by Sue Watson
She stood at the table where I was sitting and fidgeted with her cuffs – which I took as body language for ‘I refuse to listen to all your shit again’. She’d spent a year forensically dissecting my last relationship, so who could blame her for rejecting a sisterly dismembering of something that hadn’t even started yet? But I just kept talking and didn’t acknowledge the fact she was standing on one foot then the next, eager to get away.
‘I’m disappointed in Storm’s reading,’ I sighed. ‘I’m not even sure I believe it – but I was hoping I’d finally get the world card, the one with two naked people and lots of flowers on it. I’ve never had that card…’
‘No, because you want it so much,’ she said, finally speaking but sounding frustrated. ‘You just want everything to fall into place, and when it doesn’t, you try and shoehorn it until it does. Just enjoy this time with Jon, see it as a lovely Christmassy fling and don’t worry about where it’s going, what he’s thinking or what’s going to happen this time next week – because it probably isn’t going anywhere, and that’s okay, love.’
She said this last bit gently, like she was breaking it to me that the man I was falling for might just not be my happy ending, but I already knew that, didn’t I?
‘Jody, I’m not building this thing with Jon into something, honestly.’
‘Mmmm, so why are you calling Storm and asking for a reading?’
‘I called to find out how Mrs Christmas was… she had already done my reading. I simply asked if there was anything I should know… He might have a deep dark secret.’
‘And did she tell you?’
‘No.’
‘Then forget it. Storm makes it all up as she goes along. She’s as bad as you, both trying to make sense of the universe, turn it into a story with an ending and meaning – but real life doesn’t always fit neatly into your narrative.’
‘Don’t I know it.’
‘Stop trying so hard, Jen. Just because you want someone to fit into your world, it doesn’t mean that they will. Don’t make the same mistake you did with Tim and try and make things work with a guy you’ve just met – why not just enjoy Jon for a while?’
Oh God, Jody was right. She was sometimes brutally honest, but I needed to be told how obsessive and annoying I could be. This wasn’t like being criticised by Tim – this was the truth told to me by someone who loved and cared about me.
‘Oh hi, Jon,’ Jody said, smiling as he appeared next to her at the table. ‘I’ll get off, leave you both to it.’ And with that she set off up the mountain, leaving Jon standing there and me looking back at him.
‘You okay, Jon?’ I asked, shielding my eyes with my hand as I looked up at him. The sky was brilliant blue, and the sun was bouncing off the glowing white of the snow.
‘I came to find you, Jen.’
I was delighted and patted the seat near me for him to sit down while we ordered drinks and sat huddled in the freezing bright day, chatting about the weather and the skiing. When our steaming mugs of chocolate arrived, towering with frothy cream and mallows, we laughed at the size of them and warmed our hands on the hot mugs, covering our faces in fresh cream and chewing on the mallows. I wanted to stop my life there and then, like a video, and just look at this perfect picture. Snow was falling, and Christmas was still around in the lights in the trees, the coloured bulbs dancing on a string around the café. There were children everywhere throwing snowballs, balancing precariously on snowboards, none of them thinking about tomorrow or the next day – just living for here and now. And if I could have stopped my life and savoured it just for a while it would have been then.
‘There’s something I need to tell you,’ he suddenly said, putting down his mug, his face now serious, no smiles, no twinkly eyes.
I didn’t say anything, but my mouth went dry.
‘I haven’t been honest with you Jenny. I like you and I never want to frighten you off… but I have something to tell you, and I don’t think you will be liking it very much.’
I suddenly felt like I was going to have to go through some horrible betrayal all over again. I’d slept with Jon, and I knew people didn’t see sex as the special, exclusive thing I always had, but I didn’t sleep with people easily. I had to really like someone before I shared intimacy with them, and I’d believed Jon was perhaps like me and I could trust him – at least for the season. But here he was looking at me across a rickety coffee table, his beautiful face framed by the sparkly white mountains behind him and his eyes as blue as the sky above… about to break my heart into a million icy pieces.
‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,’ I said slowly, trying to brace myself for his departure, not wanting to hear the excuses, the lies.
‘I want to tell you… Jen, you know I have been married.’
I nodded, unable to speak.
‘Well, I have to tell you, I see my wife every weekend…’
Oh God, it was worse than I’d even thought – so that’s what ‘busy’ meant. He was still with his wife – at weekends!
‘So you’re still together…?’ I gasped. How could he? Not only had he betrayed his wife, but me too. I got up to go. I didn’t need this. I was destined to meet men who didn’t care about me, men who didn’t care about women.
‘No, no,’ he said, grabbing me by the wrist as I tried to leave. ‘Jenny, she is living in another town forty kilometres from here…’
‘So… you’re not together?’ I stood there, not wanting to go and not wanting to stay, confused and bewildered.
He was looking up at me, those blue eyes beseeching. ‘No… but I have to see her… Please, Jenny, don’t go… I have to tell you.’
I sat down slowly, perched on the edge of my seat, ready to go if anything arose in this conversation that made me unhappy or concerned. ‘Do you still love her?’ I almost croaked this last bit. I couldn’t go through being dumped again, this time for an ex-wife. I was holding my handbag, mentally gathering my coat around me to leave. But he shook his head.
‘Then why do you have to see her?’
‘Because of Ella… our daughter.’
I was now staring at him, trying to take this all in. ‘You have a daughter? Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because…’ He shuffled his feet, moved in his chair. ‘You talk so much about wanting the babies and your heart hurts because you can’t have them, and you say you don’t want the children luggage that comes with the boyfriends.’
I felt a pang of hurt thinking about a little girl whose father lived somewhere else and didn’t come home every night after work any more.
‘I said I didn’t want the baggage because it’s too painful, and I wouldn’t choose to have a relationship with someone who already has a child… I grew up in a broken home – I’m not sure I could live through that.’
‘And when I hear you say this I think… Oh no, she would never want to be with a man like me – a man with a child and all the luggage.’
‘But sometimes if you like someone…’ I stopped talking. It was far too early in our relationship for me to be declaring undying love and throwing all my principles out of the window. It wouldn’t work for me – it would be too painful, a constant reminder of something I couldn’t have… but then again… I may not like the idea of my boyfriend (if that’s what he was) already having a child, but perhaps I needed to be open to the idea and at least allow the notion into my life.
‘How old is your daughter?’ I asked.
‘Ella’s twelve. She was nine when we parted. She is my angel.’
I nodded. ‘How often do you get to see her?’ I thought of my own father, who simply walked away one day and turned up several years later. I hoped things were different for Jon’s daughter.
‘I don’t see her as much as I’d like,’ he sighed. ‘I see her some weekends, not every weekend… I wish it were all the time, but she has a new life and her mother, she says it upsets Ella to stay with me.’
I didn’t understand.
‘How could it upset a child to be with her father?’
‘Ella has a stepfather,’ he said. ‘He takes her to school and he shows her how to do her homework, and he is with her so much of the time. He even took her to the slopes. I’m her father, I want to be the one who teaches her to ski… but I’m working and he’s there with her.’
‘So why don’t you take some time off and teach your daughter to ski?’ I asked. I was suddenly feeling a little prickly; I remembered my father making excuses about why he couldn’t see me – work, his new wife, then his new baby. I hadn’t cared about that – I just wanted my dad. ‘What about this weekend? Is that why you were too busy to see me?’
‘Yes, I take the weekend off work, but now my wife, she says Ella has the sleepover at hers this weekend with her friends… how can I say no to that?’
I nodded. I could see it was difficult from both sides in this kind of situation. It had never occurred to me that it may have been as difficult for my dad to see me as it was for me to see him. My mother had been bitter about the break-up and Jody had told me there were times when Dad had wanted me to stay with them, but Mum had told him I was busy with friends. This was true, and when you become a teenager your parents aren’t the most important thing on your social calendar, but I didn’t think about the impact this may have had on my father. Hearing Jon say this and seeing the sadness in his face made me realise how hard it was for everyone involved.
He was looking at me with some intensity and reaching for my hand. ‘I wasn’t going to tell you because I didn’t want to put you off. Also… I wasn’t sure if it was necessary. Were we together? Did you even like me or would you be happier with someone handsome and more confident like Hans?’
I had to laugh. ‘No, I’m not interested in Hans, but I am interested in you.’ I swallowed. It wasn’t easy to say something like that, especially for me – I was rusty in the game of love and I’d been so determined not to come over as needy, but in doing this perhaps I had given off negative vibes?
‘I’m interested in you too,’ he said, ‘but I wonder if you still want to see me now you know I have a child, Jenny?’ I liked the way he said my name in his strong German accent laced with the softness in his voice that I’d noticed in Saas Fee. I looked into his eyes across the table. Our hands were touching and he seemed to be searching my face for an answer. Yes, I really, really liked him, but I was falling for the single man with no baggage. Now I had to see him as a father, and for me that changed things because someone else’s happiness was now caught up in ours. He had responsibilities, a big life going on at the side of any romance he might embark on with some Englishwoman he’d met in the snow, and I couldn’t bear to be the cause of another little girl losing her father. I recalled the way I felt about my stepmother, how I’d never allowed her an inch, despite her trying so hard to please me and be my friend. That’s all she’d ever wanted, my friendship, a little warmth – but I couldn’t. I was determined that if I were to meet Jon’s daughter, things would be different. I would make sure she liked me – I would be everything she wanted in a friend, and if I tried hard enough, this could only strengthen mine and Jon’s relationship. Couldn’t it?
‘I’d like to meet Ella,’ I heard myself say.
Jon smiled. ‘Yes? You don’t mind that I have a child, and you still want us to be… together?’
‘It isn’t something I’d have chosen,’ I said, finishing off my drink. ‘But like I said… when you’re interested in someone, you sometimes have to take the whole package.’
I thought again about Jody’s criticism about my constant search for perfection. But what was perfection? I’d spent my life dreaming of the perfect partner and the perfect family, and my perception had been two parents and a child or two… or three. But families didn’t always come in perfectly wrapped nuclear bundles – sometimes they were slightly different, flawed even – not perfect, but that didn’t mean they weren’t the right fit.
And as Jon continued to tell me about Ella and how hurt she’d been by the break-up, how clingy she could be when she came to stay, I saw another side to him. I knew he was kind and funny and knowledgeable, but here he was talking about his daughter, and he really seemed to want to be with her. He cared about her feelings, was sensitive and considerate – and it hurt him as much as it hurt her to be apart. Seeing this from Jon’s point of view made me think again about my own father and my heart broke for both of them, but especially my dad – and what might have been.
Chapter 14
Nude Lipstick and a Filthy Mouth
Jon and I eventually said our goodbyes and this time we swapped phone numbers and planned to get together again.
‘I’d really like to see you,’ he said. ‘But before we start anything I need you to be sure. This may last a week, it may last longer – but I come with the luggage. Are you sure you are okay with that?’
‘Yes, I’m sure. Let’s just go with it for now and see where it takes us,’ I said, uttering a sentence I never thought I’d say to a man. But I had to embrace this and be more open to people and opportunities instead of prejudging and then dismissing things that didn’t fit my idea of what life should be. This was real – messy, flawed, real life – and I had to embrace it, because if I didn’t, I might lose out on something worthwhile.
‘It isn’t like he lied to you,’ Jody said when I told her later about Jon’s marriage and Ella. ‘He just decided to tell you when he realised you might be staying around in his life,’ she added. I liked the idea of staying around in Jon’s life – at least while I was here in Switzerland – and as Kate pointed out, ‘You wanted a child and here’s one ready made, like a ready meal.’
I wasn’t sure about that analogy, but I understood what she meant. It made sense in a weird way, didn’t it? There’s me pining for a child, and I meet Jon who has a daughter. She didn’t need another mother, and that was okay because I wasn’t her real mum, but maybe I could be a kind, fun, cool aunt. As I said to Lola, I could talk to teenagers on their own level; I had an iPhone, I was on Facebook, I Skyped and would start an Instagram account before I met Ella so I’d be up to the minute. We could share photos, do selfies or whatever young people did on Instagram, and she could come to me with her boyfriend problems and I’d be there for her. But more than this, I could relate to exactly how Ella was feeling because I’d been there at twelve years old too and could understand, and maybe I could gently bring her and Jon together. The more I thought about this, the more I realised it was meant to be, and when Jody reminded me of Storm’s prediction about a child coming into my life, I just knew this was kismet.
So, as it was Jon’s turn to have Ella, it was arranged that I would meet her for an afternoon before Christmas in Saas Fee and we set off in the snow in Jon’s car.
We drove along mountain roads and through forests of high trees, their branches aching with snow, the roads cracking under the tyres, crispy with ice.
‘I’m nervous about meeting Ella,’ I said.
‘Oh don’t be nervous – she is very sweet,’ he said.
As we had time before we were due to meet Ella, Jon wanted to show me some more of Saas Fee. ‘This is a very special place,’ he sighed. ‘Ella always loved it here when she was little, always wanted to be the princess of this “kingdom”.’ He smiled at the memory.
We parked up and walked through rocks and snow, eventually coming to an opening by a huge, glacial lake. Standing silently together, his hand reached for mine and my heart tingled with cold and excitement. It would soon be Christmas and a wonderful magic and anticipation shimmered in the air – it wasn’t something you could see or touch, but you just knew it was there. Jon pointed to something in the distance, a small castle standing on a mountain in the glittery white distance. It was like a film set and the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
‘I can see why Ella loved it here as a little girl,’ I said. ‘This is like a fairy tale – I would love to recreate this in crystal icing… a glacial setting
made from sparkly spun sugar and sweet crystals.’
‘Yes, I can see it in the window of The Cake Café… We could have our own café and instead of gingerbread we could show the beauty of the glacier in sugar.’
I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. ‘What a lovely idea,’ I said, as we gazed out onto this true winter wonderland. We had escaped to Narnia, stepped back in time into another world, another life. There was magic in the air, tangible and tantalising yet so tranquil, the frozen shades of white and silver and blue, a delicate veil of calmness wafting over and around us. ‘Here is the most beautiful place on earth, and she’s been here for hundreds of thousands of years, longer than all of us,’ he said.
I just continued to stare, but what he said really spoke to me. Time here was meaningless, and the view of this pale, ceramic blue lake surrounded by mountains hadn’t been changed by time – it was the same as it always had been. I looked at Jon and knew that I was right: somehow, some way, if we were meant to be together we would be – and if we weren’t, that was okay, because there were bigger things in the world than us. I had to begin to loosen the ties that bound me to everything and let go.
Arriving at Saas Fee with its winding little traffic-free streets, the old buildings, the odd cowshed dotted here and there, I felt like I was coming home. We walked to The Cake Café, which was as welcoming and cosy as I’d remembered. The snow-encrusted windows glowed, drawing us in for Lebkuchen and steaming hot coffee. The warmth and the Christmassy aromas hit us as we stepped in from the cold, and we ate the crunchy, spicy biscuits hungrily as he filled me in on Ella’s likes and dislikes.
‘I know she’ll love you,’ he said. ‘But when I told her I wanted her to meet someone special she was concerned I might spend less time with her.’
I understood that better than anyone; I’d shared the same fears when my parents had split up. Only in my case it had actually happened. I wasn’t going to ever let this happen to another little girl.
The plan was that we would meet Ella in the café, and we’d spend some time getting to know each other. I had a coach booked for later when I would return to the resort and leave Jon and Ella to have the rest of the weekend together. I was determined this was going to work and I’d done my homework. I knew all about YouTube people with strange names who sang, talked fast and made up their faces listing every product they used, so I was up to the minute with beauty vloggers and lifestyle bloggers and everything in-between. I had a Facebook and Twitter account that I’d used daily at the library and I’d posted some lovely snowy scenes on my Instagram account – so I was ‘good to go’, as the kids say.
