Every so often, their eyes met, and she found her heart reacting in ways she hadn’t allowed before—racing, quivering, stopping, and starting. Still, she’d told him many times over that a relationship between them couldn’t work; it wouldn’t be fair to John, particularly since he’d been suspicious of something between them before his death. How could she ever in good conscience permit herself to give her heart to another man, especially Jason? No matter how long and hard she tried, she couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea. Besides, she still had lingering, unresolved questions in her mind regarding the accident, questions to which she had to find answers before she could move forward with her healing.
Soon, she would put Meagan and Johnny to bed. Perhaps, tonight, the Lord would give her courage to ask them.
Chapter 24
Jason knew he’d overstayed his welcome. There he sat on the sofa with Rachel, two feet separating them. The kids had been tucked in bed and prayed over, the TV showed a crime drama he was in no mood to watch, and she was fidgeting with her shirt hem, staring at the screen and probably wishing he’d leave.
“Well—,” they said in unison.
Glancing at his watch and seeing it was 9:10, he pressed his hands to his knees in preparation to stand up. “I guess I should go.”
“Jay.”
“Yes?”
“About the accident.”
His heart took a dive as a wave of irritation came over him. “What about it?”
“I was just…I don’t know…thinking about it a while ago. I still have questions.”
He tightened his grip on his knees. “Don’t we all, Rach? Will you ever let it go?”
“Probably not. I mean, not as long as I have questions.”
“Then you’ll never find peace.”
“You were there. I wasn’t,” she said, her tone defensive. “You’ve never told me…everything.”
“What do you mean? I don’t know what else I can tell you.”
“I want more details.” Her voice held resolve and a kind of grit, as if she’d been dwelling on the matter all night; as if her mind had been filled with gnawing questions, even as she’d smiled, laughed, and seemed to enjoy watching him play with her kids. Did she still blame him, even though she’d adamantly denied it?
He sighed, resigning himself to the thought that she would never be satisfied. “What do you want to know?”
She reached for the remote, turned off the TV, and shifted her body to face him. “Well, you said that you and John didn’t talk on the plane, but did you talk before you went skiing—once you got to Colorado, I mean?”
He let his mind wander back to that day. It’d been a while since he’d visited that place, but now the memory came back afresh. He sucked in a cavernous breath, released his grip on his knees, and fell back against the soft cushion, slowly letting out the air. “We had lunch before we hit the slopes. That’s where our discussion started, and it grew more heated as the day wore on.”
“What happened, exactly? How did the conversation go? You’ve never told me.”
He wondered about the wisdom of giving her the details now, but, doggone it, she asked for it, and maybe it would help to tie things up for her—at least partially. “This isn’t going to bring John back, you know,” he whispered.
She gave him a dumbfounded stare. “I know that.”
He frowned with concern. “What I mean is, if you’re looking for a pat answer as to why it happened, desperately searching for one last puzzle piece to solve the mystery, then I can’t help you. I’m as mystified as you, Rachel.”
She laced her fingers together and bent her head, studying them. “I’m well aware of that, but I would still like to know what you talked about.”
“All right, then. He told me you had fought, but he didn’t expound on the argument; he just said he’d left you in a fit of anger. I felt uncomfortable asking him for details because I thought for sure you two would settle it when he got home. But then, he asked me flat out if I still had romantic feelings for you. I was stunned. Mad, really. In fact, I freaked out on him.”
Her lips parted, and she gripped the arm of the sofa with white knuckles. “What did you tell him?”
“The truth.”
“Which was?” she pushed.
“Rachel, I never could have betrayed my brother’s trust. I told him the truth. I carried no torch for you.” He sniffed. “He didn’t believe me, though. There we were, sitting in the hotel restaurant; I’m trying to enjoy my lunch, and he’s accusing me of trying to steal you away from him.”
“Did he really say that?”
“Not in so many words, but he definitely implied it. He asked me why I hadn’t fought harder for you in those early days of our friendship.” He sought her eyes now and found their blue depths glittering with interest. “My brother loved you, Rachel, more than you’ll ever know.”
She swallowed. “I have no doubt about that.”
He felt a half grin pop out when a memory flashed unexpectedly into his thoughts. “Do you happen to remember my getting a black eye in high school?”
“Vaguely, I guess. Why?”
“You and I were seniors, and John was a sophomore at Michigan State. He’d come home for the weekend to see you and to watch my final game. You and he were in the stands together. Later that night, Mom and Dad were in bed; he’d returned home from a date with you, and he and I sat up watching reruns. We were goofing off, throwing popcorn at each other, talking about stupid stuff, and somehow during the course of our antics I blurted out that I still had a crush on you.”
It looked as if her eyes might pop out of their sockets. “You did? I mean—you did? How’d he take it?”
“How do you think? That black eye, which I told everyone, my parents included, came from a tussle on the field with Curt Brower, really resulted from John’s fist.”
She gasped and covered her gaping mouth. “Oh, my goodness! You’re kidding. Did you hit him back?”
“Not really. We rolled around a little bit, he threatened to kill me, and that about ended it. He packed a punch, let me tell you.”
“Did Dad ever find out?”
“No way. Somehow, I knew saying I’d gotten in the way of Curt’s elbow during the game would sit a lot better with my dad than telling him my brother slugged me.”
At this, they shared a brief chuckle. He sobered first. “Don’t think I wasn’t tempted to flatten his nose, but what I did instead was accept the inevitable—that he had won you over, and I wasn’t to interfere. Deep down, I knew retaliation could do irreparable damage to our relationship. Besides, Dad would have killed me if he’d learned we had a regular knockdown fight in the living room—and over John’s girl. Shoot, I was already out of his good graces, and I didn’t need another shenanigan to lower me even further in his eyes.”
They shared a short-lived laugh before he continued. “If you want the truth, that was the turning point for John and me. After that, we seemed to rub each other the wrong way, no matter how much I tried to right the situation. I’d admitted having feelings for you, and he couldn’t forget it.
“So, anyway, that fight came up at lunch. He asked if I remembered it, and I couldn’t lie. And he said, ‘So, you still want her, don’t you?’ I told him no, of course not; I was serious about Candace, for crying out loud. Of course, he told me I’d never marry her, and he was right about that. He never mentioned that you’d told him about our kissing in your grandpa’s barn just days before your wedding. That must have been eating a terrible hole through his gut.”
“I feel sad about that.” Her misty eyes revealed deep, unsettled emotions. “What happened after that?”
“Not much. We both left the table angry and hit the mountain. I’ll tell you, Rachel, I was seething inside. He wasn’t himself, and it made me mad. I hadn’t saved all that money for a trip with my brother so I could spend it fighting over his wife. In fact, I tried to convince him to call you and make things right, but he was acting plain st
ubborn and refused.”
A little sob slipped past her throat, tempting him to reach for her hand, but he sat there as still as an ancient statue, deciding it was best to keep his distance. Going to her now would only weaken both their defenses. “He could be so stubborn, but then, so could I,” she said. “Yes, I wanted to settle matters before he took off on that trip; I wanted to apologize profusely. But I also wanted him to ask forgiveness for calling me fat and unattractive.”
“He didn’t mean any of that stuff, Rach. He was so proud of you for carrying little John. Before our trip, when we were in the planning stages, and before you two had fought, he told me how excited he was about having a son and how much he loved you.”
“He did?” Her misty eyes brightened like blue fluorescent lightbulbs. “Thanks for telling me, Jay.”
They sat there for a time, wrapped in private thoughts. Jason stared at the ceiling with his legs stretched out before him, his hands clasped behind his head. Finally, he broke the silence. “If it’s any consolation, I think he would have called you in a day or two. He never was happy staying mad. Even when we were kids, he was always the first to apologize and suggest making up after a fight. Looking back, I think he was angrier with himself than anybody else—furious, really—for letting it reach that point between the two of you. I wish he had told me he knew about the kiss. I could have made things right with him on that score, and he would have called you after that. I just needed one more day, Rach. That would have cinched it.” He swallowed hard, surprised when wet tears filled the corners of his eyes and started to seep out. It’d been forever since he’d cried. “One more day,” he muttered to the ceiling, wiping his eyes.
Rachel reached out and touched his arm, which he experienced as a sort of spark. “I know,” she murmured. “What happened on the mountain, Jay? Tell me.”
He rubbed his eyes, quickly regaining composure. “More of the same. He wouldn’t let it go; kept pushing me, drilling me, questioning every event leading up to his marriage and everything after.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, for example, when you and I were juniors in high school and he was a freshman in college, he came home in October, and we all went on a canoe trip with the church youth group. Remember that?”
She nodded and looked away. “Gosh, I haven’t thought about that in ages.”
“Yeah, well, apparently, you and I had more fun together than you and John—at least, from his perspective. I don’t remember too much about it, except that you and I both jumped in the water and swam to shore while he maneuvered the canoe to the dock on his own. He said we were flirting the entire day.”
“We weren’t!” she blurted out, then quieted with a panicked look. “Or were we?”
He chuckled. “Could’ve been, I guess. Shoot, how should I know? I was a sixteen-year-old kid with out-of-control hormones. No telling what I was doing that day. It just mystified me that John would bring it up in the midst of our argument. It told me one thing—he was grasping for proof.”
She sighed and twisted her face into a tight little frown. “Well, you did kiss me before my wedding.”
His defenses sprang up with a vengeance. “And you allowed it, my dear lady.”
“I know. I don’t deny that. It made me question things.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”
“No, it’s fine. After I was married to him for several years, there was no doubt I’d made the right decision. I loved him with all my heart.”
And you still do.
He thought that would be the end of it, but then she pushed for more. “Why exactly did he take Devil’s Run?”
“Rach, I’ve told you before, I can’t answer that question. It’s something I ask myself all the time. I tried talking him out of it, believe me.”
“I do, Jay, I do.” Her voice softened, even as it cracked. “I’ve thought about it myself, and I think he must have been trying to prove himself to you—somehow show you he was the better man for having won me. Does that make sense? Obviously, my confession rocked his sense of security and self-esteem. That makes me feel so terrible.”
“Well, it’s over now, and there’s nothing more to be said about it. I’m sorry it happened, Rachel—so, so sorry.” More tears threatened to fall, so he swallowed them back as best he could. Good grief! He had to go before he started blubbering.
Again, he put his hands on his knees and prepared to stand. She touched his arm once more, and additional shock waves rocketed through his veins. “Thanks, Jay. I’m glad we talked. I will try to put it to rest now.”
Try. Big word, he mused. She kept her hand on his arm. What was she doing to him? He stared at her slender fingers gently clenching, heard the intake and outtake of her uneven breaths. He decided to stand, and when he did, she shot up, as well, as if someone had lit a fire right under her little behind.
“You’re welcome,” he said with clogged throat while staring down at her, their bodies inches apart, her golden hair mussed in an attractive way. “I guess we both needed it. I didn’t know it would affect me so much, though—you know, talking about it—but it was good.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “It’s good to get those emotions out of you, especially if you’ve been burying them.” Had he?
He should have backed away, but instead he kept his eyes trained on her delicate face. Instinctively, he lifted her chin with his index finger. Something like a jolt of current flashed between them. She challenged him with her azure eyes.
Lord, what game is she playing here?
Without any thought about the ramifications, he reached a hand behind her neck and drew her to him. Then, slowly, giving her an opportunity to retreat, he touched his lips to hers, gently, softly at first, then building in intensity and passion. She lifted earnest arms to encircle the broadest part of his back, which only prompted him to wrap her in a warm, protective embrace.
God, how I love this woman.
The kiss continued and could have gone on indefinitely, but he knew his limitations and was well aware of the pounding in his chest, not to mention his strong need of her. It went beyond reason, beyond anything he’d ever before experienced, far beyond any teenage fantasy he’d ever had, or even his previous feelings for Candace.
Lord, wash me anew and prepare me for the priceless gift of this lady, he prayed silently. Don’t let me blow it with her. Give me the wisdom to make right choices and discern Your leading. I don’t want to get ahead of You, God.
As quickly as the kiss had begun, it ended when he took a step back and dropped his hands to his sides. Obvious disappointment washed across her face, but he didn’t care. He had a newfound agenda and he meant to follow it.
“I’d better go, Rach,” he whispered huskily. He hadn’t planned to kiss her, but he decided against trying to explain it. Better to leave her wanting more. He needed to know if there was a chance for them, so he would leave it to her to make the next move. After all, she’d been the one insisting they maintain their distance.
He walked to the closet and took his jacket, quickly slipping into it and throwing his scarf around his neck. Rachel followed him to the door, her arms dangling at her side, her face unsure. Good. He liked seeing her in that uneasy, fretful state. It meant the kiss had made an impact on her.
“Are you…um, coming back again? Meagan and Johnny love seeing you.”
He tipped his chin down and fought back a grin. “Meagan and Johnny, huh?”
“Well, I—I enjoyed seeing you, too.”
So, was that her way of inviting him back? “I don’t know,” he said with as much nonchalance as he could muster. “Probably not anytime soon. Work will be picking up again.”
Her face noticeably dropped, and his heart leaped, but he maintained calm. “Rachel, you said yourself it wouldn’t work between us, remember? Do you still believe that?”
She bit her lower lip, and her shoulders went up and down in a tiny, noncommittal shrug.
Her nod came off weak and unsure. Leaving was the toughest decision he’d made in a long while, but he had no qualms about doing it. Until she made a wholehearted commitment to love him without reservations, he would not kiss her again or go out of his way to see her.
She left him no alternative.
Chapter 25
Rachel flipped the calendar to February, albeit two weeks late. Short, cold, sunless days became sparser as the daylight lengthened and the temperatures climbed ever so gradually. Southern Michigan reported unseasonably warm temperatures and an early thaw, while temperatures in Fairmount hovered in the thirties but one day reached a mild forty-four degrees. The sun had showed itself a record three days in a row, lifting the spirits of northerners accustomed to winters lingering until late April. Of course, the mercury rising made ski resort operators unhappy, since their source of income depended on frigid readings and plenty of snowfall. Yes, they fired up the snowmakers when needed, but any true enthusiast would avow that the man-made stuff didn’t compare to Mother Nature’s yield.
Rachel filled her days with household chores, meal preparations, Bible study, running the children back and forth to preschool and elsewhere, and visiting her parents and in-laws. One night, Allie insisted on going out for dinner and a movie. Rachel objected at first, claiming she couldn’t expect the grandparents to babysit every time the urge to venture out hit. So, Allie took it upon herself to arrange and pay for a babysitter, a teenage girl in the church youth group she often employed.
It was February 13—“Valentine’s Day Eve,” as Allie put it. Though she had plans with her husband on Valentine’s Day, she insisted on being Rachel’s “date” on this particular Wednesday night. Rachel hadn’t heard from Jason in more than two weeks. Afraid to ask Donna whether he’d called or visited, she’d simply learned to accept the apparent reality that he didn’t plan to call her. She missed him, but swallowing her pride and taking the first step to let him know it felt awkward. Did he really expect her to do that? The notion tied her heart into a huge knot. Worse was the memory of that last, searing kiss.
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