He sucked in a breath and slowed his pace, catching sight of her every minute or so on the winding path.
Lord, why can’t I talk about it?
As he came into camp, he knew the answer. If he acknowledged out loud the brutality he’d endured, it would be real. It was bad enough that the memories dwelled in his mind. All he wanted to do was swipe them clean from his thoughts. Hatred toward his captors jammed his throat, and when his sister asked him a question about dinner, he couldn’t answer.
* * *
A fist rose above Ella’s head and came crashing down on her, pounding her over and over while Josiah watched, his arms held behind him by an unseen force. He screamed out to her to hold on and struggled with his invisible bonds.
Ella tried to bolt up, but something trapped her to the ground. She clawed at it. Her eyes flew open, a faint light streaming through the tent flaps, as she wrestled with her sleeping bag. Her breath came out in short pants, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Slowly she orientated herself to her surroundings.
Alex still slept soundly two feet away from her. She was camping with Robbie. Josiah. The thought of him broke her heart. He was unreachable. She couldn’t fall in love with a man who kept his life hidden from her. She’d shared her dark past and felt better that she finally had because she’d trusted Josiah with her secret.
But he didn’t trust her.
She slid her eyes closed for a long moment, trying to compose herself before getting up. After her dream, she wasn’t going back to sleep even if the time was only—she glanced at her watch—5:15 a.m. At least it was daylight. She could check the food supplies and plan what she would make for breakfast. Put on a pot of coffee. She needed it to stay awake.
She walked to the edge of the campsite and yanked on the rope that held their food in a tarp off the ground. It wasn’t nearly as heavy as she thought it would be. She brought it to the ground and moved to pick the items she would need. When she flipped the canvas top away, she gasped. All she found were rocks.
All the food was gone.
For a long moment, she knelt on the tarp, stunned.
She heard a movement behind her. She swiveled around, wishing she had her gun with her.
Yawning, Josiah approached. “What’s wrong?”
“Our food has been stolen, and not by bears.” She leaned to the side so he could see.
His eyes grew huge, and a thunderous expression chased all sleepiness from his face. “Is this how you found it? On the ground?”
She pushed the cover totally off the rocks. “No, it was hanging in the air with these in it. Someone deliberately stole our food and left us rocks.”
“This has got to be a joke. Alex has played some on me in the past.”
“Like this?”
“Well, not exactly.” He strode to her tent and stuck his head inside.
Not a minute later, Alex emerged and charged over to the tarp to inspect what happened. “I’d never do this. I love my food more than you do.”
“I wish Buddy was here. I’d like to track down who did this.” His scowl evened out a little, and he pulled the tarp off the ground. “I might be able to follow the tracks.” He looked at the forest around them and headed back to his tent.
When he came out with a flashlight, probably to use in the dimly lit forest, Robbie was right behind him, rubbing his eyes. Josiah grabbed his rifle and held it in one hand as if he were ready to use it at a second’s notice.
“I’ll be back.”
“Can I come with you?” Robbie asked, starting to follow Josiah.
He turned to her son, clasping his shoulder. “You need to stay here. Help your mom and Alex. I’ll be back in a little while. Okay?”
Robbie nodded.
As he left, Alex put one hand on her waist. “We need to start looking for something to eat. I saw some berries not far up the trail. Let’s start there, then we can pull out our poles and try to catch some fish when Josiah comes back.”
“That’ll be a healthy breakfast.”
“But, Mom, I hate fish.”
* * *
Josiah found boot prints that led to the stream, but as he stood on the edge of the flowing water, he was afraid the trail had ended. In many places, the stream wasn’t deeper than his thighs, so someone could go ashore in countless places. The freezing water numbed his legs as he started downstream first, not even sure if the thief had crossed to the other side or only used the water as a means to throw him off his trail. Finally, an hour later, he made his way back to the camp, not wanting to be gone any longer.
Ella saw him first and hurried over. “Did you find anything?”
“He used the stream to cover his tracks. I didn’t see where he came out, but there were places he could have found stones. I saw footprints but not like the ones I found going away from our camp. To be honest, the guy could have taken his boots off. I figure we should forget about him and enjoy ourselves. He didn’t get our bottled water at least.”
“We found some berries, and Alex is ready to go fishing. Robbie is all excited. He feels as if he’s living off the land like a survivalist.”
“Leave it to a child to turn our thinking around. It’s a challenge, but one we can deal with. We had a big dinner last night. We have clean water and a stream with fish in it. And to top it off, we can have dessert—berries.”
“And we have each other—friends enjoying a weekend away from the rat race.”
The emphasis on friends didn’t miss the mark with Josiah. After last night at the bluff, he knew he would always remain broken, and there was no way he would ever enter into a relationship with a woman, especially one with a child, when part of him couldn’t shake the hate that kept him locked in a prison of his own making. He wanted to see all of his captors rot in a cell until they breathed their last breath. That realization stunned him. He hadn’t known how deep his anger went until now.
“Josiah, are you all right?” Ella touched his arm.
The feel of her fingers on his skin shocked him from his thoughts. He blinked, trying to tamp down the emotions reeling through him. He’d never have a full life without finding a way to forgive his captors. He didn’t know what to say to Ella.
She looked long and hard at him, then went to Alex and Robbie to help them with the fishing equipment.
For a moment he watched them, unable to move, to think beyond what he’d discovered about himself. Had Ella forgiven her ex-husband? Or was she stuck in limbo like him? Unable to move forward with his life?
“Josiah, we’re ready,” Robbie called out.
“I’m coming,” he finally said, shutting his past back into the dark recesses of his mind. He was going to have fun right now, and examine his life later when he was back in Anchorage. “I’m hungry. Let’s go get some breakfast.”
* * *
Later, Ella stuck the trash in a plastic bag to take with them when they left the island. “Robbie, did you get enough food?”
Her son swiped the back of his hand across his mouth. “I’m stuffed. Josiah, the salmon was great.”
“This from a boy who less than twenty-four hours ago declared he hated fish. Obviously when you’re starving, you’ll eat anything.” Ella finished cleaning up their used paper products. “Who wants to walk with me to the stream to wash our pan out?”
“I will,” Josiah said before anyone else. “Alex and Robbie can get more firewood.”
“I think we got the raw end of this deal.” Alex stood. “C’mon, Robbie, let’s get it so we can sit around relaxing. I promised to tell you about my first search and rescue with Sadie.”
Ella had purposefully stayed away from Josiah all day while they’d fished, hiked and gathered a few edible items to complement the salmon. Now she was stuck walking with him. She started toward the stream. He snatche
d his rifle and hurried after her.
“Wait up. I’m supposed to be your guard.”
“In case the thief comes back to steal our skillet?”
“He could. Or a bear could be fishing for salmon. A better place for fishing is farther upstream, but you never know.”
“Sheesh, thanks. Now I’m going to be on pins and needles the whole time.”
“Right now, the bears are focused on eating all the salmon they can before winter.”
Ella kept walking, concentrating on each step she took rather than the man to the left and slightly behind her. The sound of the water rushing over the rocks lured her closer and closer to the stream. She’d wash the pan and quickly return to camp.
If there had been a way to leave the island, she would have. But she had less than a day before David picked them up. She’d have to deal with being in close confines with Josiah until then, but once she returned to Anchorage, she would keep her distance. She realized she was falling in love with Josiah, but this morning, when she’d tried once more to reach out to him, he’d rejected her. She’d seen that look of pain and vulnerability on his face right before going fishing. But all she’d met was a wall of silence.
“Ella, could you slow down? We don’t have to jog to the stream.” Josiah’s request cut through her thoughts.
“Why? I want to wash this—” she waved the skillet “—and get back to camp. It’s been a long day, and I’m ready to sleep.”
“It’s not even eight o’clock and still bright outside.”
She came to an abrupt halt and swirled around. “What do you want from me? You’ve been sending me mixed messages all day. I can’t keep doing this.” The words exploded from her as if she’d released the built-up pressure in a carbonated drink.
“To talk.”
“Now?” Her gaze drilled into him. She tried desperately to read in his expression what was behind that request. But he was too good at hiding his emotions.
“Yes. I’ve angered you, and I think we should talk about it.”
“Just go back to camp. Leave me alone.”
She charged toward the stream at a fast clip. She wasn’t going to argue with him. At the creek, she knelt by the edge, dipped her skillet in the water and swished it around, letting the rapid current wash the bits of food away.
Josiah squatted next to her and covered his hand over hers, grasping the pan. He took it and placed it on the ground, then drew her around. “Please hear me out.”
The soft plea in his eyes was her undoing. She nodded.
He rose and tugged her away from the rushing stream to a pile of smooth stones. Taking a seat on one, he patted the rock next to him. When she sat, he clasped her hand and turned toward her. Her heartbeat sped like the flowing water.
He inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ve only shared part of what I’m going to tell you with two people—my sister and the counselor I saw for a year. It isn’t common knowledge that I was a prisoner of war for months because my mission was a secret one behind enemy lines. I can’t talk about it even now.”
“You were a POW?” She’d known he must have gone through some horrific situations while in the Marines, but not that.
“Yes. I was captured and beaten for the details of my mission. When I finally broke, I was thrown into a cell only three feet by three feet. I hated myself for breaking down and tried to console myself with the fact that, by that time, the information I’d given them didn’t mean anything. All I wanted at first was for them to kill me. End my pain.”
Ella had once thought that herself, after her husband had pushed her down the stairs and she’d broken both arms. Then she’d remembered Robbie, who’d only been three at that time, and knew she had to protect him. She’d begun fighting back then and making secret plans to get away. She cupped her other hand on top of their clasped ones.
“I can tell you every gory detail of captivity if you really want to know.”
Tears filling her eyes, she shook her head. “No, there’s no need. The fact that you would is all I care about. My relationship with Keith was full of secrets and lies. I care so much for you, Josiah. I didn’t want anything to stand between us, or I would never have told you about my ex-husband.”
He captured her chin and caressed the tears away with his thumb. “After a while I turned to the Lord, begging Him to end my suffering. He didn’t. Instead, slowly I felt my fighting spirit return. I thought of Alex. I thought of my fiancée, Lori, who I was going to marry when I returned from the mission. Suddenly what they did to me didn’t mean anything anymore. I had a goal—to escape. To return home. And the Lord would help me.”
Like I did. The power of God overwhelmed her. She couldn’t stop the flow of tears running down her face, splashing onto their entwined fingers.
“The Lord was with me in that cell. Lately I’ve forgotten that. I was letting the traumatic past haunt me, letting it drive a wedge between me and God. But not anymore. I know what I have to do. I have to forgive my captors.”
She wanted to hold him, but she was afraid that would be a distraction. His greatest need at the moment was to talk about his past. “How did you escape?”
“I could tell something was going on in the camp. A flurry of activity. Many days went by when I never saw my jailer. On the day I made my escape, a young boy brought me water and food.” He stared off into space as though he was seeing it all again in his mind.
She stroked her thumb over the curve of his hand. “What happened next?”
His gaze returned to hers, awe in the depths of his crystal-blue eyes. “There was a commotion outside the cave. The boy hurriedly left, and I guess he didn’t lock the door correctly. After I ate, I went to the door to see if I could hear anything. That’s when I discovered it was unlocked. Without a second thought, I left my prison and managed to sneak away.”
“How long did it take before you made it to safety?”
“Just hours. The commotion was a force of our men drawing near their cave hideout. The terrorists were trying to get away.”
“Did they?”
“Some did. Others were killed or captured. At least that’s what I heard. Our troops called for help when they found me at the bottom of the mountain. A helicopter took me back to the base. Then my journey to healing began.”
“And look where you are now. Helping others. Me.” She tugged him toward her and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I wish I could erase that part of your past.”
He pulled slightly away and framed her face. “And I wish I could erase parts of yours. Have you been able to forgive Keith? Because I don’t know how to take that step. If I don’t forgive my captors, I’ll never be whole again.”
She closed her eyes, wishing she could help him. “I haven’t forgiven Keith yet. I’ve prayed to God to help me, but so far I’m still as angry as I was after I managed to get away from him.”
“Do you think we have a chance to be more than friends?” The feel of his thumb as it whispered across her cheek tempted her. But she couldn’t. “I don’t know. I’m afraid our pasts will always be there as a barrier to the true, loving relationship we deserve. I don’t know if I can ever let go of the fear and mistrust I have because of Keith.”
His hands slipped away from her face. He clenched them, and the strong, tense set to his jawline shouted he felt that way about his situation, too. “The reason I have Buddy is because he was—really still is—a service dog for a person with post-traumatic stress disorder. I still occasionally have nightmares and panic attacks. Not often, but enough to remind me I’m still far from healed. When I came home, I desperately wanted what happened to me to go away as if it had never occurred. When I got out of the hospital, I went to see Lori. I didn’t want anyone to tell her I was home until I could
see her myself. I didn’t want her to see me in the hospital.”
“When you love someone, that shouldn’t matter.”
He looked into her eyes, his stiff posture relaxing slightly, but tension still poured off him. “I know. In the end it didn’t really matter. She’d already moved on and was in love with another man. Thoughts of a life with her were one of the ways I kept myself going while a prisoner, but I realize I’ve forgiven Lori. I wasn’t in any shape to be in a relationship when I returned to the States anyway.”
Her throat swelled with emotions. Ella fought the tears rising inside. She couldn’t stop them.
He took her into his embrace and pressed her against his chest. The pounding of his heart beneath her ear finally calmed the tears to a whimper. “We are quite a pair,” she murmured. “What are we going to do?”
“Maybe when we get back to Anchorage, we should spend some time apart. We both need to figure out what we really want for ourselves and find a way to make it happen.”
She leaned away and stared into his eyes, realizing these past weeks she had been fighting the feelings that had developed in spite of her trying to avoid an emotional involvement. In spite of her fear, she’d make the same mistake as she had with Keith. “I love you, Josiah, but I’m not sure that’s enough. I can’t make a mistake about this because it doesn’t just affect me. I have Robbie to consider, too.”
Josiah bent forward and kissed her lightly, but before he could deepen it, he put some space between them. “I agree. I never want him to be hurt.”
“Then what do we tell him when you suddenly stop coming around?”
“I’ll think of something, but for the time being let’s just enjoy each other’s company for the rest of this trip. Going camping was important to Robbie.”
“I can do that.” On overload with all that had transpired, Ella rose from the rock. “Are you ready to go back? They’re probably wondering what’s keeping us.”
“Yes.” He stood, taking her hand.
When she glanced upstream, she gasped and froze. Three brown bears were in the water catching salmon. “Have they been there the whole time?”
To Save Her Child Page 15
