We sit in the car for what seems like forever as I go over every detail of what I walked in on and all the words that were said. Abby is quiet the whole time, giving me her undivided attention.
“ . . . I mean he was still drunk and I realize he may have mistaken her bed for mine, because he did do that from time to time, but still . . .” I realize I am trying to make excuses for him.
Once I stop talking, I stare at her hoping she can shed some light on how something like this could happen.
“Are you sure he slept with her?”
This is all that comes out of her mouth and it frustrates me even more.
“Abby, I walked in on them!”
She holds up her hand to stop me, “Wait, you didn’t exactly walk in on the act. Are you sure Bethany wasn’t just throwing herself at him while he was asleep? Maybe you walked in right in the nick of time before she could get that far.”
I ponder on that for a moment and then look over at Abby, “I guess that makes sense, after all I wasn’t gone that long, but Bethany confirmed it herself. She said they did have . . .” I cannot even get the words out.
“Alyssa, Bethany seems manipulative enough to lie about it. I mean she did tell you that she slept with Kyle and she has managed to keep that from you this whole time.”
What Abby says is completely true; I know it’s true, but something about hearing it again from someone else makes my heart sting like ripping a bandage off of a gaping wound. How could my own best friend be so deceitful and cruel? Tumbling her words around in my head leaves me in an even bigger state of confusion and wondering, what if Judd did absolutely nothing wrong?
Realizing we have been sitting in the car for a good hour or so, I decide it’s enough talk for now. “You want to go back in and check on Dad?”
Abby nods her head and we both slide out into the chilly night and head back inside.
Halfway to Dad’s room, an intense, unsettling sensation takes root in the pit of my stomach and I suddenly get a strong sense of urgency to get up to his room. Come on, come on, I chant in my head as I watch a green light flash above the door with each of the floor numbers.
The elevator dings and I rush out in front of Abby only to be met with complete pandemonium. Nurses flood the hallway by Dad’s door, we hear alarms going off and a Code Blue is announced over the loud speaker. Mom stands in the hall, sobbing hysterically with her arms wrapped around herself. Oh God, no! Not my daddy!
My mouth twists open in pain and my body shakes as I run to the room, praying I can get in. A nurse grabs my arms and pulls me back.
“Sweetie, you have to stay out here,” she says in a soothing tone.
Abby races up behind me, slamming into my back. “That’s our dad,” she pleads with the nurse.
Mom’s arms instantly wrap around us both and we fall to our knees on the floor, together, each of our hearts shattering.
“What’s happening?” I say through quivering breaths as I look into Dad’s room and see his bed surrounded with doctors and nurses.
Mom squeezes me harder and I hear Abby’s voice boom over the mass hysteria, “Mom, what’s happening to Dad?!”
Mom takes a deep breath and calms her sobs long enough to speak.
“The doctor thinks he is having a stroke or a heart attack. I’m not sure. He was fine then all of a sudden his monitor went off and nurses came in. I begged to stay with him, but . . .” her voice trails off and is replaced with gasping breaths as she tries to keep her composure.
My chest shakes and I bury my face in Mom’s shoulders. Please don’t take him, please don’t take him!! I know Dad would not want me to pray for him to stay while he is in so much pain but I can’t help it. Don’t take my daddy! I look up at the ceiling and continue to say the same line over and over.
All three of us huddle together, shaking and shuddering; tear after tear racing down our faces. Out of nowhere, a gentle wispy feeling moves across my back and up into my hair, but when I look around I find nothing. Turning my attention back to Mom and Abby, I see them looking around.
“Did you feel that?” I whisper.
Mom gasps in shock and then her face crumples into pain. Abby shakes her head, looking bewildered; almost startled. It’s at that moment that I know I wasn’t the only one that felt my dad’s presence as he swept through the room. My heart jumps and I want to scream out, “No, not my dad,” as all our heads linger back to his room.
Nurses begin to file out with remorseful glances our way. The one that held me back from going in gives me a sad, apologetic smile as the doctor walks up and crouches down beside us. He pulls the white mask down to his neck and his expression says everything that we feared is true.
“I’m so sorry. We did everything we could.”
My heart is torn from my chest with his words and I fight to catch my breath. I urgently search for something to hold onto as the world spins out of control, taking a never ending river of tears with it. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe! No, please!
Mom and Abby’s bodies quake and tremble against my own.
The doctor places his hand on Mom’s shoulder and gives her a reassuring squeeze and then goes on in the most sympathetic tone I’ve ever heard , but it does nothing to ease the pain.
“It looks like it was a stroke. We’ll know more later, but it seems that he never woke up so he went peacefully in his sleep,” he assures us.
“Was he in pain?” Abby’s trembling voice cries out.
“No. Aside from the pain from the cancer, which he was being administered pain meds for . . . No, I don’t think he felt a thing.” The doctor pauses for a moment and dips his head, unable to look us all in the eye. “I am truly sorry for your loss. You all are welcome to go in and say goodbye. Take as long as you need.”
My mouth gapes open at the thought of seeing my father’s lifeless body. I don’t know if I can do it. I shake my head as the doctor gives me a pat on the back and then stands to walk away.
Mom rises to her feet and reaches her hands out to me and Abby. I look at my sister’s tear streaked face and then up to Mom. She pulls me up along with Abby and then we all face the door to the room.
“You girls don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” she states as she inches forward.
“Mom, are you going in?” She doesn’t take her eyes off the door, but I see a new river of tears forming in her eyes as she gently smiles. “Yes. I want to tell him goodbye and hold his hand one last time.”
I squeeze my eyes shut with her words; the gaping hole in my heart aching as I watch her walk into the room. From the doorway I can see Dad’s feet lying motionless on the bed, but I cannot make myself go any further into the room.
Abby rushes to the door and then turns to me.
“Alyssa, come in with us, please; I need you with me,” she barely gets out through her quivering sobs.
I shake my head uncontrollably, backing away from the room.
“I can’t! I can’t!”
It’s the only thing I can think or say as I turn and take off running down the hall, down the stairwell and out to my car, not even knowing where I will go from here. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t stay there! I can’t look at Dad like that! He wouldn’t want me to remember him that way. I want to remember him full of life with a smile on his face.
Once I reach my car, I fumble around in my purse until my fingers land on the cold metal of my keys. With trembling hands, I drop them to the ground half a dozen times before I can even get the door unlocked, but at last I tear the door open and climb in. I quickly seize the steering wheel with such force that my muscles instantly ache and throb, but I welcome the sensation, hoping it will redirect my mind from the pain in my heart.
Through hazy, tear filled eyes, I throw the car into gear and peel out of the parking lot, having absolutely no clue where I am going. I don’t care, I just want to forget. I don’t want to think of his sickness and his feet sitting so still on the bed. I don’t want to think about how I�
�m a coward for not joining my mom and sister.
Not even a few yards away from the hospital and with tears still rapidly flowing down my face, I frantically reach to my lap and shuffle my hand through my purse again, in search of my phone. I need to call someone. I don’t want to think about anything or talk about anything, but I don’t want to be alone either. My heart is on the verge of exploding.
My hand slides around inside my bag until a cold, pointy object jabs into the flesh between my index finger and thumb. I pull it out and head for the interstate. Roughly gripping the steering wheel, I weave in and out of what little traffic there is on the road at 2:00 in the morning until I pull up to the building.
I don’t think over whether this is a bad idea or not. I don’t question what I will feel tomorrow when he is no longer by my side. I don’t even worry about what happened only days ago. I just hold onto the key as if it is my last hope in this world and rush inside to his door.
Looking at the shiny metallic gift I was given only days ago, I take a deep breath then unlock the door. I fly across the living room with only one focal point in the dark room; his bedroom door.
I’m not sure what I will be met with and really do not care, as I open the door.
Judd is sitting up in bed, staring at me. His bare chest is bathed in the street lights that filter through his blinds. He slowly places his phone down on his nightstand and although, I should care who he was talking to at this time in the morning, I honestly can’t think about that now.
His eyes stare compassionately at me as he very carefully and gently flips his comforter and sheets back beside him, as if summoning me into his arms. I practically leap across the room, sliding into the bed beside him and letting the warmth of his body ease a bit of the ache in my heart. His arms naturally fall around me and I mold myself to his body with his hands sweeping back and forth across my back and the hammering tempo of his heart filling my ears.
Nothing can take this pain away from me, but the feeling of Judd so close ignites something inside of me and all I want to do is be closer to him;
to feel him beside me;
against me;
around me;
inside me;
all over me.
I want that hole in my heart to be filled with the passion only Judd creates within me. I just want to forget for a moment.
“Alyssa, I wish I could take your pain away. I would do anything to shoulder this instead of you.” He pulls me even closer to him and I know he can tell what has happened. “Oh baby, I wish I could make this go away. I wish I could stop the pain,” he whispers with so much pain in his voice. “What can I do to make this hurt less?” he says hoarsely as his hands make circles across my back and up into my hair.
I grab his shoulders and pull my body up onto his so that I am level with his face. His gorgeous hazel eyes search mine and without a word I gently press my lips to his. A dam of emotion breaks open inside of me, flooding my heart with pain and pushing me to the brink of falling apart. He carefully grabs my face, pulling me away from his mouth and looks into my eyes to question my intentions.
“Judd, just for a moment . . . help me forget,” I say in a barely audible tone before descending on his lips again.
JUDD SOFTLY CARESSES MY SKIN, looking at me tenderly.
“Baby, I don’t think that is a good idea. Trust me, I know. All that pain and heartache will just be waiting for you afterwards and I don’t want you regretting it later,” he says softly while stroking his thumb across my cheek.
I let out a quivering breath at his rejection. Does he not want me anymore?
“Please, I need you,” I beg him inching my face closer until our breaths are merged as one.
He tilts his head to the side and knits his eyebrows together in agony.
“Lyssa, we really need to talk about things if we are going to . . .”
I place my fingertips on his lips to silence him. He closes his mouth and I can see the torture on his face, but all I can focus on is forgetting.
“I don’t want to talk. I need you. Please,” I whisper softly into his mouth, feeling him nod once before the moistness of his lips move onto mine.
His hands run the length of my torso with such care and precision you would think I was a glass doll on the verge of breaking. He effortlessly slides me onto my back and hovers above me, inching my shirt up over my head, never once breaking eye contact. Once my shirt is abandoned on the edge of the bed, he moves his head down to my stomach, tasting and kissing just above my panty line up to the hem of my bra while his hands flow along my curves.
I moan and arch my back as waves of pleasure course through my body, from his touch alone. The fire from his fingertips continues to make me slither and writhe beneath him as he slides my bra and panties off. His mouth scorches my skin on a fiery trail back to my lips. I open my mouth for a deeper kiss and he begins to pull away.
“Are you sure? I’ll hold you all night. I’ll never let go . . . I promise,” he asks me in a pleading tone and I should agree, but I just need that euphoric feeling to swallow me whole and let me escape my reality for a while.
“I need you; I want you.” My words come out as a desperate plea as I tug him down on top of me.
The heat of his body melts into mine as he looks me in the eyes and slowly shifts to unite us. My head instantly falls back into the plush softness of the pillow and I let out a strangled breath from the sparks that swirl up into my belly and down to my toes.
He takes his time with slow steady strokes, looking longingly into my eyes just as he always has. I can’t look away; only Judd can make me feel this way. I am whole when we are together; I am complete and I feel absolutely loved and cherished.
Waves of pleasure start to build in my core and I grab onto his shoulders pulling him deeper into me. I want him closer; I need him closer.
He holds onto me tightly, yet gently as if I will break, nipping at my neck and jaw between thrusts.
“I love you, Alyssa. I love you so much,” he breathes out and it is all I can do to hold on.
Gravity has been sucked away and I am shooting off to another solar system; spiraling through space. Fire bolts through my entire body hitting every nerve and cell. I whimper from the sensation as a loud moan escapes his lips.
His movements slow and his whisper moves softly over my ear, “Tell me you love me, please.”
I squeeze my eyes shut knowing what this must be doing to him, not knowing where we stand.
While still breathing heavily, he rises up and my hands are instinctively drawn to his face. I run my fingers down his right cheek to where his dimple usually is as he continues to look at me. He knows what I want; I want so badly to see his smile. Still staring at me intently, he presses his lips together and the skin on his cheek dips in barely, highlighting his most adorable feature. I trace my fingertip over it and look up at him with a small smile that isn’t forced at all.
Even with the crushing pain of losing my father, the only place I can find peace is within his arms. We have so much to figure out and work through if it is possible, but I don’t even have to think about it.
“I love you, Judd,” I say back to him with a small teardrop sliding down my cheek.
He slides off of me and half sits up against the bed frame, nudging me along with him.
“Come here. I want to hold you,” he says as I lay my chest and head against his body, drinking in every drop of warmth it puts off.
I listen to the heavy thuds of his heartbeat and let myself rise and fall with each breath he takes, but as soon as the exhilaration from us being together dies down, the hurt comes back full force. He runs his hand through my hair, carefully sweeping each strand back behind my head.
“Shhh, I’m here, baby. I’m not going to let you go,” he murmurs as I weep against his chest.
It feels as though someone is ripping my heart out with their bare hands; like they are crumpling and destroying it along the way.
Rising
up, I hungrily press my lips onto his, needing more. I just want to feel him. I want all the pain to fade away until I can handle it; until I’m prepared.
I don’t take my time. I sit up, straddle him and forcefully pull him against me.
Judd grabs my hips, breathing heavily and holding me still.
“Alyssa, baby, no. You can’t run from this. You can’t hide. You have to face this. I know it’s hard, baby . . . believe me I know,” he pleads with me while holding me motionless with one hand and gently stroking my cheek with the other. “We’ll face this together. If you will let me, I will hold your hand through it all, I promise, but you have to face this. Otherwise, all that pain and hurt is going to come crashing down on you. You have to figure out a way to cope with it now while it’s fresh.”
He looks into my eyes with the same understanding that I saw on the lake when I told him about my dad. The same look he gave me that made me first fall in love with him.
“I don’t know if I can,” I cry, my heart slowly breaking wide open. If I let all the pain in, it will kill me.
“You can,” he pleads with me as I stare into his eyes. “I know you can and I’ll be right here.”
My heart weights down as I give in and slowly slide my body down, settling into the mattress with my head on his chest. He scoots up to rest his head on his pillow and pulls my body tightly to his side with not a single gap between us.
Clinging to his body, I let out a breath and let the pain engulf me like a thick blanket. I shake and cry and scream in agony over losing my dad until my heart is a shattered, broken mess. Each time I think my tears may dry, a new wave of pain washes over me and has me clasping at Judd so fiercely that I swear I may leave bruises.
Through it all, Judd shushes me with whispered words of love and how he won’t leave me. He holds me so tightly that it feels as his body is mine and mine is his. And as promised, he never leaves my side. Eventually, my eyes grow heavy and I cannot keep them open any longer.
Trickles of sunlight bleeding through the shades wake me that morning along with the clanking of dishes in the next room. I shift my bare body which is still tightly held against Judd’s chest. Looking up, I see his handsome face slumped to the side of his pillow as if he tried to stay awake as long as possible, but eventually surrendered to a deep sleep.
Take My Breath Away Page 31
