“Can I help you find something?” the owner asked, coming toward him from the other end of the aisle. His cheeks grew hot.
“Condoms?” she suggested.
Was his embarrassment that obvious? “No, um, enemas.” He couldn’t look at her as he said it. They weren’t necessary, but he didn’t want to risk grossing Rick out. He’d seen a video about it online, how you should pour out half the medicated liquid and replace it with distilled water to avoid cramping.
“Right back here,” she said, and he followed her to the far corner. “Don’t be shy. I get gay couples in here all the time.” She handed him a box. “Will this do?”
Apparently, you know better than me, lady. “Uh, yeah, this is fine.”
Her eyes softened. “This is new to you, isn’t it.”
He looked away.
“This guy you’re with…do you trust him?”
He looked at her, tears burning the corners of his eyes. “With my life.”
She nodded. “Trust is what matters most. Even more than love. Love can steer you wrong, make you ignore that voice in the back of your head, or that feeling in your gut that tells you something isn’t right. But if you’ve got trust, that’s half the battle.”
He nodded and made his purchase. Walking to the parking lot, he thought about all the reasons he was making this choice. Doing it for love wouldn’t be enough, as long as Rick wasn’t able to commit to him. But doing it for trust—for all the times Rick had looked out for him, stood up for him, taken care of him—that was reason enough. Not for their romance, but for their bromance.
***
Rick stood at the pump, sun baking the concrete. The odor of gasoline swirled around him. He half expected the heat to ignite the fumes.
Traffic dribbled past, not like the tight lines of cars on the main drag at the Jersey shore. He liked the beach, but the mountains were quieter, more peaceful.
A red Ford Focus drove into the lot. Two girls got out, late teens, one in a bikini top with cutoff jeans, the other in a swim tank with a white mesh cover-up. The driver, the one in the bikini, looked over and gave him a smile. High cheekbones, pretty eyes, dark hair halfway to her waist. He smiled back, not flirting, just being civilized.
The two girls headed toward the entrance, chatting and laughing. The girl in the tank was slender, the other more voluptuous. His mind wandered to the idea of fucking them, the way it had been trained to. Bikini girl was more his type. He pictured the big, firm boobs in his hands, her legs open and waiting for him.
His dick wilted. Just like it had with Cyn the last few times. He liked looking at pretty girls, but lately, looking was all he wanted to do.
Maybe he was making too much of it. The atmosphere at the gas station wasn’t exactly conducive to a stiffy. The pump halted, and he stuck the nozzle back into place. As he pulled the receipt from the slot, Jordy exited the store, tall and tan, gait masculine but graceful.
Rick’s cock pressed into his fly, the metal rough even through his briefs.
That’s what you want, his brain said. He brushed it off. Of course he got horny looking at Jordan. It was operant conditioning, like Pavlov’s dogs. He was getting sex from Jordan, so seeing Jordan made him hard. Simple as that.
Chapter 9
When they arrived at Mia Kristina’s that evening, a hostess with a streak of blue in her black hair greeted them. “Table 7,” she said to the waiter next to her. Rick eyed the slim blond, about his age. The guy picked up two menus, giving him the once-over, gaze lingering on his package before he turned and said, “This way.”
His face heated. Something about a guy checking him out was incredibly sexy. Not that he was interested—the guy wasn’t muscular like Jordan, more what he supposed would be called a twink. Still, he was hot in his own way, and Rick’s stomach tickled at the attention.
As they sat, the waiter said, “I’m Aidan, and I’ll be your server tonight. Let me tell you about our specials…” He rested his hand on the back of Rick’s chair. He sucked in his cheeks, and Jordan raised his brows, the hint of a grin on his lips.
He tried to listen to the specials, but the language part of his brain had switched off in favor of the horny part of his brain. The nerve endings in his skin were hyper-aware of the closeness of the waiter, heat radiating from his body.
“What can I get you to drink?” Aidan asked. He met Rick’s eyes. “Besides a tall glass of water.”
Jordan said in a louder-than-normal voice. “Iced tea for me.”
Aidan gave him a quick glance, then turned his gaze back to Rick.
“What other soft drinks have you got? A fancy place like this—I bet you’ve got something special to offer.”
Aidan licked his lips. “Raspberry lemonade?”
Rick’s eyes swept over him. “Delicious. I’ll have some of that.”
Aidan blushed and headed toward the kitchen.
Jordan let out a laugh.
He gave him his most intimidating glare. “What?”
“You’re not just gay for me, apparently. You’re gay for that waiter, too.”
“He’s not my type. Too fem.”
“You have a type?”
His cheeks warmed. “Shut up.”
“I don’t mind, babe. Flirt all you want, as long as you don’t touch.”
“We’ll get better service if he thinks I’m into him. Which I’m not.”
“S’okay.” With a sexy half-smile, Jordan leaned in and said in Rick’s ear, “We could invite him for a threesome. Maybe he’d suck my cock.”
He pulled away, the words slicing through him. Was Jordy mad that he hadn’t gone down on him? After all, he kept asking for it. And he’d promised to fulfill Rick’s fantasy…
“Babe, I’m kidding.” Jordan slid his chair closer and murmured, “I mean, I don’t get why you’re comfortable rimming me, yet not sucking me. But if that’s where you are, I’m fine with it.”
“If that were true, you wouldn’t have said it that way.”
Jordan stared at the salt shaker like it was the most interesting thing in the room. “Okay, yeah, I want it. But you’re clearly not ready to go there.” Jordan looked up, eyes wide, then said softly, “You’re afraid someone will call you a cocksucker, and it’ll be true.”
He jerked back, mind rushing, a pit forming in his stomach. Yeah, the idea bothered him. How fucking shallow could he get? This thing between him and Jordy was private. Why should he care what other people thought?
Jordan stroked his arm from the shoulder to the elbow. “S’okay. You’re going through a lot. It’s taken me years to adjust, and you’re trying to do it all in one weekend.” Jordan’s eyes gleamed in the candlelight, the love in them clear for anyone to see.
His stomach pulled taut. Being with Jordan felt natural. The disapproving look from the guy at the next table didn’t. Heat burned his cheeks, and he pulled away. Jordan stiffened.
“Don’t be mad,” he murmured.
“I’m not. I understand.” Jordan’s voice was cold.
He breathed deep to loosen the tightness in his chest. Loving Jordan was the most liberating, exciting experience of his life. Nothing had ever made him feel more like a man. But the world wouldn’t see it that way. If their friends from school ever found out…Captain of the football team turned queer. Could he live with that? That emasculating perception following him everywhere he went for the rest of his life?
His eyes met Jordan’s. He wanted to grab him and kiss him hard. Reassure him that he was the most important thing in Rick’s life. But was he? Rick’s self-image was on the line.
He hadn’t thought through what this weekend would mean for him. He’d wanted to get Jordy into bed. He hadn’t expected to fall in love. But how could he not? He’d loved Jordy for twelve years. In the past six months, the attraction had grown into an obsession. Of course sex with him would send Rick over the edge. He couldn’t undo it. Leaving Jordy now would be heartbreak.
Obviously, they’d be physical
ly separated. But if they got together one weekend a month, agreed to be exclusive…That might work. He could drive to Princeton. No one at Penn State would have to know he had a boyfriend. But how could he ask Jordan to be faithful to him when he was living a lie—when he was unwilling to face the discrimination that came with coming out?
“I need some air.” He rushed from the building. Outside, he sucked in breaths like a man pulled from a sinking ship.
He hurried to a little stream that ran next to the parking lot. Sobs threatened to overwhelm him. He loved Jordy, but he couldn’t adopt this lifestyle. It wasn’t who he was.
Cynthia’s face flashed in front of him. He doubled over in pain. The idea of kissing her, even touching her, nauseated him. Sex had made their relationship worse, not better.
What did that mean? Was he gay? Was he kidding himself about liking girls?
He looked down along the ridge, a deep ravine cutting through rock. Part of him wished the earth could swallow him up. How could anyone think people chose to be gay? Why would anyone choose this—to be ostracized by family and friends, to be faced with the hateful stares of strangers?
Footsteps sounded on the pavement. He turned. Jordan approached, his features wide with fear. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“I should have told you no,” Jordan said. “I’m no good for you.”
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” Sobs shook him. Jordan’s arms encompassed him. “How can you stand it? Knowing people will hate you, no matter what you do?”
“I’ve always had you to watch out for me.”
He blinked, and a thrill tickled his gut. He wasn’t in this alone. He was used to protecting Jordan, but maybe it was time to let Jordan be the strong one. Time for him to admit he needed help.
“I don’t know if I can do this. I should never have brought you here—started something I couldn’t finish.”
Jordan took his hand and caressed his palm. Without looking up, he said, “If all we ever have is this weekend, it’s enough. If this is goodbye, it’s a hell of a way to go out.”
“I don’t want it to be goodbye.” He wiped the wet tears from his cheeks. “But I don’t know what else it can be. I couldn’t stand it if we weren’t friends anymore. How can I be with you and not touch you? I can’t go back.”
“Of course you can.” Jordan’s eyes were wide, his face pale yet calm. “You’ll go away to college, make new friends, get immersed in your classes…and this weekend will become part of our past together. When we see each other over the semester break, these feelings won’t be fresh, the pain of separation won’t be fresh. We’ll have some perspective. And we’ll be better equipped to figure out what our relationship should be.” Jordan’s expression cracked, and his own tears fell.
“You already know what you want,” Rick said.
“Yes. But it’s not what you want.”
“Maybe it could be.”
A fragile smile crossed Jordan’s face. “Then you’ve got time to figure it out. At Christmastime, if you decide to embrace your life as a gay man, we’ll announce to the world that we’re a couple. If not, we’ll be friends. We’ll always be friends.”
“Friends with benefits?”
“No. I won’t be your fuck buddy. I want love. If you can’t give me that…well, you have until Christmas to decide.”
“You’re giving me an ultimatum?”
“I’m giving you time. I’ll be faithful to you until the spring semester starts. After that, I move on.”
Rick gazed at the pink horizon, the sun blazing in its last throes of life. His heart thumped against his chest. It was too much too fast. He wanted a future that included marriage and kids. He’d never envisioned anything else. Could he have that with Jordan?
All summer, when he’d talked to Cyn about whether they should see other people, he’d imagined what it would be like to be free. He liked the idea of dating—something he’d never really done.
He wasn’t ready to be in love with Jordan. A semester apart would be good for them. As much as it hurt to think about, the space would relieve the pressure.
“Maybe it’s too soon to talk about being faithful,” he said. “Cyn and I did that, and look where it got us. Jordy, we’re eighteen. College is a time to explore. Can’t we date each other, but date other people too? I don’t mean sleeping with anyone else. Just…figuring out if this is forever.” He took Jordan’s hand. “You’ve never dated anyone. Don’t you want to try that?”
“You think the only reason I love you is because I haven’t dated someone else?”
He slid his hands into his pockets. “Won’t you always wonder?”
“I guess being in love is different for you than it is for me.”
“That’s not fair. Look at this rationally.”
“Love isn’t rational. If you can’t commit to me for one semester—”
“I didn’t say I can’t. I have no idea what will happen at Penn State once I get immersed in that city of people. Maybe I’ll be miserable without you. Part of me will. Is it so much to ask, to hold on to you, but to try new things, too?”
“You swear you won’t sleep with anyone else?”
“I swear.”
“You understand what this means. I could meet a guy, someone who’s out, who wants to be with me openly. You’re willing to take that chance?”
“You need to date other guys. If we end up together, I want it to be because you chose me.”
“People date because they’re trying to find the right person. I already found you. I don’t need to keep looking.”
Rick shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, I think we could be happy together. I need to be sure. And to be sure, I need to see other people.”
“Girls, you mean.”
“If I’m attracted to them, yeah. If I’m attracted to another guy, maybe I’d like to explore what that’s about, too.”
Jordan shook his head. “If you had to choose between being straight and being with me, you’d choose being straight.”
He combed his fingers through his hair. “Until I figure out who I am, I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone. I don’t want to give you up. But I also don’t want to feel guilty for experimenting with someone else. How do I know whether I want to be with girls, unless I try? How do I know if I’m attracted to other guys? I’m not talking about sex—just kissing and stuff. Is that so awful? Don’t you want that, too?”
***
Jordan stared at him, struggling for words. Don’t be needy. He didn’t want someone else. He wanted Rick.
What if Rick was right? Maybe Jordan should date other guys—just casually—to make sure Rick was The One.
Open relationships were lame, but at least it was a relationship. Twenty-four hours ago, he would have given anything for a chance with Rick. Now he had it. Was he going to throw it away because it wasn’t all he wanted?
He squeezed Rick’s hand. “If that’s what you want…I can live with that. I mean, as long as you’re questioning, it’s not really fair to ask for a commitment.”
Rick’s body relaxed. He threw his arms around him.
He kissed Rick’s cheek. “We should get back inside before they give our table away.” He took Rick’s hand and led him into the restaurant.
Chapter 10
Back at the cabin, they watched the Phillies game for a while with Jordan curled into Rick’s arms. Rick glanced over at him and the wave hit, the sheer beauty of Jordan. He leaned in for a kiss, and Jordan’s mouth plundered him. They tore into each other’s clothes. He raised his body over Jordan’s and rubbed their erections together. “So good, babe. I could come like this.”
“That wasn’t the plan.” Jordan ran his tongue across Rick’s lips.
“You’re sure?”
He shrugged. “Nervous. But I want it.”
In the lamplight, Jordan’s golden hair glowed against his tan skin. Looking at him, Rick didn’t care abo
ut tomorrow or next week or next year. Life was lived in the moment, and if you thought too much about the future, you missed out on today. Right now, the most beautiful man he knew was underneath him, hot and ready.
Longing blossomed in his chest, not just physical desire, but a spiritual need to become one with Jordan. He wanted to be tender, to reassure Jordan that he was cherished. It wasn’t just Jordan’s body he wanted. It was all of him.
He was a better man because of Jordan. The desire for Jordan’s respect had tamed his natural selfishness, made him work at compassion. He hated to think who he’d be if Jordan hadn’t come into his life.
“You’re my best friend,” Rick said. “My lover. Maybe my future. This means everything to me.”
Jordan’s eyes turned to liquid. “Me, too.”
***
Jordan headed into the bathroom. He stripped out of his clothes and used the enema he’d stashed under the vanity. It felt weird, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He wanted to convince Rick that sex with him was better than it could be with a girl.
The idea of giving himself to Rick this way made his body shiver with excitement. He’d read a lot about it, and felt confident he could do it without much pain, as long as they went slow. He trusted Rick to do this right, putting Jordan’s needs first.
In the shower, the hot water ran down, relaxing his muscles. To combat his apprehension, he shuffled through the fantasies he’d had of Rick fucking him. His favorite was in the limo after prom. Desire pumped through his veins.
He soaped and rinsed, then dried himself, barely sweeping the towel against his erection. It wouldn’t take much to send him over the edge. No matter what happened, Rick loved him. That much he knew for sure.
Hair dry, he wrapped the towel around his waist. He ran hot water over a couple of washcloths for later. Was that OCD, or a nervous virgin thing? Or maybe it was a retired Boy Scout thing: he wanted to be prepared. The irony amused him.
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