“It’s better this way, Joe,” she finally said. “Please, accept it.”
Before anyone could find them, she hurried back to Richard. She didn’t know if Joe would accept it this time. He’d been surprisingly stubborn up to now.
When she reached Richard, she saw him stirring from his sleep. She smiled and got back into the bedroll with him. He was still naked from the night before when they’d made love. She hadn’t expected their intimate moments to bring them closer together, but it seemed to have done that.
Fortunately, he’d made it a habit of putting their bedrolls further from the group anyway. She wanted to be discreet so no one else would know what they were doing. The matter was much too personal.
She wrapped her arms around him and sighed in contentment. She still had a hard time believing he’d loved her all those years. How was it possible she hadn’t known? Hadn’t even once picked up on the slightest hint of it?
“You’re already awake?” Richard murmured as he brought her closer to him.
“I couldn’t sleep anymore,” she whispered.
“It’s still early out.”
“I know, but I like it this time of day. It’s still peaceful and quiet.”
At least it was when Joe wasn’t coming up to her. Perhaps they’d slept too far from the others. Otherwise, Joe probably wouldn’t have approached her. But she liked these moments with Richard.
She slipped her hand in his and settled her head against his chest. “I like it this time of day right before everything gets busy,” she whispered.
“I do, too. I especially like to look at the stars right before dawn. They seem brighter.” After a moment, he added, “But you know, the sunrise is nice, too.”
“Is it?” She hadn’t taken the time to look at the sunrise before. Sure, she’d been awake when it was happening, but she’d been too busy getting ready for the day to notice it.
“I like to take a moment to stop and watch it. The colors are better than any paint man can make, and something about knowing a new day is on the horizon is exciting. Each day comes with its opportunities.”
“Opportunities for what?”
He shrugged. “I hadn’t really thought of it. In New York, I suppose it meant improving my skills. Out here, it’s another day I get to be with you. I wouldn’t trade this time for anything.”
She couldn’t help but agree. Being out here gave her a deeper appreciation for him. He was patient, gentle, and kind. It was something he always was, of course, but seeing him during the long days on the trail made her that much more aware of it. He wasn’t just good to her. He was good to everyone. But there was no denying the circumstances that brought them into marriage had proven he was the best husband she could have hoped for.
“I’m glad for this time we have, too,” she finally whispered.
It was a shame things wouldn’t be this nice once they got to Omaha. Because when they reached Omaha, it was a matter of time before she started showing in her pregnancy, and his parents weren’t going to be at all pleased about it.
She released her breath and closed her eyes, willing the dawn to hold back for a while longer. The dawn might have meant good things for Richard, but for her, it meant one day of getting closer to Omaha. Then after his parents knew she was with child, they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her. A tear fell from her eye, but she brushed it away before he noticed.
Chapter Sixteen
A few days later after the group ended another day of travel, Amanda went to the small river to gather water. Once again, Laura hadn’t joined her. Amanda thought over the last time Laura had filled up her family’s canteens next to her and realized it had been before they reached town. Funny how she hadn’t noticed Laura’s absence right away.
But then, she had many things on her mind, the most pressing of them being how she was going to explain the baby to Mr. and Mrs. Larson. No matter what she’d say, she couldn’t imagine it ending well. Whatever she did, though, she would make sure they didn’t blame Richard for it. She knew he fully intended to take the blame, but she couldn’t let him do that. He’d done enough for her already.
She finished filling her and Richard’s canteens then rose to her feet. Another day was coming to an end, and that meant tomorrow would soon be here. One day closer to having to disappoint Mr. and Mrs. Larson. Her stomach rolled in protest, but she ignored it and headed back toward the wagons.
On her way to hers, she caught sight of Laura who was feeding Jesse’s baby with a bottle. Laura was softly singing a lullaby, and she was smiling at the boy.
Amanda had no idea Laura had a soft spot for babies. On a whim, she approached her. “You look like you’re enjoying yourself.”
Laura stopped singing and looked up at her. “I am. He’s a miracle. He’s so tiny. My ma says he was born so early that he shouldn’t have made it, but he did.”
After a moment, Amanda said, “I was wrong. It looks like Jesse and his mother-in-law are happy to have your help.”
“Well, Mrs. Shaw was too exhausted to keep holding him, so she’s letting me feed him. She’s taking a nap right now.” After a pause, she added, “It’s nice when she naps. It’s the only time there’s quiet.”
Considering how much Mrs. Shaw liked to criticize Jesse, Amanda didn’t doubt the truth in that statement. She made it a point to avoid Mrs. Shaw whenever possible. The only time she saw the old woman was when she was on the way to the privy or the steam. Otherwise, she was blissfully unaware of what the woman was doing or saying to make poor Jesse miserable.
“Is Mrs. Shaw giving you a hard time, too?” Amanda asked.
“She’s not all that happy Jesse is letting me help care for him, but she has said even an inexperienced young lady does a better job than Jesse.”
Amanda winced. “That isn’t nice.”
“No, it’s not. He really wants to care for Elliot. I heard stories of some men who don’t want to have anything to do with their child when his wife dies in childbirth, but Jesse isn’t like that. He seems to want to take even more care of him because Elliot was the last gift Elsie gave him. She picked a good man when she married him.”
“It sounds like it. What a shame it is that Mrs. Shaw can’t see it.”
“It is a shame.” Laura turned her gaze back to the baby and smiled. “Elliot’s small, but he’s got a strong spirit. I think he’s going to do well despite his weak beginning.”
“I hope so,” Amanda whispered.
Amanda didn’t want to think about the baby she was carrying. Richard said he’d give the child his name and treat him as his own, and she had no doubt Richard would do all of it. But how was she supposed to tell Mr. and Mrs. Larson about the baby?
Amanda glanced over at Mrs. and Mrs. Larson’s wagon. Mrs. Larson was gathering supplies to make supper, and Mr. Larson was telling Tom and Dave what to do so they could get things settled for the evening. Joel, it seemed, was struggling to sew on the pocket to Jenny’s apron while Sally and Jenny helped their mother.
Though Mr. and Mrs. Larson did everything they could to make her feel welcome, she couldn’t help but feel like an outsider. They’d never approve of her, not after they counted the months and realized the baby wasn’t conceived in wedlock. She should just tell them the truth. She grimaced. But if she did that, then everyone would think of Mr. Price whenever they looked at the baby.
The baby would grow up being an outsider, much like the way she felt. If she went with her original idea and let Mr. and Mrs. Larson believe she’d seduced Richard or got him drunk, at least they’d welcome the baby as one of their family. That would be the best thing she could do for the child.
“Are you feeling alright?” Laura asked, bringing her back to the present.
Amanda forced her gaze off of the Larsons and turned it back to Laura. “Yes. I’m just tired.”
“Been staying up late at night with Richard, huh?”
Amanda frowned. How did Laura know so much about what she did?
“You notice a lot.”
She lowered her gaze, her cheeks turning pink. “I try not to. My mother’s been at me to mind my own business.”
Amanda glanced around them, glad no one was near enough to hear them. “You really don’t see or hear anything?”
Laura shook her head. “You two are discreet. Plus, you’re also newly married, and it’s to be expected you’d like to be alone. I just used common sense. I swear I haven’t been spying on you.”
“You’re just observant. I don’t notice most of what’s going on around me.” It was too bad Laura hadn’t been there to warn Amanda that Mr. Price lusted after her.
“I hope I don’t make you uncomfortable,” Laura said. “I really am working on minding my own business. Mother says I’m going to push people away from me if I keep coming up to them and letting them know what’s going on. She’s not happy with me helping with Elliot, but she knows Jesse needs it and Mrs. Shaw doesn’t have much energy.”
And no one else was offering to help. Laura didn’t have to say it. Amanda knew that’s how it happened. She couldn’t imagine Jesse would come up to anyone and ask for help. His way seemed to be to try to figure out how to do something himself. It might have been what motivated him to go to Omaha to make a homestead for his family. Perhaps something in the challenge of it had appealed to him.
“Would it help if I took care of Elliot with you? We could take turns,” Amanda offered. “Then your mother might not mind it so much.”
“I like taking care of him. It’s something I look forward to.” Elliot let out a second burp, and she settled him back on her arm then continued feeding him. “I think my mother would complain even if you helped with him.”
Would she? Amanda didn’t know anything about Laura’s parents. They kept to themselves. But it was telling to know how Laura felt about her mother, at least in this situation.
“If you’d like me to help, let me know,” Amanda said.
“I will. Thank you.”
Laura smiled, and once again, Amanda found herself envying her. Laura must have naturally been born with a cheerful personality. No matter the situation, she seemed to find the best in things. Much like Richard.
Amanda’s eyebrows furrowed. Was it possible people like her—people who seemed shadowed by the darker side of life—were drawn to people like Laura and Richard? And, even more puzzling, did people like Laura and Richard feel drawn to those who needed some light in their lives?
Up to now, Amanda had assumed the darkness would seep into Richard’s life if she let him in. But maybe it was the other way around. Maybe it was his light that was dispelling the darkness within her. She did feel happier with him.
As Amanda headed back to her wagon, she glanced at Jesse, wondering how he managed to keep going every day, knowing he had to face each one without Elsie. From outward appearances, he looked like any other man on the wagon train. He was taking care of the oxen, just as Richard did every evening. He’d stopped crying after the day of the funeral. Well, he stopped crying in front of others. For all she knew, he still cried when he was alone. It was much easier for her to cry when no one else could see her. Maybe it was the same with him. Just because people didn’t show their grief, it didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
But her moments of despair weren’t so frequent anymore. It was getting easier to sleep through the night, especially when Richard was with her. She didn’t know if she would ever be able to forget the past, but maybe the pain of it would ebb over time. Nothing lasted forever, after all. Likewise, maybe there would be a day when Jesse would feel better, and maybe he’d even be able to fall in love with another woman. It made no sense to her why either she or him should be stuck in the same place for the rest of their lives.
“Amanda?” someone asked, drawing her attention away from Jesse.
She turned and saw Tom. Unaware she’d stopped to stare at Jesse, she quickly resumed her walk toward her wagon. “What is it, Tom?”
“How can I tell if a girl likes me or not?”
She gave him a closer look. How old was he now? Fifteen? She thought someone had mentioned he was fifteen now. It was strange to think of him as an older boy. She’d been so used to all of Richards brothers being little, much like Joel was even now. Since he was looking at her in a way that indicated he saw her as an authority on the subject of girls, she figured she should come up with something to tell him.
After thinking over his question for a moment, she finally said, “Well, when a girl likes a boy, she will probably be shy around him. It’ll be hard for her to know what to say because she’ll worry if she’s saying the right thing or not. No one wants to sound stupid, especially to the person they’re attracted to.”
“But you aren’t shy around Richard.”
“Richard and I have known each other since we were little. It’s different when you already know the person.” She paused then asked, “What’s the name of the girl you like?”
“Becky. Did Joel tell you I like her?”
“Yes.”
“Joe’s such a tattletale.”
She chuckled. “You shouldn’t let him know he bothers you. He’ll only keep picking on you as long as you give him what he wants.”
“I know, but it’s hard.”
“I’m sure it is,” she admitted. When Joel had his mind set to something, he could be stubborn. “But Tom, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting the same results.”
“I’ll try not to let Joel know he bothers me.”
She figured she couldn’t ask for more than that. While Joel was stubborn, Tom wasn’t. But he hadn’t asked her for advice on how to handle his brother. He was interested in Becky, so it would be best if she stuck to that. “You know, Tom, the best way to find out if a girl likes you or not is to ask her.”
His eyes grew wide. “You expect me to go right up to her and ask her something like that?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Because…because…she might say no.”
“Tom, you can’t let fear hold you back. If you want something badly enough, you have to be willing to take the risk.”
“But what if she thinks I’m silly for asking? What if I do something stupid and she laughs at me?”
“Then you’ll know she won’t be the right one for you.” They stopped at her wagon, and she turned to face him. “Don’t be afraid of going up to her and finding out if she wants to be with you or not. If she says no, then find someone else. There are a lot of girls out there. The right one will accept you as you are.”
“Amanda’s right,” Richard said.
She jerked, not realizing he’d been behind her.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Richard told her, settling his hand on the small of her back. “Tom, you can’t spend your life waiting for things to happen. You should go out and take the chance.” He smiled at Amanda. “I wish I’d done it sooner.”
She understood what he meant. If he’d told her how he felt sooner, he could have prevented everything that had happened with Mr. Price. But who was to know how things would go? It wasn’t like they could see into the future.
“Alright,” Tom said. “I’ll tell her I like her, and then I’ll ask her if she likes me.” He turned to leave but then stopped and looked back at them. “You won’t tell Joel, will you?”
“Your secret’s safe with us,” Richard promised.
“Thanks.” Relieved, Tom left.
She waited until Tom was out of earshot before saying, “Don’t be hard on yourself, Richard. No one could have known what was going to happen at my brother-in-law’s apartment.”
“No, but I wish I hadn’t let fear
hold me back. I couldn’t imagine why you’d let me court you when you could have had someone better.”
Though she hadn’t meant to, her gaze went to Joe. There was a time when she thought he might be her future.
“You know what?” she asked. “I’m coming to learn that things happen in the time they’re meant to.”
She slipped her arms around Richard’s waist and settled her head against his shoulder. There was a reason Joe hadn’t been there the night she went to his apartment and a reason why Richard found her when he did. She didn’t know if she would have appreciated Richard as much as she did if she hadn’t gone through everything she had.
Richard wrapped his arms around her. “I still wish it hadn’t happened, but I hope you know when you have the baby, I’ll accept him or her as my own. You don’t have anything to worry about there.”
“I know,” she whispered.
He stroked her hair then kissed the top of her head. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it together.”
She nodded in silent agreement. How easy it was to believe everything would be alright when he was holding her. If it could be like this all the time, she’d have nothing to dread or fear. She’d always be safe. She closed her eyes, choosing to enjoy this moment she had with him, when it was just the two of them and no one else mattered.
Chapter Seventeen
A week passed before Richard told Amanda he had to help Joe keep watch for the night.
She held the bedroll they’d been sharing in her arms and turned from the wagon so she could face him. “You have to be with Joe tonight?”
“To be fair, we’ve all been taking turns now,” he said. “All the other able men have done it.”
She was surprised the news disappointed her as much as it did. She’d spent lots of nights without him since they started this journey. How quickly she’d gotten used to having him with her. Forcing a smile, she said, “I didn’t realize it’d been that long since you last helped keep watch.”
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