by Lisa Jade
For a long moment, I can’t speak. I can’t even breathe.
And suddenly, I’m running. I race down the length of the ship, faster than I ever did on Earth or during my tests for the Scheme. The motion is heavenly, freeing – and as I dart towards the star, eager to feel just a hint of its warmth, unending joy fills my chest.
This is it. This is what I wanted.
My knees fall out from under me and I stumble, skidding to a stop. I crane my head to look at the various shadows flying overhead, and a delighted laugh bursts from my throat. I reach one hand up, certain I can feel my fingertips grow warmer as the objects pass.
Footsteps behind me, followed by soft gasping.
“Wow,” says Isaac, “you can run fast when you want to.”
I don’t reply. My gaze is fixed on the sight before me. After a moment Isaac slumps down next to me, crossing his ankles and shooting me a knowing look.
“Shall I take your reaction to mean you like it?”
“It’s… it’s incredible. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
I turn to him, to the sweet look on his face – and my discomfort melts away. I’m no longer looking at the bruised, beaten son of the Captain. He’s just Isaac, the man who brought me here to see the stars. He leans a little closer and to my surprise, his lips part.
My mind races. Is he…? No, of course not. I shake the thought away.
“Thank you. For showing me this.”
“I’d say we’re even,” he smiles, “I didn’t realise how amazing it was before now.”
“You’ve been so good to me. I had no idea what you were really risking to keep me safe.”
I shuffle a little.
“I feel like I need to repay you somehow.”
We’re close. Closer than before. Heat builds in my face and I bite my lip.
What’s going on? Why do I feel heady and enthused? Why can’t I tear my gaze from his face? Why is he leaning in, leaving only a few inches between us?
“W-what are you doing?” I hear myself say.
A hand finds mine.
“I just… want to try something.”
“O-okay.”
Lips find mine and suddenly I’m wrapping my arms around him, entangling my fingers in his hair. My racing heart suddenly steadies. This isn’t weird, much to my surprise. This is ordinary, sane. Right. This is how things are always supposed to be.
We pull apart, and the voice screams at me. It warns me that this can never happen. We could never be together, and if we were, it would only cause trouble. The last person I allowed myself to care about was Cherise, and she…
“What’s wrong?” he asks breathlessly. I shake my head.
“Th… that was a bad idea. I’m sorry.”
“Huh?”
He entwines his fingers in mine.
“I like you. Really.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
Tears prick the back of my eyes and I pull back, climbing to my feet and stepping pointedly away. Sadness overwhelms me and I look away, unable to face the hurt in his eyes.
This whole thing is dangerous. One wrong move and I’ll be captured and killed. If we grow too close, if he tries to speak up for me – what would the Captain do to him? And even if I stay under the radar, what if his father found out about this? About us? Luci warned me not to cross the man. I glance at the bruise on Isaac’s eye and wince. If that’s the result of a minor conflict… what would he do to Isaac if he found out we kissed?
A couple of tears break free, and I rub madly at my face. In an instant he’s on his feet, hands on my shoulders, concern filling his face.
“I am so sorry! I misread the signals - I thought you…”
“I should never have come here.”
I don’t know what’s more agonising; saying the words out loud, or the hurt in Isaac’s eyes when he hears them.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do,” I sniff, “if I hadn’t come on board, you and Luci wouldn’t be risking everything. You wouldn’t have got hurt today. I wouldn’t be messing everything up for you.”
The thought makes my chest ache. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I’m a burden to them. Friends or otherwise, I don’t belong here. I’ve forced myself into their world. I glance at the star burning overhead. All the pain I’ve caused, all for this. Was it worth it?
I turn to leave, unable to stand here for a moment longer.
“Quinn, come on.”
I don’t reply. If I try to speak to him, I’ll burst into tears – I remind myself of the promise I made after that night at the Drop-off. No more crying. No more weakness.
But then a strong hand finds my wrist, and I stop.
“I get it,” he gasps, “you’re scared. I’m scared too. But we’ll be okay.”
“You can’t possibly know that.”
“I said I’d protect you, remember? That wasn’t an empty promise.”
I turn for face him, resistance burning in my chest.
“It’s not me I’m worried about.”
“I know,” he says, “but if you hadn’t been on board, Terri would have drowned. And we’d never have found that Crysalin blade. And there’d have been nobody to pull my Dad off me the next time he flipped out over something stupid.”
I bite my lip. He pushes on.
“Nobody has ever stood up to him before. You’re amazing.”
“I have a skill for antagonising people, that’s all.”
“You’re fearless. I love that about you. Between us, we can…”
I scoff.
“Fearless? Are you joking? The only reason Terri’s alive is because if I had to watch another person die in front of me, I’d probably lose my mind. I am terrified, Isaac, all the time. I can only keep this going for so long before they catch me.”
“But…”
“Look, I like you too. But we’re perfect strangers, even now. There is no reason for you to be so dedicated to me. If I’m going to die on this ship, I need you and Luci to have plausible deniability. I don’t want you to pay the price for my stupid choices, and I refuse to put you at risk any more than I already have. Do what your father told you, okay? Find some girl from One and start making perfect little babies. Or don’t, I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”
For a long moment we just stand there, staring at one another. He releases my wrist and his fingers graze the scar. I wince and pull my arm in, unable to stand it.
I don’t deserve kindness. I don’t deserve someone like him to care about me. Not after everything I’ve done.
“But I…”
“No,” I say, my voice firm, “the answer is no.”
I bend down in a mock curtsey, ignoring the revulsion in his eyes.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, sir. I must find my passenger.”
“Quinn, don’t do this…”
I don’t answer; just turn away.
I lie awake that night, ignoring the sound of Luci’s snoring from next door. She didn’t notice anything when she returned – aside from insisting I needed a little mascara, and thanking me for the tea I’d prepared – and quickly fell asleep.
The room feels a little cold tonight, so I pull the blanket up to my chin. What I’d give for a roaring fire or even a space heater. There’s no reason for it to be so cold.
But then I reach one hand out of the blanket, and the air is warm. I sigh. Standing outside must have made me cold. Idly, a thought occurs to me. I wonder how long he stayed up there. He didn’t come after me. Perhaps he knew I couldn’t be convinced.
I feel a small pang of regret. For a moment back there, everything had clicked into place – his warmth, his kindness, his kiss – but I just had to ruin it.
If we were together, it’d be risky. If I grew to love him, and he got hurt, it’d be like reliving Cherise’s death all over again. And if he grew to love me… well, I don’t see much of a way out for me. I wouldn’t want to hurt him.
I slap my cheeks in frustration. He o
pened up to me, and I turned him down. I wanted to share his company and I wanted to keep him safe.
But I didn’t want this.
Sixteen
It’s been another month since that night atop the Neptune – and things have plodded along with a strange, familiar rhythm. I’ve fallen into a steady routine; wake early, race to the dining hall and collect breakfast for Luci to eat in her room. Then stand by and smile as I accompany her anywhere she wants to go.
I stop skipping out on certain activities, even taking part in shopping trips and gallery visits. I’d be lying if I said they were fun, but I’m happy to do it. Whenever she questions my sudden bout of obedience, I simply talk it down. I’m not obedient, I insist. I just don’t mind doing it.
Isaac hasn’t spoken to me since that night; or at least, not in any depth. He greets me with the same polite ‘hello’ that he uses for everyone, but never starts conversations like he used to. He’d watched me closely for the first few days, his eyes flitting from my face to my neck to my arm – but since the bruises faded, he’s taken care not to look me in the eye. Luci questioned it at first but we both shrugged it off, telling her everything was fine. She hasn’t asked since, though I’m sure she suspects something.
The others seem to sense the mood, too. Terri and Sabina still hang around with us a lot, but they don’t seem quite so relaxed around me now. Perhaps I seem like I’m on edge. It would make sense, since I am. Even Finn, who used to talk to me like he’d known me his whole life, seems unsure.
Nevertheless, he approaches me one morning in the dining hall, stuffing his hands into his pockets in a vague effort to appear nonchalant.
“Morning. What are you doing up so early?”
“Morning,” I say politely, “I’m collecting Luci’s breakfast. She prefers to eat in solitude.”
“Don’t we all?” he asks, rolling his eyes. I give a short nod. It’s hard not to fire back at him with a sarcastic quip. But I can’t. I have to stay safe, and staying safe means not drawing attention to myself. Not even from those I consider friends.
“Look,” he says suddenly, “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Isaac, but…”
“There’s nothing going on. We’re fine.”
“See, you both keep saying that – but he’s clearly bothered about something. You two barely talk anymore.”
“We don’t? I hadn’t noticed.”
“And you haven’t been Stem jumping with us in weeks.”
“I’ve been busy.”
He fixes me with a stony glare, and then his expression changes; like he sees through me.
“You know you can talk to me about this, Quinn. I thought we were friends.”
“We are…”
Suddenly, a scream rings out across the hall. The tray slips from my hands and onto the tiled floor, letting out another deafening clatter.
“What the heck was that?” cries Finn. I turn towards the source of the noise – the far door at the edge of the room, leading to the hallway – and grit my teeth.
It’d be stupid to get involved, right? Reckless.
But then Finn and I nod at one another, and race towards the noise.
We barrel into the hallway, where a sizeable crowd has already gathered. Everyone stands in a perfect circle around a clearing. As we near, I spot someone slumped on the floor with their head in their hands. Murmurs flicker across the room and the panic grows.
“S-someone call the crew!”
“The Captain! We need the Captain!”
Several people run away, and Finn and I exchange alarmed looks. I delve a little deeper into the crowd, finally reaching the wall of the clearing, and stop dead.
There, lying sprawled in the middle of the hallway, are three prone forms, their white crew uniforms drenched with crimson. The nearest figure’s head is turned this way, and as I lean down, heart in my throat, I can see his eyes are open.
Blank. Staring. Empty.
I jump back, promptly slipping on something wet – and as Finn races up behind me, locking his hands around my shoulders – I look down.
“Oh, god.”
Blood soaks the floor, running in endless streams across the tiles. My gorge instantly rises and I retch; and I’m far from the only one sickened by the sight. Finn tightens his grip on my shoulders, colour draining from his face.
“W-what the hell happened?”
Already, others are asking the same thing.
“This can’t be an accident,” someone says, “this was murder.”
“Murder?! No way. Nobody on board would…”
“How did this even happen?”
Suddenly, Finn steps into the clearing. He swallows hard, then bends down and plucks something from the nearest pool of blood.
“Quinn. Look.”
As he turns my way, my stomach twists.
A Crysalin blade. This one is bigger than the last, serrated at the edges, as though it were designed for this particular purpose. Finn turns it over in his hand, fingers quivering as they touch the blood on the handle.
“It’s the same.”
The Captain releases a statement within minutes, notifying us of the homicide of three crew members. He doesn’t mince his words in the slightest, instead launching into a tirade of threats aimed at whoever committed the crime. He details exactly what will happen to the person who did it – and insists that he’ll catch them before anyone else is harmed.
Finn accompanies me back to Luci’s room. Both she and Isaac are already there, talking in low, panicked voices. When she sees me, her face breaks into a relieved smile.
“Oh, thank god. You’re okay.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The statement from Dad said someone had been killed. But it didn’t say who.”
I wave my hands in her face, as though to snap her out of it.
“Calm down. If you’d listened, you’d hear it wasn’t a Companion who was killed. It was three crew members.”
Her face falls.
“Someone killed three crew members?!”
“Yeah,” Finn says from beside me, “we saw everything.”
Isaac steps forward now too, his face creased with worry.
“First the platform, now this. What the hell is going on?”
“Well,” says Finn, “I can tell you this much. Whoever did the platform also did this.”
“Huh?”
“We found another blade. Next to the bodies.”
The others gasp.
“No way!” Luci cries, “So someone really does want to kill us?”
“It can’t be,” I say, “nobody’s that stupid. They have to be targeting someone in particular.”
Isaac shakes his head.
“I’ve heard rumours, you know… from the crew.”
“You have?”
“I’m friends with some of them,” he explains, “networking, you know. Just like Dad always says. They keep me up to date. Right now, the latest rumour is that they’ve received some kind of threat.”
I stare blankly, suddenly dismissing any lingering awkwardness.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I don’t know, exactly. Initially, I wrote it off as another stupid rumour – there are plenty going around. But apparently, they don’t know where the messages are coming from. They’re just weird, garbled signals packed with a lot of threatening words. One theory is that someone’s trying to hold the ship at ransom, killing people off until the crew do something they want.”
“Nobody would do that,” Luci says, “we have no enemies.”
Isaac fixes me with a cold gaze, his mouth twitching.
“I really, really hate to say this – to give credence to rumours – but maybe Sabina was right. Maybe someone from Four is trying to start trouble.”
My stomach swirls at the thought. If investigations are narrowed down to Four, then I’m in trouble.
“Please don’t look at me like that,” I say feebly. He shoots me
an apologetic look.
“Sorry. But it’s more dangerous than ever, now. We have to tread carefully.”
“You don’t think I had anything to do with this, do you?”
“Of course not. You’re no killer. I don’t think you have it in you.”
He heaves a pained sigh, then looks around.
“If I know our Dad – and I’m sure I do - he’ll have the whole mystery solved within the week. In the meantime, we should be careful. Avoid travelling alone, where we can.”
“You think so?”
“Just in case. The intercom message said the crew members were killed in the hallways. This killer probably hangs round in the shadows, waiting for the right person to pass by. So until they figure it out, nobody should walk around the ship alone.”
Isaac settles his gaze on me again, and I realise with a pang of sorrow that this is the most we’ve spoken in weeks. Despite the morbid topic of conversation, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed him. So I draw my lips back in what I hope is a small but genuine smile.
To my immense relief, he returns it.
“Another night, another party,” Luci whines as we pace the hallways. She looks particularly flawless tonight, with her lips painted rouge and her hair curled over one shoulder. She wears a pretty white dress that hangs softly to the ground, giving her the appearance of a Greek goddess. I glance down at myself. For whatever reason, Luci loves making me wear black. Perhaps because it makes me sink into the background - or maybe it’s to make her more visible in her bright, glittering gowns.
We walk amongst a steadily moving crowd, and I can’t help but notice a distinct split in the topics of conversation; half talk about the party, about the fact that someone special is singing tonight. The other half talk in low voices, glancing around nervously. Must be discussing the murders. I keep my head down as we walk, listening to whatever snippets I can.
“They reckon it’s someone from Four.”
“Rubbish. There are no people like that on board.”
“There was talk of a stowaway the first night.”
“The one that fell into the engines? Pretty sure they’re dead.”
