by Angel Lawson
His gray eyes flicked to mine and his jaw tightened. “Do you really think that?”
No, I wanted to say. Fuck no. But I wasn’t telling him that I lay awake at night pining over the girl I let get away—that we let get away.
“I do,” I said, carefully helping him off the bed. He grunted and looked down at his feet. His left ankle was swollen and wrapped.
“I need some socks.”
“Oh, right.” I grimaced. “Jackson and I flipped for it. I had to help you with your pants. He’s on sock duty. There’s no way in hell I’m touching your feet.”
Hayden cursed me under his breath and despite it all, it was really nice having him back home again.
19
Heaven
“Before they get here, I need to know everything going on with you and the guys.”
We were all meeting at the restaurant at six. Or so I was told. I showed up first and Amber’s sly smile suggested something was off. It only took a little arm twisting for her to reveal that she’d told me to come early so she could talk to me about Hayden being home, us all being at the party together and how I felt about it.
I took a swallow of my drink before answering, feeling the warm burn down my throat. No chance in hell I’d get through the night sober.
“Nothing,” I said. “Nothing is going on with me and the guys, other than, I guess, friendship.”
“Friendship. You and the Allendale Four?” She eyed me skeptically.
“We’re making it work—for Hayden.”
“And everyone is cool with it?” She took a sip of her own drink.
“Sure, why wouldn’t they be?” I didn’t like this conversation. I didn’t like lying to Amber. We’d always been honest—that’s how our relationship started in that small high school bathroom years before. This was me telling her what needed to be said—the right things—not the mixed-up jumble of emotions that rolled over me each and every time I thought, heard, or saw the guys.
So I kept my expression neutral, regardless of the turmoil running beneath.
“Even Anderson?” she pressed. “Because he can be…”
“Difficult, yes, I know.” I pushed my hair over my shoulder. “He and I hashed it out a little while Hayden was in the hospital. I think we both said some things we’d been holding onto for a while, and even though it didn’t solve anything, and holy crap it hurt my feelings, it needed to be said.”
Her eyebrows raised. “What did he say to you?”
I stared down at my glass. “That I ran away and bailed on them.” She didn’t say anything and I looked up. Her expression filled with conflict. “What? You think I ran, too?”
“I think you made a choice. One that was difficult to make under the circumstances.”
“Do you think it was the right choice?” I asked.
“I think things got complicated, and sometimes going from a relationship when you’re just a kid to an adult is hard. Ginger and I have made a thousand adjustments as adults. Paying bills, dealing with job stress, making decisions and the basics of settling into a long-term relationship. That rush from the early days is gone, but if you stick through it something else emerges. Something really good.”
“You think I should have tried harder?”
“No, I didn’t say that. I just think what you guys had was incredibly complex. There was probably no win, you know?”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m really happy for you. I’m glad you and Ginger are win-win.”
She grinned. “You were there for it all. My angsty youth. My awkward coming out. All my freak-outs and panics over Ben.”
“I was just happy to have a friend that was as much of a mess as I was! And I’m the one that owes you thanks for being my best friend through all of this. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t know you were getting involved in a drama-fest the first day we met, but to stick through it all these years? I couldn’t ask for anything more.”
The door swung open and a rush of cool air tumbled into the room. All eyes shifted to the entrance and my stomach clenched at the sight of the four of them. Jackson strode in first, curly hair dipped in front of his eyes; his grin spread when he spotted us. Oliver, still a surprising sight with his more defined adult body, held the door for Hayden, who entered the restaurant on crutches, limping and grimacing the entire way. His gray eyes linked with mine and that familiar chill ran down my spine. Anderson came in last, handsome as always, jaw tense and his mind whirring with internal thoughts.
“Damn,” Amber muttered. “The Allendale Four grew up.”
“They sure as hell did.”
“Heaven…”
“I know,” I said, consuming the last of my drink. The burn of the liquid was replaced by something else entirely. “They’re as dangerous now as they were then.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
“What then?”
“That these guys may be more dangerous than before.”
She gestured to the bartender and ordered me another drink.
“What’s that for?”
“You’re going to need that to get through the night.”
The big news went over as expected; Ginger and Amber ridiculously adorable and the guys beyond happy for them. I kept the smile plastered on my face and desperately tried not to think about how their relationship was going in the right direction while my past ones were stuck in shark-infested water and there was nothing new in sight.
“Need another drink?” Jackson asked, sliding into the empty seat next to mine.
I shook my head. “I stopped after two. Amber and Ginger do not deserve having to deal with drunk Heaven at their engagement announcement.”
“Drunk Heaven can be fun.”
I shook my head. “Not for all of us. Ask Anderson’s car and shoes.”
He laughed, blue eyes twinkling at the memory. “He’s still pissed about that.”
“Bastard can hold a grudge.”
The copper-headed man glanced in my direction like his ears were burning. After a beat, I averted my eyes.
“I shouldn’t be surprised by the engagement,” Jackson said, watching the beaming couple by the bar who’d been adorably happy all night, “but it still feels surreal.”
“How so?”
“It feels grown up, and sometimes I still feel like a bumbling kid, unable to figure out my role in this world.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about? You’ve never been bumbling, Jackson. You’re the smoothest person I’ve ever met. Even as a teenager. You reeked of confidence. I remember those days back in school when I was really a mess; lost and trying to make a statement. You’d ease up to me, lay a hand on my back, and it was like having the strongest person in the world next to me.”
He looked at his hands but I saw the dimples on his cheeks that gave away his smile. “That was a different time.” His eyes met mine. “There was a lot at stake.”
“And there isn’t now? Not with your business and reputation?”
He shrugged. “Those things are nice, but none of them fill the hole.”
The hole.
I didn’t ask him to explain it because I had the same one.
“So how do you think Hayden’s really doing?”
We looked over at him, sitting at the table, leg propped on another chair. He and Ginger were involved in a conversation but it wasn’t hard to miss the rings under his eyes. “It’s been a hard adjustment. He probably should sleep more. The doctor said no screen time at all, but I’ve caught him a few times on his phone or watching TV. He’s bored. I get it, but it’s the best way to heal.”
“I keep catching him rubbing his forehead. Headaches?” I asked.
“He won’t really admit it, but yeah. It’s obvious.” Jackson leaned closer. “And his temper. God. He’s almost unbearable.”
“I’ll come by soon if you think it will help.”
“It will help Oliver, that’s for sure.”
Glancing over at the bar, I
caught Anderson still watching us, lines tugging at his mouth. I sighed heavily and nudged Jackson’s foot with my toe. He followed my eyes and looked over his shoulder. “Should we make him jealous, like the good ol’ days?”
“That’s not funny.” Although it was, a little, and I laughed darkly. “Shit. Maybe I do need that drink.” To get through the night, I didn’t add.
Jackson nodded and stood, giving me a hand to help me out of my chair.
So, I had a drink and then two more. I was finally relaxed enough not to care about the dirty looks Anderson had been giving me all night. It was a relief when he and Oliver took Hayden home. I watched his tall, broad frame exit the front door and said, “What’s Anderson’s problem, anyway? He certainly isn’t making this situation any easier for anyone.”
Jackson snorted. “Nothing new. Just trying to control the world and all the variables in it.”
“He doesn’t like me talking to you.”
He looked over my shoulder. “No, and I’m pretty sure I’ll hear about it later, too.”
“What’s he afraid of?” My tongue felt loose and my arms limber.
“That I’ll do something stupid.”
Liquid courage compelled me and I took a step closer, outside appropriate boundaries. His eyebrows raised in response. “We’re adults, Jax. We can do what we want without Anderson’s judgment. Fuck him if he thinks we can’t be left alone to have a simple conversation. We’re moving on, right? Doing this for Amber. For Hayden. We’re adulting.” I frowned into my drink, realizing it was empty.
Jackson leaned against the wall and brushed my hair over my shoulder. Inside I froze. The move…it was intimate, sweet…familiar. Outside, where my limbs were loose, I didn’t step away.
“I’ve really missed you,” he said, quietly.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
I know all of Jackson’s expressions, the way he looks when he’s proud, or disappointed, or the way his forehead creases right before he comes, but he looks at me now with a different sort of intensity. Like he’s afraid I’ll break…or run.
For the first time in a long while, I didn’t feel like going anywhere.
“Heaven,” I heard, and turned toward Amber’s voice. She shrugged her jacket on over her shoulders. Ginger’s arm slipped around her waist. “You need a ride home?”
I didn’t look at Jackson, but I felt him behind me. Waiting for my response. Ginger was blissed out enough by the evening that I wasn’t sure she’d even noticed my hesitation. Amber on the other hand; her eyes darted between me and Jackson, the question lingering in the air.
“I think I’m good,” I finally said, walking over to give them each a hug.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” Amber whispered in my ear.
“Who? Me?” I mumbled back, but I didn’t want to put anything into the atmosphere. All I was doing was hanging with a friend. An old, handsome friend with eyes burning into my back as we spoke. “I’m just…looking for closure, that’s all.”
She pulled back and gave me a look that I couldn’t quite discern. It definitely wasn’t disapproval.
“Congratulations,” I said. “Love you both.”
“Love you, too,” Amber replied, gazing at me and then over my shoulder. A moment later they were gone, and Jackson and I were alone and I wondered if it’d been a mistake to stay.
I turned to face him and took one look at his face and his body language; the way his hands were tucked into his pockets, the slight way he rocked on his heels, like a man tethered to his spot so he wouldn’t pounce.
It would be up to me, then...to make the decision about where this would go from here. I met his eyes and fought the wave of insecurities warring in my belly and asked him to take me home.
20
Jackson
She asked and I said yes.
And prayed, the smallest of prayers that this was a step in the right direction and not a terrible, awful, unforgiveable mistake.
I walked her up the steps to her studio apartment, hands stuffed in my pockets, saying little. Any words spoken could blow this entirely. Heaven was a notorious overthinker. She ruminated. She worried. She always had and it left her vulnerable. But we’d worked through that and promised not to treat her like she was fragile, but now…I didn’t know how to play this game.
She turned at the top of the steps, the wind blowing strands of her dark hair away from her face, and she was so beautiful. She’d always been beautiful, even when her world was falling apart. My heart clenched when her eyes landed on me—waiting for my dismissal.
I opened my mouth to do it first, soften the inevitable blow, but words rushed off her tongue. “I know we made a deal and I know why, because this is freaking hard. Just being near you—any of you. It scrambles my brain and my heart and all I feel is butterflies mixed with dread and…” she bit down on her red, bottom lip and looked away.
“Hey,” I said, touching her chin, forcing her to face me. “I get it. All of it. I shouldn’t be here, but—”
“I think maybe I need something final between us.”
I sucked in a breath and repeated, “Final.”
“Closure or…I don’t know. Something that signifies the end, not what we had before where we all just vanished from one another’s lives.”
I swallowed and looked over her shoulder, out at the view of Allendale from her building’s doorstep. I should leave. I should just walk away now, because what I wanted to do wasn’t about closure and it sure as hell wasn’t just about me. It wasn’t just about Heaven. It was about all of us, it always was, and if I do something I regretted it could affect everyone.
But then I remembered…I was the first to kiss her then and the first to make her come. If anyone was going to take the chance— “Fuck it,” she muttered, before I completed my thought, reaching for me.
Fire sparked between us when our mouths met; her lips soft, familiar, perfect. Heaven’s hands fisted in my shirt, pushing me against the wall. That move was new, aggressive.
I liked it.
Dammit, I loved it.
Our relationship had escalated during college—we lost the shy, Heaven’s- fragile-mentality with a lot of practice and communication. But the feel of her lips against mine, the weight of her body—different, curvier, harder—brought out a hunger I’d buried deep inside.
I didn’t just want the old Heaven. I wanted the new one—the adult one. The bold one leaning into me right now.
The street light flickered over our heads and a car door slammed down by the street. The movements jolted me back and I looked down at her, my heart racing, my cock hard. Heaven licked her lips and said, “Come inside?”
I nodded and let her lead me in.
21
Heaven
WhatamIdoing? WhatamIdoing? WhatamIdoing?
The thought ran through my head as I led Jackson to the stairwell. It was the old high school stairway that led to the second floor, and at the top landing Jackson pushed me into the corner and said, “There were so many times I wished I could have taken you at Allendale High.”
“On the stairs?”
“God yes,” he said into my neck. A chill ran down my spine. “Or in the locker room, beneath the bleachers, baseball dugout, classroom… I would have fucked you any damn place if I could have gotten away with it.”
“You do realize we didn’t have sex until almost the end of the year.”
He smiled a deadly, seductive grin. “I said I wished. You know I was thinking about it long before we did it.”
The fact that he wanted me so much then and that it hadn’t changed one bit ignited a spark of lust. Pure lust, which wasn’t the same as commitment, and that was what I could give. The glint in his eye told me the same of him.
My hands moved to the buttons of his pants, all shyness gone. “My neighbors have a pretty strict noise policy, it’s probably better if we take it out of the stairwell.”
“You ruin all my fun.”
“I’ll mak
e up for it, I promise.”
I didn’t know where my sudden bravado came from. Maybe just knowing we were on borrowed time. One last chance to shut the door between us, once and for all. I fumbled with the keys while opening my door, my knees wobbly with desire. Jackson stood behind me, pushed my hair away and planted slow, seductive kisses along my neck.
I finally got the key in the slot and turned, exhaling in relief. His hands were on me before we crossed the threshold and I’d already unbuttoned the top button of his pants, fingers grazing at his zipper.
The door slammed too loudly, followed by the thud of my back against the wood. His movements weren’t quite frantic, but there was an intensity, like he knew, like he felt as I did; that wouldn’t get another opportunity and he didn’t want to waste a moment. I caught my breath as he eased the hem of my skirt higher, watching him take in the new, older me.
Did he care that I was no longer that girl?
His fingers skimmed my thighs, traveling to my hips. I watched his Adam’s apple bob and there was no doubt about the desire lurking underneath. I was struck in this moment of how much I wanted to feel the energy coursing between us. How much I missed it. And when his hands grazed my belly and his lips crashed against mine, I threw caution to the wind and chased it.
It didn’t take long before our clothing hit the floor and my eyes were glued, glued, to his rippling six-pack. His body was thicker than before, more muscular, the deep-set V defining the space of his hips. The trail of his hair was coarser, less spare. I ran my fingers through it, reveling at the difference. We were still standing by the door of my apartment, intent and focused on one another.
“Jesus,” he muttered, fingering the black lace edge of my panties. Ones I thought I wore on a whim but now I wondered…did I have this planned? Did I make this happen? Lea had planted that idea in my head and more mature or not, bringing one of these men to my bed tonight was not unpredictable.
