by Sue Watson
He looked uncomfortable and sat up from his recumbent position by the fire. ‘I’m not criticising the way you’ve handled it, just observing, from an objective position as someone new in your lives, and also from the perspective of the child. I lived through this, like Ella is now, and I think she feels like she doesn’t have a voice. I know she’s only twelve, but she needs to feel empowered, her feelings and opinions respected – and as a parent that will hurt because no one wants to think their child is hurting because of them. But trust me, it will be good for all of you if you just allow her an opinion, allow her to make the decisions sometimes about where and how she spends the weekend. Ask her what she wants instead of you telling your ex and her telling you what you both want and how many days and what time for pickup and collection. She’s not a parcel, Jon.’
I hadn’t meant to be quite so honest. I’d intended to be more tactful, more sensitive and he would have had every right to say, ‘Mind your own business.’ But he didn’t.
‘Jenny, I think I’m falling in love with you,’ was what he said.
‘Oh.’
‘Tonight when I rang and you gently reminded me I had a daughter who loves me and worries about me and you gave her the phone, I just felt such powerful emotion. You’ve stuck around, you haven’t been scared off by the luggage… I worried you might be.’
‘I wasn’t sure how I would be with all this,’ I said, meaning the Ella situation. ‘But I’m beginning to care about you too… and Ella… you come as a package. It’s not always the prettiest package, but I care about you enough to see if we can make it a little easier, for all of us. I don’t know the answers – who am I to tell you, a real parent, how to treat your daughter? And I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have been so direct on the phone.’
‘No, you should. Her mother and I have been blind; as you say, it’s always the fighting over Ella, about the time and place, and I think we lost what it’s all about. You have helped me understand that now. Do you think we have some kind of a future?’ he asked suddenly.
‘You mean more than just a working holiday romance?’
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know, Jon. We live so far apart, but I could go home after the season, make some changes and come back here. You know I was thinking of taking classes in cake decoration. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.’
‘You could come back and get work in a bakery – better still, one day we could run our own business making amazing cakes,’ he said, excitement flashing in his eyes. ‘We could do this together, Jenny. We both want the same things, and you can have a family – me, you and Ella. You don’t have to live your life without a child after all…’ he started.
I smiled and sipped my wine. I was not yet ready to dwell too much on my childless status – I was still coming to terms with it myself. ‘When you put it like that, it sounds very tempting. I may never have my own wedding or my own baby, but I could make cakes for other people’s special days, birthdays, wedding, christenings… God, I need to stop talking and thinking about babies.’ I laughed. ‘But more than any of that… I could be around for Ella… and for you.’
‘I would like that,’ he said.
And as the snow came down outside we kissed, and taking my hand he led me to his bedroom where we took off our clothes and lay together on the bed. For a long time we held hands, just talking, and as daylight broke over the mountains we made love. This time it was slow; we took our time, kissing, caressing quietly until he moved into me and I wrapped myself around him. I’d never felt so close, or so in tune, with anyone in my life before, and when it was over we lay there, hand in hand again – and now it felt different.
I looked over at him, this handsome man who I’d known only a few weeks, yet he felt so familiar, so right for me. Until Jon I’d been trying to make everything perfect, in its place, no surprises – but now I knew you couldn’t catalogue love like a book. He had a child already, not something I’d ever wanted from a man, but I could imagine loving Ella like my own child one day. I had a lot to learn about motherhood that Ella could teach me. And in all the madness I was slowly learning to enjoy the moment – and despite all the hurdles I would still have to encounter, thinking about Ella made me feel warm inside. She didn’t have a new family or a new baby to compete with as I had, but Ella had her own uncertainties – where did she fit in with Dad’s new relationship? I didn’t have any answers for her, and I knew as long as I was with Jon there would be ups and downs with Ella, but perhaps if we stayed together we could create a niche in our relationship for her. And just as importantly, perhaps she and Jon could create one for me, because along with Ella I was a lost girl and always had been. Until now.
Chapter 16
Christmas Gingerbread and Birthday Champagne
On Christmas morning Ella came running into Jon’s room and though initially she looked a little surprised to see me there in his bed, she took it in her stride.
‘Let’s have croissants for breakfast,’ she said and left us to get up.
‘That went surprisingly well,’ I said quietly in Jon’s ear.
He smiled. ‘I think she’s starting to realise that you are as wonderful as I know you are.’
I forced myself to leave him in bed and joined Ella in the kitchen, where we made breakfast together and behaved like we were almost friends. I say ‘friends’ as she didn’t roll her eyes once – which given our history to date was bordering on besties! Jon appeared in the kitchen and made his special hot chocolate (with melted chocolate chunks), and we all spent the morning eating croissants, watching TV and laughing together.
At one point, Jon went to check on the neighbour from the previous evening and it gave me chance to talk to Ella.
‘You’re okay, aren’t you… about me … staying overnight with your dad?’ I asked as we sat together on the sofa. As usual she was on her phone, but she looked up at this.
‘You mean do I mind you and Dad having sex?’
I was a little taken aback. ‘Well, I wasn’t going to put it quite like that.’
‘Ha, well I suppose it’s better than what Mum said the first time she had sex with Paul at our house. “We’re having a sleepover,” she said. I’ll tell you what I told her: it’s gross, and I don’t want to know about old people doing it. Anyway, enough of all that disgusting stuff – we have a surprise for you. Don’t get too excited, it’s a bit crap, but the best we could do given that it’s Christmas Day and we’re snowed in,’ she said, clearly wanting to move on. This was good. I’d been worried about how she’d feel when she saw us together, but it seemed she had taken it in her stride… and I dared to hope it was because she actually liked me.
Then she got up off the sofa, turned down the lights and Jon came into the living-room area carrying half of one of the cakes we’d made on Christmas Eve. They sang ‘Happy Birthday’ and I was urged to make a wish before blowing out the mismatched candles pushed into the icing. The cake was slightly stale, the tree was wonky, and no one (Jon) had thought to buy a turkey, so we ate chocolates and cake – and it was the best Christmas birthday of my life.
By Boxing Day the snow had cleared enough for Jon and Ella to drive me back to the resort, and Jon to then take Ella to her mother’s.
‘Can we go to the kingdom on the way to Jenny’s resort?’ Ella asked.
‘What’s that?’
‘It’s the most beautiful place, Jenny – it’s very special. Only Dad and I know about it, but we can show you. When I was younger, I used to say I was the princess there, but I’m not a baby any more.’
‘You can still be the princess,’ I said. ‘You can be princess of anywhere you like.’
‘Yeah, I can. Dad, please can we show Jenny my kingdom?’
Jon gave me a thank-you glance for not telling Ella I’d already been. She wanted to show me this special place, and I wasn’t taking that from her.
Once outside I couldn’t believe how thick the snow was still. At home we’d have just stayed
in for weeks, but they were used to it here and if Jon said it had stopped snowing, then it had stopped snowing.
‘But that’s a snow elephant, not a car,’ I said, laughing as we emerged into the brilliant white, brittle cold day. The snowfall overnight and through the morning had completely covered it, something Jon and Ella were obviously used to because they ran towards the small hillock of snow and began clearing it – with their hands. I was just imagining how long it would take them to get to the car underneath when he hurled a giant snowball at me.
‘Oh how very childish,’ I said and, throwing myself onto the car, began clearing huge armfuls of snow and flinging them at him and Ella, which provoked squeals of joy and more snowball action from Ella. We ended up wrestling in the snow, me screaming and Jon trying to overpower me to stop me landing a huge snowball in his face like a giant cream pie. Then he started on Ella, who was screaming like something from a horror film. God only knows what the neighbours thought – then again, who cared?
Once he’d grappled the snowball from Ella, I lay exhausted and giggling in the snow while he marched off to get a spade to help free the car from its white blanket.
I lay alone, looking up at the white sky, snowflakes falling thick and heavy on my face, melting on impact and cooling and calming me after the frenzied snowball wrestle. This had been my happiest Christmas, my best birthday and I was looking forward to a future, a different one than perhaps I’d envisaged. Was I really brave enough to come back here and make a life? Only time would tell. I didn’t know what I would do next – and I liked how that felt.
I’d spent my life wanting it all, always worried about time slipping away, about being too late for everything, but in trying so damn hard to capture it, I never achieved it. Time was like another lover, always leaving me behind, making me feel like everything was too late – but here I felt I was in control and was beginning to feel like I knew what I wanted, what would make me happy. And if I came back here, I thought I could make Jon and Ella happy too.
On the way back to the resort we stopped off at ‘Ella’s Kingdom’, and I marvelled again at the glacial beauty, the icy shards hanging like diamonds from the trees and the smooth ceramic blue lake.
‘Yeah well, I guess I don’t mind you seeing it… just don’t tell anyone else. It’s a secret place.’
I caught Jon’s eye and we smiled at each other, and I imagined how we must seem, the three of us together, a sort of family standing in our own perfect little world.
Eventually we dragged ourselves from the wonderful wintery setting and walked away from the greys and silvers and blues and the deep, deep silence. The heater and the engine and the radio all came on at once, and I felt like I was back in my life again, but this time I felt different, better, more accepting. And more accepted.
When I arrived back at the resort, the girls were delighted to see me, and I was touched that they’d waited to share Christmas with me.
‘I know it’s Boxing Day, but we couldn’t have your Christmas birthday without you,’ Jody said, mixing Christmas cocktails, George Michael on full blast.
‘This is great,’ I said, ‘I’m having two Christmas birthdays this year – one with Jon and Ella and now one with the girls!’
I was soon shaken from my thoughts by Jody hurling herself onto the balcony shouting; ‘Iiiit’s Chriiiiistmaaaaaas!’ She was carrying gifts for everyone, and I felt bad as my gifts for her were still in my suitcase, which still hadn’t arrived, but I promised she would get her real gifts when we returned home, or whenever my case turned up. I gave them the little gingerbreads from the village, which they seemed delighted with, and Lola ate hers hungrily, dunking it in her champagne, exclaiming, ‘I’ve never had anything quite so tasty on my tongue.’
‘I bet you have,’ Kate said and rolled her eyes, which made us all laugh.
Jody, who’d already bought me the cow suit, gave me some nice soaps and a lovely candle, and the girls had all clubbed together to give me a beautiful cashmere jumper in the palest pink.
‘This is so beautiful,’ I said, holding it to my cheek. ‘How did you know this is just what I wanted?’
‘You liked my merino-wool jumper the other day, but you said you wouldn’t enjoy wearing it in case you spilled something on it,’ Kate said.
‘So while you were tasting Jon’s gingerbread… and yes, that is a euphemism,’ Lola added, ‘we went shopping. It had to be something to wear, because let’s face it you have a limited wardrobe. So now you have a jumper like Kate’s and you can spill as much coffee as you like on it because it’s all yours.’
Later Jody brought the champagne in an ice bucket into the living room and we ate gingerbread and drank fizz. ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this,’ I sighed. ‘This time last year I was alone in bed, sobbing, with just Mrs Christmas for company.’
‘I know. What a difference a year makes,’ Jody said.
‘Yeah, I’m so glad I’m out of it – I’m so much happier. I just wish I hadn’t left all my crockery at Tim’s. The tosser, he never gave any of it back.’
Jody nodded. ‘Seriously, ladies – get a ring on it and a wedding list written. My friend was down to John Lewis as soon as he said “Will you…” He’d barely got the words out and she was there checking out the fondue sets and the oven to tableware.’
‘My mum says no one should get married without at least one piece of Le Creuset,’ Kate sighed.
‘It doesn’t matter what you ask for, Le Creuset, fine china, whatever, they all last longer than men. Love will die, but a beautiful Versace tea set would keep me warm long after he’d gone. No… better still, get a boob job! If you ever get married, you should make the wedding list a “bride’s boobs” gift and everyone can contribute to your lovely new breasts. Then when it comes to splitting up he can’t get his hands on any of it.’
‘You old romantic,’ I said, laughing. ‘But that’s the trouble with never actually being married. I contributed to that home for ten years and what am I left with? A bloody hostess trolley,’ I sighed.
‘Count yourself lucky. When Darren and I split up, him and his new boyfriend flogged all the furniture and blew the lot on a holiday of a lifetime in Thailand.’
‘I’m sorry, Kate. I knew you were divorced, but I didn’t realise he was gay.’
‘Yeah. He was lovely, but he took me to see Take That for my birthday, and while I was screaming for Jason Orange, he was crying for Gary Barlow. When we split I didn’t even get the dog, because Darren said he would be traumatised without two parents. I told him I was the dog’s mother, and he said I was discriminating against same-sex families – I wasn’t.’
‘Did you ever wonder about Darren, before you found out?’ Lola asked.
‘No… not at the time, but then again, as my mother pointed out at the wedding – for a straight man, he was very involved with the table decorations…’
‘He sewed the bloody crystals on your dress,’ Jody sighed. ‘I didn’t want to say anything but it was a bit of a red flag… You met him in a fashion chat room and your first date was a yoga class.’
‘Well yes, but it was a blind date and I was concerned about safety. There’s never been a serial killer who enjoyed yoga – I did my research.’
’It must have been awful for you, to find out the man you loved was gay,’ I said.
‘He’d been living a lie,’ Jody added.
‘Yes, but I wasn’t going to. When he told me he fancied men, my mother was furious. “Get him drunk and dress up like Antonio Banderas,” she said. “You have to make this marriage work, our Kate… but I said no.”’
‘So what happened about your dog?’ I asked; macabre fascination had kicked in now.
‘Well, I told him that as far as I was concerned, she was my dog and could only ever be Robin’s stepdog… but now we have joint custody.’
Lola was gazing into her phone, probably sexting again.
‘Lola, do you have a dog?’ I asked.
‘I’ve had a
few,’ she muttered absently. I don’t think she meant the furry kind. ‘Jeez, you would not believe what this guy is suggesting… and at Christmas too.’
Apart from the snow and the music and the Glühwein, one of the main reasons that particular Christmas was so special to me was the rediscovery of female friendship. I was getting to know my sister properly, but more than this I had made new friends too. Despite our differences, I was becoming very fond of Kate and Lola. Their hearts were in the right place and they were on my side – they were rooting for me. And being with them made me realise that their kindness and loyalty was a stark contrast to anything Tim had ever shown me.
That night, as we all sat together by the log fire, drinking and chatting, we grew even closer, sharing secrets and stories with each other. I’d learned so much about them, and in doing this I was learning all about myself, discovering who I was and what made me happy. And I had never been happier.
Chapter 17
Under the Stars, on the Piste
It was a few weeks after Christmas and time to leave the resort, and I couldn’t believe the time had flown by so quickly. I also couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. Ella and I were becoming firm friends, and Jon and I were talking seriously about me returning to live there, with him. As much as I adored Jon, I was also glad to be around for Ella, because her mum had recently announced she was pregnant, which had sent Ella into a tailspin. ‘I want to come and live with you and Dad,’ she’d said. ‘It’s all about baby, baby, baby. My mother hates me – she wants the shiny new baby now.’
I’d reassured Ella as much as I could but longed to be here permanently so I could be there for both her and Jon. But our time in Switzerland was limited, and before long we all had to return to our lives back in the UK, and I had some decisions to make about my future. It was a no-brainer: I had to come back here – but I just had to make everything good back home first.
