing in a direction I’m afraid to go but I want to be absolutely sure it’s the route I need to take before I do.
The burn begins working its way all through me and I realize how much I’ve missed that pain. I would take it over any of the shit I have been dealing with the last few days. I increase my speed in hopes of my adrenaline spiking. I have a lot of miserable tasks ahead of me and since I have vowed to stay clean, I need all the natural drugs I can get.
When I can stand the burn no longer, I take one last swing at the bag and walk to the shower to rinse the last few days away. I step in and allow the water to burn a path in its wake; I need something to reign in this pain. I have to find a new way to satisfy the hunger and need that sneak into my every waking breathe and curse when I realize the only thing that may be able to help with that is out of my grasp. Of course, that only fuels my need to finish this job because I need her. I need her as a friend, I need her as a lover and I need her as my savior.
My mind wanders back to the nightmare I had. It has been a long time since I woke up in fear from that damn dream on a regular basis. That was from the lowest point in my life and I do not want to go back. I know I’m close to that point right now but I’m still not quite as bad. After yesterday, I am determined to set shit straight in my life, by whatever means possible.
I cringe at the image staring back at me from underneath the layers of steam on the mirror; my twenty-nine years look more like fifty. I suppose years of drugs and drinking will do that to you. I’m not sure how I pictured myself at this age…I never really thought I would make it to this age truthfully. Frank had a knack for reminding me I was worthless and wouldn’t live to see my thirtieth birthday. Plus, I didn’t lead a very safe life for many years. The thought of what will happen tomorrow never really crosses your mind when you’re on drugs, so thinking ahead fifteen years definitely never happened.
I roll my shoulders to try to release some of the tension that has already built back up. I decide I need to leave this pity party of one before I do something that I will regret later. In fact, while I am thinking about it…
I make my way down the hall with a purpose. Usually this is the point of the day I cut me a line of blow and get lost for the rest of the night. But I am no longer living for myself. I have other people depending on me, people who I can’t disappoint. Too many lives are on the line for me to screw this up.
Without a second thought, I grab the bag of white powdered goodness from the desk drawer and walk back towards the bathroom. My nose twitches the whole way and it takes every ounce of will power I possess not to get high. I’ve always convinced myself I can perform any task better when I’m high but I’ve proven time and time again drugs are the reason my life is the way it is. So after a few moments of mourning, I lift the lid to the commode and make it snow. My mouth begins watering at the sight of what has been my only friend for more than a decade, literally going down the drain. The only thing that keeps me from panicking is the thought of having Piper with me again. I will do anything to see her face light up while sitting in my dozer. My pride swells as I remember the determination on her face while she listened intently when I was teaching her to drive it. That look gives me a new determination in life, one that has zero to do with what I want and everything to do with what is right for someone else.
“Mama, you would be proud of me. For the first time in a long time, I am doing the right thing.”
Chapter Three
Piper
“Piper, wake up. Someone’s here to see you.”
“It’s too early, Phoebe. Tell them to come back later.”
“I can’t, Pipe. I have to get back to work.” An eye pops open when I hear his voice.
“What are you doing here?” The question is full of dread even though I didn’t mean for it to sound as such.
While the bruise is almost entirely gone, my hand moves to it and my fingers glide over the slightly raised skin. The hair on the back of my neck rises and a tear slides down my cheek when he kneels down next to my bed.
“I had to see you.”
“S-Shane, why didn’t you tell me you were getting out?”
“I couldn’t talk to you, Piper. I know how much I’ve hurt you and I had to find myself again before I brought you down with me. But as awful as you look, it seems I’m not the problem.” His brow rises with question, as his words slap me in the face. How dare he make such a comment after our last few encounters? He is the last person who should be judging.
“I won’t pretend the last week has been great but don’t forget you were a part of that.” His contempt is inexcusable. “Do you remember how you treated me, Shane? We’ve been friends for so long and you throw me away like yesterday’s trash. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“Piper, I didn’t come over here to fight with you. I want to apologize for what I’ve done. I know nothing I can say will make what happened disappear but I need you to understand I was not in my right mind. I’ve had a lot of time to think about us and I want you to keep an open mind where I’m involved. Listen, I will be back after I get off work for the day. I have something I want to talk to you about.”
He must know our relationship will never be the same. He affects me so differently now. I use to count the moments until it was time for us to be out of school so we could spend hours together. Now, I can’t be in the same room with him out of fear of what he may do or what I may say to set him off. I’m not sure what he wants from me but if it’s what I think, I don’t know I can give it to him. I’m not sure why I feel guilty for having these feelings but he brought this on himself.
“I don’t know if I’ll be around later, I have some things to take care of.” That isn’t really a lie. I do have a lot of things to take care of today but I could be here if I wanted.
“I’ll call you when I get off and we’ll sit down and talk.”
“Did you not hear what I just said?”
“I did but I need to fix this rift between us and I won’t let you worm out of it. I’ll see you later.” Before I can say another word, he stands, kisses me on the forehead and walks out of my room. I lie back down and sigh. He wasn’t listening to a word I said.
“What the hell was that all about?” Phoebe asks.
“Why did you let him in?”
“You know I can’t tell him no. Plus, I know you want to make-up with him. You haven’t been the same since he went to jail
.”
“You don’t think that has anything to do with what is going on with Fent?”
“Of course, but if you could have your best friend back while you’re dealing with him, I know it would make you feel a lot better.” I sigh again because she is right.
“Is he coming over later?”
“Yes, but I don’t know if I’ll be here.”
“Piper, damn it! Will you put your pride aside and pull your head out of the clouds? Fent is gone and isn’t coming back. He has never been a one woman kind of man and why you thought he ever could be is astounding. You have this man practically begging to be with you and you keep turning him down.”
“I can’t force feelings I don’t have, Phoebe!”
“You’re not even trying, Piper!”
“I’d say four years of friendship is trying.”
“I have to go to work,” she says as she leaves the room.
I pull my pillow over my face as I want to scream. I know I need to talk with Shane but I was not prepared to talk to him so soon. I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive him yet and I know that’s what he wants from me.
I loved Shane and it was because of that love it tore me to pieces when he was being so selfish, doing his drugs and going home with random women. Then he attacked me and I was essentially at the end of my rope with him. I was teetering on the edge of faith and understanding and in one night he squashed everything we had, seemingly without a second thought. Fenton basically did the same thing. I know it’s not fair to Shane or Fent that I compare them, I should treat each situation individually but everything happened all at once. It’s hard for me to not group them together.
Phoebe thinks Fenton has really left me but I just can’t believe it’s true. She wasn’t at the picnic where I felt Fenton was his most true self. She didn’t see the anguish on his face while he was telling me about his past. A past he told me himself he tells no one about. She didn’t see the pain on his face when he knew he was about to leave me. I know what that sounds like. It sounds like I am a fool. I was there and we shared his pain and anguish which is something that has never happened with anyone else. You don’t share those types of feelings with just anyone. If anything, Fenton is scared of the way he feels for me. That is the way I have rationalized this whole situation. I was closer to Fent than anyone has ever been and it scared the hell out of him. I can handle that scenario, so that’s what I am telling myself.
After about twenty minutes of my pity party, I decide I need to get up and get my day started. I search my room for my phone and purse. When the search in my room is unsuccessful, I venture out to the living area in hopes my sister will keep her trap shut. I find it sitting beside the front door and am relieved when I hear nothing from her. I’m able to make it back to my room without having to listen to her mouth.
I plop down on my bed and search my purse for the card I hope to hell I didn’t throw away. I thought I would never need it but being the hoarder I am, I know kept it. However, finding the spot I left it is going to be the challenge. I praise the Lord when I find what I’m looking for. I stare at it a moment, not really sure if I want to do this or not. But knowing I have no real choice in the matter.
Before I lose my nerve, I dial the number. After three rings, I pull the phone from my ear and am about to hit the end button when I hear a voice on the other end. I take a deep breath before bringing the phone back to my ear.
“Hi…Logan Moore?” I ask
“Yes, this is Logan Moore. Who is this?”
“T-this is Piper Adams, we met at the carpentry dinner last week,” I remind him. There is an awkward silence for a few seconds and just before I apologize for bothering him, he finally speaks again.
“Yes, you were Shane’s date. How is he? What can I do for you?”
“Well, when we talked at the dinner, you mentioned your family owned an engineering business. I recently lost my job and am looking for some free-lance architecture work. I thought maybe your company may have a need?” I know this is a long shot but I couldn’t think of anyone else and he was so nice when I met him.
“I’m actually at the office now, let me talk with architecture group and I will get back with you.”
“Ok, thank you! That sounds great. When can I expect your call?”
“I will get back with you by the end of the day, one way or another.”
“Thank you so much!”
“Don’t thank me yet, I’m not promising anything.”
“I know but you are putting in an effort. Thank you, I will be waiting for your call.” I sit my phone on my nightstand and let out a sigh of relief.
“Who are you talking to with that big grin on your face? I haven’t witnessed that in a while,” Phoebe asks, walking back in my room.
“When I went to the carpentry dinner with Shane last week, I met an engineer…” Phoebe gasps so loudly I can’t hear myself talk.
“Wow, Piper. I didn’t think you were that type of girl.”
“Good gracious, Phoebe, let me finish. His family owns their own business and I thought they might have an opening.”
“Damn, I thought you had gotten over playboy already.” I have no response for her. Sometimes I think I’m the big sister. “What? You know meeting another guy would get your mind off of him.”
“No, it won’t,” I respond, adamantly.
“How do you know?”
“Phoebe, you have never let yourself get close to anyone; you are the spokesperson for hit it and forget it. I’m not judging you but you’ll have to understand that I can’t take your advice about moving on seriously.”
“How close could you have possibly gotten in just a few weeks?”
“I told him about mom,” I say quickly.
“What? Really? Did you even tell Nate about mom?”
“No,” I admit.
There was never even a moment I thought about telling him. Her death was still very new but I became very good at hiding my feelings. He never asked about my parents and I never asked about his. I guess that’s why we didn’t make it, we just never connected. Tears begin burning my eyes. That is the very reason I’m having a hard time believing Fenton really wanted to break it off with me. When the moment presented itself, I didn’t even bat an eyelash about spilling the most difficult time of my life to him. I knew he needed comforting and that is the only way I knew to get him to talk, to let him know I knew where he was coming from. Our connection was that deep in just a very short amount of time and that is why I would feel like a fool for leaving him alone. Even though in the end, I may still be the one looking like a fool.
“Piper, I know that must have been difficult…” the sound of my ringing phone cuts her off. When I look at the ID, it’s the number that I just used for Logan.
“Hello, Logan?”
“Yes, hi, Piper. Listen, can you meet me for a business brunch in about an hour?”
“Yes, absolutely! Where?”
“Do you know where the small café is located inside the State Museum?”
“Yes, I’ve been there several times, it holds a great view of the city.”
“Agreed. We’ll talk soon.” I have to push the excitement that’s blooming aside. My luck the past few weeks hasn’t been great. I guess that’s not true as I landed a job with James. My heart sinks at the thought of no longer working for there. As much as I despise Frank, I love the company and I am really upset that I had to leave. Last night, I laid awake most of the night thinking about how, in good conscious, I could go back to James. I couldn’t make it work. I didn’t know how to go back to the company without it being a jab in Fenton’s side. As much as I love James, I care for Fenton more. So, I will go to this meeting with Logan today but I will go into it with low expectations.
“Tell me about Logan?” Phoebe asks as I am throwing my phone back in my purse.
“Well, he seems like a nice guy. Although, I got the feeling something was going on with him as he had to leave the party early. He mentioned
something about his girlfriend having some issues and needing him. He seemed very devoted to her. Listen, as fun as this conversation has been, I need to get going.”
“Ok,” she says and before I can get up, she grabs my hand. My eyes move to hers in question. “Please be careful, Piper. I know you’ve had your share of disappointment over the last few days and I want you to know you can talk to me. I know you’re the type to push it down and move on but just know I’m here whenever you need me.”
“Thank you for offering but I’ll be ok once I secure a new job. That’s my first priority.”
“Not Fenton?” she questions and I don’t blame her for being skeptical. I didn’t lie, finding a new position is my first goal but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t planning to find Fent and make him talk to me.
“You know I’m worried about Fent but it seems he‘s made his decision and it didn’t include me. I can’t make him a priority when he isn’t doing the same for me.”
“I’m happy to hear you say those words. I know you didn’t ask my opinion but being the older sister gives me the right to share it anyway. I think you should let things be with Fenton and focus on your career and getting your friendship back together with Shane.”
“I appreciate your opinion but remember it’s only that, your opinion. We’ll talk about this later, I have to get ready. Love you, sister!”
I quickly throw on a pair of black slacks and pair it with my favorite emerald scoop neck top with three-quarter length sleeves. I search my jewelry box for my purple chunky necklace with no luck. After stepping into my purple kitten heels, I grab my purse and make a bee-line for Phoebe’s room. When I can’t find my things, they are usually in her room. I find my necklace lying on top of her dresser and head for the bathroom to make something of this hair. Upon closer inspection, I find my hair isn’t as bad as I thought. I pull a comb through it and pile it on top of my head, throw some mascara and eye-liner on and smear some lip-gloss on my lips. I check my watch to find it has only been ten minutes. I’m impressed, that has to be some type of record.
