Midsummer - A Bubba the Monster Hunter Novella

by Hartness,John G.

  “What can I do for you, Mister Lieutenant?” I asked, keeping my voice overly mild. I was being irritating as hell, and I knew it. And I could see in his eyes that PlumeHead knew I knew it, and he knew I was doing it on purpose, but there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. It was kinda great.

  “You were seen fleeing the castle yesterday with six prisoners in tow. Where are they?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

  “What?” His mustache started to quiver like his plume. I was starting to be afraid he was going to vibrate apart, but figured the comedy would be worth the mess.

  “I’ve never been to a castle. I’ve lived here in Lamoranth my whole life. So I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I looked him straight in the eye as I lied to him. It’s a trick I learned in tenth grade, in Ms. Ferguson’s biology class. Whenever she asked me what happened to all the frogs for dissection, I gave her the same blank stare and denial. It was years before I learned that most fried frog legs didn’t have a formaldehyde aftertaste. They’re a lot less chewy when they aren’t embalmed, too.

  “There were dozens of witnesses who saw you. Why are you lying?” He waggled his finger in my face, and I resisted the urge to snap it off and shove it in one ear and out the other.

  Instead, I dug around in my left nostril with my pinky finger, found a big green hanger, and delicately deposited it on the tip of his wagging finger. He turned the finger back toward himself, and I reached out and smacked the back of his hand. His hand jerked forward, planting my huge booger right on the tip of his pointy little nose.

  “Oops,” I said. “Hey, you’ve got a little something on your nose. Do you need a hanky?”

  He yelled at the other guards. “Search everything! Start with that wagon! You,” he waved at the guard not carrying a bow, “find that fat beer merchant and interrogate him. Don’t bother being gentle.” PlumeHead reached for his sword, so I shoved him backward. He toppled out of his saddle and landed flat on his back. All the air rushed out of him in a whoosh, and he lay on his back in the dirt, wiggling his arms and legs like a turtle in a stupid hat.

  I hopped down off the table and walked toward the nearest guard, who was off his horse and walking toward the nearest house. This was the one PlumeHead had sent after Oakroot, and I really didn’t want anything to happen to the old dude just for helping me out. I might have stepped on PlumeHead’s belly as I went past, further stomping him into the dirt and maybe mashing his breastplate a little flat.

  “You should stop, pal,” I said. The guard turned around a lot more nimbly than any dude in full armor should be able to, but he was a fairy, so there was friggin’ magic involved.

  I hate magic. Not a particularly helpful thought when you’re standing in the middle of a fairy village with a fairy soldier drawing down on you in damn Fairyland, but that’s where I was. He pulled his sword, I pulled Bertha, and I could see one of the archers turn to me with his bow drawn back. Things did not look good for our hero.

  “ENOUGH!” Oakroot’s voice cut through the air like a cannon shot. I turned to the sound, keeping the gun trained on the guy with the sword in front of me. Until I saw Oakroot, or at least I saw the fairy standing there in Oakroot’s clothes, holding a white beard and wig in one hand.

  “This has gone far enough. It was amusing for a time, but I will not risk injury or death to my guardsmen over a mere wager. Put away your weapons, all of you.”

  A wager? Like a bet? What the... My confusion didn’t lessen an ounce when all of the soldiers sheathed their swords, dropped their bows, and knelt to the man who was apparently masquerading as Oakroot the Brewer. PlumeHead didn’t kneel, though. He actually got up, took the helmet off, and peeled his face off, like Cameron Diaz in that godawful Charlie’s Angels movie when she peeled off the LL Cool J face mid-skydive. Never mind, it was a terrible movie. Regardless, PlumeHead peeled his face off, and Puck stood there grinning at me like a teenage boy who’d just touched his first boob.

  I looked from the soldiers to “Oakroot” to Puck, then back to “Oakroot,” then back to the soldiers, then back to Puck again. I did this a few times, but all I did was get a little dizzy. It didn’t make anything make any more sense.

  “What in the holy shit is going on here?” I asked. I looked at “Oakroot.” “I reckon you’re important, so I probably shouldn’t shoot you. But I don’t think that applies to you, shithead.” I swung Bertha over to Puck and pointed the barrel of the big pistol at him.

  “Oh, be serious, human,” Puck said, not the least bit nervous, or at least hiding it really well. “You could barely react well enough to shoot me when you’re well, much less with your off hand. Put that toy away, and I’ll tell you about our little game.”

  “Game?” I asked. “GAME?!? Okay, Goodfellow, I’m going to listen, but if I don’t like what I hear, I’m going to start punching you, and I’m not going to stop until my hand hurts. Then I’m going to stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.”

  Puck just looked at me. “Of course you will, human. If thinking that makes you feel better, go right ahead. But you should probably sit down. And you can bring the girls out of wherever you’ve hidden them. They’re in no danger. They never were, actually.”

  I sat on the picnic table. “Come on out, girls. This is the asshole who sent me to rescue you. Well, he didn’t send me to rescue you. He sent me to rescue his girlfriend, some fairy chick who was supposed to be in the dungeon with you. But since you’re all humans, I guess he had bad information.”

  “Well, actually...” The girl I knew as Allyson stepped forward. “I’m sorry, but I may have deceived you a bit.” She reached under her chin and pulled off her face. In a cloud of sparkles, the diminutive redhead teenager disappeared to be replaced by a gorgeous brunette fairy woman with cascading curls, a smattering of glittering freckles, and a sheepish smile.

  “My name is not Allyson,” she said. “I am Princess Alethea, and I am—”

  “My one true love,” Puck said, dropping to one knee in front of the beautiful fairy. I didn’t blame him. She was stunning, with a smile that could melt granite.

  I looked around, then tugged on my beard, just to make sure. “Okay, I can’t pull my face off. Can anybody else, or are we all who we say we are? And are we all the right species?”

  Everyone laughed, then the whole group fell silent again as a glowing portal opened in the air beside “Oakroot,” and Titania, the Queen of the Summerlands, stepped out.

  Shit. I’m about to get my ass kicked by the Queen of the Fairies. I just hope she turns me into a good-looking frog.

  Chapter 18

  The whole clearing fell silent as Titania looked around us, her royalty and gravitas settling on the day like a cloud. Everyone in the village joined Puck on the ground, dropping to one knee at the Queen of the Fae. Except me. I was grumpy, and I didn’t feel like kneeling. Besides, if she was gonna turn me into a frog, she could damn well do it while I was standing up.

  She walked over to me. Glided would have been a better word, since I never saw her feet actually touch the ground. But with the way the front of her gown was cut, I honestly didn’t look at her feet that much. Or her face. Frankly, all my attention was focused somewhere between her bellybutton and her collarbone. There was a really pretty necklace there. I think.

  “You don’t kneel before your queen, human?” she asked, and I looked up. There was a smile on her face, but it didn’t even get into the same zip code as her eyes. She wasn’t amused, and I couldn’t tell if she was pissed that I didn’t kneel or pissed that I stared at her boobs. Probably didn’t matter if I was going to spend the rest of my days sitting on a lily pad eating flies.

  Screw it, it’s not like I can get in any more trouble. “I don’t have a queen. I don’t think we were ever properly introduced. My name is Robert Brabham, but everybody calls me Bubba. I hunt monsters, and I put bullets in ‘em. You might remember that from what happened with your asshole cous
in.” I held out my hand.

  She didn’t shake; she just stared at me. Then she laughed. And it was a real laugh, not like the smile she wore up until that second. This was a head back, belly shaking, come from the toenails laugh, and it made me feel like there was at least a three percent chance I wasn’t about to be an amphibian.

  When she stopped laughing, she reached out and shook my hand. “I like you, Bubba the Monster Hunter. You are brave. A little stupid, but very, very brave.”

  “I’ll take that, Your Majesty. I’ve sure been called worse. Now can you tell me what the hell is going on here? Oakroot over there said something about a wager?”

  “Oakroot? Oakroot the Brewmaster? I haven’t seen that old codger in a century! How is he?” Titania asked.

  “Why don’t you ask him? He’s standing right there. Or at least some dude is standing there that was wearing Oakroot’s face until a couple minutes ago.” I pointed to the imposter brewer, who I then noticed also wasn’t kneeling.

  “Darling,” he nodded to Titania.

  “Hello, dear,” she replied, and Queen of the Summerlands or not, her voice got real damn frosty. She turned back to me. “Bubba, this is not Oakroot.”

  “I figured that out about two seconds after he peeled his face off,” I said. “I’m human, not stupid.”

  “The two are not mutually exclusive, Bubba.”

  “Fair enough,” I agreed. I mean, she’s right. I’ve got C-Span. I know what kind of stupid humans can get up to. “But who is he?”

  “Please allow me to introduce myself,” the tall fairy said, stepping forward to stand beside Titania. He was dark to her light, all dark hair and trim beard with high cheekbones and brown eyes. He was thickly muscled and moved like a big cat, power poised to spring. This was not a guy I wanted to face in combat, no matter how many guns I had on me. If I had to take him out, I’d want to use something effective. Like a jet. Or half a dozen Navy Seals. Or two Marines. Something like that.

  “Are you a man of wealth and taste?” I quipped. Blank stares all around. Note to self—teenage girls don’t get Jaws references, and fairy monarchs don’t get Rolling Stones references. I hope I never need to remember that.

  “Excuse me?” he asked, a puzzled expression breaking the planes of his perfect face. He didn’t even have an eyebrow hair out of place after wearing another dude’s face for several days. I hate magic.

  “Never mind, a silly joke,” I said. Not worth it to try and explain rock n’ roll to extra-dimensional beings. I’ve tried before. Never works.

  “I am Oberon, King of the Summerlands and husband to Titania.”

  Shit. “Shit.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Sorry. Just surprised is all. So you’re the king of the fairies, and you’ve been pretending to be Oakroot for the past few days?”

  Oberon blushed a little. “Yes.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  Titania smiled, and it was like the sun broke through the clouds. It’s a good thing there were no cliffs nearby because if she’d said “jump,” I’d have been halfway to the ground before I realized it was a bad idea. “He was cheating,” she said, giving Oberon a nasty little grin.

  “Cheating? Cheating at what?” I hadn’t been that confused since eighth-grade algebra. And this time I didn’t have Skeeter around to explain shit for me.

  “We had a wager,” Titania started. “Oberon and I made a wager on the security of my city and my dungeon. I bet him that no one could escape from my dungeons and get out of the city without being recaptured or killed, and he took the bet. We chose the greatest trickster and escape artist in all the Known Worlds to make the attempt, and promised not to intervene.”

  “And that trickster happens to be one Robin Goodfellow,” I said, pointing at Puck. He stood and made a florid bow, complete with a doff of his imaginary hat.

  “To encourage Puck’s participation, we gave him a little incentive,” Titania continued.

  “You threw the woman he loves into the dungeon, then told him to break her out.”

  “We told him that if he could rescue her, they could wed,” Oberon chimed in. Titania shot him a dirty look, and he shut right up.

  “We gave Puck no guidance in how to perform his task and provided no assistance,” Titania said. “Or at least we claimed to provide no assistance. Some of us seem to have forgotten that part of the agreement.”

  “Well, actually...” I started, but shut my mouth when Titania glared at me.

  “No, go on, Bubba. How can you justify my husband’s cheating?”

  “He only helped me get to and from the city,” I said. “Once we got to the gates, I was on my own. And we broke out on our own, unless Oberon was masquerading as a tavern owner?” I looked at the fairy king, but he shook his head. “Then he didn’t actually cheat. He gave me a ride from point to point, but I did the breaking in and the breaking out. So he played it straight, Your Majesty. You just lost. Sorry.”

  Titania stepped up close to me and lowered her voice. “I. Don’t. Lose. Human.” She was almost tall enough to look me in the throat, but I was tired of this shit, tired of Fairyland, and really damned tired of people saying “human” like it was a synonym for monkey poop.

  I leaned down and put my gigantic face right down almost nose to nose with the fairy queen’s perfect little aquiline, aristocratic sniffer. “You. Lost. This. Time.” I added a “Your Majesty” on the end just to mitigate my insolence a tiny bit.

  She looked me dead in the eyes for a long time, so long I really needed to blink, but I had a little brother, so I grew up having staring contests over who got the last Pop-Tart. I never lost. After a ridiculously long time, she stepped back and blinked. “I have to revise my earlier opinion of you, Bubba. You are absolutely the bravest and stupidest human I have ever met.”

  “Oh, Your Majesty, I’m not even in the top one percent. One of these days, you can come over to Mount Bubba and I’ll introduce you to my cousin Redmond. He once tried to take a mountain lion to his senior prom. It didn’t end well for Redmond, or for the school gym.”

  “I have no idea what you are saying, Bubba, but I do have to respect you. Not many men could look into the eyes of the Queen of the Summerlands and not be swayed by her charms,” Oberon said.

  “Well, Obie, I gotta admit, it’s been a while since I’ve seen a pair of charms as impressive as hers, but I’m taken. I’ve got a lady back home, and as soon as I get y’all to agree to send me and all these girls home, I’m gonna take her out for some of Nashville’s best hot chicken and cold beer, and then take her home with me. I ain’t messing that up for nothing, no matter how smokin’ hot Titania is. No offense, Your Majesty.”

  “None taken,” Titania replied. Oberon just grinned.

  “Well, what’s the deal? Who won the bet? Shit, I don’t care who won the bet, can we just go home?” Tamara butted in. The girls had all gotten up off their knees and were sitting on one of the picnic tables around us. Puck and Princess Alethea were sitting on the grass in front of another bench, about as close as two people can be with clothes on.

  I looked at Titania. She looked at me, then to Puck. “You both attest that Oberon only provided transportation to and from the city, and nothing once you were within my gates?” We both nodded. “Then it seems, my husband, that you have been victorious. This time.”

  Oberon grinned and sketched out a shallow bow. “As always, Your Majesty, I appreciate your grace, even in defeat.”

  “Don’t push it, Oberon.” Titania scowled at him. This was not a relationship I ever wanted to try to understand.

  Oberon turned to Puck. “Robin Goodfellow.”

  Puck stood up. “Yes, my liege?” All hints of the mocking grin were gone; his face was totally serious for the first time since I’d seen him.

  “You have been successful in the task I set before you, rescuing your lady fair from the deepest dungeon of Tisa’ron. As promised, you have our permission to wed, should the Princess Alethea so desir
e.”

  Puck turned to where the lovely little princess sat, a demure blush on her cheeks. He knelt in front of her and said, “My dearest princess, would you consent to make me, at long last and in all truth, an honest Puck?”

  She squealed a little, wrapped her arms around the startled Goodfellow, and tackled him to the ground, smothering him in kisses.

  I looked at Oberon. “I reckon that’s a yes. Now how about sending us home?”

  “Indeed,” the fairy king agreed. He waved his hand, and a portal opened up in midair. I peered through, and damned if I couldn’t see Fort Nashborough through the glowing ring. I stared at it for a second, then Amy came into view on the other side. I hadn’t realized just how much I missed her until I wasn’t in danger of being killed or turned into a frog right that second, then it hit me like a hammer.

  Something must have shown on my face because Oberon leaned over to me. “I know exactly how that feels, my friend. And she is lovely. Take care of her.”

  “Oh you don’t even know, Obie. I don’t take care of her; she takes care of me. And together, we take care of the whole damn world. Or at least our little piece of it.” I spoke louder, so the whole clearing could hear me. “Time to go, girls! And if you aren’t from Tennessee, now’s the time to speak up.”

  “Don’t worry about that, Bubba. The portal is magic. They will all be returned to the exact spot where they left, and only two days will have passed, no matter how long they have been in Fairy,” Titania said.

  Oberon looked at her, and the queen shrugged. “What? I can’t be a gracious loser?”

  “Not usually,” he muttered, but I noticed he smiled when he said it.

  I watched all the girls go through the portal and vanish, then it was just me and the little pain in the ass that started it all, Tamara, standing there looking at Nashville. I held out my hand to Oberon. “Thanks, King. Your Majesty.” I nodded to Titania, and she inclined her chin back at me.