“She did and I want to make sure you’re handling it all right. Talk about a lot of information.”
Brandon sank onto the bed. “It wasn’t so bad. I knew I was adopted and I guess I always sort of figured I had a mother out there. Sometimes I thought she might be dead. I didn’t spend a lot of time wondering, you know?”
He didn’t, but he could imagine. “Crissy’s pretty cool.”
Brandon shot him a grin. “For a girl.”
“Don’t let her hear you say that.”
“I know. Man, she’s really sensitive about the girl thing. But I like her, so it’s okay.”
Josh wasn’t sure how much to say or what questions to ask. The only thing he knew for sure was to make sure Brandon understood he was loved and wanted. “She was pretty young when she got pregnant.”
“That’s what she said. In high school. That’s real young to have a baby. It’s better to wait until you’re older and married.” He grimaced. “I don’t know if I want to get married.”
Josh held in a chuckle. “You don’t have to decide tonight. The point is her decision to give you up for adoption was about where she was. It wasn’t about you.”
“She told me that, too. Jeez. I know Mom and Dad love me, okay? I’m not going to start acting up because I don’t feel special.”
Josh grabbed him and wrestled him onto his back, then tickled his ribs. “You think you’re so smart. You think you know everything.”
“I am smart,” Brandon gasped as he laughed and squirmed. “Okay, okay. I give.”
Josh released him. “They wanted you. From the second they met Crissy, they wanted you. I was still in medical school. I remember Pete meeting me outside one of my classrooms at lunch. He’d said it was really important.” Josh grinned as he remembered his brother’s excitement. “He went on and on about the pregnant high-school girl he and Abbey had met the night before. How great she was and how much she wanted the best for her baby. Pete said he knew that baby, her baby, was the one. That he or she was going to be their firstborn. That was you, kid.”
“Yeah?” Brandon straightened and squared his shoulders. “I am amazing.”
Josh laughed. “Yes, you are. A little self-absorbed, but I can tickle that out of you.”
Brandon scooted out of range.
“They love you,” Josh said.
“I know that.”
“We’re all going to be really boring and keep repeating that. Crissy being your birth mother doesn’t change who you are or where you belong.”
Brandon picked at the L.A. Dodger comforter. “She’s got family. Parents. A brother and sister. They have kids. So they’re kind of related to me, too.” He looked up, his expression stricken. “Is that okay?”
“Of course. You’re allowed to have blood relatives.”
“I know, but I don’t want Mom or Dad to think they matter less, you know? Or you. I mean I have another uncle now, but he’ll never be like you.”
Josh grabbed Brandon and pulled him close. “You get to love as many people as you want. It’s better that way. More family is a good thing and your folks will be cool with that.”
“I’d never hurt them.”
“They know that. So you’ll get to know Crissy and meet the rest of your family. They’ll become a part of you, but this will always be your home.”
The boy relaxed. “Promise?”
“Absolutely.”
Later, when Brandon had fallen asleep on the sectional sofa, Josh joined Crissy in the kitchen.
“And?” she asked. “Is it all right? Did I damage him permanently or can it be repaired?”
She looked worried and scared and more beautiful than he’d ever seen her. He crossed to where she stood by the cabinets, put his hands on her waist and then leaned in and kissed her.
She tasted of chocolate and temptation. Even though their lips barely touched and their bodies didn’t, wanting exploded inside of him. He ignored it, knowing this wasn’t the time or the place. But later?
“He’s fine. Better than fine,” he said. “He’s good. He understands what you told him, he doesn’t blame you for giving him up. His biggest worry is that he’s excited to meet the rest of your family and he doesn’t want that to hurt Pete or Abbey.”
Relief relaxed her features. “You sure? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”
“I swear, he’s doing great.” He recapped his conversation with Brandon. “As he pointed out, it helped that he knew he was adopted. So he’s always wondered about his birth mother. Overhearing what he heard only filled in the pieces for him. You’ve made the first step and it’s a good one.”
She exhaled slowly. “That’s a relief. I was stunned when he flat out asked if I was his birth mother. I couldn’t believe we were alone and there was no one to guide me through the conversation. I had to rely on instinct.”
“Your instincts are working just fine,” he said as he touched her face.
“Good to know. I want to talk to Abbey about all this. She’s going to get even more questions from him, I’m sure. She’ll be okay with this, right? She won’t hate me?”
“She won’t hate you.”
“She’s such a good person. I really respect her. And admire her. I want to be a part of Brandon’s life, but not as his mom. Abbey will always be that. She should be. But I could be someone else.”
“Be you,” he said, then kissed her again.
The wanting rose again. This time it was more insistent and accompanied by a physical manifestation. Rather than give in, he led her to the table where he was careful to sit far enough away that she was out of touching distance.
“What a night.” She leaned back in her chair. “What’s going on with Hope, do you think? Is she going to be all right?”
“I’m not a specialist, but I would guess she’ll do fine. She has the kind of asthma most kids outgrow. It’s scary but not always life-threatening.”
She smiled. “You’re a good guy to have around. I’m sure Pete and Abbey appreciate how great you are with the kids.”
“It’s takes a village,” he teased, watching the way her mouth moved when she smiled.
“In my case, it would take more of a town. I’m not the maternal type. But you seem to have the instinct.” She studied him. “I’ve seen you with Abbey’s kids, and with Alicia a couple of days ago. You’re terrific with kids. You know what to say and they adore you. So why don’t you have any of your own? Did you hold off because of Stacey’s illness?”
An innocent question, he thought, his good mood fading. A reasonable one, under the circumstances. But still, his insides knotted.
“I never wanted children,” he told her. “My work keeps me busy and I’m around kids all day so I’ve never felt the loss. Stacey couldn’t have kids, so that worked out. It was just the two of us. We talked about adopting, but our hearts weren’t in it. Once she got sick, we both realized we’d made the right decision.”
Josh kept talking, but Crissy wasn’t listening. Her brain was stuck on his casual “I never wanted children.”
It wasn’t possible. She refused to believe it. How could he not want kids? He was great with them. They adored him. He had instincts she could only dream about. He was born to be a father. He worked with children every day. So why didn’t he want any of his own?
She didn’t have any answers, which was pretty scary. What if she was pregnant? Did that mean Josh wouldn’t want to be a part of his child’s life? Just as important, what about her relationship with him? She’d thought he was someone she could genuinely care about. She thought he could matter.
But however much she might be lacking the “mom” gene, she’d always seen herself having a family of her own someday. She couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t willing to share that.
The phone rang, breaking through her whirlwind of thoughts. Josh grabbed it.
“Hello?”
He listened for a minute, then smiled. “Good. I’m glad she’s okay. I’ll tell Crissy and the kids.
Yes. Sure. Okay. See you when you get here.”
He hung up. “Hope’s fine. She and Abbey will stay the night at the hospital, just to be sure, then they’ll be home in the morning.”
“That’s a relief,” Crissy said.
“She’s leaving a message for Pete, telling him to go ahead and finish out his shift. I’m going to stay the night here. I’ve done it before. I have clothes in the guest room. You can head home if you want.”
Home? Right. She could go home.
She stood and wondered what she was supposed to say now. Judging from how Josh kept talking it was obvious he didn’t know he’d upset her, which was probably a good thing. She had no idea what she could say to him.
Her first reaction was to tell him he didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course he wanted children. But did she really know him? Making love with a man didn’t entitle her to the secrets of his soul. He could very well be telling the truth. She could be caught up in a big fat case of wishful thinking.
“I should go,” she said as she rose. “I have a busy day tomorrow.”
He stood and pulled her close. “You didn’t have to come over and take care of things like you did.”
“It was a crisis. I wasn’t going to refuse.”
“I like that about you.”
She gazed up into his eyes and wondered if it was too late not to care about him. “You need higher standards.”
“My standards are plenty high. You meet all of them.”
She forced herself to smile, then kiss him before leaving.
As she walked to the car, she knew that he was wrong about her. She didn’t meet all his standards. She wanted children and the loud, happy mess of a life that came with them. She might not have been ready before, when she’d gotten pregnant with Brandon, but she was now.
It had taken her the past twelve years to figure out she could forgive herself for making the decision she had and finally allow herself to be happy. She knew what she wanted. If Josh didn’t want the same things she did—he wasn’t right for her.
Simple enough to say, she thought sadly as she drove into the night. But walking away wasn’t going to be easy. He was the best man she’d ever met. How was she supposed to find someone better?
Two mornings later Crissy stared at the neat row of plastic sticks. Some came with pluses, others had writing, but all the messages were exactly the same.
She was pregnant.
Chapter Nine
S aturday morning Crissy drove over to join Rachel for Noelle’s “Baby Watch.” Noelle was close enough to popping that no one wanted her to be by herself. Dev had out-of-town clients he had to deal with so Rachel and Crissy had volunteered to be on duty.
When she’d agreed to help out, she’d thought only of being with her friend. Now as she curled up on the sofa in the well-decorated, bright family room, she thought about how much these women had come to mean to her.
They’d only known each other a little over two years, but in that time, they’d become so close. They’d gone through more than different knitting classes—they’d seen each other’s lives change for the better. She couldn’t imagine not having them to lean on.
Crissy watched as Noelle shifted in the chair.
“I can’t get comfortable,” she complained. “I was willing to be brave about it for a while, but now I’m just plain cranky. Do I have to be so huge? I’m not giving birth to a pod of whales. It should be just one seven or eight pound baby.”
“That’s a lot of baby,” Rachel said, sounding impressed.
“I’m still caught up on her knowing that whales traveled in pods,” Crissy teased. “Someone’s been watching Animal Planet.”
Noelle sighed. “I’m serious. I want the baby out now. I don’t care how.”
Crissy looked at Rachel. “She does have that great knife set in the kitchen.”
Rachel rubbed the sofa fabric. “The blood would stain.”
“That’s a problem.”
Noelle glared at her. “Take me seriously!”
Crissy crossed to the ottoman in front of her chair and grabbed one of her hands. “I know you’re uncomfortable, but it’s only for a few more days. Hang on. It’s going to be worth it. You’ll see.”
Noelle’s eyes filled with tears. “I know. I just want to see her so much. My back hurts, I’m swollen up like a water balloon. I look hideous. Dev is never going to be able to forget how hideous I look and he won’t want to have sex with me again.”
Crissy’s pain during her first pregnancy had been about missing the prom. She hadn’t had to think in terms of babies or marriages. Things were different when one was a grown-up.
“Now you’re scaring me,” Rachel said with a whimper in her voice. “I’ve changed my mind about being pregnant.”
“Don’t do that,” Noelle told her. “It’s wonderful. Really. I’m just having a bad day. Let’s change the subject to something fun. Like the wedding. How are plans coming?”
“Slowly,” Rachel said. “We haven’t set a date yet, but it will definitely be after the baby’s born. I want to be skinny in my dress.”
Crissy returned to the sofa. “You’ll be a beautiful bride.”
“I’ll do my best. I keep waiting for Carter’s family to get upset because I’m pregnant first and married later, but everyone has been great. After I lost my family all those years ago, I never thought I’d have that again. But now I do. He gave me a family.”
Her voice cracked as she spoke, then she wiped away tears. Noelle looked a little misty.
“Am I the only one still sane?” Crissy asked, worried that they were all about to start sobbing in unison, or worse, break out in song. “Let’s talk about something that doesn’t involve emotions. Wallpaper, maybe. Or some great barbecue ideas for the summer.”
Rachel wiped her eyes. “Sorry. You’re right. It must be really hard for you to deal with us. The whole pregnancy thing. I guess it’s like being the only sober person at a big party. You’ve been so there for us. We’re going to have to figure out a way to pay you back.”
Crissy opened her mouth, then closed it. To be honest, she’d been living in the happy land of denial for the past couple of days. The pregnancy tests had told her a truth she didn’t want to admit, so she’d ignored it. With the exception of giving up wine—hardly difficult as she rarely drank—and being sure she took her vitamins every day, she hadn’t changed anything about her life.
But like it or not, in about eight months, she was going to have a baby.
She still wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Part of her was practically giddy at the thought. A baby. She could handle a child now. She was more mature, more financially settled. She had a support system in place.
Part of her thought she was crazy. A baby? She didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. Her idea of domestic was to buy lettuce and salad dressing separately, instead of together in one of those premade salad bags. Had she thought to get Noelle a wonderfully practical present for the shower? A stroller or high chair or even diaper service? Not her. She’d gone with frilly dresses the baby would never wear.
There was also the complication of Josh, but she didn’t want to think about that because if she did, she would panic and that wouldn’t be pretty.
“Crissy?”
She looked up and saw both Noelle and Rachel staring at her.
“What’s wrong?” Noelle asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine. Great even. Perfect.”
Rachel frowned. “You don’t look fine. You’re not your normal bouncy self. What’s going on? Did something happen with Brandon?”
“Or with Josh?” Noelle asked.
“I…”
Something had happened with both of them. Something big.
“I…”
“You’re keeping secrets,” Rachel said, sounding disappointed. “Are you mad at us? Have we been too self-absorbed with our pregnancies? Do you hate us?”
Noelle instantly teared up. “Oh God.
You think we’re too domestic. You’re so sophisticated. You have a successful business and you’re beautiful. I’m just some kid who got knocked up, right? You don’t want to be friends with me anymore. You think I’m stupid.”
Now the tears were flowing freely. Rachel looked as if she was seconds from giving in to emotion, as well. Crissy wanted to pound her head against the wall.
“Stop,” she said. “Just stop. I love you guys. I want to be friends, in fact I insist on it. I need you both. I’m going to need you a whole lot more in the next few months.”
They both stared at her. “What happened?” Rachel asked.
“A lot. I didn’t say anything because I’ve been sort of ignoring it myself. I think I’ve reached my crisis limit for this week.” She drew in a breath. It was probably better to start small and build up to the big announcement.
“Brandon knows I’m his birth mother.”
That stopped the tears.
Noelle wiped her face. “What happened?”
Crissy explained about Hope’s asthma attack and how she, Crissy, had gone over to help out.
“He just asked,” she said, remembering how she’d felt at that moment. “I honestly didn’t know what to say, how to explain. I didn’t want to hurt him or make him feel bad. I sort of let him lead the conversation. Later, when I talked to Abbey, she said everything had gone great and that Brandon was doing well. I hope she’s right.”
Rachel grinned at her. “So he knows you’re his mother.”
“Birth mother. And yes, there’s a difference. Abbey’s his mom. She’s been the one raising him for nearly thirteen years. I’m just…the vessel.”
“You’re more than that,” Noelle told her. “Besides, you want to be involved, don’t you? You want to be in his life.”
Crissy smiled. “I do. It’s so strange. I avoided thinking about him for years, but now that I’ve met him and I’ve seen our connection, I want more. I want to be a part of his world.”
“Regrets?” Rachel asked.
“Some. In my crazy moments, I wonder what it would have been like. But the rest of the time I know I made the right choice.”
Her Last First Date Page 12
