by Richa Resa
“Eunice,” Nora said, raising my chin and making me look straight in her eyes. “I know you’re confused, but all I want is to look out for you. I know a part of you loves him, and I know it has been hard for you these past months. I know you can’t just let go of him like that, but I don’t want to see you get hurt again. He might love you a lot, but you can’t have him. I don’t want to see you go back to hurting yourself, and that is why I want you to let go. I want you to let go of that part of you that loves him the most.” She paused. Her words confused me. What did she mean when she said I can’t have him? I stared at her in disbelief. What was she asking me to do? The part of me that loved Joshua wanted to yell at her and hurt her, but I knew she was my friend.
“Nora…what…are you saying?” I asked.
“Eunice, just hear us out, okay? Just believe us,” Clarisse said, holding my hand. I didn’t know what was happening.
“We need you to let go of Joshua, Eunice. I am saying this for your own good. I can’t see you getting hurt or in pain anymore. I don’t want you to walk down the same path you did before. I want you to trust me, okay? Joshua left you in the morning, right?” Nora asked. I nodded in affirmation.
“Eunice, I don’t know what game he’s playing at or whether he’s playing a game at all. I don’t know what he’s doing, but I can’t trust that man, not anymore. I wanted to tell you this as soon as we knew about it, but I thought them to be rumors. I didn’t want to hurt you or make you remember the past. Clarisse and I both looked into the matter, and the rumors seem to be true.” She looked worried and looked at me with sympathy.
“What are you talking about, Nora?” I asked hastily. I grew more worried by the second.
“Eunice…Anne is pregnant with Joshua’s child,” Clarisse said, making everything go silent. I sat there with wide eyes, looking at them. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to say. I could hear my heart being crushed once again. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. I couldn’t feel as much pain after bearing so much. My world stopped. Everything came to a halt.
I am sorry, Eunice. Joshua’s words hit me. He was sorry for this, he left me for her. He went to her. He had hurt me once again. Nora was right. I couldn’t have him back ever because I knew one thing—Joshua would never choose me over his kid. Maybe this was the end of us. We were never meant to be together, and I needed to accept that. I was already torn and there was nothing left. This news made me go numb. I was devoid of emotions. I could feel the numbness spreading through my veins. I could feel a shield forming around my crushed heart. I was protecting what was left of me. I needed to protect my last fragments. My heart needed to be preserved, and I was building a wall of emotions to keep what was left of me.
“Eunice! Eunice, are you all right?” Both of my friends were crouched down on the floor in front of me. I don’t know what came over me, but the next words slipped through my mouth, shocking them and myself. Minutes passed as I stood, appalled.
“I want a divorce,” I breathed out. “I need a divorce,” I said, louder than before…
Chapter 18
Joshua
A day later…
I wanted to laugh at myself, at my twisted fate, at my fucked up mind. I messed up bad, too badly. Anne was pregnant and the child was mine. She had papers of her pregnancy telling she was two months along. She was ready for me to have a paternity test. I knew I had fucked up a lot. I didn’t have a chance with Eunice anymore. There could never be an us. I had to pay for my mistakes. I couldn’t let that unborn child suffer because of his fucked up father. I knew when Eunice learned of this news it would crush her, but I couldn’t do anything. I was a sick bastard and I had to pay for my own mistakes.
I was still hurting Eunice when I promised not to. I still wanted her, but I knew I couldn’t have her anymore. She was a like a distant star for me that I could see from far away but could never have. The time to gain her forgiveness and get her back was ripped away. I still felt disappointed when she was gone, but what should a bastard like me expect? What good would I have done? I just would have had to break the news that I had impregnated another woman. All I could do was bring her pain. Sometimes I wish I would have never met her so she wouldn’t have to be unhappy from the misery I bring to her. I had cooped myself up in my office since last evening. It was hard to stay in that house, hard to live with her smell on my sheets. I was reminded of my own disgrace, a disappointment of a husband, unfaithful to the one I loved the most.
I was pulled out of my thoughts with the whooshing sound of the door opening; it swung wide open, harshly. I knew it wasn’t Serena; she wouldn’t do that for sure. It might be Alex, wanting to tell me something I already knew, that I was a bloody bastard. I looked up and it was a shock to see Nora standing there. She was a woman who should be feared by anyone she didn’t like, and I knew she held a lot of hatred for me.
“Hello, Joshua,” she said in a sweetly sick way while her lips twitched in a dangerous smirk. She was in her lawyer pose for sure. She hated me and it oozed from her in waves. She had a dangerous spark in her eyes that told me she was here to destroy me.
“Nora.” I made sure to sound normal, while inside I was scared to death, her whole demeanor gave me chills.
“Oh, so you know who I am? Aww, isn’t that nice to know that a bastard like you remembers me. Someone. Who. Forgot. About. His. Own. Wife,” she said, making sure I heard every single word. She was dangerous. She sat down in front of me while giving me a stern glare. Her eyes told me she was purely disgusted by me, as I was at myself.
“So, you don’t have anything to say in your defense?” she asked.
“No, I do deserve your hatred. You are Eunice’s best friend, someone who would have made sure I would never hurt her. I bet you would have made my life a living hell if you even had a hint what was going on.” I laughed sadly as I spoke the last sentence. It wasn’t a laugh of happiness or joy; it was a laugh at myself. I made her like this. My wrong hatred and fucked up mind made her keep secrets.
“You made her keep secrets, act happy in front of me, hide her pain. She told me everything, you know. Never did hide anything, told me about losing her unborn child after her accident that day. She was devastated to know that she had lost two of her kids just in a day, in the blink of an eye. She blamed herself for weeks after the funeral. She looked for your help, but you just weren’t there, Joshua. You shunned her like she was dirt on the floor. I thought I understood you. You were hurt, in pain, and I thought I got it. If only I could have understood the hatred behind your eyes, behind your negligence and ignorance, maybe then I could have saved her. I could have saved her from the misery of enduring such pain for so long. I would have made sure that before you could have hurt her, she was out of your claws and your very existence. But I failed and I regret that. I’m guilty of the fact that I couldn’t see through her happy façade. I wish I could have saved her from you in time,” she said, her voice thick with regret and anger.
She was right. I had shunned her, I had believed the lie I sowed in my mind. I let myself get fucked up and dragged Eunice into my fucked up world. If only I could have stopped myself, maybe then I could have saved both of us from this devastation. Maybe then we could have had a chance.
“I am sorry, Nora,” I breathed. “That’s all I can say to you, and even Eunice and the rest of the world. I don’t have anything that could show the regret and guilt I hold. I can’t take back the pain I gave her, if I could I would have switched places with her. I can’t give you anything more than a sorry, Nora. I can’t give anyone anything besides me being sorry and guilty for being who I am.” It was the bitter truth I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t give anyone more than a sorry. I told her this deep truth with my head hung low.
“All you can say is sorry, Joshua! Just a sorry to me, to Eunice and to everyone else. Does that compensate for what Eunice suffered? Do you know about the humiliation she has been suffering for the past few months? While your mistress Anne
has been gaining respect in others’ eyes, Eunice has been snubbed by everyone besides her parents, being named as a disgraceful wife. A wife who couldn’t please her husband. She is the one who still suffers because of your mistakes. You just added the salt in her wounds by getting Anne pregnant.” She said those last words so dangerously that I could feel goose bumps over my skin. “Do you know what will be the next humiliating and distasteful thing those people will tell Eunice, Joshua?” she asked, boiling with anger as she hovered over my desk, intimidating me. I was hurt to know the aftermath of my fucked up brain. People said things and raised fingers against her while I sat in my own misery. She was aching so bad and yet I didn’t acknowledge the extent of destruction I had caused.
“They will say she couldn’t even give you a child, and that is why you left her. The reason she couldn’t give you a child made you leave her, made you fall in someone else’s arms, and the worst part is that you and Anne will be considered right. You both won’t have to fight through the accusations while she will have to. You know what sucks the most, Joshua?” she demanded.
“Eunice suffers for your mistake. She always does and always will. She is the one who has to bear with this god-damn society’s accusations and she will just keep on suffering and suffering because of you. Your every mistake and decision affects her. It hurts her and leaves a deep scar on her heart. While you sit all cooped up in these four walls, Eunice had to bear these accusations, hide from her own family gatherings to escape from those dirty accusations. You destroyed her, Joshua, you did.” Her words hit me home, making a scar on my heart. My decisions and mistakes had always affected her. They always will. I was still destroying her when I wished to save her. I couldn’t do anything.
“I am sorry,” I whispered, my head hung low while tears welled in my eyes.
“All you can do is say sorry, Joshua,” she laughed out in anger. “But what else you could do? However, I have something for you. Something from Eunice actually, something she asked me to do.” She took out envelopes from her bag. Placing them on the table, she pushed them towards me. Tears threatened to spill once more. I had the gist of what was coming, of what laid in there in those envelopes. It wasn’t something good. Nora’s next words just ensured my guess was right.
“These are divorce papers. Eunice had me make them on her own conditions. You know what was the most awkward thing, Joshua? Just minutes before saying those words she was telling me all about how sorry you were. How you both could have a second chance. Just minutes back, but when we broke the news of Anne’s pregnancy to her, the next words she said were that she wanted a divorce. She grew numb, into a shell, void of emotions. I guess that was the last straw for her. It would be really great if you could sign those papers. Maybe it would be a great way of showing your remorse and regret for destroying Eunice. The least you can do is end this legalized part of your relationship because the rest of it you destroyed yourself.”
So this was it. This was the end of our relationship, something I had bought upon myself. I was a very unlucky man, I couldn’t even fight for my own wife, couldn’t make her stay, and that too because of my own mistakes.
Those tears I had been holding for so long rolled down my cheeks. She knew and she acted on it. She knew about Anne’s pregnancy and I knew it would be a deep wound on her heart. I was a man with nothing in my life. I couldn’t be back with my wife because I had hurt her so deeply. I would never see her smile and be the center of her universe again. I had ruined all my chances with her because of Anne’s pregnancy. An unborn child was just keeping me alive, he kept me alive besides my will to see Eunice happy. I wanted to see that she was happy, to see her smile. Her happiness was my will to live. Knowing that someone else could make her happy hurt me, stabbed me in my heart, but she deserved happiness after what I was making her go through. I wanted to stop hurting her, I wanted to stop her pain. If this divorce could release her from some of the pain, then I would do it even if it hurt me deep.
“These are your rings. She gave them to me, to give back to you. They don’t hold any more meaning for her. Your vows were already broken, and the only thing left was a little hope that was fully extinguished after Anne’s news of pregnancy.” The small envelope burned my hand. It felt like the rings were the holy water and I was a monster, a demon being burned by it. I opened the envelope, letting the two rings fall on the palm of my hand while tears rolled down my cheeks. The wedding band and the engagement ring felt so heavy that it crushed me. I looked at my own wedding band and it burned me. I bought this upon myself, upon my own marriage.
“Just sign these papers, Joshua, and free her from your hold. Your crying won’t solve anything. She needs to survive in this world and move on. I can’t see her going through any more pain. So please sign these papers. She isn’t asking you for anything, she just wants to be left alone. It is me and her parents who have to build her back into the old Eunice and bring her out of the shell she has hidden herself in. Her life is filled with pain, Joshua. Even in her future, I have to make her strong to get through it. But before everything I need her to get rid of you and your memories, Joshua. So do me a favor by signing these papers. We will meet within few days if you sign, or I will have to drag you to the court for her sake. Hope you do, it’s for the best,” she said with a stern tone. Straightening herself up, she turned around and walked away. Tears fell right there on my palm, on the rings, making a hole in my heart which filled with immense pain. This was our end, the end of me and Eunice. I wouldn’t ever get back the love I lost, I would never wake up next to her, and I would never have the chance for her to be mine once again.
“You know, Joshua,” Nora said, standing at my office door, snapping me from my self-pitying train of thoughts. Her eyes were glistening with tears. “I kept her safe from the dark world outside. I warned her about the dangers on the street, I was there with her on the nights when she was scared of storms. I kept my best friend safe. I kept her away from the wrong people, company, and drugs, from those monsters who could hurt her and take her way and also from the approaching storms. Yet I failed, Joshua. Want to know why?” she asked me as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Because I couldn’t save her from the danger of that green-eyed man who stole her heart and crushed it away. I was unable to warn her about the dangers of falling in love with a man with green eyes. Now she is broken, hurt, and destroyed, and I blame myself for it because I couldn’t warn her about you. I couldn’t warn about the storm behind those green orbs. I had kept her away from drugs and warned her about them. Yet I forgot to warn her about the drug of a green-eyed monster with a handsome face. I deeply regret not being able to save her from you and your addiction,” she said.
This Nora wasn’t intimidating, but unhappy and sad.
“Goodbye, Joshua.” Nora walked out of the door, leaving me crying with my mind and soul crushed by regret, guilt, and pain. I did this to Eunice. I destroyed her more than myself. Now she was all alone even when she had everyone around her.
I was that storm who lured her in and destroyed her very being…
Now we both are lost…
We stood on the last strand of love, where I kept hurting her again and again, with every wound deeper than the one before…
Chapter 19
Eunice
I looked at the swarm of people walking through the lobby doors. I waited for Nora to come down, so we could be on our way to end my marriage for once and for all. The smiling faces of people, the laughter of the children, the love of a mother, a loving couple didn’t make me feel anything like they used to most of the time. I was numb from the inside, void of emotions of love and happiness. I could feel some another type of emotion swirling inside of me. Anger it was, I was angry at my fate, angry at him, angry at myself for being weak, for loving someone too much.
Maybe it was rightly said that the person who cares the most is the one to be hurt badly in the end, and by the one for whom they cared the most. Knowing about Anne’s
pregnancy changed something. It made me lose all hope to save my marriage and my Joshua once and for all. We were over. I had suspected that he would choose Anne over me, and why not? She was giving him something that I had taken away from him, a child. He was always going to choose his child over me, I knew it very well and that was why he was ready to go through the divorce procedure easily. It didn’t hurt knowing that he was giving me up so easily. A part of me was glad that at last I was going to be done with him. The things I had suffered in this marriage had made me lose so many things. This life of mine had been filled with pain and sadness making me so accustomed to the hurt that I couldn’t even feel pain anymore.
Fights, accusations, verbal abuse—these things had torn me internally. I felt unfazed by whatever others had to say about me. They didn’t know the truth, but I did. I never used to be like this. I had been caring, loving and filled with life before our loss turned him against me.
“You ready, girl?” Nora’s voice took me from my train of thoughts. She and Clarisse both had been taking care of me like I was a child. There wasn’t much space for me to be alone; either I was engrossed in work or my friends stayed close by. I guess they were scared that I might break like before, but how would I when I didn’t feel the wave of heart-wrenching pain in me, when I didn’t find myself being stabbed? A broken person can’t break more and a dead person can’t die again. That was me—dead from the inside.
