by Joy Eileen
“Who cares whether they leave or not? I'm ready,” he answered, taking my hand.
We said goodnight to Taze and Stace, who were on their way home. From the shine in Taze's eyes, I figured they were going to ring in the New Year in a similar fashion to what I had in mind.
D had snuck off to bed right after the ball dropped, reminding us what time we had to be at Ray's the next day for the bus. I spotted Jet and Amy sprinting up the stairs and figured they had the same idea as Kill and I.
Van was passed out on the recliner with a bottle of tequila in his hand. I removed the bottle and covered him with a blanket. While I tucked Van in, Kill made sure everyone had a sober ride home or a piece of carpet to pass out on. When our hosting duties were done, I jumped into Kill's arms and let him carry me upstairs.
We explored each other all night, not bothering to sleep. As dawn approached, brightening my bedroom and reminding us of our fading time, our movements became more frenzied. We bruised each others bodies, staking claims until all of our energy was spent.
"Let's take a shower," Kill whispered in my ear.
Kill pulled me to him as the water cascaded over our naked bodies. The realization that he was hours away from leaving rekindled my frantic need to be near him.
"I'm going to miss you so much," I said, burying my face in his chest to hide my tears.
"It will go by quick. I promise." Kill braced my back against the cool tiles and, instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist. Our shower turned into a marathon of frenzied lust that lasted until the hot water was a long ago memory.
We took our time getting ready in the tiny space inside our little bubble. Kill reached for the door handle but didn't move to twist it. My arms wrapped around his chest, and I snuggled my face into his back.
Kill let out a long sigh. "I don't want to open the door, Slick. When I do, it will mean we’ll be apart."
Kill turned his head, and our eyes locked. When we’d been getting ready, I’d noticed we both had bloodshot eyes, but whether the reason was lack of sleep or the attempt to keep our tears at bay, I wasn't sure.
"It will be okay, Killer." His grin surfaced, and he kissed me quickly on the mouth.
"You're right. I'm just going to miss your snoring." He winked at me and finally turned the knob. He grabbed my hand, and we walked downstairs together.
My little family was gathered in the living room. An excited sadness blanketed the air.
“Do you guys want breakfast?” I asked, glancing at the clock to see there wasn't much time, but I wanted to take care of them as long as I could. They’d done so much for me, and now they were leaving.
As I expected, they all shook their heads while studying the ground.
“What the hell is wrong with you guys? You're starting the biggest adventure of your lives. People would die to get a chance to do what you're about to do. So you’d better fucking start smiling,” I ordered.
Jet leapt up and hugged me. “We're going to miss your sexy, sassy ass,” he said, slapping me on the ass to make his point.
I blinked back the tears I’d been holding back. Leave it to Jet to make me teary eyed by slapping my ass. “Well hell, I'm going to miss you guys too. Listen to me. You took me in when I needed something stable, and you protected me from my past, allowing me to heal. I love all of you so much. I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how amazing you are. As human beings and as musicians. Go out there and rock the fuck out of every show, like I know you can. Let the world see what they were missing by not showing up at Ray’s. I'll be fine here, and I'll cook you something amazing when you get back.”
Van jumped up, and I could see the instant regret on his face. He held onto his head like he was trying to get it to stop spinning. After a moment, he seemed to reclaim his bearings and came over to wrap me in a tight hug. “We love you too, sis, and we're going to miss you.”
I squeezed him tighter. "I'm going to miss you, Mr. Snuggles."
After Van let me go, D approached me next. I couldn't read his face, but he looked almost like he was feeling remorse. I didn't take what he’d said to me personally. I knew his time would come when he would find a girl who would bring him to his knees. “Call me if you need anything. Always remember that you took care of us just as much as we did you."
Amy bounded over next and pulled me into a sugar-scented hug. “I'll see you on graduation day. If not sooner," she said, after taking her licorice stick out of her mouth.
“Be good, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I replied.
She giggled around her candy, like I’d made an asinine suggestion.
“Okay, well, if you do, just name it after me,” I relented.
“Deal,” she agreed quickly.
“Alright, let’s get you on that bus,” I said, feeling less confident then what I was portraying.
After I gave everyone one more hug, Kill claimed my attention by throwing his arm over my shoulder.
“I love you, Slick. I'm going to miss you like crazy. Are you sure you don’t want to come along?”
I shook my head, as I watched Amy stand with them, enviously. Her schedule allowed her to leave with the band. Mine would too, if I abandoned the one class I was taking, but I had waited too long to give up on my dream class. At first, I’d planned on going with the boys for a week maybe two before school started. The desperate look Ray had shot me when he’d asked me to stay killed that idea. With school just around the corner, people were coming back into town after break, swamping the bar every night. With everything Ray had done for me, I couldn't leave him in a lurch, as much as I wanted to.
“I wish, but I couldn't do that Ray. Don't think the thought of dropping out of school and becoming your permanent roadie hasn't crossed my mind. But I’ve worked way too hard to leave when I'm so close to finishing.”
“You know that’s one of the reasons I love you so much. I'm so proud of you. I hate that I won’t be here to see you reach for your goal.”
“Come on, you two. We need to get to Ray’s so we can load the bus,” D yelled, already striding toward the front door.
We piled into D’s Highlander, none of us saying a word on the ride over. Everything the boys needed was already at Ray’s waiting to be loaded on the bus. Ray had given me a key so I could get in and lock up afterward. The boys tried to get him to meet them at the bar to say goodbye, but according to Ray, nothing could get him up at that ungodly hour—not even the boys.
During the drive, I noticed Van checking his phone religiously.
"Have you heard from her?" I asked him, leaning over the seat.
"No. I texted her asking her to meet us at Ray's, but she hasn't responded."
I kissed the back of his bald head as I cursed my best friend for being such an idiot.
The bus was already idling at the front of Ray’s as we pulled up. As soon as our feet hit the asphalt, there was a flurry of activity. The boys helped load everything under the bus.
All four boys and Amy scrambled aboard the bus, screaming as they pushed at one another. The only word I could make out, besides every four-letter word I’d ever heard, was dibs, as they declared the rack they wanted.
I walked on the bus at a slower pace. I had no reason to secure a sleeping spot, so I didn't feel the need to rush. Melancholy pummeled me with every step, and it took all the will I had to keep the tears at bay.
Jet and Amy were snuggled into one of the bigger racks, already seeming at home. Kill's hand reached out from behind a curtain and pulled me into the rack he would now call home. We situated ourselves in the tiny space, our faces inches apart.
A picture of us together was already taped to the wall. My valiant effort was destroyed when I saw our smiling faces staring back at me. One lone tear spilled onto my cheek, as my body admitted defeat.
“Hey, it will go by fast; I promise. Don’t be sad; I'm doing this for us,” he whispered. He braced himself on top of me and peppered kisses over my tear-streaked face.
“You're a part of me, Slick. You saved me from myself and my destructive ways. You're my family, so everything I do is for us.” I blinked up at him until he was no longer blurry. “I love you, Slick, and I'm going to miss the fuck out of you.”
“I love you too, Killer. Go have fun. I'll be here, if you still want me,” I said, trying to be funny.
His jaw clenched, telling me he didn't find my attempt at humor funny at all. The urge to eat the words that just left my mouth was maddening. The last thing I wanted to do was fight right before he left. Or maybe that was exactly what I wanted to do. Fighting couldn't hurt as bad as the grinding pain I felt knowing the bus would be pulling out of the parking lot in a few minutes.
“Slick, you need to understand. I need what I'm going to say to stick in that beautiful head of yours. I will always want you, and nothing is going to change that.” He rolled off me and yanked the curtains back so he could climb out of the rack. His jaw ticked as he extended his hand to help me crawl out after him. His dimples flashed on and off his cheeks as his eyes played through different emotions.
I couldn't handle the pain I saw there, so I diverted my gaze to study the evil vehicle that would be taking him away from me. The bus was nicer than I’d expected. There was a small kitchen area with a tiny table equipped with bench seats on each side. A little living area contained a couch and flat screen TV mounted on the wall across from it.
The bus driver, Gus, walked in while I was studying the interior. "Everything is secure, and we’re ready to depart," he said with a thick southern accent.
Kill took my hand and introduced me. "Gus, this is the love of my life, Faith."
Gus was a short, skinny older man with salt-and-pepper hair. The front of his shiny head had lost the fight, while the back held fast to every strand of hair for dear life. His mouth had crease lines on each side, marking his lifetime of smiles. I wrapped my arms around him in a secure hug.
“Take care of all of them. They’re my boys. They’re my everything,” I whispered into his ear.
He nodded, showing me he understood. I gave all the boys hugs as I made my way off the bus. I refused to let them say goodbye. We had already done that in the living room, and I couldn't do it again.
D handed me the keys to the Highlander after I released him. In fact, I had the keys to all of their cars so I could start them periodically and keep the batteries from dying. Kill was the last one waiting for me at the bus door. I walked over to him with a faded smile, noticing his eyes shimmered with tears.
“Go have fun, Killer,” I said, touching his cheek and kissing him on the mouth.
Our lips clashed together, hard and fast. We pulled apart quickly, knowing we needed to stop before it went too far. We couldn’t do anything with everyone around us, so there was no point getting all worked up.
“I love you, Slick.”
He started to say more, but I kissed him silent. “I love you too, Killer. No goodbyes. I'm not strong enough.”
“You're stronger than you think.”
My legs shook as I went down the steps. Gus put the bus in gear, and all the boys were plastered to the tinted windows, waving as they drove away. I waved back until the bus turned the corner, and I could no longer see them.
CHAPTER 25
My motions were robotic as I locked up Ray’s. I refused to let the pain get to me—at least not until I was somewhere I didn’t have to function normally. Thankfully, I had taken the day off. I already knew there’d be no way I could make it through a work day.
Every task I completed, no matter how trivial, was accomplished on auto-pilot. When I entered the house, goosebumps broke out over my arms at the eerie quiet around me, my movements echoed off the walls.
I pulled out a couple of garbage bags, needing to keep busy. My body felt numb from the onslaught of repressed emotions. I was sure they would bombard me soon enough.
As I started to clean up from last nights party, I found a pair of panties and other things I would never be able to wash from my brain. With that in mind, I disinfected everything, did the dishes, scrubbed the floors, and vacuumed. When I switched the vacuum off, I heard my phone ringing. I made a mad dash to answer it, my heart fluttering in my chest. My dad’s number flashed across the screen, and for a second, I contemplated letting it go to voicemail. As soon as the thought went through my head, though, guilt flooded me.
“Hey, Dad,” I said, plopping down on the couch to stare at the blank TV.
“Hey, young lady. Did the boys make it to the bus okay?”
“Yep, I just got home from dropping them off,” I said still, holding in the tears dammed-up behind my eyes.
“Are you doing alright? Martha and I were talking and if you need us to fly down there, we would be more than happy to see you again.”
“No, I’m fine. Besides, school starts soon, and I wanted to relax until I have to put in my last ditch effort to finish.”
“Are you sure? You still have a long time before you have to start class again. We can go to the zoo or shop for new shoes.”
I smiled at my dad’s attempt to make me happy. “As much as it pains me to turn down new shoes, work is too busy for me to try and sneak away. I promise I'll be fine, but I'll call you if I get too lonely,” I said to placate him.
“Okay, do you want to talk to Martha?”
“Nah, I'm tired. Now that I've seen the boys off safely, I'll probably be out for the rest of the day.”
“Okay, call us if you need anything. Get some sleep, young lady. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
As pitiful as it was, I put on the t-shirt Kill had worn the night before, because it smelled like him. When I reached the bed, I noticed my pillow was gone. I searched the floor and gave up when I couldn’t find it, too tired to care at the moment.
I buried my nose in Kill's pillow. I missed him so badly it hurt. Finally, I let the tears fall. Loud sobs wracked my body as I cried. My phone rang somewhere next to me. At first I thought it was my dad again, but when I saw Kill’s number, the smile on my face was instantaneous. I cleared my throat and wiped my face before I answered, afraid he’d be able to tell I was bawling.
“Hey, Killer,” I answered brightly.
“Miss me yet?” he asked.
I did. The pain I felt without him near was almost crippling. It was ridiculous how much his absence affected me. I wouldn't let him leaving pull me under. I couldn't be that girlfriend who crumbled because her boyfriend went away-but it wouldn't stop me from missing him.
“You're gone?” I asked, making him chuckle.
“Well, I miss you, smart ass. I was thinking about what you said before we left.”
My stomach plummeted, wondering if after just a couple of hours on the road, he’d figured out there was no way he could stay committed to me. Maybe he realized my logic had been spot on.
“I know what you were doing, and I'm not going to let you sabotage us. We're perfect for each other. I thought I’d broken down all of your defenses, but I guess a few got by me. I'm not going to hurt you, Slick, and that's something I'm going to have to prove to you. You can push me away all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. You said you trusted me, and I'm holding you to that.”
I listened while tears cascaded down my cheeks. Exhaustion from staying up all night weighed heavily on me, and the emotional roller coaster I’d been riding threw my head into a state of confusion. I stayed quiet, listening to him breathe, relishing the sound. My eyes closed for just a second as I wished he was in my bed with me. I’d told him I trusted him, and I’d meant it. My heart was just bruised from having to let him go.
“Are you there?” Kill asked anxiously.
“Yeah, I’m here. I was just listening to you breathe. I miss that sound. I wasn't trying to sabotage us. It was a stupid thing to say, and I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh. I m
iss you; that's all.”
“I miss you too. I don’t know how I'm going to be able to sleep without you snoring in my ear.”
I laughed out loud, something I hadn’t thought I’d be able to do for a few days. “I don’t snore.” I felt better just talking to him.
“Where are you?” he asked. His voice went husky, and my core flooded with lust.
“I’m in bed. I was going to take a nap, since we were both up for over twenty-four hours.”
“Missing anything?”
At first, his question confused me, but then I remembered my halfhearted search for my pillow. “Did you take my pillow?”
“I needed something that smelled like you, and I didn’t want to chance Jet finding a pair of your underwear. I figured your pillow would be a safer option.”
“I'm worried about the amount of thought you had to put into that. I do appreciate you keeping my panties a safe distance from Jet, though. I'm wearing the shirt you wore yesterday before we got ready for the party.”
“Ahh, shit, are you trying to kill me? I don’t need to think about you wearing my clothes in bed with a bunch of guys around me. Although I'm confident I can convince you to have phone sex with me tonight when everyone's sleeping.”
I rolled my eyes, knowing full well he was probably right. Hell, just hearing him whisper on the phone had my vagina ready for some action.
“So confident in yourself. You know it isn’t a very attractive trait,” I lied.
“You love it, because you love me.”
Someone started yelling at him in the background. He shouted back, telling them he’d be there in a second.
“Sorry, sexy lady. D wants to go over the itinerary and our set list for tomorrow’s show. I'll call you later tonight for our date.”
“We'll see. Get some sleep, Killer. I know you’ve been awake just as long as I have, and you need to be in your best condition for your fans tomorrow.”
“Always taking care of me. I love you. I'll call you later so you can comply to my commands.”
