by Sarah Tomp
“Do you remember Mr. Guillot? In second grade?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Did you hate having to help me?” The steering wheel felt slippery in her sweaty hands. She loosened her grip, but kept her eyes on the road.
“No,” said Cotton. Then, “Did I?”
“Did you hate it? I don’t know. That’s what I’m asking.”
“I mean, did I help you?”
“Cotton, I copied the answers off your papers every day, all year long! Once when I missed school, you did my work for me, like I was there. Mr. Guillot knew. Maybe Ms. Q suggested it. I think that’s why he kept me next to you.”
“I did not have a lot of friends in elementary school. I had trouble acclimating to and interpreting social nuances. But I remember you were always acceptable.”
Acceptable. There was something about the way Cotton said it that let her know that was something special. Different. She smiled, keeping her eyes on the road, letting the good buzzy feeling fill the space between them.
“Do you want to go caving?” she asked.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know if you can? Or you don’t know if you want to?”
“I can. And I want to. But Leo prefers we don’t go without him.”
She didn’t have the right to be disappointed. Caving was their thing. But the thrill of finding that new chamber made her want more. She didn’t know enough to imagine all the possibilities of what else they might find. She had to be there with them. It wouldn’t be enough to hear about it.
“Would you like to work on climbing skills?” Cotton asked. “I could use some tips.”
A place immediately popped into her mind.
The spot wasn’t far from Benny’s dry gym. He’d led them there, past the ugly streets of warehouses and on out to where the town fizzled away. None of them had been used to running such a long distance. It wasn’t long before Maggie and Temo started walking. Max was bitching about a blister. Chrissy was mad because she didn’t have any gear or gadget to measure the impact of their workout. But Ria had loved the surprise of it. Changing up workouts was always a good way to erase bad habits and start over, fresh.
She didn’t think anyone else would be there today. There were plenty of prettier spots to go. She worried she wouldn’t be able to find the way, but as soon as they started along the trail, her body remembered. The smell of the trees and the moss and the air were the same. Except, instead of following Benny and being with her team, she was leading Cotton to the clearing.
Enormous boulders sat in the middle of shrubs, and beyond them, a grove of tall, willowy trees circled the area. She watched Cotton study the place as if he was mapping it in his mind.
“What is this place? Does it have a name?” He looked troubled and unsure.
“I don’t know. Not officially.”
Benny had called it Stone Revenge. Like Stonehenge, but with a vengeance for physical exertion. He’d assigned them each a boulder and they spent the next thirty minutes doing push-ups against it, first right-side up, then upside down in handstands. It was hard, but it had felt like a challenge, not a punishment. It had been a good day, after an awful one. The weekend before, the rest of the team had a bad showing at a local meet. So the first day back he’d raged at them all. He let them get wet, then made them sit on the deck, shivering while he yelled. Only she had been allowed to stay warm and dry, her reward for first place. Her team’s resentment had been a different kind of punishment. But then he’d planned the trip to this magical spot. That’s how it went. Whenever he felt bad for losing his temper, he made up for it with something better.
“I thought we looked everywhere when we were trying to find Esther. But I don’t remember this place.”
“There were a lot of people looking. I’m sure someone was here.” Her voice felt close to cracking. “Do you want to leave? We could go somewhere else.”
“No. It’s a highly satisfactory place.”
She swallowed. Took a deep breath. She needed to switch his attention to something other than Esther. “How did the rocks get here, Cotton? Where did they come from?”
“They’re most likely from a prehistoric eruption. Or a flood.”
Ria pictured the wonder of a world where enormous boulders moved locations. Despite their size and weight, they’d been picked up and transported here. They’d had no choice. Like Esther.
“Each boulder has a slightly different surface,” she said, avoiding those thoughts. “Try to plan your route. It’ll be easier if you already know where you’re headed.”
They started at one of the smaller rocks. Even so, its top was a couple of feet over Cotton’s head. She tapped the spot around her knees’ height. “You could probably make this work for a first step up.”
He did as she suggested but couldn’t secure the foothold. He pushed off, fell back to the ground with a thud.
She needed to make the climb before she could try to break it down for him. She forced herself to analyze what she was doing, step by step, inch by inch. From the top, she looked down at Cotton, the top of his head a few inches below her view. “You need to use the rock more. Lean into it. Let it hold you. Each angle and curve can be part of your lift. Use your legs for the force and let your hands help your balance.”
“You make climbing look simple.” As he made his way up, slowly, awkwardly, she realized she was leaning too, as if she could will him upward. Maybe she did, because he made it to the top.
Going down was more of a free fall, but he looked exhilarated.
“Let’s climb that one.” He pointed to a rock made of obvious handholds.
By the third or fourth boulder, Ria understood the rocks in a whole new way. Rather than seeing them as enormous blocks of rough stone, she saw each one in terms of nooks and crannies, fissures and slivery places to tuck her raw and tender fingers.
As Cotton joined her on top of a flat boulder, she made no move to climb down. They sat in the sun, feeling the heat stored in the stone beneath them. She wished she’d brought water. She’d hate to leave simply because they were thirsty.
Sitting still, all the thoughts she’d been not-thinking poked her brain again.
The NDT wanted her. Getting a chance to train for the Olympics was what she’d worked for. But she’d given up that hope. She’d resigned herself to living with a dive-shaped hole in her heart. Recently the hole had started to shrink. She wasn’t sure how to fit it back in.
“This has been very helpful, working on potential climbing experiences,” said Cotton.
“But we don’t know what we’ll find in the cave. Not for sure.”
“That’s why we need to go. So we find out.”
“It’s all so uncertain and unknown. Don’t you worry?”
He frowned, tilted his head. Made her wait.
“The cave requires being careful and aware, but the possibilities for trouble are limited. There’s limited uncertainty.”
Limited uncertainty. That sounded manageable. Contained.
“I want to tell you something, Cotton. Okay?”
“You don’t need permission to tell me something. That’s how conversations work.”
“I just haven’t told anyone else yet.” She laughed.
“I’m listening.”
“I’ve received an official invitation to join the NDT.”
“The NDT that’s a VBD?”
“Yes, exactly. It means a whole year of special training before the Olympic trials.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you.” For a minute she let herself be happy. “It’s in Colorado.”
“That’s approximately one thousand five hundred miles away.”
“Oh. I know it’s far.” It wasn’t the distance that nagged at her. “I don’t know if I’m good enough. Or if I’ll fit in. Benny will come too, as my personal trainer. I didn’t know he’d be invited. But there will be new coaches, too.” She paused. “That means new rules.”
/> Just the thought of trying to adjust to new rules, regimens, and expectations started Fear’s murmurings. What if she freaked out again?
“With Benny, I know the rules. I know when he’s happy with my dives.”
And she knew what his angry looked like. Even when it was awful, at least she knew what was coming.
“Can’t you learn the new rules?” he asked. “Since you’re the one who has to do the dives.”
Some rules were never said. They had to be learned by breaking them.
“I have to trust my coach. I have to know I’m safe. But I have to push myself to do things that scare me, too. It sounds easy, but really, it’s impossible.”
“Everyone has their own impossible.”
He somehow managed to understand things he didn’t know anything about.
“I just had an idea, Cotton. Since we won’t be able to see as well in the cave, we should try climbing blindfolded.”
“Yes.”
A lightness bubbled up in her chest. “Really? You want to?”
“I don’t want to,” he said. “But I can see that it could assist with caving. And there is no point arguing. You have surprising and effective ideas. You are relentless and determined.”
His words hung in the air between them a minute. He meant that she was prone to obsessing, but he made it sound like a good thing. Fighting the sudden wave of shy washing over her, she said, “You could use your shirt as a blindfold.”
Cotton looked uncertain. Or was it embarrassed? It suddenly occurred to Ria that she was curious as to what he’d look like without a shirt. His body was so different from all the divers and swimmers she knew. Like Sean. Where they were lean and trim—and bare, due to both chlorine burns and shaving—Cotton wasn’t. She’d gotten used to his size, felt comfortable with the way he towered over her. Now, with the possibility of seeing his chest and back, her own skin felt warm and flushed.
She turned away, scolding her body into behaving. Not everything had to be about touching and kissing and . . . damn. Cotton never even acted interested in any of that. And, she had a boyfriend. That’s who she needed to be thinking about. But liking everything about Cotton didn’t mean she didn’t like Sean anymore.
“Maybe we’ll come back with an actual blindfold.” She bit back the word “tomorrow.” Somehow, it felt like making plans, setting up a time to get together, would be crossing a line. When they bumped into each other the way they did today, simply as a coincidence—that wasn’t anything to feel guilty about. Even if her body was reacting, making everything more confusing, it’s not like she’d done anything wrong. But making a date to get together, knowing full well she had no plans to tell Sean, or even Maggie, about it, well, that was a whole new thing.
Except she was leaving. Going to the NDT meant she’d say goodbye to everyone. There was no use planning anything. “We should go,” she said. “I need to meet Sean after school.”
“Yes.” He was already moving on.
The afternoon sun had disappeared behind the trees. The shadows around the boulders looked like puddles. It was easy to imagine the prehistoric flood that had moved them. Maybe that forced movement had been exactly what they’d wanted. After all, it had brought them here, to this safe and quiet place in the woods.
The place she had to leave.
Seventeen
On Saturday, Ria woke to her phone beeping and buzzing.
“What are you doing?” Sean’s voice sounded scratchy with morning.
“Sleeping.” She checked the window, wondering if she’d slept late for the first time ever. But no. It was early. Way too early for Sean. “What are you doing?”
“Wondering why I never see you.”
Her insides flipped. Had he heard something about Cotton? She should have told him where she’d been. There wasn’t any reason for their time caving and hiking to be secret. She just didn’t want to risk him thinking he should come along too. Cotton and Leo would never take her caving again.
Before she figured out an answer, she heard a voice in the background. “Are you with Maggie?”
“Yeah. We’re at the outdoor pool. I’m working on closing it for the season.”
Then Maggie must have grabbed his phone. “Ria. Get over here before I lose my nerve. It’s now or never if you want to see my gainer.”
She was eager to see Maggie dive. It sounded like she’d made real progress. Diving was like that. One step in a hurdle, a hold, a miniscule shift—mere inches could make all the difference.
Fifteen minutes later, Ria stood in the empty parking lot. No echoes of shouts and whistles welcomed her. There was no thunk of the diving board in the distance. And yet, as soon as she spotted deep blue rippling through the bars of the fence, she was hit with a wave of recognition. Home.
Maggie appeared near the side gate.
“Why aren’t you at the gym? What about practice?” asked Ria.
“Benny had other plans.”
Inside the fence, Sean waved to them from across the pool. Barefoot and wearing his official red trunks with a snug white T-shirt labeled in all caps, LIFEGUARD, while holding the long skimming net in one hand, Ria recognized the boy she’d fallen for. She’d forgotten that giddy feeling of knowing Sean was watching her. She’d been shocked when Benny hadn’t minded. He’d teased her about his prettiness, but he’d let them talk after practice. She hadn’t had to hide him.
“Come on, get changed.” Maggie headed for the boards.
“I’m here to watch. I’m not diving.”
“As if.”
“I might not remember how.” But she was already digging through Maggie’s bag, looking for a spare suit. The song of water lapping against the concrete sides, the glitter of early morning sun reflecting below the white boards, the smell of chlorine, all of it called to her.
She didn’t bother with the locker room. She held a towel around her sides. Modesty in diving was a hassle, and pointless besides. There are few secrets beneath wet Lycra.
Except Maggie’s suit wasn’t as tight as she liked. Ria scooched the fabric around, trying to rearrange it.
“You still look ripped.”
Ria looked down, eyed her body. She held out her arms, comparing them to Maggie’s freckled ones, right before she took off her glasses. She’d only been trying to stay busy and tired. Running and caving were keeping her strong. A perfect example of why Benny was such a stickler for cross-training.
She still hadn’t told Maggie about the NDT’s offer. She hadn’t told anyone besides Cotton. Instead, she’d rolled the idea around in her head, trying to imagine all the different ways it could go. It was like she’d hurdled off the diving board, launched higher than she’d ever been—and then discovered the water wasn’t there. The worst part was she still hadn’t landed yet. The longer she went without telling anyone the less real it felt. Besides, if she didn’t go, it was an empty brag. Hollow, and easily popped.
From the very first free fall off the board, letting gravity have its way, the cool whoosh as she broke the surface; Ria felt like she’d slipped back into her own life. Her lift wasn’t as high as it should be, her turns moved a little slower, but her body remembered the motions.
As she climbed the ladder to the three-meter board, Sean came out with the team’s tripod and video camera.
“Good idea!” she said. “We need to make sure we get Maggie’s money dive taped.”
“Only if I make it.”
“The video is running. I’ll be in the office.” Sean waved and disappeared around the center building.
A few dives later, she said, “It’s time, Maximum Mags.”
“Soon.”
“You’ve already prepped it. You’re going over, which means you’ll make it.”
“I know, I know. But I did a really sweet one yesterday. I don’t want to mess up that feeling.” Maggie set herself on the end of the board. Dried herself with the shammy. Stretched. Reached. Turned. All the little quirks that were absolutely her. They al
l had their own superstitious rituals. “Ugh. Here I go.”
As Maggie rounded her second flip, Ria could hear Benny in her head. Hollow. Hold. Don’t get loose. When she entered the water, only slightly bent, Ria cheered.
Maggie surfaced, grinning. Then immediately started the self-coaching comments. “I didn’t keep my head up long enough. As soon as I lifted, I started the tuck.”
“That was damn awesome!”
“I don’t know.”
Ria eyed her. She couldn’t convince Maggie of something she didn’t believe. She needed to get her praise from someone who didn’t care about her feelings. Someone brutally honest. In other words, Benny.
“I’ll be back in a minute. Keep going.” Maggie pulled herself out of the water and headed toward the locker room.
Ria didn’t need persuading. She went through her list, checking to see if she still had her dives. Repeated the ones that felt off.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d been diving when she stopped to take a break. The cool air on her wet skin made her shiver, in a good way. She lay on her back, let herself bobble and float. Most of her body hid beneath the surface of the water, but bits of her—her face, breasts, tops of her thighs took turns peeking out of the wet. She stared up at the sky, let herself feel empty and still.
“You’re holding back.”
She flipped upright and met Benny’s stare. He stood at the edge of the pool, looking down. The way they’d talked a million times before.
Now it felt like she’d forgotten how to tread water. The clenching—in her jaw, her gut, deep within the very core of her—made her feel heavy and slow, in danger of sinking. She wanted to hear what he had to say while simultaneously wanting to run away.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” Ria said. “The pool is closed.”
It was a stupid thing to say. He had his own key. How many times had he brought the team here without the pool being technically open? She’d never complained when he had them sneak in, not even the nights of diving in the dark with the lights off. Right now, it was obvious. He was here to see her. Maggie and Sean were conveniently not on the deck. She’d been set up.
