by Zoe Davis
Until one Thursday. It was the first day since the first email that I received no emails at all. I obsessively checked all day and panicked when five o’clock came around and my inbox was still empty. Did I disappoint him somehow? Maybe he was just busy.
Friday came and again, nothing. Sasha thought it strange he emailed me every day to begin with. She said now things were probably just returning to normal. CEOs have better things to do than email programmers all day. I was lucky for the streak I had.
I knew she was right, but I couldn’t help feeling let down. Where did the silence come from suddenly? My mind was distant enough from the bull and coming down from my new high that the world started to seem empty and plain again. Everything was back to normal. Everything was okay. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was right.
Jared could tell I was becoming more apathetic.
“Are you doing alright, Ness?” he used my nickname.
“I suppose so,” I replied with a shrug. “Do you ever think about that night we had at the swinger’s party?”
“Oh man,” he said, “I almost forgot about it. It pops up every now and then.” Typical Jared. The most unique night we’ve ever had as a couple and he’s already started to forget it. To be fair, I practically forgot about it too.
Sex with Jared hadn’t changed much. He jokingly tried to play the bull one night early on, but we both just ended up laughing. I hid my disappointment in him. Often, when he touched me, I imagined the bull’s touch instead. Or recently, I imagined our CEO, Ethan.
I couldn’t remember what Ethan looked like. I saw him once or twice when I first started, passing in the halls, but I was too nervous to look at him too long since I was new. I imagined he was strong like the bull, but tender like Jared.
How would Jared feel about me thinking of someone else? I often questioned. I felt bad about it at first, but it became so second nature that I stopped thinking of it as wrong. It seemed natural to imagine someone else when with my husband.
The entire weekend passed with me sulking about my lack of praise, but my apathy faded by the end of Sunday. Come Monday, I was ready for normal. Except it was anything but.
I coded through the morning and almost missed lunch. I turned to the right of my L-shaped desk and pulled out my cooler. I packed a whole wheat sandwich and an apple, a similar take on my childhood school lunches.
I decided to check my emails while I ate since I had forgotten about them all day. I almost choked when I saw one from Ethan. I was furious and excited at the same time.
How could he wait so long? Why email now when I’ve finally moved on? Then I remembered he may have just been busy. He may have been thinking about me all along. It read:
Mrs. Banks,
Please create a thorough analysis of your latest venture to give at next week’s board meeting. You will be in charge of presenting it to the board.
Regards,
E.M. Sloane
I replayed his words in my mind in a jumble. I tried to make sense of them but failed miserably time and time again. You will be in charge of presenting it to the board. Why me? I was just a programmer. My nerves flared up at the thought of standing in front of a room full of important figure heads, one of them being Ethan Sloane.
How could he expect this of me? There had to be some mistake. I rushed to my boss for a second opinion. Certainly this was meant for someone from our marketing team instead. Not me…
5
“It’s very strange indeed,” said Logan, my immediate boss. I hated interacting with any of the heads above me. I mostly tried to keep to myself and stay out of trouble.
Logan looked me up and down as if that would lead him to the answer.
“I don’t know, ‘Ness. Mr. Sloane wants what he wants. It’s obviously addressed to you.” That’s what I was afraid of. It was addressed to me. Now I was going to have to prepare an analysis of our current project and present it to a group of strangers.
My boss wished me good luck and sent me on my way. I tried to comfort myself with the reminder that I landed this position in the first place. Obviously they saw something in me, right? You can do this. I cheered myself on, trying to outsmart my nerves.
At home Jared was calm as ever at the dinner table. He talked about work as an accountant and despite both our jobs being information based, I still had no clue what he did half of the time. But then again I suppose he felt the same toward me.
He often told jokes about his coworkers, but I rarely got them. Still, I learned how to force out a chuckle at the right time. What I loved most about Jared was the time we spent together, not the time apart. I suppose I had no interest in his life away from me.
That night I must have been late on the chuckle or too distant because Jared asked me if everything was okay. I wonder if he could see the creases forming in my fingers again.
“What? Yeah. Everything is great.” I lied.
“I noticed you’ve been a little off since that party, but it seemed like it was getting better,” he guessed.
I looked at him in the most apologetic way I could. It wasn’t the party. Not now. It was this damned project. The swinger’s party felt so far away from me and I was grateful for it.
“No. It’s not the party. It’s this thing at work,” I admitted.
“Is everything still going alright? You were getting a lot of praise for a while there weren’t you?” He had such a damn good memory when it came to my petty work details and I was so horrible at listening to his.
“Well, now I’m expected to present an analysis and time line of our project to the board. Our CEO will be there too.”
“Honey, that’s great news! You have nothing to be nervous over. You’ll impress the pants off ‘em.” He tried to comfort me but he wasn’t very good at it.
“I guess it’s just weird that I haven’t even seen the CEO before. I mean not outside of a few glimpses in the hall shortly after I was hired.” The words left my mouth but I was caught in disbelief. Maybe it was Ethan who was making me nervous. Was I worried about living up to his expectations?
“My guess is you’ll be fine,” smiled Jared. He reached under the table for one of my sore hands resting in my lap. He massaged it like he did the night before the swinger’s party and I felt myself start to relax.
He continued, “Why don’t I draw you up a bath and you can soak until you’re ready for sleep?” He was always so considerate. He was always careful with me.
Despite having a long, hot bath, I couldn’t sleep that night. I laid in bed tossing and turning, almost drifting off until I was bolted awake by the thought of my presentation. It wasn’t for another week but I was already restless and panicked. When I finally got some shut eye I had vivid, terrifying dreams about the bull.
I actually grew grateful of this project over the next week, if only so it kept my mind off the bull. I don’t know why I started dreaming about him or even thinking about him but I ran as far as I could from my thoughts. The project actually seemed effortless compared to my attempts at sleep.
Maybe it was that my sense of reality was blurred, but I started to actually feel good about this presentation. I didn’t need to see Ethan Sloane before sharing one of the biggest projects of my life. I didn’t need to have done this before. I worked diligently through the next week to flesh out all of the details and prepare comprehensive notes, and come Wednesday morning I would be ready to impress every single chair of that board.
The night before the board meeting I didn’t sleep. I rode the wave of restlessness and let my nervous energy carry me into that building the next morning. I wanted to be quick and sharp, and I didn’t want to risk being groggy from just waking up.
I marched into the front doors with a double espresso like I owned the place, and that’s just the part I was going to play in that meeting. I walked to my desk one last time and watched the clock on the wall tick toward 8:00.
7:57, 7:58, 7:59
All eyes were on me to make the first move. The tension at the desks aro
und me was thick but I didn’t let it get to me. They could all be nervous for me because I was too out of it to notice. The words of my presentation circled my head, spinning me into a sort of high that would feed me until the end of that presentation.
8:00
I stood up and walked toward the board room upstairs, and I could feel the piercing gazes of everyone I left behind.
The hallway was dim in the stairwell and I was enchanted in my dizziness by the echo of my heels against the walls. I walked to the sound of my heart thudding in my chest. When I reached the main hall to the board room I could feel my heart swelling with anticipation until I thought it might burst. I even had the thought that I might die from this.
I reached the board room door, turned the handle, and pulled it open to find a room of eager young men sitting around a long oval table. Behind them was a window that ran from floor to ceiling, framing the most spectacular view of the city. I was lost for a moment before a man’s voice snapped me out of it.
“Vanessa Banks?” I looked to my left to see a tall, handsome man with his eyes locked on me. I immediately guess it was Ethan Sloane and proceeded to the front of the room.
I could feel the heat of their eyes on me, their expectations. I used the fear and dread to my advantage. I used the passion to keep them hanging on my every word. Even on no sleep, I managed to keep everything in order, and give a brilliant performance. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but they seemed to be buying it.
I watched Ethan as I spoke, and he seemed to be taking it all in, including my body. I caught him looking at my tits a few times and my ass when I’d bend over for another worksheet. Each time I’d glance back at him, he’d send me a smile with a nod of approval.
If he wasn’t the most powerful CEO in the city, I might have felt more uncomfortable, but I could feel an excitement build at the thought of being one of Ethan’s many lays. What a story that would be!
I wrapped up my presentation with a few questions from the board members and I passed with flying colors. When I was finished, they all stood up and shook my hand, commending me on the great work my team was doing. They really seemed to believe in this project and I felt higher than ever.
When all the board members left, it was just me and Ethan. I started to pack up my things when he moved closer to me. He was far enough away that he wouldn’t look suspicious to any passersby, but he was close enough that I could feel the heat off his body.
“That was a great presentation you did there, Ms. Banks,” he said.
“Oh, it’s Mrs.” I could’ve kicked myself for saying that.
“Oh, you’re married, then?” He sounded disappointed but not defeated.
“Yes I am, happily so,” I replied, avoiding eye contact.
“Well if you ever need some more excitement in your life, here’s my number,” and he slipped me his business card face down with his cell number written on the back.
I lifted my head to see his eyes, and my attraction for him took a nosedive. Sure he might have been a rich CEO, but the slimy look on his face made my stomach churn. I forced a chuckle like I learned to do at home and said, “Will do,” and he finally left.
Standing there alone in the board room, I turned to face the window behind me. I felt strong and powerful and almost disappointed that the meeting was over.
---
At lunch I visited the cafeteria just to brag to Sasha about getting the CEO’s personal number. I probably shouldn’t have but I couldn’t help myself. Even if that look on his face disgusted me, it was a pretty impressive feat to have landed his number.
“Oh that’s wild!” she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she pressed me for more details.
“It was nice to finally get a look at him that’s for sure,” I mentioned after wrapping up my story.
“So was he attractive up close? I’ve only ever seen him far away,” she asked.
“He was attractive but a little slimy. Though I guess you would have to be as a CEO of a company this big.” Sasha nodded, still in amazement.
Feeling confident in my intellect and my looks, I headed back to my desk with a grin spread from cheek to cheek. The others must have noticed because no one bothered to ask me how the presentation went. They just tossed a silent thumbs up to me as I walked past.
As usual, once returning to my desk I checked my email and was shocked to see something from Mr. Sloane already. He must really be into me, I thought, but when I opened it up I was horrified.
Mrs. Banks,
I’m thoroughly disappointed in the presentation you gave today. I expected so much more of you and this project and I have to say it needs some serious revisions. You have two days to come up with a more compelling solution. Come to my office Friday morning for a one on one review.
E.M. Sloane
My blood boiled. How could he send this! I gave a presentation that impressed every member of that board and he even had the nerve to hit on me after. I quickly took out the business card with his number on it with the mind to tear it to shreds, but when I saw the name on the front I went cold.
Jason Roberts
That wasn’t Ethan who hit on me. I wasn’t even sure which one of them members he was. Come to think of it, they all introduced themselves and none of them admitted to being the mysterious CEO. Was he even at the meeting? How could he have known how it went if he didn’t even show?
I was embarrassed and furious. How could I have thought a powerful CEO would have been interested in me, a nervous, bookish programmer? I could feel my ego crashing to the floor, bringing all of my confidence with it.
Then I came back to the task at hand. I was going to be reviewed one on one with him Friday morning. I could potentially lose my job over this if he ended up being as crazy and eccentric as the rumors I heard about him. I had to prepare. I had to learn more.
Immediately I found Sasha’s office to gather more information. I reluctantly confessed that he wasn’t the man who hit on me after my presentation, and that he was displeased with a performance he didn’t even see me give.
“Maybe he was recording it or something,” she suggested. The idea of him watching me without knowing it really freaked me out.
“God I hope not,” I said. “So what do you think I could expect from him? Has anyone else survived this kind of meeting before?”
“Hmm, I can’t say I know anyone who has been reviewed by him before like this,” she said. “Definitely not after just giving some board presentation. You must have really affected him.”
“Great,” I said.
“I wouldn’t worry about it. Apparently he switches off like a light. That’s what he did with his wife anyway. He’ll probably love you by the time Friday rolls around.”
“What do you mean, with his wife?” I was more than curious about his personal life.
“Oh you haven’t heard?” she gasped at my ignorance. “His wife was murdered a few years ago and he was the main suspect.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. “How did he get off?” I asked, puzzled.
“Well you know the rich types; they get away with anything it seems.” Sasha nodded approvingly at her own conclusion. All of this information was making my head spin. Was I really about to have a one on one meeting with a mysterious CEO that secretly watched my presentation and possibly killed his own wife? The adrenaline pulsing through my veins reminded me of my nightmares about the bull, and I suddenly wished that nightmares were my only problem.
6
That night at dinner I was so nervous I dropped a dish on the kitchen floor. My hands just wouldn’t stop shaking.
“Ness, why don’t you take a seat, I’ll do the dishes,” said Jared. I hesitated but eventually let him take over. I had told Jared all about the presentation and the email over dinner, but I left out the part about his wife. As far as Jared knew, I was far more nervous than I should be, and maybe he was right. I mean obviously Mr. Sloane isn’t going to murder me in his company’s office. But I s
uppose not having a face to match these rumors made it all the worse for my imagination. I just kept picturing the bull.
Jared tried making love to me several times over the past week but I couldn’t get myself in the mood. Between the stress of the presentation and obsessing over Ethan Sloane, I could hardly feel my own body. I felt incredibly guilty for not being there for Jared and even considered leaving my position at the company. I couldn’t let my personal life be affected so much by my work, even if it did give me a euphoric sense of purpose.
The fear and the drive were what pushed me to do my best, though, and I knew it deep down. I was a great worker because I took direction well and I aimed to please. Succeeding was an addiction for me and failure was just a temporary obstacle to overcome, and so was this review with Ethan. I was terrified but preparing for a brutal beating and possibly losing my job. If I was fired, I’d at least have my life back, even if it meant sacrificing what really made me happy.
