“You think that’s all I want from you? Sex?” She obviously didn’t believe I was prepared to back up my proclamation of love with action. “You don’t know how wrong you are.”
“I don’t mean to offend you,” she said, sounding defeated. “I think we just need to take a step back. This is all happening so fast.”
“Fast?” I couldn’t help but laugh even though I was mad as hell that she wasn’t willing to fight for us as hard as I was. Not that I could blame her. My reputation would scare away any level-headed woman. “This has been building for years, and you know it.”
“Sure, we’ve been attracted to each other for a long time, but—”
The only way I could make her see things my way was to force her to dissect her feelings for me. “You just told me you loved me. Did you mean it?”
“Of course I meant it,” she said, looking affronted. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”
“Have you ever felt like this before, Tiana? Has any other man made you feel the way I do?”
I knew the answer even before she shook her head. I was certain if she’d had this connection with anyone else, she’d be wearing his ring by now. No man in his right mind would let a woman who stole his breath every damn time she walked into a room get away.
“What if you walk away from me?” Even saying those words stung. I could only imagine how painful it would be to watch her actually do it. “What if you spend the rest of your life looking for what we’ve already found… and never find it again?” I let those words sink in before I asked, “Are you willing to take that kind of risk?”
Looking tormented, she set her hands on my knees. “I’m just so confused.”
“Then let me make it real clear for you. I love you. You love me. And I’m not letting you give up on us. No matter how hard it may get, and I’m not denying that it will, we are not giving up on this. Do you understand me?” I may be coming on too strong, making her feel I wasn’t giving her a choice, but she was obviously scared. The last thing she needed was a way out.
She stared at me for a long time. “Even if I believed that you love me as much as you say you do, that doesn’t erase my other fears.”
I took her hands, lowering my head as I searched for the words to convince her that she was more than enough for me. “People get into that lifestyle for different reasons, Tiana. I’ve heard a lot of stories over the years, and most people felt they’d found a home within their community.”
“Their community?” she asked, frowning. “What does that mean?”
“It’s exactly what it sounds like.” I wished I didn’t have to get into this with her. I wanted this to be a part of my past, and since it would never be a part of my future with her; it seemed irrelevant. But as long as it was giving her doubts about me and us, I knew I had to be willing to discuss it openly with her so we could put her fears to rest. “Some people experiment privately, within a monogamous relationship, but a lot of people find a community of people who share their interests.”
She frowned. “Where would they find that? Online?”
It was kind of sweet that she was so naïve about the myriad of sexual practices out there. “Maybe, but there are also a lot of sex clubs in the city. Some people prefer to partake with an audience or as part of a group that understands them.”
“Did you ever do that?” she asked. “I mean, were you ever part of a club?”
“No. To be honest, my foray into this lifestyle has been tame by most practitioners’ standards. I’ve experimented some, but I never felt the urge to venture too far into it.” The most difficult part of having this conversation wasn’t admitting some of the things I’d done, but why I’d done them. There were so many things about my past I wished I could take back, especially now that I was looking at them through Tiana’s eyes. “What we’re talking about is control, Tiana. That’s why I did it, because I wanted to be in control. I felt if I were the one calling the shots, I wouldn’t get hurt. Sex, love, fear, control—those things have always been closely linked for me. I’ve always sought out partners who weren’t afraid to let me call the shots in the bedroom.”
“Call the shots…?” she asked. “In what way?”
“I just mean…” I sighed, raking my hands through my hair. “God, talking to you about this is harder than I thought it would be.”
“I need to hear it,” she said, touching my thigh. “Please. I need to know what you got out of those relationships.”
“I got my needs satisfied.” My stomach plummeted when she withdrew her hand and scooted back on the ottoman. “They got their needs met too. It was a win-win.” I wanted to smack myself upside the head when I realized how cold and detached that must sound to her.
“So it was always just about sex for you? Never an emotional attachment?”
She was probably concerned that I was incapable of feeling about anyone the way I claimed to feel about her, and she had every right to question me. I would have too, in her position. Especially given everything she stood to lose if we were a colossal failure.
“Never.” I hated how detached I sounded, especially since I was trying so hard to form a lasting attachment with her. “I spelled out what I wanted going in. The women I chose had no problem letting me direct what happened in the bedroom, and when the arrangement no longer suited one or both of us, we walked away.”
“You just walked away?”
“Never called again.”
“Didn’t some women develop feelings for you?”
I shrugged, tasting the bitterness of so many wasted years. “I guess, but I made it clear that the relationship would never or could never extend beyond the bedroom.”
Tiana closed her eyes, looking utterly confused and exhausted. “Let me get this straight… you never dated or had a real relationship with any of your sexual partners?” When I crossed my arms and shook my head, she asked, “Why not?”
I looked at her for a long time, wondering if she had any idea how much I was risking by allowing myself to fall in love with her. “I learned early on that the more you love someone, the harder it is when they leave you.”
Her expression softened. “You mean because you lost your mom when you were so young.”
“Right.”
“Not everyone is going to leave you,” she said gently.
“Do you know how scary this is for me?” I whispered, feeling weaker and more defenseless than I ever had. “I never thought I’d get in this deep with a woman, Ti.”
“I know.” She climbed into my lap. “It’s scary for both of us.”
Rosie, who had been watching us intently, jumped back up on the sofa to analyze the situation from a better angle. We looked at the curious dog and grinned. She eased the strain of uncertainty.
“I know you need reassurance here.” I wrapped my arms around her as I buried my face in her long hair. It smelled like a sea breeze, eliciting images of private beaches and skinny-dipping while the sun warmed our bodies. I wanted to share moments like that with her. I wanted to share every moment with her, the big ones and the seemingly insignificant ones. “But you’re not the only one who does, baby. I’m wading in pretty deep here. You could throw me a line. Something? Anything?”
“I love you,” she whispered before kissing me deeply. “How’s that?”
“You’re a lifesaver.” I smiled as I brushed my lips against her soft cheek. “Thanks.”
“Thank you,” she said, threading her hands through my hair as she drew my eyes to hers.
“For what?”
“For being so honest with me. I needed to hear that, to understand you better.”
“So now that you know I’ve never had a relationship with a woman that didn’t revolve around sex, are you gonna bail on me or what?” My tone was light and teasing, but I was gravely serious. My fear and anxiety were building with every second, making it difficult to breathe.
“I’m not going to bail on you, Blake.”
“Ever?” I
asked hopefully.
Her sensuous lips tipped up in a smile. “I’m not going to bail on you.”
Not the assurance I’d been hoping for, but I knew it would have to do for now.
Chapter Seven
Tiana
I didn’t know if I was being naïve, equating sex and love, but every time we made love, I felt closer to him.
As he kissed my neck, his lips swept over my tingling skin while the effects of his tongue tore through me. I moaned, wrapping my legs around his waist while rocking my core against his hardness. He’d already kissed me into a stupor, arousing me more with just his mouth than either of my previous lovers had been able to accomplish with their entire bodies. I never thought I could feel so engaged and uninhibited, as though the only thing in the world that mattered was happening right here and now, in this room.
Insecurities about skill and experience that had surfaced in my previous relationships faded into the deep recesses of my mind every time Blake touched me. He made me forget everything, where and who we were, and why getting lost in him was such a bad idea.
“God, I need you.”
His raspy whisper sent a deep thrill through me, making my skin prickle with exhilaration. Knowing how much he needed me, that I could arouse him with just my body and words, without the toys and implements he was used to, made me feel powerful… and hopeful. Maybe I could be enough for him. Just me and me alone.
“I need you too.” I thrust my hands into his hair, bringing his lips to mine to arouse and inspire. I didn’t want to waste any more time. I needed him inside me. Now.
He moaned before pressing into me with force. He’d already pleasured me, not once but twice, ensuring I was more than ready for him.
“Oh God…” Before him, I’d had no idea I could be a prisoner to my own body, but he’d taught me nothing was more all-consuming than the complete loss of control that accompanied that lull between penetration and total abandonment.
“Tiana,” he murmured, kissing my shoulders as he secured my wrists with his hands, pressing me into the bed.
I loved hearing my name on his lips, sounding more like a curse than a label, as he fought his body and mind for control. I had no desire to struggle, to break free of his imprisonment. If anything, I wanted to feel shackled, to feel that I was attached to him and he intended to never let me go. That was what made sex with Blake so hot—the intensity, as though he could never get enough of me, no matter how deep or close, no matter how many times, or how pleasurable it had been. He always wanted more, and so did I.
I wasn’t used to feeling so rampant and wild, but Blake had a way of bringing it out in me, reminding me that life was meant to be lived, sometimes on the edge and without a net. His gaze caught mine as he rocked slowly. He gradually picked up the tempo until I was clamping down, riding out a tidal wave that I swore could have pulled me under if he hadn’t been there to slowly bring me back to safety.
“I could watch you do that all day and night,” he said, kissing my temple. “You don’t know what that does to me, seeing you like that, knowing I’m the reason you feel so good.”
“Good doesn’t begin to describe it,” I said breathlessly. I wrapped my arms around him as soon as he released my wrists. “What you do to me defies description.”
He wasted no time resuming his savage pace until I swore I couldn’t survive another second. Just when I was about to beg for mercy, he activated another ripple of tremors that set off his own release. He closed his eyes, his face frozen in a mask of pleasure as he filled me with an explosion of heat that made me thirsty for more.
“You’re so gorgeous,” I whispered. I had never witnessed anything sexier in my life.
“I am?” He half-chuckled, as though he was still trying to regain his breath, and claimed his side of the huge bed. “No, baby, you are gorgeous.”
He made me feel that way, as though all of the picture-perfect women who’d shared his bed were just a prelude leading him to this moment when he could share himself with me.
“I should take Rosie outside,” I said, reluctant to get out of bed now that I’d curled up in his down duvet, my head on one of the most comfortable pillows I’d ever used. “She needs one more pee break before bed.”
“I think I can handle that,” he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.
“My hero.”
He grinned, running a finger over my kiss-swollen lips. “And don’t you forget it.”
I caressed his muscular back, still damp from our intensive workout, and he seemed hesitant to get up. “What’s wrong?”
He laughed. “Gimme a minute, girl. My head is spinning. I’m afraid if I get up too fast, I might pass out.”
I giggled. I probably would have felt the same way had I tried to stand up. “Should I say I’m sorry I made you work so hard? Next time I’ll do all the work. How about that?”
“Next time, huh? I like the sound of that.” He stood, reaching for a robe he’d tossed over a chair when he got out of the shower earlier. “But trust me, what we just did doesn’t qualify as work. That was all play.”
I smirked as he walked out of the room. It would be easy to get comfortable here. I really did love everything about his house, including the man who’d built it. Glancing at the enormous closet, I wondered whether he’d built it for two, hoping he would eventually have someone to share it with.
Before I could get too caught up in imagining myself as the mistress of his manor, the cell phone on his bedside table pinged, indicating he had a text message. I told myself not to look. It was an invasion of his privacy and I wasn’t a snoop or a possessive girlfriend, but when I heard the door chime, indicating he’d taken the dog outside, I couldn’t resist one quick glance.
I immediately wished I hadn’t looked.
Can’t wait to see you, lover. Plane just landed. Be at your place in an hour. XXOO
I felt sick as I scrambled to get dressed. My clothes were strewn everywhere: dress at the foot of the bed, bra in the bathroom, panties in the hall. By the time I’d collected everything, he was standing in the doorway, eyeing me warily.
“What’s goin’ on? I thought you were spending the night. Why are you getting dressed?”
“You didn’t tell me you were expecting company tonight.” I tried to tamp down my hurt and frustration, but it wasn’t easy when he looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He strode across the room, grabbing my dress before I could put it on. “Answer me.”
I nodded toward the phone on his bedside table before I tugged on my dress, forcing him to let go or risk tearing the delicate fabric. “See for yourself. You got a text when you were outside.” I felt compelled to add, “I didn’t mean to be nosy. I was just curious.”
He waved me off as though he didn’t care that I’d snooped. The only thing that seemed to matter to him was retrieving the message that was driving me away.
“Jesus,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “I forgot she was coming in tonight. I haven’t spoken to her in weeks.”
“Well, I’ll get out of your hair.” I reached for my overnight bag. “It would be pretty awkward if she showed up and I was here, wouldn’t it?”
“You’re not going anywhere,” he said, reaching for my wrist. “And she’s not coming over. Just let me fire off a quick text to let her know plans have changed.”
“And you really expect me to stay here tonight, knowing you were supposed to spend the night with someone else?”
He tossed the phone on the bed before seizing my shoulders and bending to look me in the eye. “You’re not serious, are you?”
“How would you feel if you were in bed while I got a call from another guy about a hookup?”
He swore softly before nodding. “You’re right. I’d be out for blood.” Pulling me into his arms, he said, “I’m sorry, baby. You shouldn’t have had to see that.”
I wouldn’t have seen it if I’d minded my own bus
iness, but I couldn’t erase it from my mind now. The damage had been done. I couldn’t suppress my burning curiosity about the woman who was flying in from God knew where to spend the night with Blake. “Who is she?”
“She’s a flight attendant. We met on a flight to Texas.” He sighed as he stepped back, running a hand through his tousled hair. “We don’t see each other often, maybe once a month when she’s passing through town.”
I wrinkled my nose, fighting the urge to cry when I looked at the wrinkled sheets we’d just made love on.
“Hey,” he said, reaching for my hand. “Don’t be upset about this, beautiful. Jackie means nothing to me, I swear. You and I were barely talking when I met her. I sure as hell never expected this.” He gestured between us. “If I’d known we were gonna hook up, I wouldn’t have given her a second look.”
“Hook up?” I asked, feeling anger eclipsing the pain.
“Damn it, I’m sorry, that was a poor choice of words, Ti. You know that’s not what this is to me.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off his bed now that I knew he’d entertained other women there. Of course I’d known it before—I wasn’t that naïve—but now that one of those women was on her way over, it made it not only undeniable, but impossible to get out of my head. “I have to go.”
He wrapped his arms around me from behind when I turned to leave. “You’re not going until we work this out. Please, Tiana, don’t leave like this. I’m sorry, okay?”
It wasn’t really his fault. He’d made plans with her long before he started sleeping with me, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “I just need some time to process everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours. It’s a lot. Maybe too much.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked as he turned me to face him. “You’re not having second thoughts about us because of this, are you?”
I rubbed my forehead while squeezing my eyes shut. Tears were burning my eyelids, but I was determined not to humiliate myself by crying. “I don’t know how to feel.” I cleared my throat while I forced myself to look at him. “I just know that you have some woman on her way over here who’s expecting to have sex with you.”
Tiana (Starkis Family #3) Page 8
