by Zoe Davis
He looked amazed, at me or himself I wasn’t quite sure. The look in his eyes was no longer dangerous, but longing. I read his thoughts and gave my head a nod.
He beamed a smile that could rival the sun’s rays and reached for his buckle, removing his belt. Next he unbuttoned his collared shirt, exposing chiseled abs and a chest that could crush me in one blow. He stood fearlessly beside the glass, removed his pants and let a coiled snake free.
His cock glistened in the sunlight and it may have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. He kneeled between my legs and rested the base of it against my drenched slit. I was still reeling from orgasm and felt my lips pulse against his skin. He seemed to be enjoying it.
He wrapped his forearms around my thighs and slid my hips closer as he maneuvered his thick head to my swollen hole. He pushed against my pillowed walls and sent ripples through my torso. I had to clamp my eyes shut from the pressure building, but I watched him through the cracks.
I felt him quiver through the inside of my thighs. He pushed the length of it all the way in, and my fingers searched for something to clench, finding nothing. He must’ve seen because he laced his fingers into mine and they took a beating. He used my grip to his advantage, keeping me from sliding off his cock as he pumped in and out of me.
As he thrust faster, I heard a series of groans escape him and a whimper escape me, but his deep voice soothed me while his cock nearly ruined me.
He couldn’t last much longer and leaned over me, horizontal, our hips one on top of the other. His clenched jaw and wide eyes hovered just above mine and the smell of his sweat invaded my nostrils. It was surprisingly sweet and I soaked it in.
He moved his elbows past my shoulders to hold me in place. His fists dug into the floor and he pounded me quick and rough. His joints stiffened and I could tell he was close. I clasped a fist of his hair in one hand and his bicep in the other to brace for his violent eruption.
His tide crashed into me and pushed me past the edge of the world, a horizon I couldn’t re-cross. Even though I was married, I was now Ethan’s for better or for worse.
I expected him to collapse, out of breath, but he held himself up on his elbows and bowed his head. He didn’t look at me until I reached for his chin and lifted it to me. His eyes were no longer a risky lake dive at midnight. They were a whole ocean against a violent and flickering sunset. He appeared more beautiful and dangerous than ever, and I was drowning in him.
I knew in that moment he could do anything to me and I wouldn’t put up a fight. I thought about his deceased wife and my loving husband. I sent Jared a telepathic farewell in case I was nearing my last breath.
Ethan leapt off me and grabbed his slacks and belt.
“Get dressed.” He said this more like a CEO than a lover. He tossed me my blouse and panties and I guided them on over my curves.
I stood up, brushed myself off, and moved toward Ethan who was now staring into the heart off the city. I didn’t dare touch him, but instead opted to stand beside him and watch the clouds speed past the sun, casting shadow over the tiny people below.
Time had returned and my heart beat slowed to a normal pace. I wanted the silence in that moment to last forever, and I never wanted to leave Ethan’s side, but a questioned burned in my mind and I stupidly released it.
“I know I’m not one to talk but,” I hesitated when I saw his jaw shift from side to side. “are you married?” This was the only way I could think of to breach this topic of discussion. I had to hear his side of the story, if he’d give it to me.
He tensed and lowered his head. “No,” was all he said before walking back to his desk. When he was comfortably sitting in his chair with his feet raised on the table, he added, “she was murdered.”
I was uncomfortably pleased that he brought up the murder. I expressed sympathy and pressed on. “What happened?” I asked.
His eyes flew at me like daggers and split my heart in two. He was no longer the soft man between my legs in the warm sun. He was a shark that smelled the blood of my intentions and was ready for attack.
“I killed her,” he admitted, building up a wall between us. He could tell I wasn’t surprised at the news, but he had expected that.
“I don’t believe that,” I told him, only half believing my own words.
“Yes you do. That’s why you brought it up.”
My heart reprimanded me for bringing it up. The clouds in the sky were piling onto each other and creating a thick barricade between the city and the sun. The yellow afternoon light faded to green fluorescents. My arms were covered in tiny bumps and a chill moved through my veins.
“Ethan,” I started but I couldn’t find the words. I wanted to apologize and beg forgiveness. I wanted to be next to him, watching the city below. I wanted his head on my chest, whispering to him, everything’s okay.
“Would it even matter if I said I didn’t do it?” He stood abruptly from his seat. “You’re just like the rest of them.”
“I didn’t mean-“ I tried but he cut me off with a loud roar.
“Get out!” he screamed, shaking every bone in my body. Without realizing it I was running out of his office and down the narrow hall. I could feel it closing in on me and my breath was harder and harder to catch.
I ran past coworkers with tears streaming down my cheeks. It felt like my heart had been ripped to shreds by a pack of wolves, and before I made it out of the building, I felt my knees and hands crashing to the floor.
The world was shattered glass and I was bleeding from every limb. I didn’t bother trying to see past the rivers in my eyes, and I couldn’t hear beyond my sobs. I must have looked like I was having a nervous breakdown.
In a matter of minutes I had a small crowd by my side on the floor, rubbing my back and Sasha brought me a paper bag to breathe into. No one asked what was wrong and I was grateful to them for it.
I collapsed in Sasha’s arms and laid my head on her shoulder. I cried everything out of me until I was running on empty. My arms hung limp by her side and she told me she would drive me home.
I sat in the passenger’s seat of Sasha’s car and watched the rain smack against her windshield. I felt like a machine that was shut down. All thoughts and feelings had left me and were scattered somewhere in the storm outside. I never thanked her for the ride but she knew I was grateful.
I stared at the modest house I shared with Jared and slammed the car door shut. She didn’t drive off immediately, though I wished she had. I stood in the rain until my hair and clothes were soaked, until the smell of Ethan Sloane was washed from me.
8
I didn’t get out of bed the next day. I called in sick and it was only partly a lie. Jared had left for work while I slept and I woke up to an empty house, the silence crushing me. I couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan but at least I was through crying. My chest ached and my stomach became a void, but at least I wasn’t crying.
I switched between sleeping and staring at the sunlight on the walls until Jared came home. He said he’d try to get off early and kept his promise. I heard his car door slam and remembered mine was still at the office. I wished I could teleport it home so I wouldn’t have to set foot on those grounds again. I sat up for the first time all day waiting for Jared to comfort me.
He brought me soup but I couldn’t eat. He climbed into bed and put his arms around me. I sobbed into them and he didn’t ask questions. Still I couldn’t allow myself to keep this a secret from him. I controlled my quivering and confessed everything.
Jared didn’t flinch at the news. I was almost convinced he didn’t hear it. His hand rubbed my shoulder as I professed my heartbreak for a man other than him. The more I spoke, the guiltier I felt. It swelled in me, filling my throat and choking my words.
“I’m sorry,” I added finally. Jared leaned over and kissed my forehead, still silent. His calm made me nervous and I noticed he wasn’t looking at me. I was terrified I’d lose the only other man I loved.
“I don’t mind,” he admitted. “And I understand. I guess that swinger’s party wasn’t the best idea of mine. I’m sorry for dragging you into all of this.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. Was he actually apologizing to me? I told him he was crazy, that he had nothing to apologize for, and then we returned to silence. We stayed that way until dusk turned to night and the street lamps trickled in through our windows.
---
A week went by with my car still in the parking lot and me staying home. I stopped calling in after the first few days and even considered quitting. Jared told me to think it through the weekend to be sure, but I couldn’t fathom how I would go back. It wasn’t as if Ethan had bothered to contact me either. As far as I knew he was glad I left, and that’s just what I told myself.
I spent the week catching up on chores around the house, trying to return to something normal. The days passed effortlessly and time sped up the longer I was home. I didn’t bother bathing since I was trying to forget my body even existed. I became nothing more than a thought, a broken spirit haunting my old routine.
I was content in my emptiness until Thursday of that week. I logged into our home computer to see Jared’s email left open, displaying a second invitation to one of Ethan’s parties. The address burned a hole through me. I still remembered that night vividly.
I knew why Jared hadn’t told me about the invitation. I knew he wanted to protect me, so I did him the courtesy of pretending I never saw it. Unfortunately my mind wouldn’t do the same for me.
That night in a restless sleep I dreamed of Ethan Sloane. We were in an arena surrounded by spectators cheering and I was in a satin red dress that flowed around me like waves. I was alone for a time, soaking in the attention from the crowd, wondering what I did to deserve their praise.
The sun beat down on me and beads of sweat formed on my neck and chest, but the warmth was comforting. Then I heard huffing and stomping across from me. I turned my head in its direction and saw a bull ready to charge. I was the target of a bullfight.
No matter how hard I tried my feet were planted in the sand. I watched in slow motion as the bull leapt toward me, almost graceful in his aggression. I closed my eyes and waited for the tearing of my flesh, surrendering to my death. When nothing came I opened them again.
There before me was the bull, dead, with an arrow through him. I searched the arena for a sign of my savior to see Ethan Sloane to my right with a bow in his hand. I made a run toward him but he turned and disappeared before I could reach him.
I woke up drenched in sweat and with the return of my heartbreak. I couldn’t tell you what the dream meant, but it felt like falling from a great height, and I was left broken on the ground below.
The next morning I received a phone call from my immediate superior. I was to show up Monday or risk losing my position.
“To be honest, I’m not sure I’m coming back,” I replied.
“Vanessa, you don’t want to lose an opportunity like this,” he said. “Clear your head over the weekend and come back fresh on Monday. Besides, we definitely need you on our team.” His compliment didn’t sway me like he thought it would, but my dream was beginning to.
I hung up the phone and sat idly at the kitchen table. I fell into a daze that extended beyond the kitchen window, past the neighborhood streets and the city limits. I wandered back into Ethan’s arms and sighed relief.
That afternoon I received an email from Ethan:
“See you Monday, Mrs. Banks,” is all it said.
I felt a coldness building in response to his curt message. That’s all he could say to me? I was furious. I picked up the phone and dialed his office so fast my head was spinning.
His receptionist answered and said he was in a meeting. I had her take a message and obsessively watched my phone the rest of the evening. He didn’t bother calling back.
My blood was boiling by the time Jared came home and I couldn’t decide whether I should tell him or not. I foolishly kept it hidden and it exploded in an attack against him later.
“You want to go back to that place don’t you?” I accused him.
“What place, Vanessa?”
“Ethan’s swinger party, I saw your invitation.” I crossed my arms but couldn’t look at him.
“Am I not supposed to open any invitations? I just gave it a once over and decided against mentioning it. I knew you wouldn’t be up for it, but I’m sorry you saw it.”
“Well if you want to go so badly, let’s go then.” I knew this wasn’t about him but about me. I was trying to see Ethan again and couldn’t wait through the weekend. I was also unable to admit this to Jared.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he whispered. He moved toward me and placed his hands on my shoulders, “you’ve been through so much and were finally starting to get better.”
I could feel tears clouding my eyes as I looked at him. He held me close and his clean smell filled my nose making me nostalgic for Ethan’s woodsy scent.
I almost gave up when I remembered I was still without my car. I knew I had to confess my intentions to Jared, and convincing him I’d be okay was going to be a challenge.
“I have to see him,” I admitted shamefully. “It’s eating me alive.”
I expected him to put up a fight, either to protect me or to possess me, but he just replied with, “okay.” I kicked myself for putting him through this and for not being able to move on. I was bruised by my own thoughts and fought sleep again all Friday night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my dream bull, charging at me, then laying dead. I saw Ethan walking out on me.
I bathed for the first time that week and it felt like a rebirth. I watched ripples diffuse through the water where I laid my hands and let the patterns take the shape of my reality. I was swimming in uncertainty and trying not to drown.
Jared’s car hummed pleasantly along. The sound of the engine wrapped around me like a shawl and I sank into the realization that I was actually going to see Ethan again. I was too tired to be nervous and I contemplated what I would say. I didn’t have any fucking idea.
I wanted to break the silence between me and Jared but nothing I thought of was fitting. I wanted to crack a joke to let him know this wouldn’t be a big deal, that I wasn’t about to completely lose my mind, even if I totally was. But I looked over at him a few times and he just stared blankly ahead at the road in front of him.
I wondered if he was breaking down, if he feared losing me. I had no plans to leave him, but I had no plans at all so far. I just flew down that country road in the dark, wearing a deep blue dress for Ethan, and everything, the trees and the AC, were stirring around me.
Jared’s hands seemed tense around the steering wheel and his composure rattled me into worry. I felt selfish and cruel. I comforted myself by one thought. If he was truly upset, he’d say something. But I had quickly forgotten his nature. He was always cool under pressure.
In a matter of seconds the car slammed forward to a halt, and my seatbelt dug into my chest. I looked up to see the damage and was caught in the gaze of a wild deer. She was frozen in our headlights and her eyes held a universe worth of stars, sparkling back at me. Her tiny nose wrinkled trying to figure us out without being noticed.
She was absolutely beautiful in the spotlight with legs that stretched for miles and thick brown fur. When she ran off into the woods I finally caught my breath. I stared in the direction of her trail, oblivious to how much time had passed.
My gaze was broken by the sound of sobbing next to me. Jared was crying for the first time since I’ve known him. I reached my hand to his shoulder but he shrugged it off and got out of the car.
I was taken aback and wasn’t sure what my next course of action should be. I decided to chase him against my better judgement. I didn’t bother closing the door when I got out, and watched winged insects fly in and out of the car.
I found him on the side of the road with his arms crossed, kicking the dirt below. He was no longer crying
but was focused on his feet.
“Jared-“ I began, but wasn’t sure where to go, so we stood aimlessly in silence, aglow from our own headlights. I looked down the road in front of us and my mind flashed back to that first night. I thought of his cool excitement and remembered the creases on my fingers. I finally found the words.
“Jared. I know this was supposed to be an adventure. We were supposed to open ourselves up to flings and meaningless sex. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love, or get my heart broken.”
Like a stubborn child he continued kicking rocks while I poured my heart out. Our car dropped to a low humming from the idleness and I continued.
“I feel foolish, actually, caring so much about something that was supposed to be meaningless. I thought my love for you would keep me at a distance, but I’ve found so much more than I anticipated. My heart is so vulnerable and open, but I’m learning just how full it can become.” The wind picked up as I finished and stirred grounded leaves into the air toward the stars.
