by Rae, Nicki
I put the truck in gear and take off, relishing the wind that’s flowing in the window. I wish I would’ve been able to bring the bike as it is as much as a stress reliever as hitting the bag or taking a bump. In fact, when I am not around either of them, I take a ride and it usually eases the tension. Although, now I have something that is ten times better than both and I cannot wait for the day I can take her freely and whenever I want.
I don’t know if I should feel guilty for not warning her about what is going on today. She sounded so carefree and happy, no doubt because I let her in on what is going on. I didn’t want to take that away from her. I want her to sound happy every day, all day. Nonetheless, I should have warned her. She can’t be prepared for something she isn’t aware of. Especially considering Phoebe will tell her when she gets home. I’m not sure what Phoebe wants from me. One minute she’s telling me Shane is the guy for Piper then she is telling me I need to go change her tire. I wonder if she knows her sister at all because if she did, she would know Piper knows how to change a tire. I didn’t even have to ask and I knew. I know I didn’t show her but I have to admit that I am very proud to have a girl who knows how to change her own tire. If I have a daughter, it will be required for her to know all of those things. She will not be one of those girls who have to depend on a douche to do anything. Did I seriously just to refer to my daughter? The irony of that is not lost on me as that thought has never crossed my mind.
Piper
“Did Prince Charming talk to you about the bar?” Phoebe asks as soon as I open the front door.
“What are you talking about?”
“I knew he wasn’t going to, the selfish bastard.”
“Phoebe, who are you talking about?” I’m beginning to get a little aggravated with her catty attitude.
“Fenton. I saw him today and I told him I was worried about you and he said he would call you.”
“Well, he did call me and I told him he was ridiculous.” I try to hide my smile as I remember our conversation and anticipation blossoms at the thought of his threat.
“But, did he tell you what happened at the bar?”
“No, I have no idea what you are talking about.” She lets out a deep sigh and takes my hand, leading me to the sofa.
“I went to the bar to talk to him about your nightmares. I don’t know what you see in him but I thought maybe he could help.”
“Phoebe, I don’t have nightmares.”
“You do, I hear them every night. You must have some sub-conscious fear of him getting shot as you are always screaming his name. When I come to check on you, you always wake up soaked in tears talking about someone shooting him. I can’t believe you don’t remember. You always seem to be awake when I’m in there.”
I know I’ve had a few horrific dreams about him being hurt by an unknown assailant but I never remember screaming or waking up in tears. How is that possible?”
“Listen, as much as that concerns me, I think that is only part of the problem. While I was waiting for him to get to the bar, some crazy asshole came in and shot the place up. I was so scared…”
“Oh my gosh! Is everyone ok? Are you ok? Was Fenton there when that happened?”
“No, he wasn’t’ there, yet.”
Guilt washes over me as I realize where Fenton was when his bar, the one place he loves more than anything was getting blown to shreds by bullets no doubt meant for him. While I was having a secret closet rendezvous, my sister could have been killed and I’m sure Fenton’s dreams were killed as he has worked so hard to get that bar up and running.
“Hey, it’s ok, everyone is fine. I don’t think anyone was hurt. It seemed to me that whoever did it, wasn’t aiming to actually hurt anyone, rather he only wanted to scare Fenton. But then you called me to tell me about your tire being slashed and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that whoever is trying to scare Fenton may try to use you to do it.”
I sit back against the sofa to absorb what she said and to gain some composure. For some reason that thought had not even crossed my mind. Fenton mentioned the danger of the situation but I guess I didn’t take into consideration that they would actually come after me. I don’t know why. If I were after someone, the person they loved would be first on my list. Did I just say Fenton loved me? Shit! At least I didn’t say it out loud.
“I’m sure he was trying to keep me from worrying,” I say, trying to rationalize why he wouldn’t tell me something as major as his bar being shot to pieces.
“He needed to tell you, Piper. You need to be aware if someone is after you.”
“I know. I will talk to him about it later.”
“Isn’t Shane coming over tonight?”
“Yes, he is supposed to be soon.” Right on cue, there is a knock at the door. “I am going to take a shower. I have to regroup and be in a different mindset to deal with Shane. Will you keep him entertained until I am back?” I’m not going to add that I have to try to come to terms with the fact that someone may be after me. I should really be pissed at Fenton for not telling me what is going on but he told me himself he isn’t really sure who it is. He may be waiting to tell me until he knows who is after him. I didn’t tell her this but he did at least warm me somewhat when we were in the closet. My cheeks heat a little and that is my cue to leave the room and get that shower.
“That is kind of rude, don’t you think? He is here to see you.”
“I think we are a little past me being cognizant of what Shane wants, don’t you think?” I don’t wait for her answer as I make my way to the shower. I close the door behind me and let the day sink in. I knew Fenton was in trouble but I guess it hadn’t sunk in how much until today.
His friend was murdered. HOLY SHIT! HIS FRIEND WAS MURDERED! He told me but I thought that was him being paranoid. He has such a rocky past I thought he takes each situation and makes it the worst it could possibly be. I mean, from everyone else’s vantage point, it definitely seemed as though Gibson killed himself. However, I can’t imagine what I would be thinking if something like that happened to Shane. I’m sure I would be going out of my mind trying to figure out what happened to him.
Fent was already going out of his mind trying to get this mess cleaned up. Then he walked into to see his bar a mess as well as hearing about my tire situation. I wouldn’t want to be whoever is on the other end of this and have to deal with him. I hope we can get to the bottom of it before he goes back into his shell, away from the normal, functioning world. It’s my goal to keep him away from the world he has known for so long. I don’t want him there anymore.
Chapter Six
Piper
I finally step into the shower wondering what I want to happen with Shane. I promised myself I would not be around him any longer if he didn’t first get himself some help. It hurts my heart too much to see him in that kind of shape. But as I think about it, why do I accept that type of behavior from Fenton but I won’t from Shane? I will have to revisit that line of thinking later because I don’t want to think about the answer to that.
As I’m running the towel over my skin to dry off, Fenton’s face while he was dressing me comes to mind. The determination melted my heart. Just those small gestures tell me he can be kind and gentle. I don’t know why he can’t show the world the side I see. Everyone thinks he is this selfish asshole and I know he comes across that way but he is so much more. The man has been working for a low life father for who knows how long and running a bar on the side. Granted he has probably kept himself going with too much alcohol and drugs that I don’t want to think about but I know if I worked with him, we could get past that together.
“Pipe, are you about finished? Shane has been waiting on you out here.” I nearly drop the towel at the sound of Phoebe’s voice. I was so deep in thought I didn’t even hear the door open.
“Yes, I will be out in a minute.” I don’t know why she is now endorsing a relationship with Shane. She was here the night he strangled me, she saw how terrifying he can
be. But now it’s ok to for us to be friends. Apparently, a few nights in jail cures all. I say a few nights but really, I have no idea how long he was in there. I guess I’m about to find out.
I take a deep breath and open the door to whatever the next few hours may bring.
“Piper, you look great!” Shane says, startling me with his enthusiasm
“How long have you been out?” I say, sidestepping his compliment.
“Just since yesterday,” he replies.
“Why am I only hearing from you today?” I’m not trying to sound like a bitch but it aggravates me that he’s trying to make amends with me but couldn’t even call me yesterday to let me know he was ok.
“I needed to figure out if I still had a job and I…and I just needed some time to think in the outside world. Piper listen, you are my girl. I’ve had a lot of time to think and I now can admit that you’re the only girl I’ve ever loved. You’ve been there to kick my ass when I was going down the wrong path…”
“Shane…”
“Shh! Please let me talk.” He stops a minute to regroup. “I’ve been walking down the dark path for a long time. I kept my drug use from you for a long time because I didn’t want to see the disappointment I see staring at me right now. It finally got to the point I didn’t care who witnessed as long as I was getting high. You have to know you’ve been right in my shadow, Piper. Every line I’ve taken, every shot I’ve drank; your voice has been in the back of my head telling me it’s wrong. Your beauty, your pureness, I never wanted to lose that. But I fucked up, Piper. I didn’t always listen, but there have been more times that I can count I didn’t take that extra pill, or get in my car completely blitzed because of you. You’re face was usually all I could see in my drunken state. I used all of those women to try and take your place but all they did was make me feel worse about myself in turn making me use more. I can’t imagine my world without you in it, Piper. I just had to live through that pain and I don’t want to do it again. When I was sitting in that cell, you are all I thought about, every minute of every day. You, Piper. It’s always been you.”
His hands move to my face and I flinch. His eyes soften and when he finally realizes things are not the same between us, they sadden. He pulls his hand back slowly as not to startle me further and I feel like our hearts are shredding together and there is nothing we can do about it.
There is no way I can formulate a coherent thought after all that. I expected graveling, maybe some promises he never intended to keep but I never expected him to tell me he loved me. I knew he was getting a little too cozy before he went in but I never expected he would still be trying for a relationship. I hate him for it! I hate him because he is going to make me break his heart.
I briefly wonder if they sat out here and talked about our future while I was showering. If so, she is going to be disappointed when I tell her the outcome. I know what I need to do but it’s so difficult. Finally deciding to just spit it out, I watch my hands as I am too much of a coward to see his expression.
“Shane, I…” clearing my throat, I continue, “We’re living two very different lives. I’m so glad you know the path you need to take. There is nothing I want more than for you to stay clean. But I don’t know what you expect from me. For a long time, it was me and you against the world. We were two peas in a pod. I knew you had my back whenever I needed something because I had yours. But when you lose that trust, it sucks. I don’t know what to expect from you, anymore. I don’t know what Shane I will be talking to when you come over or when we go out. I NEED my Shane back. I NEED my friend. I love you too but only as a friend, Shane. I’m sorry but I can’t be any more than that and I don’t know how or when I can even be that much anymore. I’m sorry if that breaks your heart but I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m sorry.” Relief and guilt wash over me simultaneously. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting those words but I can no longer beat around the bush.
The old Shane would have fired back immediately. His knee jerk reaction would have left me speechless and him in an anger fueled rage. This would be the moment he leaves. Instead, he’s silent and I am not sure how to handle it. This is the Shane I knew a long time ago. The Shane who made me laugh and the Shane I anticipated laughing with. I’ve missed him so much. I didn’t know the pain of losing him until now when I see what I’ve been missing; the clean Shane and the Shane that cares about my feelings. I finally gain the courage to look at him and the devastation on his face makes my heart drop.
“What can I do to make you change your mind? Anything, Piper. I promise, I will do anything.” He kneels in front of me and takes my hand. I wish the tears that are falling from his eyes were fake but I don’t think they are. A pang of guilt tugs at my heart as tears continue to slide down his cheeks. What kind of friend allows her friend to get down on their knee and beg for forgiveness without giving it?
“Shane, as long as you stay clean and out of trouble, we can still be friends. We have been friends for far too long for me to just throw it out the window. However, I will not tolerate the Shane that has been around the last year. I can’t in good conscious allow you to ruin your life and potentially harm me. We can only be friends. I’m sorry if you have different feelings for me. I can’t return them. I’m sorry.”
My words linger between us for a minute before he drops his head to his hands and sobs. I’ve never felt more awkward or more useless around him than I do right now. I force myself to kneel along with him and wrap my arm around his shoulders. He feels my touch and his shoulders tighten before he stands, pulling me with him. The anger on his face reminds me of the old Shane. This is what I was expecting earlier, a tongue lashing. However to my surprise, he walks out my front door without a word.
The bereft feeling I am left with makes me sick. He just bared his soul to me and all I could do was reject him. Throwing myself on the couch, I pull the pillow over my face and scream! As many times as I told myself I could handle him and his issues, I don’t know if I can. Too much has happened. Too many words spoken and too many feelings hurt. I don’t know how I can go on with all of those thoughts.
“Piper, are you alright? Why are you screaming?” Phoebe’s voice floats around the corner before she rushes in the room.
“Why did you leave us alone? I can’t do this with him, Phoebe. I have enough going on with Fenton. I can’t handle Shane by myself, too.”
“You need to stand beside Shane, he is asking for your help.”
“I offered him help and he strangled me in return. I know I should move on but I can’t. Every time I’m close to him, the hair on the back of my neck stands in anticipation of what he will do or say. Every time he walks out that door, I wonder if he is going to return or if the next time I see him will be at his funeral. My heart can’t take it, Phoebe. I tried to help him, you know I did and he wouldn’t get himself clean. I don’t appreciate being made as the bad guy in this situation.” I have to stop to allow air to return to my lungs. The more in depth I talk about Shane the more I feel myself beginning to hyperventilate and lose control. “Do you see how this is affecting me, Phoebe?”
Her gentle touch is soothing. In that moment, I realize how much I need my mother. Before she passed away, I was too busy to have a boyfriend. With sports and homework, there just weren’t enough hours in the day. So, she was never able to help mend my broken heart. She never able to tell me there would be another guy after the current heartbreak I was experiencing. I never got to bring a guy home and introduce him to her. In this moment, that is all I want. I want her arms to wrap around me and for her to tell me I’m making the right decision. But she can’t and never will be able because she was stolen from me.
“Piper?” my sister says softly, her voice full of understanding. Never have I cried to Phoebe, about anything and it seems the last month that is all I have been doing. I’ve had my fill of tears for a while. I wipe them away and decide I need to get over it.
“Listen, I’m not going to start working with L
ogan until next week. I need a break, I’m going back home for the weekend.”
“You are going home to see Daddy?”
I knew she would be shocked. It’s so very hard for me to go home. It was only right before I left our mother passed away, so my memories are still very fresh. When I go home, they bombard me and I spend most of my time trying not to think about my mother and how much I am hurting. I finally decided not to go back a few years ago and haven’t been back since. However, I feel as though I have lost control of myself and need a break.
“I am,” I reply.
“What about Shane?”
“What about him? He has a lot to fix within himself before we can try to get back to where we were. I need this, Phoebe. I just…I just need this.”
“Ok, I will help you pack. What about Fenton?”
“I don’t think I will have to worry about him. We have to stay away from each other until he fixes the mess he is in.”
I don’t know how I’m going to handle being away from him, not knowing what is going on or if he is in danger. I have been going mad the last two days trying to figure out where he is and what is going on with him and now I am willingly leaving him behind. However, I can’t think about that right now. I know if he needs me or if something happens, someone will let me know. I need to find myself again and I don’t feel I can do it here.
“I’m sure Daddy will be excited to see you. So, how did it go with Logan? You were gone a while, the meeting must have went well.”
I have to hide my smile as I remember what happened after the meeting today. One minute he is so ravenous and raw then he is sweet and gentle. I’ve never been around a man that can change with the wind. I can’t keep up with him.
I’ll have to think of something to do for him once this ordeal is over. His thoughtfulness knows no bounds. He always makes sure I’m taken care of without thinking of himself. I need to show him how appreciative I am and how much I need his touch. I crave it every minute of every day. I need him to know that. I don’t know what I expect from him but above all else, he needs to know how I feel.
