He smiled at her then.
"We'll straighten this out," he went on. "I'll make everything okay."
She nodded, but she knew that nothing he could say would calm the fear that was gnawing her alive.
~ ~ ~
Robin closed the door of his office as she left, and Jonas sat there feeling cold and empty and despairing. This farce of a marriage had twisted and turned his emotions until he didn't know what he felt anymore.
When he'd urged Robin to become his wife, he had to admit, he'd done it with no one else in mind but himself. Yes, his conscience had tweaked him, but he'd ignored the guilt, feeling that the end justified the means. He realized he was wrong not to have been totally honest with her. But then she hadn't been honest with him, either. Hell, he guessed that he and Robin deserved each other. He wondered, if he could turn back time, would he make the same choices?
Granted, this time with Robin had been like a herky-jerky amusement park ride, a harrowing yet eye-opening experience. And one he didn't think he would want to pass up, even if he could.
He'd gone into this relationship believing Robin to be a selfish woman who only thought of her career. However, he'd discovered things about her. He'd learned the reasons she'd isolated herself. He'd found out why she thought the way she did. He'd seen her interact with Tony.
As the days passed, he saw how hard Robin tried to give Tony all the love and care that Sara would have wanted her son to have. He'd witnessed the terrible pain she'd felt over Tony's initial rejection of her. He'd watched her strive to win the baby's trust, and he knew she felt relieved and grateful when she discovered she finally had it.
Sure, Robin had made mistakes. He thought back over the days and weeks since they took on the job of co-guardianship. He remembered when she'd tried to feed Tony cooked carrots and the baby had squished each round piece between his chubby little fingers before tossing them onto the floor. Jonas smiled when he thought of the first time she'd washed Tony's face and she'd gotten a little soap in his eyes. Tony had cried and Robin's own eyes had welled with tears as she apologized to him profusely. Yes, she'd made her mistakes. But then, Jonas had made plenty of those himself.
He couldn't believe how well they had worked together as a team from the very beginning, even when they really didn't seem to like each other very much. Of course, he realized now that they had both come to their negative opinions of the other before they'd taken the time to get to know each other.
His early conclusions concerning her character had been eventually proved wrong, and he realized that he and Sara hadn't really been fair to Robin. She'd had her reasons for staying away, and she suffered a terrible guilt now that she understood what she'd missed out on by not visiting her family.
The ultimate turning point of his emotions, he knew, was the first night they had spent together. Yes, before that point, he did admit that his opinion of her had been slowly changing and her dedication to Tony had impressed him, even if his acknowledgement had been given grudgingly. But his image of her as cool and distant remained firm in his head…until he'd slept with her.
As he'd held Robin in his arms and soothed her tears, he'd come to realize that she had more than her fair share of vulnerability. He'd learned that underneath that veil of remoteness that she put on as a way of proving her independence, there was a warm and susceptible woman. A woman who was willing to give of herself. A woman who was not afraid to take what she needed.
Jonas had been absolutely joyous to have had the chance to meet that woman. He'd cherish the memory of her in his heart forever. And it was for that memory…for that woman…that he felt an overwhelming desire to fix this situation.
He wished things could have turned out differently for them. He wished...
Pushing the useless thought aside, he thought back, instead, on the irrational anger he'd felt when Robin had come to him just now to patch up their relationship. The animosity that had coursed through him had been a blanket disguising deeper, more complex emotions. So he'd allowed his irritation at her apology to surface in the form of cutting remarks and a vicious kiss.
No, he told himself, it really hadn't been her apology that bothered him, it had been her motivation. She'd sought to smooth out the rough spot between them "for Tony's sake." The sound of her voice echoed in his head and he suffered through a shiver of cold ire... no, it was some other complicated emotion that vibrated along his spine like a plucked harp string.
Jonas had hoped that she'd come to see him to work things out because... well, because she'd wanted to work things out for herself. And for him.
Many times, he had wanted to approach her since their argument. He had wanted to explain once again that he hadn't meant her any harm. He'd long since decided not to use the piece he'd written on motherhood, and he'd longed to tell her that, too. But he had come to learn how stubborn she could be. He barked out a laugh. Just as stubborn as he was himself.
She wouldn't have listened to a word he would have had to say. No, Robin needed to come to terms with her anger and distrust on her own. And she had, for the most part. She'd obviously decided that she didn't want to have anything more to do with him, on a personal level. But she felt she needed to alleviate the tension between them "for Tony's sake."
That phrase had him gritting his teeth. He'd wanted the situation to be resolved in a manner that would allow their relationship to progress to a more personal, more intimate level. And his longing for that kind of resolution and progression was stirred by the true woman he knew Robin to be. The woman he'd come to desire.
He rubbed his eye sockets, unable to clear from his mind the dreamy images that replayed themselves in his head in hot, velvety fantasies. He'd had the privilege of making slow, passionate love to the woman every single night for more than a week. Damn, how luck had shined on him!
And he'd spent his days drawing her out from beneath the thick protective mantle that she'd wrapped herself in. He'd succeeded too. He'd enjoyed the short time he'd had with the easygoing, fun-loving woman who had emerged after they had begun sleeping together. But that damned article sent her retreating into that rock-hard shell of hers. He missed the woman he'd found, the woman he'd caressed and satisfied, the woman who had satisfied him. He missed her terribly.
As he sat down at the desk now, he realized that it was for that wonderful woman he'd discovered in Robin that he felt compelled to remedy this custody predicament, once and for all.
His hand shook a bit as he touched a button that cleared his computer screen. And his gut never once stopped jumping the whole while he composed his letter.
~ ~ ~
This had been the longest weekend of Robin's entire life. Apprehension and worry chewed on her insides like ravenous, persistent mice. A dozen questions rolled in her head, keeping restful sleep at bay. Both Friday night and Saturday night had been spent tossing and turning, and when she had slept, her dreams had been filled with heartbreaking images.
The nightmares had been vivid and haunting, crowded with sorrow and tears, congested with shadowy anguish.
There had been a couple of different scenarios during her night visions. In one, she had watched Jonas walk away from her with Tony in his arms. She was left feeling empty and aching, her eyes so full of tears she could barely see the baby wave goodbye. In the other, she was the one who cradled Tony protectively, she was the one who had snatched up Tony and run away, and the excruciating pain on Jonas's face had etched itself in her memory, plaguing her all her waking hours.
She'd spent the days feeling worn out and nervous. And she'd feared that her tiredness would affect her patience where Tony was concerned. But she quickly found out that was something she never should have worried about. Patience and attention were both very easy things to give to her nephew, especially when his future was so clouded and uncertain. She was gentler now than ever before because she had no idea what the future would bring. If they would be together. Or torn completely apart.
"Hey."
/> She swiveled her head at the sound of Jonas's voice. He looked just as drained as she felt. Surely his nights had been as troubled and sleepless as her own. She hoped he understood the commiseration she offered in her smile.
He stepped out onto the back porch to join her in the quiet, silky night. The mere sight of him had her feeling flushed and self-conscious. No matter what happened at the lawyer's office tomorrow morning, no matter what the future held for them both, she could never deny to herself what her time spent in this house meant or the deep feelings she had for this man.
Jonas held the back screen door open and scooted to one side. Robin's smile widened as she watched Tony emerge from the house.
"Bob-in." He gave her a wide grin, let go of his uncle's finger and toddled toward her.
"You little rascal," she teased, pulling him across her lap and burying her face in his belly.
Tony laughed, clearly loving the tickling game.
After a moment, Robin sat him up and said, "I thought you were getting a bath."
She nearly chuckled at the guilty expression on Tony's sweet little face.
"Unka," he accused, and pointed a pudgy finger at Jonas.
"Oh," Jonas said, "so you're going to get me in trouble, huh?"
"Nobody's in trouble," Robin assured them softly.
Jonas eased himself down onto the step next to her. He reached out and grasped Tony's foot, his hand gently grazing her thigh. She wanted badly to close her eyes, revel in his velvet touch. She might never feel it again.
His solidness so near to her warmed the cool evening air considerably.
He leaned toward Tony and ruffled his curly, red hair, and when he did, his shoulder pressed intimately against hers. She turned her face and saw that his handsome profile was mere inches away from her, but Tony was the focus of his attention.
"We're going out on a hunt, aren't we, little man?"
"Bugs!" Tony clapped his hands and looked out toward the yard.
Jonas chuckled, a wonderful sound that had Robin smiling.
"I don't have to help, do I?" she asked. "I mean, just the thought of seeing a bug, let alone catching one, has my skin crawling."
Jonas's green gaze glittered with mischief. "Oh," he said, "so you have a phobia about bugs."
Light laughter emanated from deep in his throat, and she felt her insides soften. She wished she could press the flat of her palm against his chest and feel the vibration of it. She pushed the thought aside and focused on the conversation at hand.
"Just a tiny little one," she admitted, keeping her tone as light as possible.
"Bugs, bugs," Tony chanted.
He squirmed in an effort to get out into the yard. Afraid he might fall on the concrete steps, Robin carried him onto the grass and then put him down. He staggered his first few steps across the uneven ground, but quickly found his balance.
"We're going after lightning bugs," Jonas said. "Of course, we'll let them go before we go in for the night."
It was then that she noticed he had an empty baby food jar in his hand, the lid punctured with holes.
"Lightning bugs? Well, that's different," she said, moving out into the darkness with him. "Lightning bugs are cute, not like those other icky creepy crawlers, like spiders and centipedes and..." She shivered.
Jonas took her elbow. "Don't worry," he said, his tone gentle and absolutely serious, "I won't let them get you."
She knew he was teasing her, but as she looked up into his handsome face, it was as if the world stopped turning and in that soft, moonlit moment there was a complete cessation of time. The feeling that welled up in her was strange and strong. She wanted desperately to reach out and touch his cheek. She wanted to kiss his mouth. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and beg him to stay here with her for all the years it would take for Tony to grow into adulthood.
But she didn't. She didn't because she simply couldn't let down her guard long enough to even say the words, let alone act on the impulses. Besides, it would be an effort in futility. If there was one thing she'd learned during these weeks living in her brother's house, it was that she and Jonas just couldn't get along. Sure, there were times of perfect harmony…their nights of passion flashed, unbidden, into her mind with crystal clarity, and she remembered the wonderful days during which they'd gotten along so well, but the dark times always came. She thought about their arguments, their cutting, sarcastic remarks and the harsh, hot kiss he'd inflicted on her. It seemed the two of them were determined to torment the hell out of each other.
"Unka!" Tony called out from the back of the yard.
"I'm coming," Jonas called.
He looked at Robin. "Come on. Let's go catch some lightning."
Her breath caught in her throat and she stopped short.
"What?" Jonas asked. "What'd I say?"
"Jeff used to say that," she whispered, her voice suddenly raspy and dry. "Let's go catch some lightning."
Jonas nodded. "Yeah, I've been hunting with Jeff and Tony before."
"No, no," she rushed to say. "I mean, Jeff used to say that to me." She reached up and pressed her hand high against her chest and she found it hard to breathe. "When I was a little girl," she explained around the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, "Jeff used to take me out in our backyard and we'd catch lightning."
The wonderful revelation pierced through the hazy childhood recollections like bright sunshine burning off the morning mist. She remembered spending time with her brother when she was just a kid. The memory must have been buried under the mound of guilt she'd felt over staying away from her family. And it had been Jonas who had unearthed it.
She sandwiched his face between her hands and planted a firm kiss full on his lips. His eyes grew wide and questioning, and she threw her head back and laughed.
"I'm so happy!" she said, not caring that her voice was loud enough to wake the neighbors. Then she leveled her gaze on him once more. "Thank you, Jonas. Thank you."
He seemed to hover somewhere between wanting to laugh with her and wanting to call the paddy wagon to report her insane.
"I don't know what I did," he said. "But I'm happy to help you out anytime."
Again Robin laughed. There were other memories of Jeff planted deep in her head! She'd hoped and prayed there would be, but she hadn't been sure until now. The realization brought tears of joy to her eyes. All she had to do was excavate them.
She wanted to dance and frolic in the cool spring night. She wanted to share her sudden and unexpected happiness with the whole world. She wanted to sing and shout.
"Come on, Jonas!" she called, tugging on his sleeve. "Let's go catch some lightning."
Chapter Ten
Low, heavy clouds blanketed the steel gray sky. Far off thunder rumbled and Robin was certain that the threatening storm would break at any moment. It was a perfect day to be tortured by trepidation. A perfect day to be on the way to a meeting that just might change the future in a very bad way.
They had dropped off Tony at Amy's, and Robin and Jonas were now driving slowly along Main Street, searching for an empty parking spot.
She cast a sidelong glance at Jonas. His jaw was firmly set and she could read the tension in his rigid features. She wanted to reach out and reassure him, but how could she when she was so unsure of the outcome of this meeting herself?
Jonas steered the car down a narrow side street, and the sign for the Ladybug Boutique caught Robin's eye. The hour or so the three of them had spent together chasing lightning bugs last night had been such fun. Tony had found such pleasure in toddling around the yard, it was impossible not to be affected by it. And what was there not to enjoy? The grass had been cool against her bare feet. A glorious array of colors washed the twilit sky. All of her fears had been drowned out, even if only temporarily, by the sound of their laughter. The tiny, glowing critters had fascinated Tony and he hadn't wanted to release them. But she and Jonas had finally cajoled him into doing the right thing.
Whe
n she allowed herself to become lost in those times when this small family of three was together, a special and precious unity was formed…a miraculous moment to cherish was brought into being.
Without even knowing what he'd done, Jonas had given her another small piece of her brother last night. And from that little piece, she'd decided there really must be others that were just waiting to be unearthed. The happiness she'd felt had been all-consuming, and it was all because of Jonas.
But what stuck with her, more so than her beautiful revelation about Jeff, was the way Jonas had treated her and Tony last night. Especially Tony. There had been a…she searched for a word to describe his behavior…a desperation, of sorts, in his behavior. It was as if he was afraid that Tony was going to be snatched away from him at any moment. Jonas seemed to savor his time with his nephew as much as she. He had been reluctant to go inside when Robin suggested it was way past Tony's bedtime. Jonas had insisted on being the one to get the baby ready for bed, had insisted on reading him his favorite storybook.
It had been a sad thing to watch, and Robin had tried to come up with some way to smooth over his fears, but she'd failed because she truly understood his fear and vulnerability. She felt it, too, and there was nothing that could be said or done that would alleviate that awful dread that lay like a brick in her belly. So she hadn't patronized him by offering him fluffy, empty words of assurance.
Jonas backed into a parking spot and they got out of the car in silence. A tense cloud seemed to hover around them all the way around the block and up the brick steps of the professional building that housed the lawyer's office.
After greeting the secretary with tight-lipped smiles, the two of them sat down on the hard-back chairs in the small, cube-shaped waiting area. Robin could tell that Jonas was just as nervous as she was by the way he flexed and then relaxed his fists, then he smoothed his flattened palms down his thighs, then he weaved his fingers together and plunked his hands onto his lap. Soon he unlaced his fingers and began the sequence all over again: flexing, smoothing and weaving.
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