“Daddy, I’m going to miss you.”
As the dam breaks, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him like this is the last time. He wraps his arms all the way around me and runs his hand down the back of my head.
“I don’t think I can breathe if you are gone. I’ll be lost without you, Daddy.”
I want to beg him to stay, but I know it is not in our control. Dad pulls me back to look into my eyes and holds my face steady in his hands.
“Oh Lyssi-Bee, that will be one of those breathtaking moments I told you about. When you feel like you can’t breathe, it’s only because you love me so much. I took your breath away.”
He kisses my forehead and continues to encourage me.
“And you will never be lost because I will come find you. Just because you cannot see me doesn’t mean I’m gone. I’ll still be here. I’ll always find you when you are lost.”
My chest heaves up and down, feeling as though the air is being sucked right out of my lungs.
“But what if you can’t find me? I want to be able to see you. I want to know you are there. I don’t want you to leave me, Daddy.”
Racked with fear and sobbing uncontrollably, I know in my heart I need to stay strong for him, but I can’t.
Dad brushes his hand through my hair, remaining calm and collected as he softly laughs.
“Alyssa, I promise you . . . if I can’t find you, I will send someone who can. I will be there. You may just have to look a little harder to see me. I will be there in every breathtaking moment of your life. I will watch your laughter, your tears, your joys and your heartaches. I will be here every day for the rest of your life, I promise.”
We stay on the porch together until Abby wanders out. Looking over at Dad, no words are needed to know that he needs to have this same talk with her, so I make myself scarce.
The day goes by fast and we make the most of it. Andrea swings by to join us for dinner and not long after she walks in, Dad pulls her aside as well. Abby and I watch as they disappear outside for what we assume is their talk. All in all, it ended up being a long emotional day for us, but by the end of the night we all curled up on the couch with some popcorn to watch a movie as a family, just like old times.
Amidst all the heartache and defeat that we all are feeling through the day, we still have each other. Dad made me realize, we will always have each other regardless of our path in life. If you love someone, nothing will ever keep you apart, not even death. You will always find them.
TUESDAY MORNING, I HEAD BACK early, stopping by the apartment briefly before I head to class. Luckily, a text from Bethany yesterday told me she is going to Fairview and will not be there. I’m relieved, because I’m not all together comfortable around her right now. Even though, technically she didn’t do anything wrong, in my eyes it still feels like she has betrayed me. I have no right to feel this way, given the fact that I never told her about Judd, but it still hurts.
As soon as I step inside, I notice a couple of empty soda cups, a dirty plate and a small white box in the center of the coffee table. I love how Bethany leaves her trash sitting around for me to pick up. I curl up my lip, more disgusted by her sloppiness than normal.
After flinging my bag and purse onto the couch, I scoop up the plate in one hand, wedge the two half empty sodas between my arm and waist, and then pick up the foam container in my free hand.
Her side of the room is also slowly trickling into the living room with several shirts and socks thrown on the floor.
“What a slob,” I mumble under my breath as I place the dish in the sink and turn to throw the other stuff in the trash.
After tossing the two drinks in, I notice the container is weighted down like it still has something inside. I flip open the box and immediately snap my hand over my mouth with a gasp. This is not for Bethany. My breathing comes at an accelerated rate and my heart begins to flutter as I stare down at its contents. Lying in this small white Styrofoam container is a gooey brownie with creamy fudge dripping down the sides and a bright red firecracker stuck in its center.
My mind races with memories of Judd and me out on the lake fishing and how I told him about the huge batch of brownies Mom made me to soften the blow of my breakup and Dad’s pending test results. He cracked up when I explained Mom’s logic of how chocolate cures all ailments.
I poke my finger on the edge of the brownie, letting my fingertip dig into the soft slab of chocolate. Pinching my thumb to my index finger, I grab a small chunk and allow myself one taste. Closing my eyes, I let the smooth rich flavor dance on my tongue as I take a step back towards the kitchen table. I open my eyes back up, sink into the chair and toss the container on the table in front of me as if the contents were a creepy insect rather that a mouth watering dessert.
Minutes click by as I stare at the firecracker and analyze what on earth it means. When did he leave this here? Why would he leave it here? And does Bethany know now, otherwise how did it end up here? My mind whirls with questions, all of which I know I may never get the answers for. Slowly, I pick up the firecracker as if it may explode at any second. Holding it between my finger tips, I roll it back and forth studying it while nostalgia floods my heart and head with sweet memories.
I close my eyes and envision the snapping and cracking of fireworks all around me. Pop, pop, pop. Laughter rings from every direction and my hand suddenly warms as if it is tightly woven with his.
Gripping the firecracker to my heart, my mind drifts further into the night to how his hands ran over the contours of my body as if I was a precious gem. His green eyes emerge in my mind and his whispers fill my head. “I’m falling in love with you,” and “This is not goodbye,” echo through me as if he is standing in this very room. Shaking my head, I push the memories and the feelings that they stir within me to the back of my mind.
Letting the firecracker slip through my fingertips back into the small box, I hastily clasp it shut and storm over to the trashcan, with a grip that is sure to leave dents in the container. I move my foot to the opening lever, fully intent on throwing it away, but pause as my head and heart stage a war of what to do. My grip is uncompromising; it’s as if it is glued to my fingers. Throw it away. He’s just screwing with you.
Realizing that my stroll down memory lane caused me more time than I had to spare, plus the fact that my mind was not going to win, I toss it onto the counter as roughly as I can, hoping by force I can rid myself of some of the confusion it caused me.
I’ll just throw it away later.
Jetting through the apartment, I throw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers, throw my hair up in a clip and scoop up my bag. Before exiting the house, I glance over to the Styrofoam box calling to me from the counter and decide one more bite won’t hurt. Maybe I’ll just bring it with me and throw it in a trashcan on campus.
By the time I pull up to class, the container is empty and my tummy is rumbling a chorus of appreciation.
My two morning classes creep by at a snail’s pace, but finally the professor releases us and I head back to my car. Halfway to the parking lot, my phone chimes in my bag and I dig inside to retrieve it. As soon as I get it out, my heart crashes into my stomach and all the happiness the chocolaty goodness brought me vanishes. My legs stop working and I stand on the sidewalk, staring down at Judd’s name.
I never had the heart to delete his contact or our picture, but considering his phone number was disconnected last time I tried it, I didn’t think it would ever appear on my phone again. With shaky hands, I pull up the message.
Judd: Hey, this is Judd. I doubt you still have my number in your phone, but I figured I would give it a shot anyways. I think we should talk, plus I wanted to see if you got my gift?
I take a deep breath to slow the surge of anger racing through me while rapidly blinking my eyes as if it may disappear. It’s bad enough that I caught him in bed with my roommate, but now I find out that he actually still has my number. He never chose to use it when it mattered,
but he has it. Maybe he has a folder of contacts on his phone entitled ‘booty calls.’
On top of that, he has the audacity to say we need to talk. Talk?! Really! I have nothing to say to him. He played me and I was gullible enough to fall for it. Now, I find out he has moved on to the next girl; end of story.
After hastily shoving my phone back in my bag, I continue on my path across campus, focusing on the way the sun shimmers off the sidewalk and how the soft, lush blanket of green summer grass is slowly fading to a dull brown the closer we inch into autumn. My eyes swim over the landscape, looking for anything to concentrate on other than him, but as I turn the corner of the Music and Arts building, my phone chimes again. Coming to a sudden stop, I place the weight of my bag against my abdomen, let out a frustrated sigh and dig my phone out again. Another text from Judd.
“I hear nothing from you for four months and now you’re stalking me,” I mumble under my breath to absolutely no one, but myself.
Judd: Ignoring me! Really!? The least you could do is talk to me!
Every muscle in my body tenses as I grip my phone so hard that it may break. Looking around for a stone or a stick or anything that I can throw to release some of my frustration, I throw my phone back in my bag, fully prepared to stomp on it. The least I could do is talk to him?!? I don’t owe him anything, least of all any form of communication, considering he severed that when he didn’t call me.
“So, I take it you don’t want to talk to me?” The sound of his voice is a lightning bolt shooting straight through my heart, crippling me and rendering me immobile.
Slowly, my body begins to work as I lift my head and lock eyes with him. All the anger that I was feeling only seconds ago evaporates and I begin to quake. He stands only two to three feet in front of me with one hand in his loose fitted faded jeans. His eyebrows are lowered into a frown and he is not smiling. This is not a look I am used to seeing on him.
Knowing I cannot surrender to the warm and fuzzy feeling that he usually stirs in my heart, I automatically go on the defense and fold my arms across my chest. If he looks pissed, then I should be pissed and I definitely have nothing to say to him! My lips are sealed! He can just walk away! God, he looks good! No . . . focus, Alyssa, focus!
His eyebrows lift in question and he looks irritated.
“You really aren’t going to talk to me, after everything that happened between us this summer.” His voice sounds desperate, yet livid at the same time.
However, my anger level just shot straight through the roof with him bringing up what we shared. To hell with not talking!
“What we shared?! Are you kidding me, as if that meant anything to you. I mean really . . . how many notches have you put in your belt since I last saw you?!”
Blood races through my veins as I struggle to keep from raising my voice and drawing attention to us.
“What is that suppose to mean? And why on earth would you think it didn’t mean anything. I never . . .”
As if there wasn’t enough tension in the air, Bethany walks up with an all too cheerful expression on her face and completely cuts off our conversation.
“Hey guys, what’s up?”
She looks from Judd to me with a scrunched up face. Great, she must have caught part of our conversation.
“Did I interrupt something?” Bethany swings one hand onto her hip like she’s striking a pose and side steps to move closer to Judd.
Looking directly at him, it occurs to me that I have no idea how to explain to her what was going on between us. Judd’s frown deepens, but I see that his attention is set on Bethany. My heart sinks.
“Were you guys discussing your initial meeting or something else?” She is not going to let this go.
Going with her idea, I give a generic explanation, “Yeah, I was just apologizing for busting in on you two, the other morning.”
Bethany’s eyes light up and she glances at Judd.
He takes a step back to add distance to us all. No doubt this has got to be awkward, being faced with two girls he has slept with, one of which knows what a player he is. I hope this is torturous for him!
“Well it sure looked like a heated discussion,” she adds with a giggle.
Judd’s eyes shift to mine and he makes absolutely no effort to hide it from her.
Forcing myself to smile, I raise my chin and nip this situation in the butt, “No, not at all, but hey, I really need to go. I have to be at work in an hour, so I’ll talk to you later, Bethany.” I wave my hand towards my roommate and then spin around to walk away from them both.
My heart feels like it has been trampled on. If that wasn’t enough to send me spiraling off a cliff, I make the mistake of turning back for one more look at him. That quick look does me in and sends me sprinting for my car. Judd’s once-love-filled eyes are directly on me as Bethany stretches up onto her toes in what looks like an attempt to kiss him. I can’t watch.
I get to my car and nearly rip the door off the hinges to get inside. I clutch the steering wheel and press my forehead against it. So far, I’ve managed to hold the tears back all morning, but I can’t anymore. My eyes sting and my breaths come in fast gasps. This is too much! This is all too much!
I need to be focused on Dad, not a two week summer fling that I took way too serious. Why does he want to hurt me more? What could we possibly have to talk about? I squeeze my eyes closed as tight as I can, allowing my heart to numb from the pain. The thing that kills me the most and what makes me want to kick myself, is that even after all that has happened between us; after all the hurt he has caused me, I still wanted to run into his arms when I saw him.
WITH THREE MID-MORNING CLASSES AND work, the next day goes by in a rush. Luckily, I don’t have any run-ins with Judd.
Once I hit the door to the apartment, all that is on my mind is soaking in a long, hot and relaxing bubble bath, with not a single care in the world.
I strip down slowly, too tired to move faster than a crawl. Sinking into the steamy water, I wave my arms around and cover my body with the soapy froth. As I slouch down further with my chin barely grazing the surface, I close my eyes and clear my mind. Tiny fizzes and pops lick at my skin as the bubbles start to dissolve.
When my eyes start to get heavy and my back starts to slowly slide down the slippery tub, dipping my mouth beneath the water, I decide it’s time to either get out or stop relaxing, so I don’t fall asleep.
Pivoting my body to the side, I lazily fold my arms along the cold edge of the bathtub and reach for my phone so I can call Mom. I need to check on Dad.
“Hello,” her voice warms my soul and makes me feel a sense of comfort that I haven’t felt in the last two days.
“Hi, Mom. What are you up to? How is Dad?”
“We just ate a bit ago so your Dad and I are getting ready to dive into a game of dice.”
I laugh as images of previous game nights with my parents dance in my head. Mom gets so competitive and of course, Dad armed with that information, always conveniently loses. It’s really quite humorous watching her strut around and brag about her win while Dad sits back and smiles. He would do just about anything to bring a smile to her face.
“That sounds like fun. Wish I was there. Is Abby out?”
I’m curious if my sister will swing by the party tonight. A part of me really wants her here for moral support.
“I told her to go out tonight. Seems like you girls have sacrificed so much of your time in the last few months and it really isn’t fair to you. You need to enjoy your lives, too.”
Her words surprise me. Doesn’t she know that she and Dad are our lives? We would be nothing without them.
“Mom, we want to be there. We do it because we love you both so much and we never look at it as a sacrifice,” I quickly correct her assumptions.
Mom laughs and I can almost see her waving her hand in the air as if I have embarrassed her.
“Oh honey, I know. Besides, this is a win-win for all of us. Your dad and I get a date n
ight alone and you girls get to go enjoy yourselves.”
On that note, I think it’s time to wrap up this conversation. I don’t want to hear about my parents alone time, although it is cute that she refers to it as a date night.
“I guess I will let you go then, so you and Dad can enjoy your date,” I giggle into Mom’s ear.
“Have fun at your party. Are you still coming home on Friday?” Mom says as I hear Bethany call out from the other side of the door.
“Hurry up, girl! It’s almost party time!” I snarl my lip at the sound of her voice.
I’m dreading tonight for three reasons.
Number one, Judd will be there!
Number two, Judd will be there with Bethany!
Number three, Judd will be there!
If I had to add a number four to the list, it would be because my life is a disaster and the last thing I want to do is party. I intend to just suck it up for one night, though.
“Yeah, Mom, I’ll be there Friday. I have to go get ready. I love you. Give Dad a big hug and kiss for me.”
“I love you, sweetie!” Dad hollers out in the background.
His voice makes my heart thud in my chest and I wish so desperately that I could wrap my arms around his neck.
“Bye Honey. I love you. No matter what, make sure you have fun tonight.” Her soothing tone lets me know it’s ok to relax and have fun for one night.
“I will,” I half-lie, “I love you both, too.” I just hope I’m able to enjoy my evening. I’m afraid that one look at Judd with my best friend, may send me screaming back home or have me collapsing into a blubbery mess.
Once I’m out of the bath, I squeeze into a navy blue mid thigh length fitted dress, buckle a brown belt around my waist and then slip on a pair of brown boots. Usually, I would go for a simple hoody and jeans, but it is my birthday party so I might as well look the part. Plus, I want to look good so Judd can see exactly what he is missing.
Take My Breath Away Page 18
