by Eve R. Hart
I jerked my eyes back up to hers. Those brown irises sparkled with an unsure glint. Her mouth parted like she wanted to say something but nothing came out. And of course, the movement caught my attention. I’d tried too hard not to think about what had happened in that bed. Really fucking hard. But staring at her perfect, little mouth, I suddenly was flooded with the feeling of it on mine all over again. That hadn’t been my intention when I’d crawled in the bed and pulled her into my arms. Not even when I laid back and let her curl into my side. But when she made the move I couldn’t help but to meet her halfway. It felt so wrong and so right all at the same time. Wrong, for so many reasons. I never wanted her to feel like I took advantage of her and the fact that she was so lost and vulnerable right then made me a complete asshole. I wasn’t going to let it happen again. So I just had to shake myself out of this intense hold she had on me and be strong for both of us.
“I made soup,” I said smoothly as I turned around and reached for a set of bowls. “I hope tomato basil is alright.”
“Y-yes,” she said so quietly that I barely heard her. “That sounds perfect.”
I didn’t have to turn around to know that she slid one of the stools out from under the island. I took the bowls and made my way around to the other side. I sat next to her after placing the bowls down and digging out some spoons for us to eat with.
We were silent as we casually ate our soup. I think neither one of us knew what to say.
“Your hair,” she said, her eyes down on the half-eaten bowl of soup.
I couldn’t help it, I laughed. That was the first words she’d spoken to me when I saw her in the motel room. I hadn’t said anything about it then and I didn’t really know what to say now.
“Yeah,” I said running my free hand over my newly shaved head. “I actually did it right before you called me. I figured that it was time.”
“Time? Why?” she asked, her head slowly turning to look at me. Her brows pinched together in the cutest way and I could see the curiosity and confusion in her eyes.
“I feel like I’m getting a little too old for what I had going on,” I answered honestly.
Then her brows shot up to her hairline.
“Old?” She searched my face like she was trying to gauge how old I was.
“I’ll be forty in three months.”
“Oh…” Her cheeks grew red and she quickly turned her attention back to her bowl.
I almost hated to ask. No, I did hate to ask. I knew the answer was probably going to make me cringe and feel somewhat dirty. However, I felt like I needed to know. I could tell she was young and I feared just how young.
“And you?” I resisted the urge to screw my eyes closed tight as I waited for the answer.
“Twenty-four,” she said and I could tell her mind was going a mile a minute.
I wondered what she was thinking about. Adding up the years that separated us? Thinking how gross it was that she’d kissed someone as old as me? Thinking I was some kind of cradle-robbing, dirty freak? Or, perhaps, she was taking it all in and thinking it might not be as bad as I was imagining it.
“Twenty-five in like five months,” she said and the words rushed out of her mouth like it would somehow help the situation. It didn’t make much difference really. “But age is really just a number, right?”
She shouldn’t have been asking me that. I was honestly a little conflicted. I mean, she was way past legal, so there was that. But I had to stop myself because when I started thinking things like that it made me feel like I had a need to justify it. Which only made it worse in my mind.
“I mean not like it matters,” she blurted out and I shifted my gaze to her. She was doing her best to not look at me and somehow the blush on her cheeks had spread down her neck. Her hand flew up and she began to fiddle with the point of the collar. “I-I wasn’t insinuating anything. Not like there’s something going on here. Or, you know, anything.”
And just because I couldn’t help myself, I turned to her. The movement caught her attention and she looked up at me. I cradled her face in my hands, loving how my hands seemed to frame her jaw just right. Then I slowly and hesitantly lowered my mouth to hers. I made sure to keep eye contact until the last second because I had to know that the first kiss wasn’t just a fluke. I needed to know that she felt this thing between us too. She didn’t pull away and her body didn’t tense up, so I took it as a green light.
My lips met hers softly. I would have said that I really tried, that I got in there and gave it all that I had. But the truth was, the moment we touched, I lost everything. I lost the ability to think. To speak even if I wanted to. I lost the ability to find which way was up and even where I was. Everything happened so naturally that I didn’t need to over think it. I didn’t need to plan my next move. I didn’t need to make sure that I made it good.
The kiss was tender and slow. Her lips were soft and sweet. I didn’t demand entrance and somehow found myself completely absorbed in the simple bouncing of our lips.
She fisted my shirt, her arms reluctantly tugging me ever so closer to her body. My hands fell away from her jaw, sliding down her neck and resting on the curve. Her skin was smooth and warm against my calloused hands.
I got lost in the moment and couldn’t even tell you how long we went on like this. Tentative, slow, soft kisses with barely a pause in between.
I pulled back before we got carried away. I was trying to make a point…one that I was having trouble remembering right now.
Oh, yeah!
“There’s something here,” I said and my voice was raw and thick. “I’m not going to try and act like there’s not, so you don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed to admit it too.”
“Okay,” she said breathlessly, her eyes half-lidded and it was obvious that she was still lost in the moment of the kiss. I wondered if she’d even really heard what I’d said.
Damn, she was adorable. Was it just me that made her this way? I sure as hell hope so.
“Luce,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, um, yeah?” She shook her head like she was trying to clear her thoughts.
“Eat, then we can talk or whatever you want.”
“Um, yeah,” she quickly turned her attention back to her bowl and hastily scooped up a spoonful.
I chuckled and got to work finishing the last little bit I had left in my bowl.
“This is good. Thank you,” she said not meeting my eyes.
“I don’t have much here, but I’m glad you like it.”
I made her sit while I cleaned up. Once the dishes were clean, dried, and put away, I turned to her.
“What now?” I asked letting her choose what we did.
She’d been through a lot and I didn’t want to push her. That didn’t mean that I wouldn’t be there for her when she was ready to talk. But for now, if she wanted to sleep some more or zone out watching mindless TV, then that was fine with me.
“Can we maybe watch something?” she asked tentatively. “I think I still need to process everything.”
“Sure,” I said with a nod and a smile. I pointed in the direction of the living room. “Go get settled and I’ll grab us some waters.”
She slid off the stool and walked out of the room. I stood there long enough to count to ten. I needed that time to refocus myself. Then I grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge, relishing in the way they cooled my hands. I felt like I was on fire and not just from the kiss. It was being near her. So close. Her smell. Her voice.
All those times I imagined how she would sound had nothing on the real thing. It was sweet and a little bit dark. When it hit my ears it held the warmth of the best kind of laughter. It was strange and I felt so weird trying to explain all the things she did to me. And it was just her being herself. That was all. It brought on this kind of nervousness in me. The kind I hadn’t felt in a long time. I almost felt…giddy, for lack of a better word.
I never imagined that could be a thing.
Whatever
this feeling was, I’d never experienced it before.
Maybe it was that I’d been so closed off for so long.
Or it could have been that the past days’ events were screwing with my mind.
But something told me that it wasn’t. The events that brought us together were dark and chaotic, but the feeling I had inside of me right now was the complete opposite of that.
When I got to the living room, I found her curled up in the middle of the couch with the remote in her hand. She was flipping through the channels with an incense focus in her wide-eyes.
So, I didn’t keep much in my places. I would have said they were half furnished at best. I didn’t have a dining room table. Or even a full living room set. Which meant, that I had a couch. As in one. There was also a TV mounted to the wall and a decent sized coffee table. I also had a couple of lamps. One of those lamps was currently on, settling the room in a nice, soft glow.
But back to the sitting options, there was only one. Since she was sitting in the middle of that one option, I was either going to have to sit very close to her, or plant my ass on the floor. I hoped that she was aware of what she was doing and that she wanted me to sit next to her. Only one way to find out. I set the waters on the coffee table and slowly lowered myself down watching for signs that she wanted space. I got none. In fact, the moment my body sank into the cushions, she scooted closer to me. Since her eyes were glued to the flicking images on the TV, I couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not. But I didn’t care, I was going to take it and soak up the warmth that came off of her.
“I haven’t watched TV in so long,” she whispered continuing to go through the different options.
I thought it was a bit strange. Most everyone owned a TV nowadays. But instead of asking her why, I offered up some of my favorites.
“I like to watch those home renovation shows. It calms me for some reason.” I was sure there was more to it than that, but I never let myself think too hard about it.
“Okay, that sounds good.”
I slid the remote out of her hand and turned it to one of the channels I had memorized. It was in the middle of some flip-it house show. I waited to see if she said anything and when she didn’t, I set the remote down on the arm of the couch.
Eventually, her head leaned to the side, coming to rest on my shoulder. At this, I felt myself having to bite back a smile.
“I’m not crazy about the colors they chose for that bedroom,” she said a while later making me chuckle silently.
I’d been thinking the same thing. The yellow on the walls was the thing that made me cringe. Then again, I wasn’t a fan of yellow and wouldn’t really want it on my walls, that was for damn sure.
“The yellow with the green accents…it just reminds me of a bowl of lemons and limes,” she went on. “I don’t think I would like to look at that every day. Especially in my bedroom. Nothing about it screams sexy or ‘take me now, Mr. Stud-man’ even a little bit.”
That last statement made me choke and then coughed to cover it up. Real smooth, I thought as I mentally shook my head at myself.
“Oh, sorry,” she said biting her bottom lip for a second. “I guess I’m not used to having someone around.”
“It’s alright. I get it.” I wasn’t just saying that. I did get it.
“I’ve pretty much been isolated the last seven years. I mean, not so much in the beginning, but once I moved out of my parents’ house and into my own place, I really shut the world out. It probably didn’t help that when I moved out, I moved far away. I just wanted to leave everything behind, I guess.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I mean, I don’t think I wanted it to happen, it just sort of did. I got super focused on…finding Allison. God,” she said with a heavy breath. “I just feel strange now. Like I’ve been looking for her for so long and now it’s over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy that she’s safe now. But I kind of just feel like…what am I supposed to do now, you know?”
“Sure,” I said because while I didn’t really know the feeling, I understood where she was coming from. “So, that’s what you’ve been doing all this time? The computer stuff? You haven’t gone out and made new friends?” I figured this was a good time to try and get more out of her.
“Oh,” she said and giggled like she was a little embarrassed. “Yeah, I guess I kind of got lost and just never really stopped to pull myself out. You know? After a while, it sort of became my normal.” She shrugged but I could see how much it really did bother her. “But no need to worry. Look at me now. I’m hanging out. I’m talking to people. Well, a person. I can be all human-y.”
I laughed because that was just so damn cute. And the way that she said it with a wink made it all the better.
Clearly, she didn’t want to go down that road. She wasn’t ready to dig into that part of herself and think about how the choices she’d made had in a way forced her to leave the girl she used to be behind.
“Allison,” she started and I moved to turn the volume down on the TV a little so she knew that I was giving her my full attention. “She was my best friend.”
I kind of got that much already but didn’t say that. Lucy got this faraway look in her eyes and I figured it was just best to let her go through what she needed to. If I felt like she was getting to lost in the past, then I’d pull her back.
After a long moment of stillness, she began her story. She told me about how close the two of them were. She shared special memories with me. I could see the smile in her eyes as she remembered happier times. At one point, I reached my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into my side. She snuggled in closer, pulling her legs in tighter under her body. I held her, hoping that I was bringing her some kind of comfort.
I knew this story was going to take a turn for the worse. I just wasn’t really sure how because I wasn’t clued into the situation.
Lucy began to shake as she told me about the night of Allison’s seventeenth birthday. How Savage had taken Allison from her home and how she’d been there to see it all. How Allison’s father stood there and did nothing to save his daughter. The tears began to fall when she explained to me how helpless she felt right then and the days that followed.
As much as I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault and that she shouldn’t blame herself, I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Sometimes words didn’t matter. I understood that more than anyone. She had explained to me, in somewhat simple terms, how she began to figure her way around things. Then, I got the feeling like her skills just continued to blossom and grow as she pushed herself more and more. All of it because she wanted to find her best friend. It was noble, but I knew she didn’t see it that way.
“It wasn’t like I was trying to spy on these people or watch them in a creepy way. Though, I guess it kind of was.” She shook her head. “I just wanted to find him. I figured if I found him then I could find her.”
“That makes sense. But I’m guessing it wasn’t that easy?”
“No,” she said wiping the tears from her cheeks. “It took years before I even saw him again. He was like this ghost.” She paused and looked up at me. “Kind of like you.” There was a tiny twitch of her lips that had me thinking she wanted to smile.
I shrugged.
“Not that I’m comparing the two of you. You are…not like him at all.”
“I know you aren’t saying that.” I brought my hand up and brushed the hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear so that I could see her entire face. “I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I could never imagine hurting anyone. Especially not like that.”
“I know. I can see that in you. Sure, your job is a little on the…interesting side, but I never got the feeling that you’d intentionally hurt anyone.”
It was true. Then it hit me big time. The fact that I’d killed someone. I felt myself drifting off as I remembered that moment. Nothing had ever felt like that before and I could definitely say that I wasn’t in a rush to feel that again.
While I probably shouldn’t have said anything because I didn’t want her to feel any kind of blame for it, I also didn’t want to hide things from her. I felt safe with her and lying was not something you should do with someone you feel safe with. Or that was what I believed.
“That man. The one in the motel room,” I said shifting my gaze to hers. She gave me a tiny nod like she knew which one I was talking about. “That was my first kill.”
Her mouth dropped open as a look of stunned surprise flashed on her face, and I saw everything playing out in her eyes. Realization. Sadness. Shock. Empathy.
“Please, don’t feel bad. I would do it again if I had to. No questions asked. I’m not really sure how I feel, I guess. I took a life and that is not something that rests easily on the soul. But at the same time, it was between you and him. I’d always choose you. I want to justify it by saying that he wasn’t a good person anyway, but that feels wrong too.”
“I get it. I’ve never, um, done that until that night too. It was them or me, but I still have to live with the things I’ve done. Right or wrong, it still stays with you.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“But he wasn’t good. And sometimes I believe that people get what they deserve. He fucking deserved what he got.”
My brows went up in surprise at her words. Then there was a smile spreading across her face slowly. I could feel my lips following her lead.
“Sorry, that might be a bit bold. But it’s the truth. Thank you. I don’t even want to think of what would’ve happened…”
“We’re kind of fucked up, huh?” I hadn’t meant to say it but it just seemed to slip out.
“Maybe a little,” she said with a laugh.
“It looked like you handled yourself pretty well. I think you would have been alright if I hadn’t shown up.”
