“I should give her to someone who wants to be a parent,” he said, testing her reaction. “Someone who’s more capable and better suited to raise a child.”
“Who says you aren’t capable?”
“I do,” he said tersely.
“I see,” she said, although her expression held more curiosity and speculation than certainty. “Then why wait? Why not relinquish your legal responsibility now?”
Why not, indeed? The fact was, two very compelling reasons had prompted his wait-and-see decision. If Breanna was truly his, he’d be damned if he’d follow in his father’s footsteps and abandon her. Of course, that raised the question of what he’d do if she wasn’t his daughter. The answer would be easy, if not for one minor, yet mighty detail.
He exhaled slowly. “I made a promise.”
“I see.” She looked thoughtful. “How does the saying go? ‘Promises are made to be broken’?”
“Not mine,” he said firmly. He’d learned through bitter experience that a man’s word was the most valuable thing he owned. He couldn’t ignore that truth simply because it was convenient.
On the other hand, were verbal agreements valid when they were elicited without full disclosure? At the time, he would have sworn anything to keep Dee calm. Would he have been as quick to tell her what she’d wanted to hear if he’d known of Breanna’s existence, if he’d really known what he was pledging to do?
He’d obviously said the right words because a wide, approving smile stretched across Maggie’s face. “You’re a good man, Donatelli,” she said gruffly, “even if you don’t think you’re the best man for the job.”
“How can I be?” he asked. “I’m a single guy.”
“Lots of single parents, including men, raise kids.”
“I don’t have any idea how to take care of a baby, much less a little girl.”
“You’ll learn.”
He began to pace. “You don’t understand. I’m the last person a kid needs as a father figure. My own—” He cut himself off.
“Yes…?” she coaxed. “Your own…what?”
He didn’t want to explain and never felt the need to share the sordid tale. Dee was the only person who’d ever heard his story, but that had only been because she’d been a kindred spirit—a young woman who’d shared his experience. For his entire life, he’d placed that history into a small box he’d labeled “Keep Out” and stored it in the back of his memory while he’d gone to school and made a successful, rewarding career for himself. He’d built his life the way he wanted it and he was happy being a carefree, no-strings-attached bachelor.
At the same time, he knew Maggie would never understand his position if he didn’t explain. As soon as he did, she’d agree he wasn’t the best man for the job.
“My home life was dysfunctional, to say the least,” he said, omitting specifics. “My mother died when I was a baby and when I was five, my father disappeared, leaving me in foster care. By the time I was ten, I’d decided that parenting wasn’t in my future. I’m thirty years old and don’t have the first clue about dealing with a kid, much less a baby.”
To his surprise, Maggie didn’t gasp in horror, although he saw the sympathy in her eyes. “I’m sorry you didn’t grow up under ideal conditions,” she said softly, “but I know who you are today, Joe. I’ve seen you interact with children when we’ve worked accidents. You aren’t as incompetent as you think.”
“Handling a youngster during an emergency situation is different than in a day-to-day situation,” he added impatiently. “I don’t know the first thing about finding a sitter or a doctor. Then there’s formula and baby food, clothing sizes, and God only knows what else! What I know about a child’s daily needs would fit in a teaspoon.”
She shrugged. “Then you’ll learn. Do you think first time parents learn those things by osmosis, that it’s magically downloaded into their brains during delivery?”
OK, so maybe he could cope with the physical stuff like diapers and formula and clothing sizes, but the emotional aspect scared him spitless. How could he possibly give the love and support Breanna needed when he had nothing in his own experience to use as a pattern?
“I can’t screw up her life,” he said flatly.
“Giving up already?”
Her expression was inscrutable, but Joe sensed her disapproval. And if she disapproved of him breaking his promise, he could imagine the response he’d get from his superiors—quintessential family men—as well as the guys who worked alongside him in the trenches. None of them would understand; they’d only see the situation as one where he didn’t live up to the duties that a dead woman had given him, regardless of who had fathered her child. That was a big deal to men who safeguarded people and property at all costs.
He rubbed his eyes. “Promise or not, she’d be better off with a stable couple who wants children.”
“Dee apparently wanted you to do the honors,” she reminded him.
Dammit, Dee! Why did you drag me into this? And if Breanna is mine, why didn’t you tell me? Prepare me?
But she hadn’t and now he had to deal with this mess as best as he could. If the situation simply didn’t work out, then his conscience would be appeased, but he owed it to Dee to try his best in the meantime.
Which meant he needed a crash course on parenting from someone with experience…
Half resigned and half scared out of his wits at his fate, he met her gaze. “Regardless of what Dee was thinking, I can’t take on Breanna alone.”
“Once the guys at the station hear what happened, their wives will offer more help than you can ever imagine.”
He shook his head as his answer stood before him. “Not good enough. Oh, I’m sure they’ll be happy to pitch in once in a while or when I’m on duty, but what about the rest of the time?”
“You’ll function like every other single father. You’ll look after her, take her wherever you go, play with her, and pray for nap time.”
“And what if I have a problem, like today? I need someone I can depend on, day or night.” He turned a steady gaze on her. “Someone like my partner.”
Her jaw dropped. “Me? Why me?”
“Because you’re perfect. You’re single, so I wouldn’t feel guilty calling you at all hours, and you’re a woman so you’re a natural at the nurturing stuff.” As she sputtered, he continued, “You’re also the one with the huge family, scads of nieces and nephews. You have an instinct with kids. Why, look at the miracle you performed in the last thirty minutes.”
“Yes, but—”
“I need someone to teach me what to do. With your family experience, you’re the best candidate. The only candidate.”
No, Maggie screamed inside. As sorry as she was about his tough childhood, he should rely on someone who wanted the job. Joe’s suggestion was out of the question. Simply. Out. Of. The. Question.
“No,” she said, shaking her head for emphasis. “I’m not your man, or your woman as the case may be.”
He seemed surprised by her answer. “Why not? You love children.”
“I have my reasons.”
“Oh?”
His raised eyebrow made it plain that he was waiting for an explanation. He would wait for a long time, she thought wryly. For one thing it was too painful to discuss and for another she didn’t care to admit she’d been duped by a man who’d played her as expertly as a cellist played his instrument.
“I won’t discuss them,” she said stiffly. “Rest assured, my reasons are valid.”
“And mine aren’t?”
“OK,” she conceded, “maybe we both have good excuses but—”
“I’d heard via the grapevine that you’d almost married a guy with two kids.”
“‘Almost’ is the operative word,” she quipped to hide the ache that hadn’t completely disappeared. “Your situation is different.”
“Because we aren’t sleeping together?” he asked. “If that’s what it takes…”
A tingle shot through
her—a completely unwarranted tingle that started low in her belly and moved upward as a mental picture instantly developed in living color in her mind’s eye. A second later, she wiped away the image and shifted her weight to stop the electricity skittering across her nerve endings.
“Don’t be crude,” she snapped, as irritated by her response as by his offer. “I loved him and I loved…” her throat suddenly closed “…those little boys. Your circumstances don’t compare.”
“Dee’s daughter needs you as much as those two did, if not more. They had their father. She has no one except me and I’m not doing such a hot job.”
As if he needed to remind her of the little girl’s need while the infant sat on her lap and clutched Maggie’s shirt with one tiny fist. He had to state the obvious, which was guaranteed to tug at her heartstrings. “You’re not playing fair.”
“No, I’m not. If you expect me to have a hope of raising Breanna properly, I need your help.”
An image of Zach and Tyler flashed into her head. She hadn’t seen them for more than a year. Their father had decided to move back to Montana so he could leave his memories of his dead wife behind and renew his relationship with his high-school sweetheart. As soon as she’d recovered from the shock that he hadn’t reciprocated her love in spite of what she considered evidence to the contrary, she’d realized she’d simply been his stopgap measure. He’d used her to buy himself time to get over the proverbial hump of losing his wife and learning to deal with his two children. Once he had, he’d moved on.
And now Joe was asking her to put herself in the same position of being used again. Well, she couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t. She’d sworn off getting emotionally entangled with a man who had children and she wasn’t going to reverse her decision even if he had become a parent overnight.
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” she said flatly, trying to ignore Breanna’s sweet baby scent or the way she leaned against her with complete trust. “As you know, my story didn’t end on a happy note.”
“His loss.”
If the truth were known, it was more hers than his because she’d invested her heart and soul into their relationship, but she wouldn’t dwell on that right now. “I won’t let myself get emotionally involved again.”
“Says the woman who does it more often than not. Dare I mention the Hilda Myers situation?”
“According to what you so kindly pointed out at the time, you consider my emotional involvement to be a character flaw,” she countered.
He shrugged. “At times. At others, like now, it’s a strength.”
“In this case, it is a flaw,” she insisted. “I already know what will happen. I’ll grow attached to Breanna and then one day it’ll all be over!” I’m twenty-eight and once again I’ll be left with nothing.
“I can argue the same,” he said. “You could meet some guy and next thing I know, you and Mr. Maggie are having juniors and juniorettes all over the place.”
Oddly enough, his description startled her out of her panic and she laughed. “Mr. Maggie? Junior and juniorette?”
“You know what I mean.” He sounded impatient.
What he didn’t understand was that being with him day in and out was as dangerous to her peace of mind as becoming Breanna’s temporary mother figure. If she struggled with her attraction to Joe when they were on duty, how much more difficult would it be to keep her heart intact if she spent her free time with him as well?
“The point is,” he continued, “I won’t consider keeping Breanna unless I have someone I can depend on. Someone who has my back, so to speak.”
“You can’t dump your decision on my shoulders, Donatelli.”
He raised an eyebrow, his eyes cool. “After Hilda’s case came to a head, you accused me of not supporting you. ‘We didn’t function as a team,’ you said. This is our chance to do that, Maggie, or were you just paying lip service to the concept? Does your philosophy of teamwork only apply when it suits you?”
“I was talking about supporting each other on the job,” she stressed. “I wasn’t referring to our personal lives. They’re separate.”
“Only to a degree,” he pointed out. “Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have a problem working with me if I turned Breanna over to Social Services? That you wouldn’t treat me differently because I didn’t measure up to your standards?”
She bit her lip. Knowing he’d avoided his responsibilities probably would affect her opinion of him. And if she lost her respect for him because she questioned his decision-making ability, how could she ever hope they would function efficiently in an emergency?
“What about all these women you date?” she asked, desperate to provide another solution. “Surely one of them would be happy to—”
“You’re the one I want—the one I trust,” he said firmly.
“I’m flattered, but—”
“You’re asking me to face my fears,” he pressed on. “Yet you’re not willing to face yours. You want me to commit to a job that will last for the next twenty years and beyond, but you aren’t willing to invest a few months or a year of your time? Talk about a double standard.”
She fell silent as the little girl rested against her chest as if she’d settled in Maggie’s lap for the duration. In fact, if she didn’t know better, she’d suspect this baby was doing her part to convince her to take on this new role.
“Would you really give up Breanna in spite of your promise to Dee if I don’t help you?” she asked.
“In a heartbeat,” he stated with clear conviction. “I know my limitations and I can’t do this by myself. Better for her to go to a loving couple now rather than later.”
The little girl fit in Maggie’s arms as if she belonged there. Holding her was bittersweet. “This is blackmail.”
“It’s common sense,” he corrected. “And I’m desperate, Maggie. If you don’t agree…”
His pleading expression and helpless shrug tugged on her sympathies. As competent as he was as a paramedic, caring for a baby was clearly out of his comfort zone.
“How about this? If you’ll hold my hand until the paternity test results are released, we’ll re-evaluate the situation then.”
“In other words, you’re giving us both a way out.”
“We’ll re-evaluate,” he repeated. “We both want what’s best for Breanna, whatever that might be.”
While that was true, his lack of commitment concerned her. Because of it, could she handle helping him with the baby in the meantime? She frowned, remembering her experiences with Tyler and Zach—how she’d helped with their bedtime rituals, fixed their breakfasts, received the handpicked bouquet of dandelions when they’d played outside.
Even after all this time, the loss hurt.
As she glanced at Joe, the hope in his eyes tipped the scales in his favor. He was her partner and he needed her. She’d also promised her chief to do what she could to mend their differences. If word got around that she refused to help Joe when it was in her power to do so, she’d suffer the consequences.
She didn’t have a choice, she thought with resignation. Because she didn’t, she would treat this situation with the same emotional detachment she used in her job. Her weakness for babies would be a drawback, but this time she wasn’t expecting a happily-ever-after. Her eyes were wide open and no matter how events transpired, she wouldn’t allow herself to forget that she was simply a stopgap measure, a temporary solution.
As long as she remembered that, it would be easy to guard her heart.
“OK,” she said reluctantly. “I’ll help until you have your answers from the lab. Then you’ll have to sink or swim on your own.”
“Fair enough.”
But later, as they rearranged Joe’s spare bedroom to accommodate the baby furniture he had yet to retrieve from Dee’s apartment, she wondered if she hadn’t made a deal with the devil.
It was absolutely amazing to see the difference Maggie’s presence had made in just a few hours. Breanna had stop
ped her constant crying and had even giggled a few times when Maggie had played peek-a-boo. Joe had been able to take a long, relaxing shower instead of barely giving himself time to get wet, because Maggie had kept the little girl occupied. By the time he’d finished, Maggie had also washed his dishes and tidied the main living areas so his home looked neat and clean, rather than the disaster area it had become.
If he’d thought she wouldn’t take offense and run off in a huff, he would have kissed her.
“How did you do it?” he asked as he surveyed the rooms.
She looked puzzled. “How did I do what?”
“Do your chores and keep Breanna happy at the same time?”
She laughed at his amazement. “It wasn’t hard—you just go about your business. Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it.”
“Somehow I doubt it.”
“You will,” she promised.
“So what did you do to Breanna to keep her happy?”
“Nothing,” she said.
“Nothing?”
“Not a thing,” she said. “I suspect she was simply reacting to your negative energy. Your nervousness and anxiety made her nervous and anxious and the only way she could express her emotions was by crying. As you can see, she’s fine.”
And she was. Breanna sat on the floor, cheerfully banging a wooden spoon on a plastic bowl and babbling.
“Wow. I’m amazed. Awed. And thoroughly intimidated.”
Her laugh did funny things to his chest and he wanted to hear the sound again and again. “In a few days,” she assured him, “you’ll be an old pro.”
He was skeptical. “If you say so.”
“Anyway, I took the liberty of going through Breanna’s things and made a list of what she’ll need. You might want to pick up these things today, unless you have a stash of disposable diapers and formula that I didn’t find.”
“No stash.” Joe took the list Maggie had made and read the items recorded in her handwriting. Man, he was in trouble if he thought her handwriting was sexy! Maybe it was time he started living up to his reputation, but surprisingly enough the handful—not hordes—of women he’d spent time with recently faded into insignificance when he compared them to Maggie.
Emergency: Parents Needed Page 3
