by Sher Dillard
She was moving the big text book when the legal pad fell forward. He hadn’t exactly been hiding it. More like filing it away
Re-reading the opening sentence, her breath caught as she got ready to read more. Should she be doing this, was it right. A rush of guilt washed through her as she lifted the page.
‘Smitty, Thomas Smith out of Oklahoma was next. I held his head in my lap while he died.’
Again the sentence was repeated down the entire page. Each word lining up directly under its twin above.
‘Terrence Oakley was last. Jake and I still miss him.’
The sentence filled the entire third page. The words started to run together towards the end as if he had to fight to complete the assignment. Almost like he was trying to push through a deep shame.
Meagan swallowed hard as she lifted the page. The writing continued with a new pen, dark blue this time, still in the efficient masculine hand
‘James Hansen, Thomas Smith, and Terence Oakley are dead because of me. I didn’t do anything wrong. That didn’t change the fact that it was my decisions that put them in place to die. Each time it happened it tore a piece of my soul away. Ripping it from my core and throwing it into the fires of hell. Never to be replenished nor replaced except by a gaping hole of shame, and guilt.
Jimmy Hansen died because he was the first through the door. I picked him for that role. He was short and fast, with hands quicker than a mongoose. He went through like he was supposed to. Bent at the waist with his rifle leading the way. They knew we were coming in. Hell, we’d announced ourselves in three different languages.
The shot punched through his body armor and strait into his heart, he was dead before he hit the ground. I pushed Thompson who was supposed to be second out of the way and killed Jimmy’s killer. I’ll never forget the haunted look of fear and loss on the little girl’s face as I shot her father. The man who had killed my friend.'
Meagan drew a deep breath and held it while she re-read the section. A brief flash of relief flowed through her as she realized he wasn’t a serial killer.
The relief was quickly replaced by a sense of guilt at thinking about herself and the situation she was in. She could feel his pain and suffering with each word and dreaded continuing.
'Thomas Smith was a quiet kid that never talked about himself. I didn’t know if he had a girlfriend back home. Hell, I don’t know if he ever had a girlfriend. He did what he was told, always pulled his weight, didn’t bitch about how much things sucked. The perfect soldier in that respect. At least from a sergeant’s perspective.
I was the one to assign him to drag; I needed someone I could trust at the tail end of our line. It was his job to make sure no one snuck up from behind and to keep everything in front of him. Things were going well, only to be interrupted by the sickening WOMP sound a mortar makes leaving its tube. Smitty, along with the rest of the patrol jumped for cover and hugged the ground like they were supposed to. The shell landed ten feet away. By the time I got there Doc Roberts was already doing his stuff but it was too late. There was too much damage. I held his head while he bled out onto the dry sand of that mountain trail.'
Meagan’s heart ached as she quickly wiped her eyes then lifted the page.
‘Terence Oakely was a damn good man with a wife and two little boys. A big black guy out of the Mississippi delta, my good friend, and Jake’s handler. He and Jake were closer than two beings could ever be. I swear they could read each other’s mind. Terry’s wife used to say she was jealous of their special bond. Then one day she realized the dog would willingly sacrifice itself for his friend. From that moment on Jake held a special place in her heart.
I don’t know what tripped the IED. The bastard who built it made a mistake. It took a couple of seconds to go off. Enough time for Terry and Jake to get a few feet away. He might have survived the explosion if a stray piece of shrapnel hadn’t gotten him in the back of the neck half an inch below his helmet.
As it was, Terry was between the blast and his dog and as a result he ended up saving Jake’s life, barely. Not as Janet Oakley had envisioned it. The Army patched Jake up. - Like they did with a lot of us. - But he was never going to be good enough to go back into combat.
Again, - Like a lot of us.- '
By the time I got out of the hospital I was able to start the paperwork to adopt him from the Army. Colonel Stevenson helped push it through and both of us were discharged a month later. I honestly think that getting Jake saved me.
The shrinks say that if I …. ‘
The words stopped on the middle of the page, mid-sentence. Meagan flicked through the rest of the pad but it remained madly empty. What did it mean? Why had he stopped? What did his doctors say? How had he been wounded?
Her heart raced as she tried to understand.
A heavy clomp on the porch brought her back to reality. Brandon had returned.
She stuffed the yellow pad back into its spot in the book case and grabbed a book. Scurrying to the rocking chair she opened the book and pretended to be reading when he stepped in.
Jake shot by him and over to her. His tail wagging like he’d found a long lost secret as he pushed his nose under her hand demanding to be petted. She buried her face in his fur, giving him a kiss on the forehead. The dog smiled back at her with his eyes, melting her heart in a couple of places.
“Is this it?” Brandon asked, holding up her blue purse as if it might be one of a dozen different purses he could have found. “I can tell you, it felt pretty uncomfortable carrying this back to the house. My man status was seriously threatened. Thank god no one was around to see.”
“Wow, you found it.” She said jumping out of her chair. Taking it from his hand, she quickly opened it and did a mental inventory. Phone, brush, keys. All of it there.
“Thank you,” she said as she reached up and surprised him with a big hug.
He felt solid, like this mountain. She knew he hurt deep inside. Desperately she wanted to take away his pain.
The hug was becoming too long and too hard. Still she had trouble letting go. There was so much she wanted to say.
Realizing that if she didn’t step back it was going to become very uncomfortable, she coughed, then separated herself.
He looked at her with one raised eyebrow. Her face became very warm, making her sure she’d turned a burning red color, probably the color of a tomato.
Looking into his deep blue eyes her heart melted again as they stared into each other’s soul. It was one of those moments when a thousand messages are sent and received. Very few of which were really understood. All she knew was that things were different now. She was beginning to understand this man and what she knew about him, she liked.
.o0o.
Brandon played a three of diamonds and watched as her brow furrowed with concern. She’s competitive, he thought and smiled to himself. They’d been playing rummy for an hour now and it was nip and tuck the whole way as to who was going to win.
She discarded her card then looked up. “I saw a college chemistry book in the book case, yours?” she asked.
His hand froze on the way to retrieve a card. So now it begins. He’d been waiting for the questions. Knew they had to come somehow.
He’d thought about whether he’d answer or not. How much of his story he should tell. A part of him wanted to talk, wanted to unload. It was as if he needed to expel a poison from his soul. Another part yelled at him to shut up. There was nothing to be gained by sharing information. You ended up giving other people ammunition.
“Yes,” he answered hesitantly.
“How’d it end up here?” she asked nonchalantly, never taking her eyes away from her cards.
Sighing to himself he leaned back and looked at the woman. Every part of his gut told him he could trust her. At least with some of it. That she could shoulder the truth and not falter.
“It was in my backpack the day I left school.”
Now it was her turn to raise an eyebrow. Obviously the
answer had been insufficient. “What? You just walked away with a Chemistry book in your backpack?”
“Yep, pretty much.”
Meagan played another card and rearranged the ones in her hand as she thought about what he’d said. “Where’d you go to school?”
He hesitated a moment, letting out a breath he said, “Harvard.” Then picked up another card.
“What? You walked away from Harvard. Who does that? Did you get kicked out or something?”
“No, nothing like that,” he said chuckling to himself. It would have been easier if he’d been kicked out.
“The summer between my sophomore and junior year I did an internship at a Wall Street Investment bank. My father set it up. Remember, I told you my Great Grandfather built this place. He made his money as a Seattle Banker during the Klondike Gold rush days. It’s sort of the family business. Banking that is.”
She stopped playing and stared at him with big eyes waiting for the rest. Obviously trying to imagine him dressed in a suit sitting behind a desk.
Shrugging his shoulders he continued. “Anyway, that internship showed me how much I did not want to be a banker, even a rich Wall Street type banker. Those guys would risk other people’s money, millions, then bitch and complain about how stupid everyone was for not doing what they were doing. It was all about who could stab the most in the back without getting caught.”
He stopped for a moment to study his cards but his mind kept drifting back to that summer and how much things had changed.
“When I went back to school,” he continued, “things didn’t fit. Everyone was scrambling to get to the top. I couldn’t figure out why. What was up there other than the knowledge that you were at the top. It didn’t mean anything, not really.”
She quickly played another card then looked at him expectantly. Obviously she was going to need more.
“So you came back here, with a Chemistry book in your backpack. Have you been here the whole time?”
For some reason her question made him think that she knew he hadn’t been here that long. Had he told her it was nine months?
“No, I came back here to think and ended up joining the Army.”
“Wow, that’s quite some shift.”
“No, not really,” he said. “They’re both meritocracies designed to get people to do their best. The difference is that Harvard, the business school at least, is designed to turn out people with the tools to get rich usually at the expense of others. The Army is just more honest about it. It turns out people with the tools to kill people.”
“That a cold assessment,” She said.
“Yeah maybe,” he answered with a slight blush. “That’s sort of what I figured going in anyway. I came to realize it wasn’t about that at all,” he said with a smile as he drew a card he needed.
When he didn’t elaborate immediately she said, “Go on, what was it all about?”
He looked up from his cards. “It was about your buddies, your squad. Keeping them alive. Accomplishing the mission. About doing something bigger than yourself.”
He froze mid-play, his hand half way to the discards as he looked off into the distance. The memories flooded into his mind, taking him back.
Faces, blood, and laughs. The time Jackson lost his boots or when Jones farted so loud even the Afghanis laughed.
He remembered the feeling of love and pride he had felt when they landed in country and how much he’d looked forward to being tested.
How he’d worried and fretted so much until First Sargent Turner had subtly hinted he needed to back off or he was going to have a minor mutiny on his hands.
All of it rushed back, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
“That’s enough about me. What about you?” He said, using a sledge hammer to change the subject. There was only so much he could talk about. At least at first.
.o0o.
Meagan looked out the window while Brandon shuffled the cards. They’d passed the afternoon playing Gin and talking.
The snow continued to pile up. Frustrating her to the very core. Would she be trapped here all winter? Of course not, she reminded herself, don’t be ridiculous. The thought however sent a chill up her spine.
No one would miss her. It’d be five days at least before anyone started looking for her. Even then, it wouldn’t do any good. There wasn’t a clue where she’d gone. Why hadn’t she told somebody? A mistake she would never make again, that was for sure.
Brandon had taken a break to start a venison pot roast along with vegetables. The savory aroma of roasting meat had quickly filled the cabin, making her stomach rumble in anticipation.
They spent the afternoon talking, playing cards and occasionally stepping out on the porch to watch Jake run through the snow. The entire afternoon had been nice, peaceful with a subtle undercurrent of sexual tension. Meagan smiled to herself. Not how she had planned to spend today.
.o0o.
Meagan’s hand brushed his as she passed him the plate to dry. It was the third time in the last three minutes and once again her heart raced and breath caught at the slight touch.
You want him, she admitted to herself. You want all of him.
Her body tingled standing next to him, like a live wire waiting to be energized. She couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think about anything but the idea of jumping on him and taking him right here, right now.
Wow, where had that come from? This wasn’t her. She was more the five date and we’ll see type of girl. Not the kind to jump into bed only a few hours after meeting a guy.
Swallowing hard, she pulled back on her racing emotions. Get a grip girl. The man hasn’t shown you the slightest interest. He’s been a perfect gentleman.
Don’t forget, he’s up here to get away from people like you. For all you know he’ll freak and toss you out into the snow.
Besides, there’d be no sneaking home in the early morning. No getting dressed and leaving before he woke up. Instead she’d have to stare at him across a breakfast table. Both of them thinking about what they’d done the night before.
Imagining the embarrassed looks passing between them helped her reign in her galloping libido.
Tomorrow, she reminded herself. She was going home tomorrow and would probably never see this man again.
If she wasn’t going to see him again, didn’t that mean she could be free, open to her true desires? She suddenly realized. The normal rules didn’t apply. Right?
The normal rules might not apply, but she had to be careful with her heart. She knew herself. She was the type of person who didn’t fall in love easily. When she did, she would fall hard. And with this man she knew one night together could well put her on the way to falling head over heels in love.
“When you come to town, I’ll have to buy you dinner. It’s the least I can do.” She said as she reached to give him another dish. He didn’t take it. Instead he stood their staring down into her eyes.
Feeling like a trapped deer caught in a truck’s headlights, Meagan stared back at him.
His gaze searched hers for a moment as he started to lean forward. He’s going to kiss me, she thought. Her heart jumping into overdrive as her mouth went dry.
Before she could think, her body reacted. Closing her eyes and tilting her head she leaned forward to meet him halfway.
His lips ignited a fire as they settled over hers. Creating an excitement that threatened to burn forever. Melting into his embrace she moaned with pure pleasure as she returned his kiss. He tasted like the outdoors, full of life and meaning.
All of her troubles, dilemmas and worries disappeared. There was only now, only him.
As his lips continued their gentle caress, his tongue probed, seeking entry. She opened for him, welcoming him as they slowly began to explore each other.
His hands came to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer, burning them into her awareness. Her own hands circled his waist and held on for dear life, as if her soul’s happiness depended upon it.
The hard muscles of his chest and broad shoulders made her go weak inside. Turning parts into soft longing, aching for his touch.
The heat continued to rise, getting hotter with each moan and caress. Was he going to take her here? Her body ached to be touched, held, and fondled. She desperately wanted to explore, taste, and experience every delicious hard muscle, every scar, wound, or imperfection. She wanted all of him.
No, she thought to herself. This was too much, too fast, too dangerous to her heart.
Fighting herself, she pulled back. Physically and emotionally. Careful, she thought. She needed to think this through. Needed space to evaluate and consider. Her body demanded she continue to hold on, but she pulled back.
Looking into his gorgeous blue eyes she tried to read what he was thinking. A brief expression of regret crossed his face, sending a warm shiver to her spine.
The lust in his eyes, the pure wanting and need made her feel powerful and alive. It tempted her to lean in and resume their passionate kiss. To take what she wanted. Then he smiled at her and cocked an eyebrow.
“I’ve wanted to do that since I found you last night,” he said.
Her heart melted. “Me too,” she answered with a shy smile. The room had grown unbelievably warm.
“You need to get off that foot. Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll finish these,” he said pointing to the few remaining dishes.
Meagan hesitated for a moment but decided a safe retreat was the smart move. Smiling her thanks, she limped to the chair and sat, rocking gently while watching him finish.
Brandon dried the last of the dishes, putting it away, he turned to her.
“Would you like a bath?” he asked. Where did that come from? she wondered. A bath sounded lovely, it’d been two days and she could feel herself starting the beginning of that gross stage.
“Yes, but how. Your bath doesn’t have a faucet?”
