by Sarah Tomp
“I didn’t think you were the type to choose mud wrestling and strip clubs over traveling the world doing something most people don’t even know how to dream about.
“I’ve been thinking it was such a waste,” he said, taking a turn too fast. “A waste of talent, of your parents’ money. Of my time. But I guess you were doing us all a favor, cutting it off when you did. Because the truth of the matter is, if you can quit, you should.”
She scooted against the door, wondered what she’d hurt if she jumped out.
It used to be: she screwed up, he got angry, she apologized, they got back to work. And for a while, there would be a respite. The storm of his frustration would lead to a truce. She wasn’t sure which stage they were at.
“You already blew the biggest meet of your life! Now you have an unbelievable opportunity and you’re blowing it again.”
He stopped his car at the corner, out of sight of her house.
“You’re meant for greatness, Ria. You’ve never been ordinary. You’re not like everyone else. It kills me to think you might miss the chance to do what you were born for.”
“There are other teams. The NDT isn’t the only one.”
“We belong with the NDT.”
He turned toward her and she flinched. His shoulders slumped. He took off his hat, played with it in his hands.
“They’re the best. And so are you.”
That’s all that mattered to him. It’s why he’d claimed her. She suddenly wished she’d been average. Normal.
The NDT was what she’d wanted. What her parents wanted. What everyone wanted. She’d been stupid to hesitate. She never should have let her head get in the way. Fact was, she didn’t belong to herself. She’d already given Benny everything. Her time, her body, her head, her future.
She’d been so wrong to think she had a choice.
“I’ll go,” she said.
“Good.”
Relief at his approval flowed through her. Finally, she could breathe again. This was the prize for a job well done. Success. Acceptance. Things that didn’t exist outside his atmosphere.
Thirty-Six
Friday morning, Ria found Maggie waiting for her in the school parking lot. Ria hadn’t lost her car privileges like she’d expected. Her parents hadn’t been nearly as mad about the car-tow as she’d expected. Apparently misreading a parking sign was a minor offense. They hadn’t even asked many questions about the how or why or who she’d been with. Leaving out the messiest parts of her life was remarkably effortless.
All that mattered was she’d said yes to the NDT. They’d immediately sent the first payment and were planning her move. Once she was cleared by her doctor, they’d buy the plane tickets.
She’d made them—along with Benny—happy, at last. They were thrilled she’d finally gotten the right answer, the one they’d known all along. She was still waiting for her own happy to kick in.
“It’s a beautiful day,” Maggie said as soon as Ria opened her door.
It was true. The sun was shining. The reds, yellows, and oranges of the trees looked vivid against the blue of the sky. There was a hint of crisp cool in the air, but only barely. The sun was making a late-fall rally. The only thing wrong was that Maggie—who used to know her best, her worst, her in-between—had slipped away to a place where she was talking about the weather.
Inside a cave, weather didn’t matter.
Ria cleaned her glasses with her shirt. Now that she was going to be diving 24-7 she could give up her contacts.
“Scale of one to ten, how mad are you?” asked Maggie.
“Off the charts.” She paused for a moment, then added, “Because it’s not worth rating. I’m not mad.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true. I’m not. Sean and I were broken up—”
“Barely.”
“Both of you were drinking. I get it. Things happened.” She wanted to get out of the car, to put some space between them, but Maggie blocked her exit.
“If you’re not mad at me, then where have you been?”
Caving. Making maps. Kissing Cotton. Nowhere Maggie would recognize. Places and things she had to leave behind.
Maybe if she and Maggie were busy diving, she could find the words to explain where she’d been. There was something about having her body occupied—and her head, too—that allowed truths to flow more freely. Here, with each of them measuring the other, looking for hints, there were too many hazards in the way.
“Did you know there’s a strip club over past Industrial? It has a circus theme.” She eyed Maggie, waiting for a hint that Benny had told her they were leaving. Officially.
“You’re still Random Ria.”
She didn’t feel random.
“Do you want to go to the quarry today?” Maggie asked.
“Why?”
“To go,” she said with a shrug. “There’s some lame college fair all day. We thought the quarry might be a better way to spend the day.”
Ria had been wanting to go back there. The quarry tugged at her mind. Even though it had been such a brief visit the night of that party, it was a place she settled on when she was running, stuck in class, or falling asleep. She wanted to see if her memory was right. She didn’t have much time before she had to leave.
“I don’t need to talk to any colleges. I committed to Uden.”
“Good. That’s what you wanted.” She had to tell Maggie her decision. “I’m going. I’m joining the NDT.”
“With Benny.”
It wasn’t a question, but Ria nodded anyway.
“All the more reason to come with us today. While you still can.”
Ria hesitated. She wanted to tell Cotton she was leaving school, but Maggie wouldn’t understand. Besides, he needed to stay and go to that college fair. “Let’s go.”
Maggie moved around the front of the car. She opened the passenger door and plopped into the seat where she hadn’t ridden in weeks.
“How’s Sean?” Ria asked, keeping her eyes on the road.
“Fine.”
Like the weather.
They joined the line of cars parked outside the chain-link fence. Peeking through the metal weave, Ria saw only boulders and enormous piles of gravel. The hole and the cliffs weren’t visible from here.
At the bend in the fence, she grabbed the edge and pulled it up.
Maggie scooted under, getting stuck briefly on one of the wire bends because she tried to get up too early.
“Now hold it for me,” said Ria.
She could hear the crowd—laughter, shouting, and music—before they made their way along the path and around the corner.
The quarry didn’t look the way she’d remembered. Today, the water at the bottom of the hole was the deepest blue she’d ever seen. The light was different, too. It was earlier in the day, but later in the month. The sun felt farther away, or weaker. The way its rays hit the rock walls set off even more variations of color. They revealed the creases and cracks. The walls might be what the inside of a cave would look like in the sunlight. Cotton would know if that was right.
A scattering of blankets and towels and chairs and coolers claimed the one nearby grassy patch, but most people had gathered closer to the edge.
“There’s Sean,” said Maggie. Then, as if to make up for the enthusiasm in her voice, she added, “And Charlie and Tony. Everyone is here.”
Not everyone. There was no Cotton. But he wouldn’t fit in here. Maybe she didn’t either. Even after all of Sean’s lessons on how to be normal, she’d fail the final test.
Ria took a cup of something red when it was offered to her. It was spiked, the heat of alcohol warm and thick in the back of her throat. No wonder Sean looked so happy. Maggie, too.
The two of them didn’t act like they were together. They didn’t hold hands. Or slip their arms around each other or into each other’s pockets or belt loops. Nothing obvious. It was worse. A constant series of bumping into each other. A collision of arms, hips, legs.
Over and over, like bumper cars. Or magnets. Two people desperate to touch each other.
Now that she was watching, Ria spotted the sideways looks between them. Sean typed something into his phone and seconds later, Maggie read hers. Whatever he’d sent made her smile and play with her hair.
Charlie stumbled, his feet slipping and scrambling in the gravel, precariously stopping inches from the edge. “Shit! I thought I was going over!”
Hysterical giggles broke out, but Ria’s heart raced as if she had been the one sliding.
“Someone should jump in!”
“Ria said she could do it,” said Tony. “Right, Sean? Didn’t you think Ria was gonna do it?”
“Shut it,” Sean muttered, still not meeting her eyes.
“I bet Maggie will do it,” Ria said.
“Somebody do it!” yelled Charlie.
Cheers and laughter erupted around them. People chanted, “Do it! Do it!”
She turned and faced Maggie. “It’s not much higher than platform.”
“Wait.” Sean grabbed Maggie’s hand. “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”
“I’ve got this.” Maggie shook off his concern. She’d always worked harder for an audience.
Ria and Maggie didn’t talk during the walk to the other side. Once they reached the spot directly across from the crowd, Maggie waved. Then she turned to Ria. “Are we really going in?”
“We have to. No balking allowed.” She didn’t have to say Benny’s name for them both to know he was here, in their heads. He’d never forgive them for being this close, at the edge, then not following through. There was no running away, not anymore.
“Besides,” Ria continued, “this spot is safe. Some places have old equipment or rock shelves to worry about, but here it’s open and plenty deep.” She eyed Maggie to see if Fear was nuzzling up to her.
“Have you done this before?”
“No.” She’d only imagined it. Over and over again. This place had haunted her, the idea of falling off the edge jerked her awake when it popped in her head at bedtime. But she’d worked it through in her mind. She’d picked this spot based on the map Cotton gave her. Now it felt inevitable.
“Are you with me or not?” Ria asked.
“You’re not even wearing a suit.”
“True. You didn’t tell me to bring one.”
“I didn’t think you’d come. I thought you might be going somewhere with Cotton.” Maggie raised her eyebrows. “I’ve seen you leave school with him every day for a month.”
Ria shrugged, ignoring the heat in her cheeks.
“I thought we were best friends. But you don’t tell me anything. You don’t trust me.”
She wanted to argue. Wanted to prove that wasn’t the way it worked in her head. There wasn’t always a “why” to the things she did and didn’t do. But maybe Maggie had it right.
“Let’s get this over with.” She tucked her glasses into her pocket. Then pulled off her shirt and slipped down her shorts. She ignored the sudden burst of cheers as she stood in her bra and underwear. “On the count of three. Keep your body tight. All the way down. It’ll take longer than platform.”
“I know what to do.” Maggie’s fear sounded like irritation.
“One,” counted Ria.
And then Maggie was gone. Pencil-straight, toes pointed. She hadn’t waited for three, or even two. She’d simply jumped into space. Cheers erupted from across the quarry.
Ria waited for the splash, then set herself. Erased everything. No more crowd. No breeze blowing across her skin. No sand beneath her feet. She was alone. Just her, the air, and below, ready to catch her, the water.
She paced four steps back. Lifted her arms, twisted her torso. Then, hurdled off the edge.
There was the leap, and then the fall. The oh-so-familiar rush of thrill. Controlled recklessness in her illogical attempt to be free of the world. She gripped her legs, kept every muscle tense for her desperate race against gravity. She fought to keep her head up, straining her neck and shoulders, every bit of her tight and strong. She made the first flip, then circled around again, and even again, all the while plummeting downward, with no true sense of time and space, then again, once more, taking her dangerously close to the edge of impossible. Then, easy, like taking a breath, she recognized the moment to kick and open up, to reach for the water. Wild abandon met exact precision.
It took forever. It took no time at all.
The impact stung her skin, the water rushed around her, a wall of noise and froth. She rolled into her save and headed for the surface. She gulped air, then burst out laughing. From above she heard the hoots and hollers. They echoed off the sheer walls of the quarry.
“We did it! Benny’ll never believe it.” Euphoria rushed through her.
“You dove? You bitch. You said jump.”
“And you said on three. It doesn’t matter. Everyone knows we’re awesome.”
“Yeah, but they think you’re better, don’t they? You always have to show me up.”
Ria’s body racked with shivers now. Her teeth clattered together as she treaded water.
“You always have to be tougher. Stronger. Better.” Maggie hit the water with her hand. “Did you see how Sean doubted me? He didn’t think I could do it.”
“Because he cares about you.”
“You didn’t even care that I fooled around with him.”
“Is that why you kissed him? To beat me? To win something?”
With a burst of splash, Maggie swam for the edge, to the place where they could pull themselves out.
Ria wished she could stay where she was, wanting to melt and disappear. But instinct kicked in. Self-preservation propelled her to the rocks. By the time she reached the shore, her arms and legs felt heavy. Dead weight. Half asleep from the cold.
Maggie stood dripping and shivering on the rocks.
“You don’t need to be jealous. He liked you first, Maggie. Sean wanted to ask you out.”
Until Benny got in the way.
“I know. Believe it or not, I’m not jealous of you, Ria. I used to be. I cried because Benny didn’t care about me the same way. Can you even see how screwed up that is?”
She couldn’t see much of anything. It was too cold, too wet, too true.
“You need to hope there’s no one better than you when you get to the NDT. Otherwise he might forget all about you, too.”
Then she was gone, up the trail. Ria was sitting in her underwear, alone and shivering in the bottom of a big hole.
Hope doesn’t win. Winning beats hope. That Bennyism didn’t sound quite right, but she was too numb to try to rearrange it in her head.
She stumbled her way up the path, following Maggie’s damp footprints. At the top, she ignored the crowd, bolted for the spot where she’d left her clothes. She stumbled back to the fence, pulling them on along the way.
In her rush to escape, Ria slid under the fence too fast. The pain of metal slicing into her leg didn’t register until she was on the other side, panting. Blood, thick and red, poured from the gash downward, pooling in the dirt where she stood. It looked like a mangled heart.
Thirty-Seven
By the time Ria made it home, her entire leg, hip to toes, ached. The cut itself burned and throbbed. As she stepped out of the car and stood up, her head felt light and her vision moved in and out of blurry. She took a deep breath and concentrated on walking from the car to her front door. She couldn’t decide if she was relieved or irritated that her parents weren’t home.
Inside, she headed to the bathroom to investigate. She’d wrapped her shirt around her leg and now it was stuck tight to the gash. Her blood had dried, brown and stiff, marking a pool in the fabric. When she tried to lift it, the cut gushed again, bright and red, with a metallic smell that made her eyes water. She clamped the shirt back down and sat on the edge of the tub.
She’d never been badly hurt before. It was one of her assets. The fact she’d avoided injuries was remarkable for an athlet
e of her caliber. Most everyone broke or tore something eventually. After chipping her tooth, this was her second diving-related injury of significance. Both times she’d gotten hurt while running away.
Damn. It hurt.
She pulled out her phone, expecting a series of missed texts and calls. It felt like she’d been gone for way too long. But her phone was blank and empty. No one was looking for her.
Cotton answered his phone immediately.
“It’s Ria.”
“Yes.”
“How are you with blood?”
“Mine or yours?”
“Are you bleeding, Cotton? Are you hurt?”
“No. I thought this was theoretical.”
“Not theoretical. Actual. I cut my leg.”
Twenty minutes later he called her from her backyard and through the phone she directed him step by step into her house. “The glass door should be open.”
She heard it slide along its track and echoed through the phone. “It is.”
“Come in. Through the family room and up the stairs.”
“There are a lot of pictures of little Ria. Most of them are of her wearing medals at the pool.”
“Ignore them. My parents are short on imagination when it comes to household decor.” She could hear him down the hall. “Keep walking. Second door on the right.”
“I’m here.” He knocked.
“Come in.” She was still holding her phone.
The door opened slowly, and Cotton peeked in, looking wary.
“Can you help me?” she asked, not entirely sure what she wanted him to do.
“Yes.” He placed both their phones on the counter.
“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” She needed this taken care of before she had her physical for the NDT.
“We need to remove the covering and clean the area.”
“It won’t stop bleeding.” She stuck her leg, T-shirt and all, under the faucet the way Cotton guided. The water stung, and her blood flowed down the drain all the while she soaped and rinsed the gash.
He took a clean towel from the shelf and sat beside her on the edge of the tub. He’d never be able to lie down for a bath; he was way too long. He pressed the towel firmly along the cut. “Where can I find sturdy tape?”
