by John MacKay
‘It was difficult,’ she said, biting her lip.
Fearing that she might cry again, Cal tried for levity.
‘So that makes Colin what? My cousin? So you’re my cousin-in-law. Your boy is going to love that. Related to me. I know he’s a Nicolson, but strictly speaking he’s a MacCarl. And that’s what she used to say to me all the time. ‘The last of the line,’ she’d say. Well it’s good to know I’m not, not really.’
‘You are, Cal.’
‘I know his name is Nicolson, but his dad was really a MacCarl.’
‘No, he wasn’t.’
‘Alright, I suppose strictly speaking he’d carry the name of the Canadian guy, but he wouldn’t want to have the name of a family that didn’t want him. No, he was a MacCarl.’
‘No Cal, he wasn’t.’ Mairi turned to look at him. ‘I was.’
24
ON THE EDGE of the bay a roller crashed loudly against the cliffs and a plume of spray arced through the air and seawater poured off the rock. A corresponding explosion rocked Cal inside. Mairi’s revelation collided with everything he was sure of. It was as if he had been dealt a physical blow.
His eyes reconnected with hers. The physical motions were faster than the processes of his brain.
‘I was Mary’s baby,’ she repeated, taking his hand again. The intensity of her stare was too much for him and he looked to the sea again.
‘You?’
‘Yes, me. Mary was my mother.’
The shock was too much. He pulled his hand from her’s in hurt bewilderment. He couldn’t speak and he couldn’t walk away.
‘Cal.’
A lesser wave thudded onto the rock. Miniscule spits of water splashed onto their faces. Mairi waited for him to respond. It took some time.
‘You didn’t say?’ His voice strained and angry.
‘I…’ she began, but Cal didn’t let her continue.
‘You made a fool of me.’
‘Cal, please. I didn’t know until the night before she died. As she lay dying… that’s when she told me. It’s a shock to me too.’
Her plea mollified him. ‘Is this what she was going to tell me?’
‘She wanted you to hear it from her. But she deteriorated too quickly.’
‘She had a lifetime to tell me. And you. Why leave it until the end?’
‘Maybe there was never a right time before.’
‘Tell me what she said.’
‘Not here. Let’s go down to the shore.’
They climbed the fence and jumped down the rocks onto the dry, soft sand, then made for the firmer, wet sand and walked slowly across the bay leaving a clear trail of imprints, the only marks on the empty shore. The sun had slipped farther down the sky and was sinking below the horizon, the waves flickering against its orange canvas.
‘She knew the end was near. We were talking and it got quite intense, the things that are always left unsaid. I’d always known I was adopted, my parents never hid that from me. They were good people and I was happy and didn’t give it much thought until I had Colin. Just having him there, holding my own baby, made me think how anyone could give away their child. I said that to her. When I think of it now, it must have been a knife to her heart.’
Cal nodded, watching the sand beneath their feet.
‘That’s when she told me. She wanted me to understand.’ Mairi caught a cry as it built up within her.
‘How was she?’
‘It just all came out from her. All the years of keeping her emotions in check just came away. She was so distraught I thought she was going to die there and then.’
The grains of sand that had been so clear to Cal moments before, now blurred. Mairi came close to him and wrapped her arms around him.
‘You worked out the story. It’s just as you said. She’d been in Canada and she fell for a man who didn’t stand by her. She forgave him in the end. To herself. He was dead. Things were different then and he was young. They both were. I think she still loved him, I really do. I think that’s why she never married, although she didn’t say. It still hurt her after all these years. I was born in Glasgow. She was vague about how my parents got me, but it wasn’t chance that they were from up here. She said it had been ‘arranged’ by a friendly nurse, but she didn’t go into specifics and there was so much I wanted to hear I didn’t ask. You guessed it all, except that you thought it was a boy she had.’
‘Who else knows?’
‘Just you and me. Your father and grandparents knew, but not that it was me. I don’t even think my own parents knew who she was. The nurse was a friend of theirs, but all they ever knew was that the mother was unmarried. They never met. She said she’d sat with me after I was born, just like I had with Colin, and that it was so unbearable I had to be taken away quickly.’
‘But she knew you were here?’
‘Only that I was with an island family. The nurse had promised her that. But she didn’t know where. She says she saw me as a wee girl in town with my mother and knew immediately I was hers. Said she used to watch me playing in the park. Imagine that, your own child and not able to even speak to her.’
‘If you didn’t know, why did you move across the island to the house across the road from her?’
‘Chance. What I told you was true. Colin liked it over this side, the fishing and everything, and the house was cheap. The only thing that I didn’t say was that Colin and I got together because we knew we were both adopted and we connected on that.’
‘And the graves side by side?’
‘I only found that out this morning. That’s what I was thinking about when you came. She arranged the funeral herself and she must have arranged the plot too. She’d have known that’s where I would go when my time came, next to Colin. And she wanted to be near me.’
Mairi’s composure collapsed and she sobbed pitifully. Cal held her to him as the sun slipped below the skyline. The man of only days before might have had seduction on his mind, believing that at this time, in this light, in this beautiful, isolated place, any woman would be for the taking. But everything was different now and he held her sobbing heart close to him and did his best to soothe her sorrow.
Later, when Mairi was calmer, they sat on a rock mass and watched the water roll up the shore.
‘How do you feel?’ she asked.
‘Sad. How could I be anything but? At least she had the chance to tell you. You held each other like a mother and daughter should. And that’s more important than me being told. She was content, Mairi. When she went, she was ready. You could tell.’
‘We were pals right from when we came here and she called in to say hello. It’s only looking back on it that I can see she was like a mother to me, only I didn’t know what was behind it.’
‘Why didn’t she say?’
‘I don’t know. She might have been afraid of losing me twice. Or maybe if I’d said I was looking for my birth mother, she’d have told me.’
Darkness was swallowing the dusk and they retraced their steps back into the cemetery.
‘Are you okay?’ asked Mairi, breaking the silence of thought that had descended.
‘It’s a lot to take in.’
‘I know.’
‘Are you going to tell people?’
‘I don’t think I will.’
‘Secrets again? Look where it got us.’
‘What’s to be gained? Mary never told them, so that’s how she must have wanted it. I’m not going to try to change it.’
‘You’ll tell the kids though?’
‘Someday. They’re too raw just now.’
‘Then how are you going to explain the house?’
‘The house?’
‘It’s yours now. I’ve no claim on it.’
‘No!’ Mairi protested. ‘That’s not right. It should be yours.’
‘When I came here that was what was on my mind. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it was. Not now. And anyway, I don’t deserve it.’
‘What do you mea
n?’
‘Listen, Mary was a big part of my life and these last few years I ignored her, or as good as. And when I came here, I looked at that house in terms of the money I could get for it. Well, that’s not right. My family – our family – has ties here and I don’t trust myself not to throw that away.’
Cal glanced at Mairi and saw again how attractive she was. He had developed an attraction to her which now seemed inappropriate. He would have to look upon her differently now and that would not be easy.
‘So what next?’ she asked.
‘I go home.’
He thought of Lisa and the shoddy way he had treated her. To remedy that would be a priority. After that, he didn’t know. Wait for the next big chance, probably. But he would do so understanding that it couldn’t be the sole purpose of his life.
‘And what about you? Might Roddy be playing a part in your future?’
She blushed. ‘Maybe. We’ll see.’
They came level with the grave again. Cal crouched down, touched his fingers to his lips, kissed them and placed them lightly on the fresh earth, then they walked on.
Also available from Luath Press and John MacKay
The Road Dance
£6.99 | ISBN 978-1-842820-40-7 | eISBN 978-1-909912-23-6
Life in the Scottish Hebrides can be harsh - The edge of the world some call it. For the beautiful Kirsty Macleod, the love of Murdo and their dreams of America promise an escape from the scrape of the land, the repression of the Church and the inevitablility of the path their lives would take. But as the Great War looms Murdo is conscripted. The villagers hold a grand Road Dance to send their young men off to battle. As the dancers swirl and sup, the wheels of tragedy are set in motion.
More Info
Heartland: A Novel
£6.99 | ISBN 978-1-905222-11-7 | eISBN 978-1-909912-11-3
A man tries to build for his future by reconnecting with his past, leaving behind the ruins of the life he has lived. Iain Martin hopes that by returning to his Hebridean roots and embarking on a quest to reconstruct the ancient family home, he might find new purpose. But then he uncovers a secret from the past.
More Info
Luath Press Limited
committed to publishing well written books worth reading
LUATH PRESS takes its name from Robert Burns, whose little collie Luath (Gael., swift or nimble) tripped up Jean Armour at a wedding and gave him the chance to speak to the woman who was to be his wife and the abiding love of his life. Burns called one of ‘The Twa Dogs’ Luath after Cuchullin’s hunting dog in Ossian’s Fingal. Luath Press was established in 1981 in the heart of Burns country, and is now based a few steps up the road from Burns’ first lodgings on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile.
Luath offers you distinctive writing with a hint of unexpected pleasures.
Most bookshops in the UK, the US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and parts of Europe either carry our books in stock or can order them for you.
To order direct from us, please send a £sterling cheque, postal order, international money order or your credit card details (number, address of cardholder and expiry date) to us at the address below. Please add post and packing as follows: UK – £1.00 per delivery address; overseas surface mail – £2.50 per delivery address; overseas airmail – £3.50 for the first book to each delivery address, plus £1.00 for each additional book by airmail to the same address. If your order is a gift, we will happily enclose your card or message at no extra charge.
Luath Press Limited
543/2 Castlehill
The Royal Mile
Edinburgh EH1 2ND
Scotland
Telephone: 0131 225 4326 (24 hours)
Fax: 0131 225 4324
email: [email protected]
Website: www.luath.co.uk
