by J. S. Cooper
I breathed in and out, like the doctor had told me to do. Everything would be okay. I just needed to focus. It was strange being back in Jonesville. It was like going back to watch an old movie from childhood. On first appearance, everything was similar and the same and then, the more you observed and listened, the more you wondered if you had ever really seen the movie before.
My dad had been happy to see me home. It was an election year and I was going to be a great boost to his campaign. He had already asked me to attend some town hall meetings with him. He wanted everyone to see that his son had returned from war, from serving his country. And, of course, they would all come, because they loved me. I was Bryce Evans, football star, and son of the mayor. I could do no wrong in anyone’s eyes. I truly was the golden boy—or so they thought. They had no idea that, behind my blue eyes and blond hair, I was someone no one really knew. That behind my handsome face, there was a man who was ashamed of so many things.
After a few minutes, I lifted my head and sat upright in my car. I looked around it with a quick smile. It was as I remembered it—musty, cool, secretive. Dad had given me this Mustang when I got my driver’s license. I had lost my virginity in this car. I had smoked my first joint in this car. And I had turned down a full ride to Notre Dame in this car. Sometimes I felt like this car was my home.
I was glad to see that Dad hadn’t sold it when I went away. He had been so mad at me, so distraught that I had turned down a full ride and a spot on the football team at Notre Dame to join the Marines. He couldn’t believe that I was one of the few, the proud, the brave, and the courageous. No one had understood why I had made the decision. But maybe that was because I had never told anyone why.
I suppose it was because it was a decision I had never thought I was going to make. I had pretty much had my bags packed for Notre Dame until that night. I had had my life outlined, mapped in my head. I knew who I was, where I was going and I didn’t care who got caught up in my web. I was the golden boy to everyone in Jonesville, but I had had a dark side.
I suppose it was inevitable that someone like me, who had been given so much, would turn out the way that I did. At least, that was what the doctor had said. But at least I had realized the path I was on before it was too late. That night I made a decision that changed my life. I had to.
But it didn’t make me proud or happy. It didn’t make me think I was a good man. It only emphasized to me just how fucked up I was. And I was reliving those emotions all over again.
Why had I gone to Steak N Shake? I had known, as soon as I entered the restaurant, that something was different. And when I had turned around and seen her face, I had felt panicked. She had been staring at me like she knew everything. I couldn’t face her, so I had turned around quickly, heart straining from the pressure. I knew that I was going into panic mode as soon as I felt my body go cold. I had had to walk out of the restaurant quickly. I suppose I’m a sucker for drama, because I had walked past her table and smiled. She had looked at me like a lost lamb.
I was mad at myself for saying hi. I should have ignored her. But I couldn’t. Her brown eyes had stared at me with the same look they had had that night, all those years ago.
I felt like she knew. Which I knew wasn’t possible. There was no way that she could have known. For all I knew, she thought of me as her savior. That was how the evening had gone down after all. I had looked like the golden boy once again. But it had been my entire fault in the first place. But she had looked at me that night with such innocence and trust. That look had struck at my heart. It had pierced my hurt, evil veil and awakened me. And I thought that perhaps I had been given a second chance to make everything all right. And then the accident had happened. At least, they said it was an accident. I didn’t think it was. And that was my fault as well. And it was then that I knew I had to give my life. It was the least I could do. I had to go away and fight for my country and if I died, that would have been the least I could have done to atone for what I had done.
It had been a mistake for me to come back to Jonesville. It had brought back too many memories, memories I had spent the last four years trying to rid myself of. Only, the dull pain that lit up my heart was accompanied by something else, a strange emotion that I didn’t recognize. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out again. Darkness and then her face greeted me. The face that had haunted me every night of my stay away from this place. I couldn’t believe that I had seen her. Lexi Lord. The girl who had turned my world upside down.
My ringing phone interrupted me from my dark thoughts and I sighed when I saw Suzannah’s name. “Hello?” I tried to keep my tone upbeat.
“Bryce?” she giggled. I had no idea what was so funny.
“Yes?” I wasn’t going to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her know I knew it was her.
“It’s Suzannah.”
I didn’t answer and there was a moment of silence. “Your girlfriend.” She giggled again. “Well, your ex-girlfriend.”
“Oh, hi Suzannah.” I kept my tone polite.
“I heard you’re back in town?” Giggle.
“Yes.”
“You didn’t call?”
“Why would I call you?” My tone was not so pleasant. I couldn’t believe that she had the gall to act upset. She is the one who never once wrote me a letter or called me once I shipped off to boot camp. As soon as I announced I wasn’t going to Notre Dame, she had pretty much dumped me. I guess a boyfriend in the military hadn’t been a part of her plan.
“Oh Bryce, don’t be silly,” she giggled. “We loved each other once.”
I sighed and kept my mouth shut. Who was I to ruin her dream of the past? I wanted to tell her that sex wasn’t love, but I knew that was unkind and I was trying very hard to not be that person.
“Can I help you, Suzannah?”
“Well, Mary told me that your dad is going to have a party and I was wondering if you would be comfortable with me coming?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” My question was legitimate. It had been four years. I was over her betrayal by now. In fact, I was glad that she hadn’t waited for me.
“I’m sorry about Eddie.”
“It doesn’t matter.” My jaw clenched as she mentioned his name.
“Bryce, I hope you don’t blame me.” Her voice was serious now.
“Look, Suzannah. I don’t mind if you come to the party, okay? But I have to go.”
“Can I call you later?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” I sighed and hung up. I rubbed my throbbing temples and sighed. It had been a mistake coming back to Jonesville. A huge mistake. I had never planned on it. When I left, I had sworn that I would never go back again. But I couldn’t stop myself. Not when the letters had stopped coming. I knew I had to come back to town and find out whom the sender of the letters had been. Who the girl of my dreams was. The one who seemed to understand what it was like to be lost and lonely on the inside when everyone thought you had it together on the outside. I had no name to go by as she had signed her letters simply as Miss and I had no street address as she had used a PO Box.
My first mission was going to be trying to get the name of the person the PO Box belonged to and to take it from there. I had to know who the girl was who had made things bearable for me at war. Who the girl was who had crushed me when she had stopped writing. I’d sent exactly ten letters, that had gone unanswered, before I had given up. Part of me was scared that she had died, or that something bad had happened to her. I just wanted to make sure that she was okay.
At least, that was what I had told myself. Part of me thought I was in love with her. Though I’d never seen her. She had seemed to understand me, the real me. It was if she wouldn’t judge me for anything. I had wanted to tell her what had happened all those years ago. With Eddie. And with Lexi Lord. I had thought she could do what the marines and war hadn’t been able to do; allow me the opportunity to move on with my life. Allow me to see that I could forgive myself.
I had decided
to come back to Jonesville because I needed to know who she was. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to look into her eyes and to thank her. And so, here I was, back in a town that was ready to welcome me back with open arms. I was treated like more of a hero than I was before I left.
I was the Golden Boy incarnate. I could do no wrong. It was a weird feeling having everyone love me. Everyone wanting to be me. Everyone watching me with awe and admiration. I had the perfect life. That’s what they all thought. Bryce Evans, the golden child. But they didn’t know what really went on; what happened behind closed doors; what existed behind my big, blue eyes. They didn’t know that there existed in me a hate so strong that I was capable of doing very bad things.
I looked at the clock on my dashboard and sighed. I had to go home now. I knew that my parents would be waiting for me. My loving mother was beyond ecstatic that I was home and in one piece. She lived for me and I had broken her heart when I had gone away. She had written me faithfully, every day. I knew that she lived for my responses just like she had lived for my games, and my report cards and my college acceptances. Sometimes I just wanted to shake her, to see if I could get through to her. I wanted to scream and shout and tell her to get a life. To tell her that I wasn’t worth it. That the pills weren’t worth it. That we all knew that the water she sipped all day was vodka. But she was my mother and so I didn’t.
All my life people had envied me being the Mayor’s son. Not just because my dad was the mayor, but because he was charismatic, rich and funny and he captured people in his spell. My doctor said that he was the root of all of my problems. The catalyst to that night. That, if I hadn’t found out what he was doing, I wouldn’t have done what I did. Lexi Lord wouldn’t have been a target.
Whenever I thought of her, I wanted to forget everything. She probably didn’t even know who I was. She and her friends weren’t caught up in the drama that was Jonesville High. She was special. And I had nearly ruined that. Nearly ruined her. And for what? As I drove into my driveway and turned off the car, I knew that I had to make things right. Ultimately, the only person who could do that would be Lexi. No matter the cost to me, I had to speak to her, even if she had no idea who I was asides from the night. I needed to absolve things properly. Going to war had been the coward’s way of trying to fix things. I needed to do it right this time.
I bit my lip as I thought about what I should do next. And then it hit me. What better way than to invite her to my party? She may think an invitation out of the blue was odd though. I had three days to figure out a way to get her to my party without it looking suspicious.
I jumped out of my car with a vigor I hadn’t felt since being back in town. I had a plan and I hoped that I was making the right decision bringing everything up again.
Chapter 3
“Are you going to tell Luke?” Anna grinned at me as we pulled into my driveway.
“Well, duh.” I grinned and played with my long blonde hair as I jumped out of the car. “There is no way that I can keep this a secret.”
“Keep what a secret?” Luke looked out of his window and I groaned.
“You are a serious stalker, Luke Bryan,” I laughed up at him.
“I’ve been waiting on you to get home and so I had my window open.” He laughed and I noticed his black hair flopping across his eyes. “Now stay there and I will be right down.”
“Okay, stalker,” I shouted and Anna and I went and sat on the swing chair on the front porch.
“You are soo lucky that you live next door to Luke.” She smiled at me and, before I could answer, a big golden dog came leaping on me.
“Bongo!” I screamed as the dog sat in my lap and slobbered my face. “Luke Bryan, come and get your dog.”
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he laughed. “Bongo, down boy, down.” Bongo didn’t even turn his face but continued to leave saliva all down my face.
I jumped up and pushed Bongo off of me and hit Luke in the arm. “That’s for getting a dog without asking me.”
“I didn’t know it had to go through you, mum,” he grinned.
“You know, I’m going to be the one who has to clean up after him and walk him,” I pouted.
“I’ll come over and help Luke,” Anna said, softly.
“Lexi, stop being so dramatic.” Luke rolled his eyes and grinned and me and I laughed at his goofy face.
“I wouldn’t keep your face like that, Luke. If the wind changes and it gets stuck like that you’ll be sorry.”
“It can’t be worse than my face now.” He made an even more grotesque face and Anna and I laughed. I cocked my head and looked at him carefully.
“You could be right.” I laughed and he grabbed and we fell to the ground as he tickled me. “Luke, stop, stop!” I shrieked, as we rolled around and we both burst out laughing as Bongo jumped on top of us, trying to join in the fun.
“Well, when my best friend calls me ugly, what do you think I’m going to do?” He grinned and blew into my ear and I shrieked again with laughter.
“Stop, it tickles.” He stopped and I stared into his green eyes with laughter in my eyes. He looked down and me with a gleam and held my arms to the ground.
“Take your words back then.” He stuck his tongue out at me.
“You’re not as ugly as a gargoyle,” I squealed and he made a sad face. I burst out laughing and looked into his face again. “Come on now, Luke, you know you’re hot.” I laughed. And it was true. With his jet-black hair, hazel green eyes and nicely toned body, Luke was one of the hottest boys in Jonesville. Only he really wasn’t a boy anymore, he was a man. Only I could never really see him that way. He was always going to be my childhood pal, snotty nosed Luke.
“Wow, a compliment from hard nosed Lexi Lord.” He grinned and pulled me up from the ground with him. “Come here.” He brushed the grass off of my trousers and smiled at me.
“Are you guys done?” Anna walked towards us with a forced smile and I rolled my eyes.
“Anna, please tell Luke to stop manhandling me.”
“You wish, Lexi.”
“Yeah, right.” I laughed and sighed as Luke pulled me into his arms to give me a hug. “What’s the hug for?”
“Can’t I hug my best friend?” His eyes sparkled.
“You want me to look after Bongo already, don’t you?” I sighed and looked up at him with slanted eyes.
“How did you know?” he laughed.
“I always know, Luke.” I poked him in the stomach. “When?”
“This weekend?”
“Why, where are you going?” I looked at him in surprise. Luke, Anna and I usually spent the weekends together.
“To Boston.”
“Oh,” I frowned. I guess maybe he was serious about this MIT thing. I tried to ignore the sad swell in my stomach. “Guess what.” I changed the subject, not wanting to think about the fact that Luke may actually move away from Jonesville.
“What?” He studied my face and we all walked into my living room. My mom wasn’t home and I sighed with relief. I didn’t want her to overhear the conversation.
“Guess!”
“What?”
“Bryce Evans is back in town and said hello to Lexi.” Anna interjected, quickly. I looked at her in reproach and she sighed. “Sorry, but I didn’t want this guessing game to go on for the next thirty minutes. I have to go home and cook dinner for my dad soon.”
“The Bryce Evans?” Luke spoke up before I could answer. I knew he didn’t want to be in the middle of another Lexi-Anna pseudo argument.
“Yes.” I grinned, too excited to let anything get me down.
“I thought he joined the army or something?” he frowned.
“The marines.”
“Or was it the air force?”
“He joined the marines.” I said, louder.
“Figures. He wasn’t smart enough for the air force.”
“Luke!” I admonished him.
“Sorry.” He rolled his eyes. “So that’s the super
exciting news that you were thinking of not telling me?”
“I was going to tell you.”
“A guy you knew from high school said hi?” Luke looked at me with a serious face.
“He is more that just a random guy from high school,” I said, in a soft voice.
“I know that, Lexi,” he sighed.
“You know what would have happened if he hadn’t been there, Luke.” I looked at him, seriously.
“I know.” Luke turned away from me, with a clenched fist. I could see he was upset.
“You know I don’t blame you, Luke.”
“I should have been there.” He turned back to me with real concern in his face. “There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret it.”
“It’s the past, Luke,” Anna said, angrily. “You really need to forget about it.”
“Anyone want a drink?” I jumped up and tried to break the heavy mood that filled the living room. “I think we have coke.”
“What? No Pepsi?” Luke grinned and I laughed at him as I shook my head.
“Sorry, we are a coke household.”
“Luke, I wanted to thank you once again for adopting Bongo,” Anna interjected. “I can’t tell you how happy you have made me.”
“Anything for you, Anna.” He grinned at her and she blushed. “Plus, now I can make sure Lexi gets some exercise in.”
“Ahem!” I faked an angry voice. “And how are you going to make sure of that?”
“When you walk him.”
“I’m not going to be walking your dog, Luke.”
“But won’t you join me when I walk him?” He put on an innocent, pleading face.
“I guess,” I sighed. “I guess I could stand to lose ten pounds.”
“Or twenty.” Luke stared at me with a bland face and I swat him on the arm.
“I will get you for that, Luke.”
“Uh huh.”
“Just wait.” I grinned at him and I saw Anna rolling her eyes.
“Are you guys ever going to grow up?” She stood up. “We’re not in high school any more, guys. We are adults and we should all act like we are.”
